Just filed for Greencard, now domestic violence and mentally ill husband!

[redflower7 0]

Hi,

We married in August. We filed for Conditional Permanent Residence in December. We had problems right from the beginning, but it became more and more clear to me that my husband has a mental problem. I believe now that he is mentally ill. He was married for 30 years before, she died of cancer 4 years ago. Their marriage was towards the last 10 years real bad and i heard she was bad to him and controlling. He only ever had 1 woman in his life.

In general he is very nice and trying to do everything for me. He tells me a couple of times each day that he loves me, hugs and kisses me.

But then around every 2 days, out of the blue, there is a moment when I say something he doesn’t like, and he gets upset and quickly angry.

When he is upset I cannot reason with him, he is not rational and blames me for everything. He says: im a bad woman, harass him, treat him bad, and make his life miserable. I always tried to calmly and nicely speak to him but it never worked, he doesn’t believe me anything at all and gets more and more angry. He seems sure about what he thinks (which is the total opposite of what he usually thinks!). If I stay with him he gets more and more rude, saying things like: the biggest mistake was to marry you, (recently even: I don’t love you anymore go to bed and leave me alone), you can pack and leave, we don’t move out anymore, we don’t move oversees anymore (my dream), he wont come ever with me to church again, he will never talk and discuss things again, he also swears and he used to say he is going to courthouse and divorcing. If I stay in his way and don’t let him leave (because I am devastated by what he already said) he used to throw things on the floor and threatened to hit me because I didn’t go out of his way.

When he calms down he always completely changes his thinking again, his love returns, he is wonderful again, he says he loves me more then anyone else again. He now said that when he gets angry he turns blind and doesn’t know me anymore and while angry his love and compassion completely goes away. Afterwards the love comes fully back when he calms down. I also can never have a long conversation just short ones. It looks he cannot cope with that. When a visitor comes I can see that after 20 mins his eyes get heavy and often after talking to me for 30 mins he needs to go back to sleep. If I talk longer he gets angry and mad and says nasty things. He mentioned a couple of times that his brain is full and sometimes about a stinging pain in his head. I also noticed that he often is unable to keep to agreements and promises, as it depends on his mood, and his whole thinking is always different according to his mood. I am not able to even watch 1 DVD film with him as he get visibly tired after about 20 mins, I can see that. Then he constantly fights with falling asleep. He does work 60 hours each week as a restaurant manager although I don’t think that could do all of that.

Unfortunately he recently became violent! It happened already 5 times. A couple of weeks ago he slapped me for the first time. Days later he slapped my back & threatened with a belt: if you don’t shut up I kill you.

Then it was more severe. He hit me with wooden spoon on my leg and I had a blue mark, afterwards kicked me in my bum, kicked when I was sitting with him and then took a long pillow and hit me against my head. He was very sorry and said he didn’t use full power, still he said its bad so he wanted to report himself to the police and it took me half an hour to stop him from turning himself in! Since then he slapped me on 2 more occasions and now twice used a knife and threatened me to not say anything or he kills me. He also said: I smash your head against the wall if you don’t shut up.

He now cried and said to me that he loves me very much and wants me to be safe and that he doesn’t have control over himself at those moments and is very worried he could do more harm and kill me.

Like I said I am very sure he has a mental problem as he changes what he says constantly and is up and down. Also since 3 years (so even before he met me) he sometimes has like a cloud in his brain, spinning in his head and already had a brain scan back then but they didn’t find anything.

My trust is totally gone in him. When he comes home he can be wonderful or the opposite: he gets upset about something small and then violent if I say something!

He said to me he wants to help me at least to get my greencard after all this trouble and that he wants to tell immigration and the police that I was very attached always hoping for a change but that it is better if we live separately just for safety. He said he definitely wants to pay me my own apartment and he is sure I still get my conditional residency as none of this is my fault!

So now my situation is the following: I love this man , but im also worried about my safety , I have no money and no job yet as I am waiting for my work permit, I want to live separately until he sees a psychiatrist and we find out what is wrong with him and he gets medication.

But I don’t know what to do now? We just filed in December I haven’t heard from them yet.

I heard about something like WAVA but that it has stopped!? I know he is just mentally ill and I want no permanent divorce yet, I just want to live separately, I also don’t want him to really sit in jail. But I want him to get medical help. At this very moment he is willing to see a psychiatrist just because I want him to. But that might change again tomorrow. What could I do in my situation??? I don’t know what condition he has. I am in touch with a very close friend from England a 70 year old Psychotherapist PhD who is convinced he is mentally ill.

Should we contact immigration and tell them about our big problem? I definitely don’t want to go back to Germany right now, I am worried they send me back. I want to live separately and still see him and help him with the doctor. But would I still get my conditional greencard to be able to stay here? On Monday he will sign up for health insurance and life insurance. Then I will make an appointment for him. But he is very, very unpredictable and can be very horrible to me. I am scared every day and hide the knifes. But only when he is angry and then he is also emotionally abusive and cruel. (By the way he also now threatened the neighbor upstairs because he doesnt turn down his music and we had much trouble with him, but he shouldnt have said to him that he will take him to court and when he came down he said be sure I smash your face if you dont stop, and was swearing).

Edited January 6, 2013 by redflower7

[indiana_sweetie 120]

I hope he will see a doctor as soon as the medical insurance is in effect. I'm not a doctor but sounds like a medical problem and not something he can control. It concerns me that he cannot concentrate. Something is going on in there!! I hope for the both of you that treatment will help.

[innah 1]

awww sis, scary , my fiance is moody too, like " there is a moment when I say something he doesn’t like, and he gets upset and quickly angry. When he is upset I cannot reason with him, he is not rational and blames me for everything."

[RCKM 0]

Hello! Im sorry about your situation. But i guess its better that your husband needs to seek a medical consultation asap.If you wont do anything you will suffer. It will be a routine or cycle like what you said sometimes he is being violent to you then became sweet. It is probably obvious that he has a problem. And he can even be more violent than slapping. Dont wait for the time that you can longer escape. You do something as soon as possible, because a mentally ill person can kill a person.be sure that you and your family is safe from him, as much as possible stay away from him until he will be able to receive a treatment. Take care

[redflower7 0]

Thank you. I just hope that seeing a psychiatrist for 1 hour is enough for them to find out what his problem is. I might not even be able to get with him into the room and he will put on a nice face and likely not explain everything. I wish we would be in Germany were the healthcare is free and were he could receive thorough examinations and were we could see multiple doctors: neurologist, psychiatrist and psychologist. I am new in this country and I had the task of finding someone here in Miami where I think would be the best for him to go. I know he would only go 1 time. But how do I know which doctor is good and how to find them. So I thought a psychiatrist is probably the best option!? Then I couldn’t find many at all online. And the few there are have bad and good reviews and very confusing. Some people just get some medication and some told me they are nuts themselves. The problem is I know he would only go one time so if the doctor couldn’t find anything, or he has a bad experience and only gets a vague diagnose and meds he will never ever try again anywhere.

In the moment I don’t know but maybe the University Hospital of Miami Psychiatric ward is the best thing maybe. Maybe more competent doctors in a hospital? I don’t know?

I don’t know anything.

I just saw on their website that they make a comprehensive evaluation in the Psychiatric Ward which sounds perfect: 6 doctors will do neuropsychological test and brain scan and laboratory tests. Then I called yesterday and a nurse there told me that it’s 5000 Dollar !!! And not covered by any health insurance !!! That really discouraged me as I think if they do this with him they would really not miss anything and find out what’s wrong with him! He is just about willing to go and needs to be in really good hands and have quickly all the best tests done!

The nurse said the only option is for us to see one of their psychiatrists for 1 hour (450 Dollar) and talk with them. I don’t know if that is enough time of finding out what’s wrong with him. If I was in the room I could at least explain everything.

By the way does anyone know what happens now with the application for the conditional greencard if we live seperately??? Should I involved police, or better not?

[TBoneTX 45,312]

Before he undergoes a psychiatric evaluation, I would have him undergo a thorough physical examination with complete laboratory tests. The situation could be completely medical in nature.

A physical examination will almost certainly be covered by insurance. If referrals to a medical specialist (possibly including a psychiatrist) are appropriate, these might also be partially or totally covered.

I am not a doctor, but this certainly sounds like a medical circumstance to me. Run (don't walk) to as good a family/general practitioner as you can find. This would seem to qualify as an emergency appointment.

Edited January 6, 2013 by TBoneTX

[Villanelle 4,122]

From my experiences with mental disorders, your husband seems to be bi-polar. Search on google on you'll see it matches his symptoms the most closely.

Its not something a lab or blood test would be able to pick up. A family or general practitioner also wouldnt be the person to diagnosis it. You need to find a psychiatrist who specializes in mental disorders.

Do you know which insurance he is signing up for? Is it something through his employer or something you are obtaining on your own? The insurance you get is going to determine which doctor you are going to choose if you have limited income. When you get insurance they give you a provider directory (a physical book they mail you) or you can access the directory online or call an 800 number and they will give you a list of Drs that are 'approved'. - meaning Drs that you can see that are covered by the plan. If you see a Dr thats 'out of network', someone they dont cover you will pay more to see them.

Depending on the plan you have, you might have to pay a co=pay for each office visit, (20-50$ on average)plus a deductible- which can be nothing or range anywhere from the first 500 to 5000 of bills you receive. Some insurance plans dont even cover mental health services either... so you need to do some research when selecting your insurance on Monday. Theres also the added cost of prescriptions which also have separate deductibles and co-pays.

As for your immigration situation. You can not live separately and file. You just got married in Aug and filed for AOS in Dec. VAWA is still very much an active program. There is an active thread on it on the forum. In order to qualify for VAWA you need to prove extreme cruelty by your spouse. You would need evidence of such. That would include police reports documenting the physical abuse you suffered, and a psychological mental evaluation of YOU, showing you are suffering from ptsd, severe anxiety, or depression as a result of the mental abuse. Basically that the abuse was severely traumatizing and has changed the person you are. The VAWA process is long and difficult. If you feel you do qualify for VAWA then you can leave your joint home, withdraw your AOS petition and refile as a VAWA applicant on your own.

If you dont feel you qualify for VAWA and you want to stay with your husband, you should be aware that with the correct treatment his condition is manageable.

[lierre 224]

I fear for your safety. And I really wish mental heatlh issues in the US were better discussed, especially with the school shooting that happened recently.

As soon as he starts being dark and moody, tell him he needs to go to the emergency room. He needs to be seen at a hospital, not just by psychiatry but also neurology because this might be a neurologic symptom. He has already harmed you... There might be a chance he will harm himself, too. Do not hesitate to seek medical attention for yourself and for him.

I understand you're very concerned about this situation coming off as him physically abusing you. But, from the outside, it is actually that.

Edited January 7, 2013 by ivyanddan

[Sandra G. 5,048]

Vawa is still in effect. To have a chance filing Vawa based in physical abuse you need to have at least a restraining order against him and a police report, for mental abuse you need to send to Vawa Unit your psychological evaluation along with form I-360 showing you are suffering depression and/or anxiety and/or anxiety due the abuse suffered.

Edited January 7, 2013 by sandranj

[Villanelle 4,122]

I fear for your safety. And I really wish mental heatlh issues in the US were better discussed, especially with the school shooting that happened recently.

As soon as he starts being dark and moody, tell him he needs to go to the emergency room. He needs to be seen at a hospital, not just by psychiatry but also neurology because this might be a neurologic symptom. He has already harmed you... There might be a chance he will harm himself, too. Do not hesitate to seek medical attention for yourself and for him.

I understand you're very concerned about this situation coming off as him physically abusing you. But, from the outside, it is actually that.

While there is a chance that this is a neurological problem like a tumor or a blood clot, the odds are very small. First she already stated that 3 years ago he had 'symptoms' (a feeling of cloudiness in his head and had a scan and they found nothing.

Second the OP stated that he had previously been married for 30 years and she was the only woman he had ever had in his life. Thats quite a long time. His wife had died of cancer and the last 10 years of their marriage was 'difficult'. His issues seem to have started soon after his wifes passing. Logic would say he has a lot of unresolved issues. He is now remarried.

She arrived on a K1 visa a probably 6 months ago if they were married in Aug. after it seems like only knowing him for a short amount of time (around 6 months) The new marriage and short courtship probably amplified whatever internal struggles hes dealing with and the OP is dealing with the result. Combine that with the fact that he works 60 hours a week as a manager at a restaurant and its a recipe for disaster.

Dare I ask the OP if they are living at the same residence he resided at with his former spouse? Do they share the same bedroom he once resided in with his previous spouse? Is this the same job he previously held? I dont ask these questions to pry or to pose blame. Just to make you aware of the facts of the situation you are in.

I do 100% agree though that if you are in a dangerous situation you need to remove yourself. Moving to a separate apartment will affect your AOS. However removing yourself to a hotel temporarily will not.

I can also understand not wanting to have police involvement, however if your husband is a threat to himself or others, you really need to contact them if or when he becomes violent. The police are trained on how to deal with situations like that.

[TBoneTX 45,312]

Medical technology, and the ability to interpret results, have improved considerably even during the past 3 years. Furthermore, tumors can be missed when they're small or if the radiologist is off his game. Much can happen in 3 years.

The "scan that found nothing" should be repeated, with the highest level of technology available. (Compare 64-slice computed tomography with previous iterations of CT. There is no comparison.)

The situation could indeed prove to be a mental disorder; however, I still strongly urge a complete physical examination FIRST, followed (if warranted) by a psychiatric evaluation -- when the results of the physical examination are available to be given to the psychiatrist. The physical and mental concerns should not be viewed in separate boxes, but rather in overlapping terms.

[lierre 224]

While there is a chance that this is a neurological problem like a tumor or a blood clot, the odds are very small. First she already stated that 3 years ago he had 'symptoms' (a feeling of cloudiness in his head and had a scan and they found nothing.

Second the OP stated that he had previously been married for 30 years and she was the only woman he had ever had in his life. Thats quite a long time. His wife had died of cancer and the last 10 years of their marriage was 'difficult'. His issues seem to have started soon after his wifes passing. Logic would say he has a lot of unresolved issues. He is now remarried.

She arrived on a K1 visa a probably 6 months ago if they were married in Aug. after it seems like only knowing him for a short amount of time (around 6 months) The new marriage and short courtship probably amplified whatever internal struggles hes dealing with and the OP is dealing with the result. Combine that with the fact that he works 60 hours a week as a manager at a restaurant and its a recipe for disaster.

Neurologic and psychiatric disorders are both physical disorders of the brain. Neuro symptoms can be grossly apparent through different scans depending on what needs to be seen. Psychiatric symptoms do not show grossly apparent changes on any scans but that does not mean it is not caused by a physically diseased brain. This is why when a personality change is observed, doctors try to find possible neurologic causes because finding a neuro cause might mean finding a permanent cure (like surgery).

Cannot know for sure what is causing his issues. Has he has history of violence prior to his deceased wife or is this really a new change in his personality?

Right now, I believe OP should protect herself and her husband from further harm. please follow people's advice here about seeking medical help.

[Villanelle 4,122]

Wow. Im not suggesting that whats wrong with him can not be neurological or that the OP should totally forgo any kinds of tests of those kinds. I am simply stating that the odds are very small that it is based on what she has posted so far.

It is also very dangerous to suggest or plant the idea into someones mind who has a physiological illness that their condition is not psychologically based and is being caused by a physical illness that is just going unrecognized and untreated, because it will prevent them from seeking and receiving the proper treatment. Already she has posted concern that if she does not find the proper dr and he does not receive the proper diagnosis on the first try, he would be reluctant to go back. That is a very bad sign.

If she was to discuss these posts with him and say well theres a good chance theres really nothing wrong psychologically with you at all- you are not mentally ill, you may just have some type of blood clot, or tumor, they can operate, something they missed years ago- of course hes going to be like Yup, thats it- I have no issues, I am a victim of inept doctors being able to diagnose my condition.

Also if he did have a medical condition it would be very hard for him to successfully hold a job and work 60 hours a week with out have violent outbursts or moody episodes at work at well. A blockage in his brain like that would not be selective like that and say- behave normal all the time and only direct this type of behavior to your spouse, or while youre at home. Thats emotional based. (She can easily find out if he has problems at work if he wont truthfully disclose it to her by directly speaking to whomever is his superiors there, casually asking the wait staff he manages if they notice odd behavior, or using basic logic- if hes held the job for a long period of time successfully then he has no issues- because if he behaved at work like he did at home even one time- he would have been terminated a long time ago)

[TBoneTX 45,312]

Wow. Im not suggesting that whats wrong with him can not be neurological or that the OP should totally forgo any kinds of tests of those kinds. [...]

Apologies for lending an impression that I was intending to argue, or to contradict your past experience or very good advice. Perhaps visiting a psychiatrist first would hit the home run; I would imagine, however, that the psychiatrist might order a physical examination before arriving at final conclusions.

Regardless of how the OP decides to proceed, I hope that she acts swiftly to help her husband and to protect herself in the meantime. A lot of good, caring people in this thread are interested in hearing what happens.

[redflower7 0]

From my experiences with mental disorders, your husband seems to be bi-polar. Search on google on you'll see it matches his symptoms the most closely.

Its not something a lab or blood test would be able to pick up. A family or general practitioner also wouldnt be the person to diagnosis it. You need to find a psychiatrist who specializes in mental disorders.

Do you know which insurance he is signing up for?

Sorry had lots of stress again with his changes. Almost cannot cope with him anymore.

Its an individual insurance he needs (not through the employer). The guy he purchased through life insurance today also looked at all the health insurances and is telling us that no health insurance in America offers any coverage anymore for mental health for individuals (just through employment). I called Aetna and Blue Shield/Blue Cross and they confirmed that to me!

Now that means that we have to pay that ourselfes! The comprehensive evaluation (neuropsychological test) offered by the University Clinic of Miami is 5000 and not covered by any insurance company. To see a psychiatrist there is 450 to 850. It would just be for 1 hour! Is that enough time to find his condition???

I dont know what else to do.

Edited January 7, 2013 by redflower7