Just filed for Greencard, now domestic violence and mentally ill husband!

[redflower7 0]

Sorry i wanted to edit my last reply and then it stopped working. Here is the full version:

Sorry had lots of stress again with his changes. Almost cannot cope with him anymore. He was nice, patient, understanding and loving for 4 days, nothing could irritate him. And then at a small thing yesterday (because I wasnt patient- but I disagree) he changed, got angry and said about taking his ring off and then he said the marriage isnt working and all kinds of horrible things. He went 30 mins to sleep and said that we talk afterwards. Before the sleep he said what he did was wrong and took it back. When he got up he said that he cannot talk, he feels he doesnt have it in his brain. But then he tried 5 mins before going to work 20 mins later and said he is in pain but tried. But then he started to say all these bad things again, being very negative about us, not keeping to our agrrements, and then he said he doesnt want the marriage. I said that he usually talks differently and he said: with this brain I dont want the marriage. You should have waited until tonight I probably talk different then again.

Still last night he said very bad things when he came home, like he will never send me text messages with I love you from work again and he couldnt see why woman feel loved getting messages (that didnt make any sense as he has been doing this ever since i met him). This morning he changed again, now he understands absolutely everything again. Is fine again with our old plan to work on the marriage, has hope again, his desire and love is fully back again and he told me that his brain is clear and I can talk with him for hours if I want to (although i dont think that would be possible). He still only sometimes believes there is mentally something wrong with him.

He is still willing to see a doctor.

But my trust in him is really 100% gone. Because he said so many bad things (which still go around in my head.) He wants me to forget about them and is very cheerful, but I cannot! The therapist friend from england told me he will keep on changing back and forward and i should expect this but i cannot cope with this. Right now he is all over me saying he loves me more then anyone else. I cried and he cried also. But im not feeling well myself now.

The problem is he needs an individual insurance (not through the employer). The guy he purchased life insurance from told us today that no health insurance provider in America offers any coverage anymore for mental health for individuals (just through employment)!!! I called Aetna and Blue Shield/Blue Cross and they confirmed that to me!

Now that means that we have to pay that ourselves! The comprehensive evaluation (neuropsychological test) offered by the University Clinic of Miami is 5000 and not covered by any insurance company. To see a psychiatrist there is 450 to 850!!! It would just be for 1 hour! Is that enough time to even find his condition???

I dont know what else to do. The guy from blue shield suggested to somehow get PCIP Insurance which would cover some of it.

Edited January 8, 2013 by redflower7

[Sandra G. 5,048]

I understand you are trying to help your husband, but your safety must come first. There are some mental illness that impose risk to other people's lives such as "Antisocial Personality Disorder" also known as a psychopath, and schizophrenia, besides these mental illness there is the category of abuse, inflicted by "abusers".I am not sure and I am qualified to tell you which category your husband fits then you need to find a psychiatrist to diagnose him, if he refuses to go then walk away from him, you deserve better.

Edited January 8, 2013 by sandranj

[Villanelle 4,122]

^ I dont believe that is true. I have recently shopped for quotes for insurance for my husband and have found many policies in my state that did have mental health included in the plan (perhaps in your state however it is excluded?)

Try this site -

http://www.healthcare.gov/

Start with the box in the top left corner by entering your state- Tip, you would select healthy individual, with no pre-existing condition. A pre-existing condition in health ins terms is something like cancer or heart disease. Scrolling through the plans is a long and tedious process. You may want to try opening each plan in a 'new tab' rather then constantly hitting the back arrow and trying to find your place again.

When you open each plan to view more details about it, it will show you if the plan covers additional services like maternity care or mental health services. It will also show things like deductibles and co-pays and caps on services.

If you CAN NOT find any plans or if for some reason there are no insurances that cover mental health services in your area, or they do but you find they are too expensive, there are other options.

You can try googling free therapy along with the county name where you live or some other variation. Free mental health clinic xxx county, or whatever is the largest city name closest to you. You should note the service may not be free but rather would be provided at a discounted rate depending on your income. If your income is too great they may charge you full rate or decline treatment and refer you to another provider.

Also if you can not find anything on google every city in the US has a basic help phone number. Its 211. An operator will answer and direct you to whatever service you need. You can also access the 211 directory online by simply typing 211 into your browser and it will automatically detect your location, or ask you to enter you zip code and pull up the directory for your area. You can find a list of counseling centers on there as well.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

I just showed your posts to my best friend, she is psychiatrist and works in the Department of Psychiatry of the Mount Sinai Medical Center, she said without speaking with the patient she cannot diagnose of course, but considering the symptoms you described he may have "schizoaffective disorder", it's not schizophrenia ok,it's different.I never heard about schizoaffective disorder before. She said people with schizoaffective disorder have the pattern to sleep very little or a lot,mental cloudiness,severe changes in mood,disorganized thinking,agitation,odd or unusual behavior,guilt or self blame etc. She said is not uncommon for a psychiatrist misdiagnose schizoaffective disorder.

Edited January 8, 2013 by sandranj

[redflower7 0]

Hi Capri,

I will answer all your questions from both of your posts.

He has been in this job since February 2012. I met him in March and worked in his restaurant. I had to decide on marrying him quickly because of some personal religious reasons.

Before his job he worked for 11 years at a 5 star hotel. And he said he worked even 90 hours a week. He has been with his wife since he was 16 until she died when he was 46. The last 10 years were very bad. I know she controlled him and told him he can’t do certain things, even with the kids she was in control. She hit him on the head with a book in a hospital in front of 10 people because she was offended. She threatened him with a baseball cab. She was always jealous and not believing he loved her and saying he is with other woman. He desperately tried to proof the opposite. In 2001 she asked him to decide between him and the mother to proof that he loved her, he said he can’t do that. So she divorced him believing he does not love her! Still they had contact. In 2005 she got cancer and got worse and worse, they did lots of chemo and drugs. She died 2008.

Yes he said 3 years ago he had for 1 month a cloud in his head and couldn’t concentrate well and was always depressed because of that feeling. He went to a neurologist who made a very good scan, called Pet I think, he said the better one. But they didn’t find anything. Then he said he periodically had the cloud in his brain back.

He works 60 hours a week. I am fed up with it extremely! He never has a holiday or public holiday (only 1 day each week off) but he said its normal like this and he only knows it like this to never have any public holidays etc.

We don’t live in the same residence as he lived with his former spouse. His kids are 24 and 28 and still don’t want to meet me as they are mad he married again.

Regarding how his behavior is anywhere else: A hostess told me that she saw him getting mad one time with a customer. And he was to her she told me grabbing staff out of her hand and asking her to go the f… home, she was shacking. He is also running away in the middle of the conversation with her. She talks a very short time and if it’s a couple of seconds longer he just runs away. She believes he has ADS like her but I don’t think so. (he told me today that when what I say gets too much for him that this is why he gets up and does other things!)

He almost hit the guy upstairs who makes noise. He went really nicely and calmly upstairs and was very kind to him (he keeps on playing loud bass) then the guy calmly said that he should not harass him and he switched and said he will have his a... kicked and go to court, and tape him, and than was continually swearing and saying to him bad words, and that he will smash his face so he better behaves. I am sure he would hit him as well; he was actually worried to go upstairs, worried to loose it.

He said he hit his wife 1 time in 1992 because she was in his face but never hit her or anyone again. I think she hit him too and he hit back not sure. But no he is telling me he is only like this with me. That’s why he very often things it’s me making him like this. The only other thing he mentioned is that he has always been impatient when people don’t get things quickly.

[survivor2012 7]

Is there any free health center around? Where are you living in? There will always be some type of free clinic around. The wait will be long, but they are free.

[redflower7 0]

Is there any free health center around? Where are you living in? There will always be some type of free clinic around. The wait will be long, but they are free.

I dont know how to find this. I live in Miami. I haven not been long in this country. There are free mental health clinics?

[redflower7 0]

^ I dont believe that is true. I have recently shopped for quotes for insurance for my husband and have found many policies in my state that did have mental health included in the plan (perhaps in your state however it is excluded?)

Try this site -

http://www.healthcare.gov/

Start with the box in the top left corner by entering your state- Tip, you would select healthy individual, with no pre-existing condition. A pre-existing condition in health ins terms is something like cancer or heart disease. Scrolling through the plans is a long and tedious process. You may want to try opening each plan in a 'new tab' rather then constantly hitting the back arrow and trying to find your place again.

When you open each plan to view more details about it, it will show you if the plan covers additional services like maternity care or mental health services. It will also show things like deductibles and co-pays and caps on services.

If you CAN NOT find any plans or if for some reason there are no insurances that cover mental health services in your area, or they do but you find they are too expensive, there are other options.

You can try googling free therapy along with the county name where you live or some other variation. Free mental health clinic xxx county, or whatever is the largest city name closest to you. You should note the service may not be free but rather would be provided at a discounted rate depending on your income. If your income is too great they may charge you full rate or decline treatment and refer you to another provider.

Also if you can not find anything on google every city in the US has a basic help phone number. Its 211. An operator will answer and direct you to whatever service you need. You can also access the 211 directory online by simply typing 211 into your browser and it will automatically detect your location, or ask you to enter you zip code and pull up the directory for your area. You can find a list of counseling centers on there as well.

Hi,

Thank you i have been on this side. I live in Florida. I have been calling Aetna and Blue Shield/Blue Cross both said they dont cover mental health at all for individuals. I looked on this side and i dont want to buy something i dont understand, there seemed to be some blue shield plans which showed some coverage for mental outpatients but it does not make sense as i talked with them today. The guy was very helpful and sorry for my situation and then advised me to go for the government PCIP plan pre existing condition plan as this is the only was he said. But i dont know if there is a way we can get this.

I live in Miami so i have to google free mental health clinic Miami?

[survivor2012 7]

http://www.vidaamericana.com/miami_guide/miamihealth.html

Here copy and paste this link. There are plenty. You're in a big city, the resource is much more than other smaller cities.

[redflower7 0]

http://www.vidaamericana.com/miami_guide/miamihealth.html

Here copy and paste this link. There are plenty. You're in a big city, the resource is much more than other smaller cities.

But his income is middle class so it would be too much to receive this treatment?, well probably nobody would ask about our expenses. We just need a good psychiatrist. Or much better a comprehensive evaluation. Not just seeing one for an hour and paying up to 800 Dollar. It seems that is the only option there is to see for 1 hour a psychiatrist. I am just worried that the one i choose is not a good one or that he wont find the problem in that very short period of time!

[Villanelle 4,122]

Redflower- this is your thread, so you can discuss any aspect you like, however since this is VJ and not a mental health site, youre not going to find many users qualified or knowledgeable on the topic, rather just a tight knit group of users who are concerned for your safety and will try to advise you the best they can...

To get back more to the immigration aspect of things. You have to realize what VAWA is and what it isnt and what the K1 process/AOS is and the USCISs policy on marriages that just 'dont work out'.

The sad fact is sometimes marriages just dont work out. It happens all the time regardless of if immigration is involved or not. People get married and then discover the person they married isnt who they thought. It sucks. It sucks more if you relocated half way around the world for that person. But immigration has no clause or waiver for those situations. They take the attitude of tough luck. You should have known the person better before getting married. When you come on the K1 visa you need to get married with in 90 days. You then file for AOS. Once the conditional 2 year GC is issued (which can take anywhere from as little to 4 months to a year) if the marriage doesnt work out and the couple is divorced prior to the removal of conditions, the immigrant can file to remove the conditions on their own by demonstrating the marriage was entered into in good faith. Proof of that would be showing you lived jointly with your spouse the entire time you were married, you co mingled finances and assets, pictures and affidavits from people who knew you as a couple.

In certain situations the immigrant will arrive to the US and become a victim to abuse. Sometimes the US citizen will refuse to file AOS for thee immigrant. Or the abuse is severe and its cruel and unsafe for the immigrant to remain with the USC, so the immigrant needs to leave the home. Thats why VAWA exists. People who were subject to that are not punished. They still have the chance to file on their own w/o the support of the USC. Its not their fault their home is unsafe and they need to leave.

So you understand the difference? If you just misjudged your future spouse and they turned out to be a jerk, well then youre out of luck. You cant leave the home and file for AOS on your own. You can either work on the relationship with your partner, obtain your AOS and if after a while its still not working, divorce and remove conditions on your own if need be.

But if your new home is putting you in immediate danger then you DO NOT have to stay there. You can leave and file VAWA.

For VAWA specific things in your situation. To file a physical abuse VAWA claim- You would have to contact the police. You would have to obtain a restraining order. This most likely would involve domestic violence charges being brought against your husband. It could mean jail time for him (maybe a few days- I dont know where you live, but you could google laws in your state to find out punishments) it could mean court mandated counselling. The restraining order would mean you would not be able to have ANY contact with your husband. That means he would not be able to pay for your apartment as you posed in your initial post. Even if you wanted to have contact with him, it would not be allowed. Any contact you would have, even if you initiated it, or said it was okay would cause him to be immediately hauled off to jail, no questions asked. Restraining orders in the US are non negotiable. Until they are lifted by a judge, they dont want to hear any excuses.

To file a mental abuse VAWA claim you would have to seek out a psychologist and obtain the necessary exams and documentation for your claim.

In either case you would have to cut off all contact with your husband. I suppose if he wanted to help you financially, he could give you a lump sum of cash prior to you leaving the home (?) but after that you will be on your own.

Honestly, Ive never really heard of VAWA case where the abuser was I dont really know how to phrase this... willing and helpful to their victim?

But ultimately the decision is up to you. Do you feel you are in a VAWA situation? Do you feel you are in danger in the home?

I mean theres 3 scenarios as I see it. Others may disagree and I would urge them to chime in and post other opinions as they see fit.

1. You realize the man you married is not who you thought. Youre unhappy and want out, but the situation is not so bad that you would qualify for VAWA. You have no choice but to abandon your AOS and return to Germany.

2. The situation does qualify for VAWA. You are in danger and need to get out. Pack your bags and join the VAWA discussion thread for help with filing.

3. Youre struggling through a difficult time in your marriage but you want to stick it out and try to make the marriage work. Seek help for your husband as well as couples counseling. Obtain your GC and if the marriage fails afterwards, then it fails.

[Villanelle 4,122]

If you live in FL you can try

Cigna Health

http://www.cigna.com/individualsandfamilies/health-insurance-plans-florida

Or

Celtic

http://www.celtic-net.com/

They both offer mental health as part of their ins plan.

The higher your monthtly premium is the less your co-pay/deductible is.

If you go to a free clinic they base their rates on a sliding scale. They take into account your family size and expenses to determine how much to charge.

Also you keep obsessing on how much the initial office visit will be. You need to get over that and look at the big picture. His condition is not something that is going to be fixed in one visit. He may get a diagnosis in the first visit but you can anticipate him having to go back for weekly sessions with a therapist along with one if not several prescriptions.

You need to find an ins plan that is going to be affordable long term. Look for something that you can afford to pay the drs visit co-pay on a weekly basis and the premium monthly. Check the prescriptions co-pays and deductibles as well.

[redflower7 0]

Redflower- this is your thread, so you can discuss any aspect you like, however since this is VJ and not a mental health site, youre not going to find many users qualified or knowledgeable on the topic, rather just a tight knit group of users who are concerned for your safety and will try to advise you the best they can...

To get back more to the immigration aspect of things. You have to realize what VAWA is and what it isnt and what the K1 process/AOS is and the USCISs policy on marriages that just 'dont work out'.

The sad fact is sometimes marriages just dont work out. It happens all the time regardless of if immigration is involved or not. People get married and then discover the person they married isnt who they thought. It sucks. It sucks more if you relocated half way around the world for that person. But immigration has no clause or waiver for those situations. They take the attitude of tough luck. You should have known the person better before getting married. When you come on the K1 visa you need to get married with in 90 days. You then file for AOS. Once the conditional 2 year GC is issued (which can take anywhere from as little to 4 months to a year) if the marriage doesnt work out and the couple is divorced prior to the removal of conditions, the immigrant can file to remove the conditions on their own by demonstrating the marriage was entered into in good faith. Proof of that would be showing you lived jointly with your spouse the entire time you were married, you co mingled finances and assets, pictures and affidavits from people who knew you as a couple.

In certain situations the immigrant will arrive to the US and become a victim to abuse. Sometimes the US citizen will refuse to file AOS for thee immigrant. Or the abuse is severe and its cruel and unsafe for the immigrant to remain with the USC, so the immigrant needs to leave the home. Thats why VAWA exists. People who were subject to that are not punished. They still have the chance to file on their own w/o the support of the USC. Its not their fault their home is unsafe and they need to leave.

So you understand the difference? If you just misjudged your future spouse and they turned out to be a jerk, well then youre out of luck. You cant leave the home and file for AOS on your own. You can either work on the relationship with your partner, obtain your AOS and if after a while its still not working, divorce and remove conditions on your own if need be.

But if your new home is putting you in immediate danger then you DO NOT have to stay there. You can leave and file VAWA.

For VAWA specific things in your situation. To file a physical abuse VAWA claim- You would have to contact the police. You would have to obtain a restraining order. This most likely would involve domestic violence charges being brought against your husband. It could mean jail time for him (maybe a few days- I dont know where you live, but you could google laws in your state to find out punishments) it could mean court mandated counselling. The restraining order would mean you would not be able to have ANY contact with your husband. That means he would not be able to pay for your apartment as you posed in your initial post. Even if you wanted to have contact with him, it would not be allowed. Any contact you would have, even if you initiated it, or said it was okay would cause him to be immediately hauled off to jail, no questions asked. Restraining orders in the US are non negotiable. Until they are lifted by a judge, they dont want to hear any excuses.

To file a mental abuse VAWA claim you would have to seek out a psychologist and obtain the necessary exams and documentation for your claim.

In either case you would have to cut off all contact with your husband. I suppose if he wanted to help you financially, he could give you a lump sum of cash prior to you leaving the home (?) but after that you will be on your own.

Honestly, Ive never really heard of VAWA case where the abuser was I dont really know how to phrase this... willing and helpful to their victim?

But ultimately the decision is up to you. Do you feel you are in a VAWA situation? Do you feel you are in danger in the home?

I mean theres 3 scenarios as I see it. Others may disagree and I would urge them to chime in and post other opinions as they see fit.

1. You realize the man you married is not who you thought. Youre unhappy and want out, but the situation is not so bad that you would qualify for VAWA. You have no choice but to abandon your AOS and return to Germany.

2. The situation does qualify for VAWA. You are in danger and need to get out. Pack your bags and join the VAWA discussion thread for help with filing.

3. Youre struggling through a difficult time in your marriage but you want to stick it out and try to make the marriage work. Seek help for your husband as well as couples counseling. Obtain your GC and if the marriage fails afterwards, then it fails.

Hi Capri,

Thank you for helping me!

I arrived here in February on a J1 Visa. I had a very hard time as the company was abusing me and the visa. I lost my place to live and then went back to the hotel. Then my father committed suicide, 2 weeks after I arrived. The company called the agency which published my visa (behind my back) and cancelled my visa with the excuse it is best for me to return home!!! And that just before i wanted to call the worked exploitation hotline. I went to a lawyer who helped me a lot and wanted to get permission to stay on humanitarian grounds. Then I had a job at a restaurant. There he works as a manager. He liked me a lot and told me he is looking for another wife as now after 4 years he feels ready for it again (little did I know!). He really was after me, I said 3 times no as I wanted someone from my religion but then I also fell in love with him as he did not give up on me. We married and then this problem became more and more clear.

We filed for a marriage based green card on the 20 December. The paralegal who did this for us said it will take about 4-6 months to get the temporary one, then another 2,9 years to get the permanent one. As we haven’t even heard from them yet I was wondering what the options are to just live separately but not divorce until he gets medical treatment, and I know what’s wrong with him. He wants me to live separately and then just see each other as he is worried he could kill me in one of those moments when he gets very angry again as he can’t control it. He is still struggling to admit its him having a mental problem which i can understand. It is hard for me to stay away from him. As there is always a time when he becomes suddenly different, irritated and rude then he says things which I want to put right. When I try he doesn’t take them on, then he gets angry because he sees me in a bad way. (but I am quiet, I can’t even get angry or rude or swear or lie because of my religion and I don’t). Still he sees something and gets offended and angry. If I although he said wrong things try as he already hurt me to put these things right and talk very nicely to him he just gets worse and worse. He says more bad things like I don’t love you anymore, I can’t feel anything for you: and then I said I am very badly hurt he says he doesn’t care (at those moments, he said later, he is blind and cannot feel any compassion, he doesn’t care about anybody at that moment). He said he would say the opposite of everything I say. There is no way to calm him down. No way !!!

He tries all he can to quickly shut me up and then uses slapping, knife etc and threats of violence. I get more and more emotionally hurt and desperate and try to reason with him which does not work!

This is exactly what happens.

[redflower7 0]

If you live in FL you can try

Cigna Health

http://www.cigna.com/individualsandfamilies/health-insurance-plans-florida

Or

Celtic

http://www.celtic-net.com/

They both offer mental health as part of their ins plan.

The higher your monthtly premium is the less your co-pay/deductible is.

If you go to a free clinic they base their rates on a sliding scale. They take into account your family size and expenses to determine how much to charge.

Also you keep obsessing on how much the initial office visit will be. You need to get over that and look at the big picture. His condition is not something that is going to be fixed in one visit. He may get a diagnosis in the first visit but you can anticipate him having to go back for weekly sessions with a therapist along with one if not several prescriptions.

You need to find an ins plan that is going to be affordable long term. Look for something that you can afford to pay the drs visit co-pay on a weekly basis and the premium monthly. Check the prescriptions co-pays and deductibles as well.

I checked both the websites and couldnt see their plans and which one is offering mental health. I dont understand about finding a long term affordable plan. I dont understand what copay and premium monthly and deductible all is. You are right about long term help but i have no idea how to do it.

[Villanelle 4,122]

We filed for a marriage based green card on the 20 December. The paralegal who did this for us said it will take about 4-6 months to get the temporary one, then another 2,9 years to get the permanent one. As we haven’t even heard from them yet I was wondering what the options are to just live separately but not divorce until he gets medical treatment

I dont really know too much about J1 visas.

But if you were married and applied for AOS (your conditional GC) in Dec or as the paralegal called it the 'temporary one', it could take anywhere from 4 months to 1 year to receive it depending on how fast your case get processed. Once your conditional GC is issued it is valid for 2 years. Like I mentioned before if you divorce prior to the 2 year expiration you can file to remove the conditions on your own, if you dont, then 90 days prior to the expiration, you and your spouse file jointly to remove the conditions and you receive what your paralegal called the 'permanent card' the 10 year GC.

Technically both cards are valid Greencards. I dont know why the paralegal would use words like temporary and permanent when explaining it.

And as I posted waaay back in the thread, your only option for living separately during the AOS process with out damaging your petition would be to temporarily and discretely stay at a hotel. If you move from the home and obtain a new residence apart from your husband in the eyes of USCIS you no longer have a bonafide marriage and no basis for AOS.