Jokes

[Dixie_Peach 1]

GOOD

In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect

spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered

the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand

painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer then found the

young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket

full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated

radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being

cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked

to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you

are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball."

He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of

silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then

closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing

too hard to start her car.

Subject: Pregnant Blonde

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the

other day, just jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the

heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "honey, i have some really great news for you!" I said,

"great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and

was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told

me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so i grabbed her and

kissed her on the lips and told her, "that's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "oh, honey, there's more."

I asked, "what do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "well, we are not having just one baby...we are going to have

twins!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, so I asked

her how she knew?

you're going to love this part!) (really!)

She said, "well, that was the easy part.

I went to Wal-mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and

both tests came out positive!"

[MaryandMian 1]

Lynne too cute and thanks for the laughs this morning.

Mary

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Subject: signs

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right

place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

**************************

"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

******************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

"Yesterday's Meal n Wheels"

**************************

Subject: Remarkable Research

American Medical Association

researchers have made

a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients

needing blood transfusions

may benefit from receiving

chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky

and the women lay better.

Subject: CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1

Hands are already in the air.

> >>

Pentecostal: 10

One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

> >>

Presbyterians: None

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

> >>

Roman Catholic: None

Candles only.

> >>

Baptists: At least 15.

One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .

> >>

Episcopalians: 3

One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

> >>

Mormons: 5

One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

> >>

Unitarians:

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including

incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.?

> >>

Methodists: Undetermined

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

> >>

Nazarene: 6

One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

> >>

Lutherans: None

Lutherans don't believe in change.

> >>

Amish:

What's a light bulb?

Lynne too cute and thanks for the laughs this morning.

Mary

Mary... you are welcome... I figured that there were others like me who needed a laff... (I sure did!)... and I wanted to spread some chuckles. God bless, and praying you have a wonderful day... with some NEWS!!! *hugs*

Lynne

"These comments are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and

were words actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

these

exchanges were actually taking place."

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect you! r memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

! ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_________ _____________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he 's twenty-one.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY:! Were there any girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?! What school did you

go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

&nbs p; ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing

an autopsy on him!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check

for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:! No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law

[Fuzzness 2]

[Miranda&James 8]

Those are great!!