Just filed for Greencard, now domestic violence and mentally ill husband!

[lierre 224]

Wow. Im not suggesting that whats wrong with him can not be neurological or that the OP should totally forgo any kinds of tests of those kinds. I am simply stating that the odds are very small that it is based on what she has posted so far.

It is also very dangerous to suggest or plant the idea into someones mind who has a physiological illness that their condition is not psychologically based and is being caused by a physical illness that is just going unrecognized and untreated, because it will prevent them from seeking and receiving the proper treatment. Already she has posted concern that if she does not find the proper dr and he does not receive the proper diagnosis on the first try, he would be reluctant to go back. That is a very bad sign.

I believe that depends on what kind of attitude towards health care the OP and her husband has. The mindset that psychiatric diseases is a much more cause for alarm than neurologic diseases is very very wrong. Disease is disease. Disorder is a disorder. It needs treatment ASAP. While his symptoms may be manifestations of a hundred different neurologic, psychiatric, hormonal etc. diseases, this does not mean it can never be diagnosed. A patient's positive attitude towards his health and even seeking out treatment for his condition is just as important as the diagnosis and treatment of the disease itself.

Redflower7, i know that aside from issues re: immigration, VAWA, AOS... You are also desperately in need of answers as to what your husband's condition is. You and your husband need to do something about his health NOW. If he does not want to actively seek medical help (cause it seems like you're the one doing the legwork on this, not him) and does not get appropriate treatment soon, please do NOT risk your safety. You do not deserve to be at the receiving end of his outbursts of anger AND violence. Nobody does. Please do not disregard your safety. I agree with Capri that you should file for VaWA. I agree with TBoneTX that you should seek professional help (not even a psychiatrist yet) for your husband.

Edited January 8, 2013 by ivyanddan

[Villanelle 4,122]

Ok for the cigna site, you need to enter your personal info to get started. Once you do a page will open up with various plans listed. I entered a random zip code for the miami area as well as info for a male age 43. The most expensive quote its giving me is for 343$ a month. When I click the name of it on the left "Open access 100/80" another tab opens up with a pdf page detailing the plan info-

https://cigna.healthplan.com/user-docs/008829_822069h_SummaryofBenefits_Open_Access_1000_80_FL.pdf

On page 2 I can see they offer mental health services. It says you pay 20%. That means I pay 20% of whatever the Dr charges. It also says 12 visits a year. Meaning I can only see the Dr 12 times a year. On page one it states the annual individual deductible is 1000. That means I pay the first 1000 in bills before the insurance kicks in.

Heres a link for one on the Celtic site. It has a 2500 deductible, meaning youll pay the first 2500 in bills and after that 20% of each dr visit but there is no limit to how many mental health dr visits you can have with their plan

https://celtic.inshealth.com/ehi/IFPOverview.ds?cid=3209&pid=21303&row=13&mcei.appl.rowCount=17&rate=367.87&mcei.app.terminalID=__tid__4_&type=1&PREV_QUOTE_SCREEN=IFPAllPlans

[redflower7 0]

I dont really know too much about J1 visas.

But if you were married and applied for AOS (your conditional GC) in Dec or as the paralegal called it the 'temporary one', it could take anywhere from 4 months to 1 year to receive it depending on how fast your case get processed. Once your conditional GC is issued it is valid for 2 years. Like I mentioned before if you divorce prior to the 2 year expiration you can file to remove the conditions on your own, if you dont, then 90 days prior to the expiration, you and your spouse file jointly to remove the conditions and you receive what your paralegal called the 'permanent card' the 10 year GC.

Technically both cards are valid Greencards. I dont know why the paralegal would use words like temporary and permanent when explaining it.

And as I posted waaay back in the thread, your only option for living separately during the AOS process with out damaging your petition would be to temporarily and discretely stay at a hotel. If you move from the home and obtain a new residence apart from your husband in the eyes of USCIS you no longer have a bonafide marriage and no basis for AOS.

Yes he told me it takes between 4 to 6 months. I think he called it conditional or temporary. So if i divorce before even getting this one then there is nothing i can do? Or if i live seperately. He cannot pay the hotel but he can pay me a studio apartment and is willing and even suggested it for my safety. If he tells USCIS that he has been violent 5 times and has a mental problem and is worried about my safety and i was very loyal and always sticking to him despite the danger and we still dont divorce but live in seperate places until he gets help and then move back together will they not understand that??? (this is what he said to me as he is sure i will still get my papers if he says all that!)

[Villanelle 4,122]

Oh my. Lets try this another way. Right now you are in immigration limbo. Its like you have no status until your GC is issued. Until your GC is issued you need to remain in a legitimate bonafide marriage with your spouse- which means you reside at the same residence.

If the home is dangerous or unsafe YOU CAN AND SHOULD LEAVE IT IMMEDIATELY. This will void your current AOS petition and you will have to file for VAWA if you want to remain in the US. To do so you will have to involve the police to file for a physical vawa abuse claim or seek out a psychologist to obtain exams and documentation to file a mental abuse vawa claim. (your husband simply contacting USCIS and saying hey Im a bad guy who abused her isnt enough to get you a VAWA approval although it would help)

[redflower7 0]

I believe that depends on what kind of attitude towards health care the OP and her husband has. The mindset that psychiatric diseases is a much more cause for alarm than neurologic diseases is very very wrong. Disease is disease. Disorder is a disorder. It needs treatment ASAP. While his symptoms may be manifestations of a hundred different neurologic, psychiatric, hormonal etc. diseases, this does not mean it can never be diagnosed. A patient's positive attitude towards his health and even seeking out treatment for his condition is just as important as the diagnosis and treatment of the disease itself.

Redflower7, i know that aside from issues re: immigration, VAWA, AOS... You are also desperately in need of answers as to what your husband's condition is. You and your husband need to do something about his health NOW. If he does not want to actively seek medical help (cause it seems like you're the one doing the legwork on this, not him) and does not get appropriate treatment soon, please do NOT risk your safety. You do not deserve to be at the receiving end of his outbursts of anger AND violence. Nobody does. Please do not disregard your safety. I agree with Capri that you should file for VaWA. I agree with TBoneTX that you should seek professional help (not even a psychiatrist yet) for your husband.

Yes im doing the legwork but its also because he is working All the time. Especially monday and tuesday he is doing 14 hours double shift. I never seen someone working that much in my life. Yes i desperatly want to know what his condition is. He just about and for me would see a doctor he still tries to talk things away like if i would be quiet then it wouldnt happen. Or now he thinks he is ok for 4 days but then he cannot take me with his brain anymore and then gets like this. So blames me. But then there are other little moments when i say you do still think you may have something wrong with you and he says yes. When he is upset he says: there is nothing wrong with my brain. 4 days ago he said to me: I take life insurance as well maybe if i die in 2 years you are safe and covered. And i asked him because they might find something serious? And he said: yes.

I used to think he might be lying somtimes as he always says things differently but the friend i have in England (who says she is not a doctor but a very good psychotherapist) she says that he means it always when he says it.

So he would go now. But then there will be ongoing treatment. I will call the 2 insurance companies capri talked about tomorrow and see if they can offer a plan including mental health. I cannot talk too much to my husband about this as he may change again if it becomes too much info or gets too depressed.

Filing for VAWA would include calling the police having him arrested, him loosing probably his job, getting the restraining order etc right? And then i even have to get an evaluation from a therapist like someone said here to proof i suffer severe anxiety? With no money, no husband anymore, and no chance for a future together (the only reason why i am with him is bec he is sick and i want to see if this is treatable and he gets stable or we have no chance but i want to try this). Then i dont have a work permit yet which according to the paralegal i would get in 5 weeks so i cannot support myself when he sits in prison and i feel a bit bad of turning a mentally sick person into prison. His life would be messed up. His kids and boss would know he is in prison.

What do you mean by that "I agree with TBoneTX that you should seek professional help (not even a psychiatrist yet) for your husband.

" Do you mean a normal doctor for a medical check up?

Anyway there are so many problems here! I hope first of all that i find tomorrow quickly an insurance who covers things. He would pay one time 450 but not other things on top of that. As he is still in doubt. If i get out of here, a hotel is too expensive. An apartment would be nice but not possible. Bad situation.

[TBoneTX 45,312]

What do you mean by that "I agree with TBoneTX that you should seek professional help (not even a psychiatrist yet) for your husband.

" Do you mean a normal doctor for a medical check up?

My reading of it is yes. Call around to general practitioners and explain to the nurse that you need a doctor who is a very good diagnostician. If you can find a clinic with doctors of many medical specialties all together (family practice, neurologist, endocrinologist), it may ease the referral appointments and the laboratory or imaging tests that are called for.

Again, I'm not a doctor, but it could be that a simple prescription for a medication (perhaps a tranquilizer) could take the edge off the situation until more thorough investigation into the medical/mental causes of the behavior can be performed.

You might call your county health department, ask to speak to the supervisor or the director, explain your situation, and get some good insights regarding how best to proceed.

Perhaps I speak for many here when I say how impressed I am with your poise, your thinking, and your resolve.

Edited January 8, 2013 by TBoneTX

[redflower7 0]

My reading of it is yes. Call around to general practitioners and explain to the nurse that you need a doctor who is a very good diagnostician. If you can find a clinic with doctors of many medical specialties all together (family practice, neurologist, endocrinologist), it may ease the referral appointments and the laboratory or imaging tests that are called for.

Again, I'm not a doctor, but it could be that a simple prescription for a medication (perhaps a tranquilizer) could take the edge off the situation until more thorough investigation into the medical/mental causes of the behavior can be performed.

You might call your county health department, ask to speak to the supervisor or the director, explain your situation, and get some good insights regarding how best to proceed.

Perhaps I speak for many here when I say how impressed I am with your poise, your thinking, and your resolve.

Hello TBoneTX

Thank you very much

Actually he came home now. 1 hour before he called me and I told him I am not feeling well and he said: of course my darling we can talk please don’t worry and be calm. But then when he was here we sat down and I only asked him if he could change that at every time he gets mad after 4 nice days that he wants to finish again as I cant handle the ups and downs anymore and find them very difficult. He was trying to explain this away and said if I would understand him better he would never get like this. And that I am an ignorant person and many other things. Then I said but you know its something with you as well (like I explained to him at 4pm before he went to work about his mental health) and then he said: My brain is fine. What type of woman are you to tell this your husband! There is nothing wrong with me. (but I said the same thing to him at 4pm)

If you wouldn’t be in my life I would be alright. And then he took everything back again. And I reminded him that he said himself he believes he is mentally ill 1 week ago and said that to me and he said: I only say that because I care for you, that’s what you want to hear.

But I know that each day when I asked him he really said he is thinking that and confirmed that he is honest. And what about a couple of days ago when he wanted to get life insurance he even said to me: I am getting this just in case they find something serious. I confronted him with that and he said: Yes this is why I want to get colon check up with the health insurance etc. but a couple of days ago I am sure he meant that in connection with his brain and going to a psychiatrist that he wants life insurance!

Now he seems to be blaming me again that I make him crazy. When I said about my ex boyfriend that I never had damaged trust with him and didn’t need to ask him questions he said I am sure he is now having an (after) effect as well.

I can’t believe it, the whole conversation was horrible instead of building me up he said all these bad things. And when I said something he said: I am coming home and you come with all this garbage talking again! And I said to him: but you said on the phone of course my darling you can talk when I come tonight. And he just didn’t listen!

Now I don’t know what to believe at all anymore. Now he is saying those 4 nice days we only have because he keeps quiet at those moments. And then he can’t handle me and gets like this. But there is no way I can make him like this, his moods always change, his promises he doesn’t keep, and what he says always changes. When he gets mad he turns blind and violent. And what about the pain in his head? That’s not all because of me. Now he is talking like this but at other times he talks as if he understands me like: if you would have done to me what I did to you I would have left a long time ago. You would have been much better marrying someone from your religion they would not have abused you. Or: I am not a good guy.

I don’t get this!

[Villanelle 4,122]

Sadly it does not seem as if your husband is as interested in finding a resolution to this as you are. Its not that surprising. Being confronted with the fact you have a problem whether its emotional or physical is hard to accept. Some people would rather ignore it. (denial)Theyll waiver between times where theyll seem willing to work on it and other times where theyll completely deny theres a problem.

As much as you love your husband and want to help him, you really need to be a little selfish here and think of yourself- what you want and need and whats best for you.

So Ill repeat the 3 scenarios from above and maybe you can eliminate them and choose the best one?

Scenario one involves you abandoning your AOS and returning to Germany. It seems you want to remain in the US. So perhaps you can scratch that off the list.

That leaves you two scenarios. Leaving him and filing for VAWA, or remaining with him and working on the marriage and surrounding health issues while you await your GC

Living with a person with emotional issues or a mental illness is very difficult, especially if they are undiagnosed and not receiving treatment.

You need to determine if the situation youre in is a dangerous one. If it is, then you should not stay. You need to put your own well being above his. As for your concerns about 'prison time' and him losing his job- If he was sentenced to jail, it would be a day or two max. He would not lose his job. Domestic violence charges are not felony charges they are misdemeanors, meaning (sadly) its the same minor punishments as traffic tickets in some cases. Sure its publically humiliating for the man, but the court will take into account if the man has a medical condition that contributed to the incident. Mentally ill people are not punished the same way as common criminals but they are not given complete immunity to run amuck either.

As for the costs associated with VAWA, that is not something you should be terribly concerned about. As a VAWA applicant you would be eligible for programs to help you with that.

So again these are questions you need to answer for yourself, removing your husband from the equation and thinking only about yourself. How dangerous is the situation? Are you truly fearful for your safety? If the answer is YES then you need to leave. If the answer is no, you just are just overly stressed and having a hard time coping with his erratic moods but are not in any danger then its your choice if you want to stay and work on the relationship or not.

This is something you need to answer right now. (not here on the board, unless you choose to) but privately to yourself)

If you are a victim to abuse, know that there is a way out and get out.

If you are choosing to stay and work on things, know that that is your choice. Stay strong and be careful that if things start tipping out of your control and things get worse and you do become a victim, you can get out.

If you choose to walk away, thats fine too. Theres no shame in that. Sometimes things dont work out. You cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped.

[redflower7 0]

Hi Capri and all others,

Last night was real bad, the worst so far. He came home and said that he wants to sign up for the program of going to Mars which he read in a newspaper and leave me in 10 years, with an 8 months training. It’s like dying he says and no return home. He went on and on about this although I was getting more and more upset and reasoned with him that he would never see his kids and family. He said that is alright with him. First I thought it was a joke but it was not and he talked about sacrificing his life and having his name in a book. I couldn’t get through. He said he would do something for mankind and he expected I support him. It was a very weird conversation. He sticked with his point and I almost cried as he didn’t mind to leave me forever.

Then he suddenly said: you are sick, you are sick for being upset about this. There is nothing wrong about this. Before he said he is signing up and if I say yes he would do it right away.

He said he will anyway die at some point so what’s the problem as then we have to be separate as well. I told him there is a big difference about having no choice to leave and leaving voluntarily. Then much later in bed he said he understands me and now after I explained he said he should never have mentioned it. And apologized then lovingly took me in his arms as I was very stressed earlier, almost to the point of crying. We slept. In the middle of the night he pulled his arm away. I woke up and asked and he took my hand. I asked him: do you love me and he got mad. Your f... woman....what is wrong with you....I said that it was very hard for me to have the conversation earlier. He got very angry and strangled me for a moment and said he did nothing wrong at all. I said he apologized and he said I only did that because I hurt your feelings but I did nothing wrong. He was very mad with me. Then he moved on the other side. After turning the air conditioning on. I asked if he will leave it on. He got extremely mad again and said shut up now. Shoved me away and said that he got hot and only moved his arm away and you f... ###### must wake up and complain... My face hurt after he strangled and I said that his treatment is really unfair. He got more mad and hit his hand against the wood at the bed. Then he got up and left for sleeping in the living room and said he will come back soon.

I waited and later went there and asked if he comes back (I was really upset) ...he said no and how I mess things up and he came home only to be nice to his wife. I said no you apologized, do you remember. And he was mad at me talking and said if I take your face and twist your neck it will click and you will die, you know how close I am to killing you right now? and how much I want it? Do you know that!? I asked him to please calm down and he freaked out and looked for the knife (which I hide now). Then he took a pillow and hit it against my head. Then he took a water bottle and threw it after me. Also pushing me to the floor. And asking me to leave.

I was devastated. After a while I looked around the corner and said he can’t treat me that way anymore. I asked if I could ask him one question. He said yes. And seemed calmer. I tried to make sense and very quickly said something to him. When I just started he got extremely angry again. I said: Why are you mad? I asked if it’s ok! And he said I still shouldn’t even talk to him when he is like this. If someone has a gun people don’t go there but leave. I left and he came after me throwing me by force on the bed. I got up cried and said: stop this PLEASE! He turned around. Do you want to be killed???

Then he threw me on bed and put a pillow on my face again, and again and again. I tried talking but couldn’t. Then I turned on my belly and said I stop now. He moved away and I said that I am very hurt but you probably don’t care. He said no I don’t right now. (in this state his love always completely leaves and he has no feelings left, which comes fully back later) He also said in my face: stay here now. Do you want to be killed? I said no. So stay here!

Next morning I didn’t come out of the bedroom. He came in at 11am and lied down at my back and hugged me. I didn’t do anything. He left and did the same again at 12am. At 2pm I got up and turned the light on, he came inside and took me in his arms and said: im sorry. I said what for? and he said for hurting you. I didn’t hug him back then he left very quickly.

30 mins later he came back in, ignored me, got dressed for work and went out. I went in the living room and asked him if he is going to work already (2 hrs earlier). He said yes. I said but you know im in a very bad state, emotionally. He said yes. So you leave me like this? I don’t know what to do anyway. Well going away certainly wouldn’t help, don’t you think? You almost killed me last night! And I should have killed you, then it would be over now. What??? How can you say that??? Yes I should have killed you!

Then I sat down and he sat down too and said about breaking up and me living separately because he almost killed me and doesn’t want to make up because it will happen again and that he doesnt trust himself! I said can you not see that something is wrong with you to get like that? He said you shouldn’t come to me then it wouldn’t happen. Normal people get angry that’s why people kill each other in marriage. I tell him it happens very rarely and it’s not normal and usually happens because of big problems like adultery and that I don’t do anything like that. He says that he can’t give me the love I need and fails to meet my needs and that i deserve a better man. And that when I say something he doesn’t like he gets like this. Then I cried and then he cried also. Then he got nicer and nicer and took me into his arms. And he cries on and off all the time. Then cries very much and says he loves me so very much and is so worried about my safety. And when he is like this he would never hurt me. But when he gets angry his love is gone and he is out of control. He would have killed me and only stopped with the pillow because I said I stop. Then I asked: So you don’t wish you would have killed me. Of course not. I don’t know which part of my brain said that.

He also said he has a headache, pain and a cloud in his brain with a tight feeling right now.

I say that I want to make an appointment now before we get health insurance. First he said yes then no and then he said do whatever you want now I’m not going to argue about this. And I said again that it is vital we go as soon as possible at least to have the initial consultation already. He left and said he goes to doctor first and then if he says it’s serious/dangerous then we have to live separately. He later send a message saying: "My apology will not be enough for my behaviour, I just want you to know I love you very much."

I then called the Mount Sinai and University hospital. Both said that it will take 4 weeks to see a psychiatrist. And then gave me the number of the FL Psychiatric Society Association. I called there and explained everything. The woman gave me the number of three good local psychiatrists. It was already past 5 so I couldn’t reach them. Now I hope that I will be able to call there tomorrow and get him a quick appointment on Monday! I really, really hope that!

What worries me is that he might be tonight different again saying he doesn’t need a doctor we just don’t understand each others needs etc.... He always changes when his thinking changes...

In Florida Domestic Violence is handled extremely seriously. Strangling is now a 3 grad felony and would cost him up to 5 years in prison. http://belainejoneslaw.com/florida-felony-domestic-violence-battery/

And look at this!!! (unbelievable):

http://montronelaw.wordpress.com/2010/01/29/domestic-battery-in-florida-its-not-like-every-other-crime/

I don’t want this for sure. The woman from the Mount Sinai said if I call the police and tell them that I believe he is mentally ill, they will not put him in prison but admit him into the mental ward for up to 72 hours. I hope that is true but I’m sure he would still loose his job and I have no one else here and we have no money then and a huge medical bill! The only thing he is willing to do in the moment is seeing a doctor. Although 2 days ago he said again that his brain is alright and that it’s all me and I would make anyone crazy. But I had 5 boyfriends in my life and this never happened to me! The doctor I want to go to with him has on Fridays emergency appointments only, so I hope he will pick the phone up tomorrow morning, so that I can at least make an appointment!

Regarding the VAWA our paralegal who submitted my forms to immigration written to me:

“In connection to your question, these type of cases are not so easy to get approved. By this, I am not stating that it is impossible, yet you need to have compelling evidence should you want you case to be approved. The type of documentation is usually in the form of photographs of abuse, affidavits, police reports, witness affidavits and so on. All these elements must be part of your story, and the documentation must be thorough. Yes, it may be done, but you must prove your case, and if the documentation of events is extensive - even better.” That sounds very difficult to get this all together and would mean I have to call police and have photos. And then he will be 5 years in prison as he out the pillow on my face.

[Jahwaree 83]

Some ppl are professional abusers and manipulators while some have genuine medical probs like

bipolar,schitzo,tumor on brain, harmone probs causing mood swings etc. No one here knows whats this man problems

he had only one woman who he probably looked on as a mother, or could control throughout the marriage, did he treat her

well while she was dying? no one knows, he just tells new wife the last yrs were not good, OP husband is a USC take him to the

nearest public hospital when he's having a meltdown, call the ambulance they'll see his behavior and document the facts,

If he's genuinely ill do not walk away from him try to be of help in him getting medical care...best wishes

[TBoneTX 45,312]

Holy mackerel. I agree with getting him to a public hospital. During a meltdown, perhaps call for an ambulance and let the medical personnel deal with him.

This aside, you must protect yourself first.

[Villanelle 4,122]

Redflower- based on your recent post its clear you are in physical danger. You need to take steps to rectify the situation. While its nice you have concerns about possible criminal charges or future financial burdens, they should not be playing any role in your decision to remove yourself from harms way.

If you are unwilling or unable to accept that and you are going to put his needs above yours- then theres nothing anyone can do for you.

The woman you spoke to from Mt Sinai is correct. As I posted before the mentally ill are handled differently in the criminal justice system. They are not subject to the same punishments as common offenders but they are not given immunity either.

If you need to call the police- what you say matters, both on the phone and when they arrive. You would explain your spouse is suffering from a violent psychotic break. That hes not under the care of a Dr because youve been struggling to afford ins, but he has been complaining of issues with 'brain fog' and personality disorders. You would tell them hes currently violent and you fear for your safety. You need them to come along with a medical unit and take him to a medical ward for treatment and observation. (typically they wont push you for any further details over the phone about what exactly the violence was- you can be vague and just say hes freaking out please send a unit and an ambulance)

this ^ is very different then calling the police in a DV situation and reporting my husband is strangling me- please come and arrest him. When the police arrive you can choose how much or how little of the actual violence you wish to disclose to them. If you choose to leave out the part about strangling and suffocation with the pillow- thats your choice. However if you choose to under-report the violence and you do ultimately need to file for VAWA you wont have sufficient evidence. So I would only suggest under reporting (and I am very hesitant in even doing so) if you are sure that you are committed to staying with your husband and he is committed to getting treatment and you are looking for the least amount of legal ramifications.

[Caryh 5,206]

This is excellent advice Redflower, I really hope you take it. Its obvious you care about your husband, but he needs help and now. Don't put your life at risk waiting.

Redflower- based on your recent post its clear you are in physical danger. You need to take steps to rectify the situation. While its nice you have concerns about possible criminal charges or future financial burdens, they should not be playing any role in your decision to remove yourself from harms way.

If you are unwilling or unable to accept that and you are going to put his needs above yours- then theres nothing anyone can do for you.

The woman you spoke to from Mt Sinai is correct. As I posted before the mentally ill are handled differently in the criminal justice system. They are not subject to the same punishments as common offenders but they are not given immunity either.

If you need to call the police- what you say matters, both on the phone and when they arrive. You would explain your spouse is suffering from a violent psychotic break. That hes not under the care of a Dr because youve been struggling to afford ins, but he has been complaining of issues with 'brain fog' and personality disorders. You would tell them hes currently violent and you fear for your safety. You need them to come along with a medical unit and take him to a medical ward for treatment and observation. (typically they wont push you for any further details over the phone about what exactly the violence was- you can be vague and just say hes freaking out please send a unit and an ambulance)

this ^ is very different then calling the police in a DV situation and reporting my husband is strangling me- please come and arrest him. When the police arrive you can choose how much or how little of the actual violence you wish to disclose to them. If you choose to leave out the part about strangling and suffocation with the pillow- thats your choice. However if you choose to under-report the violence and you do ultimately need to file for VAWA you wont have sufficient evidence. So I would only suggest under reporting (and I am very hesitant in even doing so) if you are sure that you are committed to staying with your husband and he is committed to getting treatment and you are looking for the least amount of legal ramifications.

[TBoneTX 45,312]

Capri deserves a +100,000 for the post just above, si man.

[Darnell 8,478]

during the day, call the psychiatric sherrif's office in your county

and ask to speak with the officer on duty.

you may not get the right person on the first call, but they will call you back.

Ask the officer about low-cost or cut-rate diagnostic facilities for people with low-income.

Do keep in mind that usually the psychiatric sherrif's office gets involved with these types of abuse cases, and will take someone away for further evaluation. If I'm reading you correctly (apologies if I am not) - you do not want your husband locked up for 3 weeks for a psych evaluation at this point. So tread lightly with that phone call - only reiterate that you are looking for information and possible referrals- you do NOT want a site visit by a psychiatric sherrif's officer at all.

IMO, he does have some problems, and only a proper diagnostic will find out what's wrong with him. You love him when he's not displaying that other behavior, when he's not having an episode - I suggest that you give it a try, as treatment very well may not be showing immediate results.

I think it makes sense, also, for you to live elsewhere for a few weeks or a month, but you need to make some deal with your husband so that he seeks immediate help, diagnosis, and treatment whilst you are not in the house. Although there is a monetary component to this, MOST places will work out a payment plan, so you not have to pay 100 percent up front. You won't know until you (or him) talk with the accounting clerk - most are willing to work out a payment plan.

We have a thing with phone books here in the USA - suggest you get a white business pages and yellow pages phone book tomorrow - and look up psychiatrists in the yellow pages. If you're not working, you can certainly call around and get some input.

Ages past, I had a similar issue with my mother, and I took off for two days, calling around, talking with office staff and psychiatrists (some of them answer their own phone or return phone calls) and finally found the right facility for my mom. It was a painful process, to be sure, but I really wanted the psychiatric sherrif's office to not have some reason to come get her (or rather, find out about her and take her away, as she was really going off) . Bear in mind that you can also ask for references to other county-based, almost free services when you call these places.

In the end, for you - I am hoping that his condition (whatever it is) is either something medical (requiring some surgery) or psychiatric (requiring daily medication). Bear in mind that even with surgery or treatment, in the end, you will be the one that he will rely on the most and it's imperative that you decide to remain with him (for anything long term to work out). If you feel this is too overwhelming, short term or long term, then you should contemplate the VAWA route.

Good Luck, whatever you decide..

Edited January 12, 2013 by Darnell