Wife and GC extension

[gotmarried8years 2]

WARNING: Long post ahead. Sorry

So, I am in a bad situation with my marriage and I need everyone's advice and suggestions please.

My wife and I married in 2009 and she got here in 2010. We had known each other for 10 years prior but did not get to spend too much time so I wouldn't consider those years as enough time to *really* get to know her. In 2010 she got pregnant with our child who was born the next year. Everything went relatively well, with her ocassional freak-outs about not being able to adapt to the new environment. I was very supportive and understanding and really did my best to comfort her. The nervous breakdowns became more serious over time, with the more extreme ones being her threats to throw our child from the window if she doesn't get what she wants.

Shotly after giving birth to our son, she has wanted to go back to her country and stay with her family, which I did not agree with because I cannot leave work and life just so that she can stay with her family indefinitely. And we're not talking vacations here -- we are talking undetermined periods of time that she was planning to go back. I did not want our child away from me and certainly do not want our child to live in that country (it's contaminated). I should mention that I have a lot of love for my son. He is someone I have been expecting for a long time and he has become my life. I am definitely over-protective when it comes to our child.

Seeing my great affection for my son, my wife began slowly dragging him into fights and using him as reason to have these nervous breakdowns. Reasons? He "drives her nuts". He is a skinny type of kid (but above average for his height/weight), so he doesn't eat as much other kids do. This makes the wife crazy! She starts yelling at him, screaming, cursing... eventually crying and then back to normal for a few more days. Recently, she started to slap him on the face hard, which I do not take kindly to. I am totally opposed to violence and do not think it's a solution to anything, especially when raising another human being. Time again, she is showing her lack of kindness and increased violence towards our son. She may love him but her treatment of our son is speaking louder in our case. After the recent breakdown, I have seriously considered (but chickened out on) calling child protective services on her. I don't know if it's a deportable offense or not but I was affraid I would lose our son, so that's why I backed down. Of course, there were witnesses (mostly my family and the UPS guy was delivering a package) during her last fit of rage.

Returning to the topic at hand -- a few weeks after her biometrics were done, things between us started to change rapidly... and for the worse! Her family was constantly being pulled in (by her) to most of her breakdowns, my family was involved, as well. What I notice now is that her family keeps asking and discussing her immigration status a lot more after her biometrics. That is the single thing they keep asking about every time we talk! Another thing is they are very inquisitive about our financial situation (whether I "have money"). I am saving every dollar for our son's college fund and I'm proud of it.

Her family has been getting themselves involved in our life since she came over here but I paid no mind to it. I actually took it as a normal thing that any concerned family does in regards to their daughter. Recently, though, these communications have come to a point where my wife and her family are very interested in welfare and social assistance for my wife (not necessarily the child) -- as if we're divorcing soon or something. I am getting a very strong feeling that my wife entered this marriage in "bad faith", just so she can get the documentation and then bring her family over.

Honestly, I have no worries whatsoever towards a divorce happening. The only one who will suffer the most is our child and he is the reason why I wake up happy every day, so that's why I'm trying to be extra careful. Another thing is that I do not appreciate being used like this. This is very similar to an anchor baby situation. I am affraid that my wife is only waiting until she gets her 10-year GC and then probably do whatever she can to bring her family over.

I have been reading up on the forum about people's different situations and, from my understanding, the next step would be to write to the USCIS and inform them of our situation so that they reconsider extending her GC. It's the safest bet in my opinion -- better to get her kicked out of the country than allow my son and I to dive into a downwards spiral to hell. I think it's what any concerned parent would do.

We filed for I-751 with VSC on June 2012 and by end of January 2013 we should have a decision. I have made a very good case for our bonafide marriage in the application but now things have changed for the worse. I think this is a now-or-never kind of opportunity to break this off.

What do you guys think? What do you suggest? Please feel free to ask about any details I may have missed. And thank you for your time reading this.

[TBoneTX 45,309]

*** Thread moved from Removing Conditions forum to Effects of Major Changes forum, because of the crucial differences between this and a normal ROC case. ***

[Hypnos 6,576]

Your wife can change to a waiver filing of the I-751 to remove conditions, you are not needed for that.

What I am saying is, deal with the situation on its own merits, do not wait for "trigger dates" or anything like that. Do what is best for you, and - more importantly - what is best for your son.

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

Honestly, it sounds like you two didn't know eachother well enough, and maybe she didn't truly consider the huge change that a move from a (poor?) country to the USA is, but this does not sound like fraud. She has been here for 2 years, she could have left you a lot earlier if she was just here for the grencard.

Divorce her and move on. You can certainly send a letter to USCIS and withdraw your support of the Removal of Conditions, but she can do it by herself.

[Xanax 349]

Honestly, it sounds like you two didn't know eachother well enough, and maybe she didn't truly consider the huge change that a move from a (poor?) country to the USA is, but this does not sound like fraud. She has been here for 2 years, she could have left you a lot earlier if she was just here for the grencard.

Divorce her and move on. You can certainly send a letter to USCIS and withdraw your support of the Removal of Conditions, but she can do it by herself.

Agreed. She could have left at any time and you say she wants/ wanted to go home... It doesn't sound like she is trying to use you to get a 10 year GC. Maybe her family hope she will sponsor them or something but it doesn't sound like that is her main goal or she could have left earlier and still done it!

Similarly, you can't "get her kicked out of the country". I have no idea why the USC always seems to think they can just send back their immigrant spouse when things don't work out... And just because things aren't working out does not mean she had fraudulent intentions or your marriage was not "bonafide" - she stayed with you and had your child! She did not have to stay , nor have your child and if all she wanted was a GC she could have tried other means to that end like filing a false VAWA (has been done), divorcing you and ROC on her own, etc.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Xanax

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm not sure I agree with the others about her not being with you for the GC. It sounds like she has a lot of family pressure (which is common in some countries) to find a USC man, marry him, and then bring her family over. It sounds like she may not have really loved you, but tried to make it work and that that was incredibly hard on her (hence her breakdowns).

I wish I could say that having a baby means no fraud, but I've read at least 2 situations I can clearly recall where children were had because they immigrant thought it showed a stronger case for their immigration (and after getting their way left) or simply because they weren't careful enough with birth control. It could also be she didn't know that she could stay in the country any other way, or maybe she was told it was easier just to stay with you and so she tried.

She also sounds like she has some serious mental issues. This could stem from being in a relationship with someone she doesn't actually love. It could be post-natal depression (especially the comments about the child and being unable to handle him, that's a common statement).

You could take her to the doctor and mention these "breakdowns" and see whether they put on any medication (which if she doesn't want to take won't help anything). Or you could divorce her and file for custody of your son with the reports of friends for abuse of the child. CPS might get involved though so speak to an attorney before you try and get custody by saying she abused the kid, because you could get into trouble for not removing him from that dangerous situation (i.e. kicking her butt out) if you recognised the abuse was occurring a while ago.

You could wait until the ROC is finished, or you could pull out now and explain the divorce waiver to her. That part is up to you but neither will result in her deportation unless you have actual proof that she married you for the GC (just thinking it isn't enough).

I would suggest that you sit her down with someone else (maybe a therapist) when you tell her you've filed for divorce and custody in the hopes of calmly explaining to her how it will work, that she's not going to be deported etc etc, after all, she IS his mother. I truly think that after she is out of the situation that is making her unhappy (her relationship with you and being trapped in the house with your son) that she may turn back into the person you loved. This doesn't mean you should get back together though because obviously your relationship is hurting her emotionally (or she's just got other issues she needs to deal with) but maybe she will at least start feeling better and will be able to be a better parent to your son.

[hikergirl 277]

I was thinking that maybe instead of her family pressuring her with regards to her sponsoring them over, she may be from one of the cultures that expects her to send them money to help the family. That could be why the family is enquiring about her financial situation. They don’t understand why she’s not helping them out when she (in their minds) is in a situation where she can. You said that you save every dollar towards your son’s college is why I am speculating that you don’t help out her family. You may think that it’s not your responsibility to help out her family and this may be widening the gulf between you and your wife.

You don’t say whether or not she is working but if she’s not, she may be taking her frustration with not being able to send money home to her family out on your son. This is NO excuse for child abuse - there is never any reason good enough to abuse a child.

You clearly care about your son and seem concerned with him and his welfare. I don’t see anything remotely caring in your writing about your wife. Whatever happens, she IS and always will be his mother. You must take care in your dealings with her or it may come back and haunt you in your relationship with your son. You would like to completely cut her out of your lives but be prepared to answer the hard questions as a parent in the future if that comes to be for whatever reason.

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

She also sounds like she has some serious mental issues. This could stem from being in a relationship with someone she doesn't actually love. It could be post-natal depression (especially the comments about the child and being unable to handle him, that's a common statement).

You could take her to the doctor and mention these "breakdowns" and see whether they put on any medication (which if she doesn't want to take won't help anything).

Very good point there- it sounds like the really bad stuff started after the child was born? She may have serious post natal depression, made worse by not having the support of her family (important for all new moms, but even more so in some cultures).

[Xanax 349]

Post partum depression is very serious!

[gotmarried8years 2]

Thank you everyone for your insightful replies. You have helped me so much to put things into perspective. For example, I never thought that her family might be in it for the GC/financial support but she might not. I also did not consider post-natal depression as such a big factor in her breakdowns. This last one was very inconsiderate of me I will bring this up with her and her doctor in her next OB/GYN appointment and see if her doctor has any suggestions or medication.

I am sorry I gave the feeling that I do not care about my wife. To the contrary, she has always been the woman of my dreams and I always went overboard in trying to make her happy. But when that beautiful little human being came to life, I believe I have to focus my energy on him, too. I'd thought every parent would feel the same but maybe it was my vigorous dedication to our son that may have made her feel left out.

My wife does not work. She is a stay-at-home mom and I am a work-at-home dad. But we do go out as much as time permits (almost every day) and she goes out with the son by herself when I cannot join them. We also go on vacations and I really do my best to make her life as enjoyable as I can. There is another reason that I did not mention (and a fear of sorts) about not letting her take our son back home: I am affraid that she will use him as leverage to get us to move there permanently, and I would really despise her for that.

Again, thank you all for your input. This subject has been haunting me recently and this discussion thread turned out to be a very relieving experience. I never imagined my VJ family could help me out like this. You guys rock!

P.S.

Please don't take this post to mean "end of discussion". If you have other questions or suggestions, I would love to hear you out!

[Ihavequestions 419]

Seeing my great affection for my son, my wife began slowly dragging him into fights and using him as reason to have these nervous breakdowns. Reasons? He "drives her nuts". He is a skinny type of kid (but above average for his height/weight), so he doesn't eat as much other kids do. This makes the wife crazy! She starts yelling at him, screaming, cursing... eventually crying and then back to normal for a few more days. Recently, she started to slap him on the face hard, which I do not take kindly to. I am totally opposed to violence and do not think it's a solution to anything, especially when raising another human being. Time again, she is showing her lack of kindness and increased violence towards our son. She may love him but her treatment of our son is speaking louder in our case. After the recent breakdown, I have seriously considered (but chickened out on) calling child protective services on her. I don't know if it's a deportable offense or not but I was affraid I would lose our son, so that's why I backed down. Of course, there were witnesses (mostly my family and the UPS guy was delivering a package) during her last fit of rage.

I'm not excusing your wife's behavior, nor am I condoning it, however I have to wonder if part of this is due to your wife's culture. You don't say where she's from (contaminated?), but it is not unusual nor is it unheard of - and in lots of place it's normal and expected - to raise and discipline child in a manner that we (meaning, Americans) would consider abusive.

Just some food for thought.

[survivor2012 7]

I'm not excusing your wife's behavior, nor am I condoning it, however I have to wonder if part of this is due to your wife's culture. You don't say where she's from (contaminated?), but it is not unusual nor is it unheard of - and in lots of place it's normal and expected - to raise and discipline child in a manner that we (meaning, Americans) would consider abusive.

Just some food for thought.

True. This is a good point. Asian parents beat up their babies like nothing. Hehe

[gotmarried8years 2]

You don't say where she's from (contaminated?), but it is not unusual nor is it unheard of - and in lots of place it's normal and expected - to raise and discipline child in a manner that we (meaning, Americans) would consider abusive.

She is from Kosovo, which was heavily bombed for about 70 days in 1999. All those bombs are believed to have contaminated the country, so any foods that grow are contaminated as a result. Being an agriculturally rich area, the population relies on domestic vegetables and such. And for political reasons the people there cannot expose the actual number of deaths caused by cancer but it is evident that after the war there are people in their 20s-30s dying from cancer, which is something that hasn't happened before (or it was very rare).

Yes, the country's culture involves disciplining children but not as extremely as other cultures (such as Asian cultures, for example). Spanking a child in the bottom lightly is acceptable in my opinion, but slapping a child with all your might??? That's definitely abuse!

I am consulting friends and family about handling this problem. I also plan to talk to my wife about talking to her doctor about the possibility of post-birdh trauma...

Thank you everyone! I am so glad and thankful that reliable people like you frequent these forums. Words cannot express my gratefulness.