Just filed for Greencard, now domestic violence and mentally ill husband!

[redflower7 0]

Hi

I just wanted to give you all an update. Thanks for your help! It’s really appreciated!

He is now (you guess) since that incident happened on Thursday morning, real nice. He was really devastated about what he did. Looked real bad Thursday and kept saying he loves me. Since we got together last June the only thing which he had was he hated long conversations, and changed his personality or moods, which I now think had to do with his brain. Sometimes he had tightness, and every now and then the cloud but nothing else!

Then there were days when he didn’t want to talk longer then 2 minutes, if I did he got into his bad stages. Since Friday morning however his full head problem from the past returned!!!

We had a visitor in the morning (for 45 mins) and he couldn’t concentrate on anything he said. After that he slept for 2 hours. He said on the bed that he hears water inside his head. And that it used to be like this in the past when he had it very acute. He said 3 years ago he went to a normal doctor and then he thinks to a neurologist who only did a CAT scan but didn’t find anything. Then they just said he works too much. Every year these problems came back. Now it’s back again!

When he came back from work last night he told me that the cloud is really fully back now like in the past, he was not well all day at work and at one point almost fell. That whatever people were saying he was getting angry but didn’t show it. Was very irritable.

Then we had a talk (were I very carefully asked him all his symptoms and written them down). He lay on the bed and said that everything on the ceiling is moving in high speed and opposite directions and he can’t focus. During the talk it got on an off.

Then he told me that the problem first started in 2008 a few months after his wife died of cancer: (it lasted 2 months!!!) It was real bad.

In the beginning there was also insomnia, he was always tired, went to family doctor, got meds, then his daughter said stop and he took only melatonin, after 1 month the insomnia stopped, but all the other things continued for another month and were very bad:

-cloud in his head

-tightness and discomfort, like pain

-difficulty to concentrate, wasn’t interested in peoples talking, not happy, better when they don’t talk. (My brain didn’t want to answer. Wanted to sleep and relax.)

-heard noise (electronic magnet noise inside the head)

-when getting up things were going around in a very fast pace (dizziness), couldn’t walk had to sit back down

-tried to stay focused, but couldn’t

-if people talked long, like my customers, I wanted to get out there, I didn’t want to start conversation as much as possible

The second time the same happened again except the insomnia, 1 year later in 2009 and lasted 1 month!

The third time was in June 2011 just before we got together. It lasted for 2 weeks

The fourth time is now since yesterday.

2 weeks ago I been talking with him, he got mad when talking, said it’s like a hammer in his brain. But he didn’t have these things in his head and always blamed me for talking too much. But in my opinion he never really talked with me, just a couple of sentences.

Now I wonder that maybe his brain problem never really disappeared and this is why he always got mad and angry with me???

I always wondered why there were those few days when he was real nice, understanding, loving and fine. And then on other days he was totally different.

When he had those bad days he was angry quickly and then talked differently and took things back like promises and broke agreements, and was rude and nasty.

Just in those days when I said something he didn’t like or talked a bit too long he got angry and said bad things and things which don’t make sense. Then ran away quickly, but I got after him as I was very hurt, and nicely tried to reason with him. But he then always asked me to shut up, then threatened me and later became violent. Even though I stayed calm and nice, just talking little to calm him even kissing him, he got worse and worse very quickly. To calm him never worked, also to change his mind in those moments or to talk sense never worked he just said crazy and horrible things. Sometimes he was talking to me, giving me a speech but it all was wrong and he then didn't take anything of what I said. His love completely went away; he had no compassion, was very cruel, always said he is going to court house, and saw me in a totally different way. (next morning when calm he thought totally different again).

Since around 5 weeks he also sometimes threatened to kill me if I say a word more.

Now, if I think about it, the only problem we ever had in our relationship was always about talking. Even the violence always started with him getting upset about talking.

He said to me from the beginning of our courtship that he doesn’t like talking long. Just short and sweet. Often got angry when I didn’t get a point quickly, or when a conversation went a little deeper, or longer. He also told me he is impatient when people don’t get things right away.

He always fell asleep during every movie. Afterwards didn’t want to talk about the movie. Had no interest, like other boyfriends, about inquiring about my past. He said in the beginning: we will never ever have 1,5 hours conversation, like you had with your boyfriend! No way! Half an hour he said would be fine occasionally. But he said there is no need really as everything can be done in 5 to 10 mins.

One day before we married he was shocked that I talked with my school friend Sandra from Germany for 2 hours on the phone and told me im not normal that no one is doing this and people just have short conversations on the phone. But I didn’t speak to her for 2 months.

So most of the time it was like this: he came home; we talked a bit or let’s say I tried to make mutual conversation, her never felt a need, just very quick. Then he got up, ran away, in the middle of the talk and that was just up to 5 minutes, or became unkind and said its garbage. Of course I didn’t like that and inquired about it. He then asked me to not say a word anymore. I was always hurt and that was hard for me as I thought he was just mean and rude again. He often said be quiet for 10 mins and told me how difficult it is to live with me and other mean things. Sometimes he went to bed and slept again. Later we continued, and I was able to say something for a couple of more minutes...sometimes 2 or 5 he then got angry... and ran away and got more and more mad. If I then said don’t treat me like this please, he would be extremely sensitive to one more things I said. While he was mad he always blamed me for messing up his head. Then the violence started. Up to a couple of days ago when he pushed the pillow on my face.

I now wonder if the whole thing is connected and that’s why he became violent? I said to him this morning that this whole thing has nothing to do with me but that his brain problem never went away. Although it always looked like it went away for a year. But still the tightness was occasionally there and the cloud. But there were other times when he was ok with me talking for a bit longer and stayed very nice and kind and did everything for me. These changes I never really understood. And then there was a time when I just said 1 thing to him, for example at night and he got angry about me approaching him when he gets up at night. But that varied greatly as just a few nights before he talked back for 2 mins.

So his level seems to fluctuate by itself, that is why I could never pinpoint when he gets angry and nasty. And never what I could do to make it better, as there were always those times when he seemed fine.

Does anyone here have any more ideas? (I hope I still make sense as I am a bit confused today from all the stress)

I will call the 3 psychiatrist Monday and hope one of them is giving us an appointment next week! He didn’t want the emergency room as it is extremely expensive on the weekend but said he will go to a doctor anyway. I hope the woman from the FL psychiatric society was right that I get an appointment with a local psychiatrist quicker then with the hospital psychiatrists. I am very worried that they may tell me they are full. Maybe then i can tell them that its an emergency? Maybe I should tell them right on the phone it’s an emergency so they see us quick, I just hope they wont say then if he tried to kill you have to call the police and have him admitted.

[TBoneTX 45,312]

Thanks for the thoroughly detailed update -- and good for you for so carefully collecting and noting his symptoms!

I'm not a doctor, but could this be a severe inner-ear problem? Or, from the stress of his previous wife's illness/death, might he have experienced a trauma that has physically affected his brain? "Death of a spouse" is one of the highest-stress life events that anyone could experience.

Get to a psychiatrist when you can, of course, but I suspect that the psychiatrist will immediately refer him for a physical examination. I still think that you should strive for an appointment with a GOOD general practitioner who will take a COMPLETE medical history and perform some in-office tests to determine whether the inner ear should be examined further. Please consider doing this first.

[redflower7 0]

Thanks for the thoroughly detailed update -- and good for you for so carefully collecting and noting his symptoms!

I'm not a doctor, but could this be a severe inner-ear problem? Or, from the stress of his previous wife's illness/death, might he have experienced a trauma that has physically affected his brain? "Death of a spouse" is one of the highest-stress life events that anyone could experience.

Get to a psychiatrist when you can, of course, but I suspect that the psychiatrist will immediately refer him for a physical examination. I still think that you should strive for an appointment with a GOOD general practitioner who will take a COMPLETE medical history and perform some in-office tests to determine whether the inner ear should be examined further. Please consider doing this first.

Hi TBoneTX,

I don’t think he would go to a general doctor as well. We still don’t have insurance and he just about, at least at his very moment, still is willing to go to a psychiatrist, as he feels a bit better with his head today (just the cloud still a bit there and the tightness). I just hope that tomorrow when I call the 3 of them that one of them will help me and give us a quick appointment. The last 2 days he behaved normal was very loving, nice and able to listen.

Today I noticed that he was singing under the shower. In bed again and a bit over the top. I think his level is changing again! Slowly! It might be something like hypomania I don’t know but he does have an elevated mood today. And he got irritated 3 times already, in the four hours before he went to work earlier. The thing is that he didn’t get irritated in the last 2 days and I think he is starting to change as he starts to moan about little things and saying I shouldn’t do this or that otherwise things go bad.... I have to be really careful now as I think if something would now happen and we have an argument now he would blame me, change his opinion again about what he said in the last days (he said: he realized he was wrong im just a normal woman but he HAS a problem with his brain and needs help as he cant handle conversations) and might then ultimately take the whole doctor thing away again, as he changes his views again.

That is exactly how it always was. He was fine with me for some time then suddenly not anymore, got upset and irritated and said at some point unfair things and when I said its not right he explained and what he says got more and more blaming me and seeing things wrong, not taking my point on, then at some point says stop now, but I didn’t want to leave these things falsely like this, then he usually got mad and if I didn’t leave hit me.

Im really worried and hope I can get an appointment for him quickly! Somewhere!

Edited January 13, 2013 by redflower7

[lierre 224]

It is exhausting to walk in eggshells like that all the time, dear. Are you really going to let him hurt you again?

Report to VAWA and have him seek treatment.

You owe yourself a better life.

[redflower7 0]

Hi,

I talked to my lawyer which i havent talked to for a long time. I met her when i first arrived here. She is very good. She told me that i have a very good case for VAWA and it would get 99% through as I also have a diary where i written down each day what has happened. I think she said VAWA takes 1,5 years to get it through and then i would have the greencard? She said it would not cause any consequences for my husband? I just told him very calmly and he wants to support me.

Edited January 16, 2013 by redflower7

[TBoneTX 45,312]

I talked to my lawyer which i havent talked to for a long time. I met her when i first arrived here. She is very good. She told me that i have a very good case for VAWA and it would get 99% through as I also have a diary where i written down each day what has happened. I think she said VAWA takes 1,5 years to get it through and then i would have the greencard? She said it would not cause any consequences for my husband? I just told him very calmly and he wants to support me.

Of course do what you need to, but try to get him help, too. If it's something reasonably curable and you could live with things during the process, would you stay with him?

[redflower7 0]

Of course do what you need to, but try to get him help, too. If it's something reasonably curable and you could live with things during the process, would you stay with him?

Definitely yes! I just don’t want to get killed and he still thinks he could do it as he is blind in those moments. I am even now still thinking of staying although he thinks its better I leave. I don’t know but many medical people I talked to said: MOVE OUT. It’s dangerous.

I called many hospitals and talked to nurses. A nurse friend I told all his symptoms and she says it’s either schizophrenia or a tumor in his brain. Another nurse says it might be a tumor. Each way: it is dangerous as he already threatened me many times and with the pillow had the intention of killing me.

My biggest hope is that we find out what it is and then we will be forever together.

Do you know if I could file VAWA and stay married?

[Caryh 5,206]

Definitely yes! I just don’t want to get killed and he still thinks he could do it as he is blind in those moments. I am even now still thinking of staying although he thinks its better I leave. I don’t know but many medical people I talked to said: MOVE OUT. It’s dangerous.

I called many hospitals and talked to nurses. A nurse friend I told all his symptoms and she says it’s either schizophrenia or a tumor in his brain. Another nurse says it might be a tumor. Each way: it is dangerous as he already threatened me many times and with the pillow had the intention of killing me.

My biggest hope is that we find out what it is and then we will be forever together.

Do you know if I could file VAWA and stay married?

Get out of the house and file VAWA, I'm not sure if you can stay married although I would guess not. But nothing would stop you from remarrying later if his problems can be cured. Right now you are in danger, he knows it, every one you talk with knows it, and inside you know it. Just because you have to move out to be safe, doesn't mean you are required to stop caring or loving your husband. Even if you need to get a civil divorce to get VAWA and get a green card, that doesn't mean in your hearts or in the eyes of god you not married. It may be what you need to do to keep the government happy, and yourself safe, but your relationship with him doesn't need to end.

[Villanelle 4,122]

Oh my. We went over VAWA requirements earlier in the thread. (You can remain married and file for VAWA, being divorced from the abuser is not a requirement).

Go back and re-read Sandras posts or check the VAWA thread. To file a claim VAWA you need evidence. For physical abuse VAWA you need at a minimum -police reports, a restraining order, photos. It will help if you have documents from the hospital or place you went to to seek medical treatment for after the 'attack', the shelter you went to after you left the home and counselor you saw after leaving your spouse.

Submitting and extensive/detailed affidavit like a journal IS NOT ENOUGH. The affidavit of course is necessary but you must show evidence.

So your lawyers loose advice of VAWA wont affect him is mostly true. The VAWA petition itself wont effect him. Its a matter between USCIS and you, he has no role in it. But the things you need to do to obtain the evidence will. IE- obtain police reports and a restraining order involve reporting him to the police for domestic violence. (you can remain married to someone you reported for DV, plenty of women do, you can even remain married to someone you have a restraining order against- you just can not have any contact with them while its in effect. Once the situation is resolved you can go back to court and request the restraining order be lifted. If you can show just cause (your husband is under the care of a Dr, receiving treatment and that was the cause of his violence and you are no longer in danger or fearful, it will be lifted)

To file for just mental abuse VAWA- its a much harder case to win, but it might be the more preferable route for you, as there is no police involvement. For mental abuse, again you have to leave the home, you should submit documentation from the shelter you went to. But the most important thing is the psychological evaluation that would show you are suffering depression and/or severe anxiety due the abuse suffered. Additional documentation to help your case could be a letter from your husbands Dr stating he has a medical condition once he is diagnosed stating he has xyz condition that caused him to act irrational and abusive towards you. But your evaluation is the core element, not his.

You journals in a mental abuse VAWA case would be pretty much useless and youd have to ask or possibly PM Sandra or your lawyer if you file with one about including them if you file for VAWA because if they are laced with physical abuse and you are not claiming physical abuse or submitting any proof or evidence of physical abuse like police reports, just the journals. So they may work against you and not for you (?) But I dont know, thats just what it seems to me, but Im not a VAWA lawyer, so I recommend you seek advice from one before taking action on that specific matter.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

You won't be able to prove physical abuse because you never called the cops and you don't have a police report, and for Vawa Unit allegations of physical violence without proof they don't give a damn.

To prove mental abuse you need to have a psychological evaluation stating you are suffering depression and/or pos traumatic disorder, you are taking medications, you have to prove you can't function properly. You are not the same person due the abuse suffered. You need to prove you were often subjected to control and/or degradation,humiliation etc. and because of that you suffered EXTREMELY MENTAL ABUSE.

I don't understand how your lawyer said you have a Vawa case if you don't have yet a diagnose of mental abuse signed by a psychologist, if she is just considering physical abuse then what do you have to prove physical abuse?

Do not waste your time filing Vawa based in physical abuse without having a police report and restraining order.

If you want to file Vawa you have to file a report of the physical abuse suffered.You have to prove bonafide marriage as well, then you need to show bills in name of both, and commingling finances( joint tax return,joint bank account) .

Edited January 16, 2013 by sandranj

[justashooter 430]

this does not sound like "bi-polar". it sounds more like "adjustment disorder" which is basically just being stressed out by changes in our lives we are not in control of. prolly this guy needs to grieve the loss of his last wife more, and come to terms with the permenency of his new marriage.

the physical abuse is unacceptable. you should indicate that you will report any further abuse to the police, and ask him to get some counseling for his difficulty in adjusting to his new life. he is not mentally ill, just challenged by the change in circumstance. it is commonly exacerbated in intercultural marriages, but your culture is not so far from his, so you are likely just a small part of his issues.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

redflower7 you don't need to be divorced to file Vawa, you may file Vawa despite living in the same house, but not living as couple anymore,you have to convince them the only reason you are staying is because you couldn't find an available place to move in, such as a shelter for abused spouses, a friend's house etc.

Vawa Unit allows the person to file Vawa when the individuals are trying to find some place to stay etc. When attending AOS interview the first question is "do you live with your abuser" if you say "yes" the adjudicator will ask "why are you still living with him/her"? well if he understands that you still have a relationship with the abuser he will deny your AOS right there, despite the Vawa approval.VAWA was created to deal with abuse against women/men and to protect abused people, but not for the abused aliens keep the relationship with the abusers.

.

[TBoneTX 45,312]

Two nurses speculate that it's a brain tumor?

Get him that physical examination ASAP.

[Villanelle 4,122]

Sandra- Your posts are always very informative so thank you for that. I was not aware that someone could effectively file for VAWA while remaining in the home with the abuser... However I believe in redflowers situation, this would not be an appropriate solution because her husband is not opposed to her AOS. If shes going to remain in the home, she would really have no need to go through VAWA, she can receive her AOS through the standard process.

However since this thread has been going on now for 12 days and the husband has yet to receive any sort of medical care, I hate to say it but justashooter put into words something Id been thinking but was reluctant to post.

There is a possibility that he does not have a medical condition at all and is just a 'bad guy.'

Some people will argue that men that are abusive are mentally ill. That theres something wrong with them that causes them to be abusive. And its somewhat true. They have problems with anger management or like justashooter described- an adjustment disorder, but its on one end of the mental health spectrum where Schizophrenia or Antisocial Personality Disorder or Schizoaffective disorder are way at the other end and would classify someone as mentally ill.

So it is very much possible that the husband just has emotional issues and is allowing the wife to believe he is suffering from something much worse (a mental illness or a medical condition) rather then admit he just has normal problems and is unable to cope with them and reacts in an inappropriate and violent manner.

His refusal or reluctance to see a Dr could be because he knows if or when he does they will properly diagnosis him as such and he will in essence be busted.

A normal person who experienced symptoms like - a cloud in their head, tightness and discomfort,difficulty concentrating, hearing magnetic noises, dizziness, difficulty focusing, and violent outbursts directed at people they love, would be incredibly alarmed and check themselves into the nearest emergency room asap. Insurance or no insurance.

Anyone who does not is either- not experiencing those symptoms, or is severely mentally or medically ill and needs a responsible party (ie his wife) to assume control and step in and bring him to a doctor.

[Deina 8]

Your patience is admirable!..but you are in a situation where your life and your husband life is put in danger; the fact that you live in the house with your own executioner doesn't put you on the run and find safety, it will just delay the inevitable when his mind will be completely dark.

If you care about him, as we all can see, than find a way for your husband sake and move out; ( from what I read and understood doesn't look like you value your life ) so if you value his life more than yours, don't let him end up in jail; what good is to protect him, putting your safety in danger, if anyway he will end up losing his freedom or life too?? Me, if I were you, I was already in Germany, protecting  both of us from his madness...

My advice is not to divorce, but currently look for shelter even if it is impossible to be together for the next weeks, months or years...

Can you not live with one of his relatives? Did you consider going back to Germany for a period, even if will affect your legal status in U.S?? Or both of you moving to Germany, it seems hard for you to help him in his country and he doesn't show much support either. In your own country will be easier for you, perhaps you may have family to help you?...

If you already apply for AOS, can you not leave U.S on parole? Did you get your travel parol?.. I'm not sure about the exact name of it! But maybe you should consider visit Germany for a month or two and see how he acts when you are not around him and also if " dir zur liebe " will seek professional help..and from there you will decide which turn your and his life will take, find a point to move on!!! I'm sorry I am not able to help you more but other users already show many information immigration related.