Divorce Update. 6 Months on..

[dingding 0]

Hey all.

Hope everyone is well and things are going smoothly for you all. I haven't been on for quite some time. Well October 28th marked as six months since the last time I saw my (just barely still) wife. So I thought I would drop a quick update. For those who cannot remember, Im the guy who's Military wife left him over the phone whilst he was back in the UK

Not alot has changed to be honest. Been a case of SSDD. The divorce isn't final yet. I think the papers are going to be handed in to the court within a few weeks. So my divorce should come through just in time for Christmas or my 30th Birthday

Anyways, as far as I go? The actualy daily, physical, agonising heartbreak stopped a few weeks ago (more on that further down the page..). I still hurt some days, just not every day. I still have very sad days, and I do still miss her terribly and I am generaly not happy yet. But then I do have some good days you know.

Im still working for the Bank, infact I have a interview coming up for a couple of Managers jobs here. If I get one of them it will be significant in that it would be perhaps the first significantly good thing to happen to me since I got back. It would be a big pay hike, and I can finally get my own place and move out of my parents...cos thats been fun.. I also applied for a job in Paris.

We are still in touch. We speak maybe every week to two weeks. I wait for her to contact me though. Its hard not to contact her sometimes, you know if im having a particularly lonely sunday I often have to resist.

When we talk we talk like friends, talk about practical stuff like needing my Birth Certificate mailing etc. We dont really talk about relationship stuff. I tell her I miss her, but we havent told each other we love each other for a while.

Now I just typed out a whole big update on her and things I think I've found out, but Ive come back and deleted it before I posted it. Thats her business now. What I will say is she finished school top of her class, and I am incredibly proud of her. She has moved to her new duty station. I think she has moved on very quickly. I still don't know for sure what happened. If I had to guess I reckon she met someone she liked better, and in order to be with him she had to get rid of me. I think they are still together now. Ive found out stuff that has pretty much confirmed my suspicions, including a name. But again its her business. I do genuinely hope she is happy. I hope she has (if I havent added 2 and 2 together and got 5) found her true love. I hope he, if there is a he, treats her well.

I have no negative feelings towards her. More that anything Im just disappointed she didnt think we were worth a go, that it wasnt even worth trying to make things work before giving up. I still love her, but Im not in love with her (though I admit it wouldnt take long for that to come back). I get insanely jealous every now and then. Jealous of a guy I dont even know anything about, and am not even 100% sure what their relationship is. I still want to be friends. I would, in all honesty still be back with her.

Am I over her? Im not sure. Im not even sure if you do get over someone, Im just learning to live with it I guess.

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

If I had to guess I reckon she met someone she liked better, and in order to be with him she had to get rid of me. I think they are still together now. Ive found out stuff that has pretty much confirmed my suspicions, including a name.

that was my guess originally. best wishes for you to get thru this difficult time

[rob&ana 0]

Hi:

I remember reading your posts before. I don’t recall too many details, nor is it important.

I just wanted to say, that in the time I have been on VJ, this is the most sensible post I have ever read about a relationship that didn’t work. I really admire your will to move on, and though I know it’s not easy, and like you say, you may never be totally ‘over’ it: it seems like you are definitely on your way to healing. The best thing to do in a situation like this is move on, not by engaging in empty relationships, but by filling your life with new goals and trying to be ‘the’ better person.

I wish you the best of lucks regarding your job offers, and I am sure there’s someone out there that will see you for who you are, and value it as the most cherished thing in their lives.

Ana

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Am I over her? Im not sure. Im not even sure if you do get over someone, Im just learning to live with it I guess.

If you haven't dones so already, go out on dates with many different women and keep it casual. It'll help you to not only spend less time thinking about your ex, but also giving yourself a chance to meet some wonderful women who will see the greatness in you.

[anya-D 8]

Am I over her? Im not sure. Im not even sure if you do get over someone, Im just learning to live with it I guess.

If you haven't dones so already, go out on dates with many different women and keep it casual. It'll help you to not only spend less time thinking about your ex, but also giving yourself a chance to meet some wonderful women who will see the greatness in you.

I second this

[Reba 2]

or just go out and get rip roarin' drunk and have fun with whomever you stumble into

what? Everybody does it!

Good luck with the job ap in Paris. Sounds like a good opportunity

[Jenn! 918]

I do genuinely hope she is happy. I hope she has (if I havent added 2 and 2 together and got 5) found her true love. I hope he, if there is a he, treats her well.

Sounds to me like she passed up a pretty good thing. I hope you find someone who appreciates you.

[rebeccajo 14]

Good luck to you.

I think in time you'll find it's better off not to be 'friends' with her. Like maybe when the love a good woman makes you see your true worth.

[dingding 0]

Thanks guys.

I think I am ready to date. Though for sure I am not ready for anything serious. It would have to be someone pretty special for me to open up to them the way I did to my ex. I get incredibly lonely sometimes, particularly at weekends when Im not working you know. I mean my friends are great, and I get to go for beers with them once a week or so. But its not the same, I still long for more. I love cooking and eating out, going to the theatre and cinema, and those nights in with a glass of wine and a movie and the candlelit conversations in the bath aren't quite as good on your own!

There hasn't been much interest to be honest though, but Im sure I haven't appeared the most receptive to advances. Im gonna have to find some new interests or hobbies where I can meet people I think. I don't want someone for the sake of wanting someone, or so I can "get back" at my ex. I want someone I can hang out with now and again and do things that I enjoy, with good company. I mean its not a priority, but I think it will help. If I can land one of these jobs (and from what I hear the chances are good), get my own place etc I think it will help rebuild some of the self esteem i've lost.

I miss the US, I really, really do. If we had split up whilst I was still there I would have stayed thats for sure.

I will have some amazing memories. The road trips, particularly the evacuation from Katrina driving from New Orleans to Memphis on I55, the sun blazing, the music blaring. Taking my dad (a life time country fan) to Nashville just a couple of weeks later..a dream come true for him, he was like a kid! Drinking bottles of champagne with the homeless guys in the park in the pouring rain outside the New Orleans court house after our wedding, we took two of those guys to dinner with us at the Alpine. Skimming stones across Lake Couer De Alene in Idaho, her home town. And many, many personal things. It felt like home it really did, and well, England just doesn't. I would love to go back someday.

Who knows if we will stay friends. Ultimately that will be up to her. She knows I want to, but I dont want to stay in contact as friends just out of sympathy. I want her to want to be friends you know. I have a feeling that her calls/texts/emails will become less and less and eventually stop. I hope they don't. And I think deep, deep ,deep down there is a tiny part of my hearth that hopes one day she will turn around and say "i made a huge mistake - I want you back", but I can't really think about that. Right now Im sure I would probably be on the next plane. That probably wont always be the case, but Im not dead and I don't plan on being dead anytime soon so I have to keep on living!

What have I learnt?....

Don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed.

Don't take anything for granted, particularly if you value it, do everything you can to try and ensure you get to keep it.

Im stronger than I sometimes feel, how I have not become clinically depressed (I have been before) over this only God knows, I have genuinely suprised myself.

Don't decorate your house in Hurricane season.

Always order extra blue cheese with your hot wings.

I do genuinely hope she is happy. I hope she has (if I havent added 2 and 2 together and got 5) found her true love. I hope he, if there is a he, treats her well.

Sounds to me like she passed up a pretty good thing. I hope you find someone who appreciates you.

Thanks that's very sweet. Is that Punky Brester on your avatar?

[JanaknJanet 0]

Hi.. I do remember you...

Its good to hear you are moving on.

You are a good man and I'm sure you know you deserve better than what has happened to you. I wish you all the best to find it one day.

In the mean time.....

Congrats on the new job... BEST OF LUCK on the potential job in Paris..

just remember... not all women are users... ok.. and in fairness.. not all men are either..

there are reasons in ones life that takes them in the directions they choose.. many times we may never know or understand the reasons why.. nor do we need to know.

What you had when you had it was a gift from Life... no matter how short it was...

just always remember... that .. Love is Love.. no matter how long..

Hugs...

[KiKi 0]

You've handled this situation with dignity and grace ....

I doubt most (myself included) could have responded with such class.

I sounds trite, but there really will be someone better out there who deserves and appreciates all that you have to offer.

I'm glad you're doing better......I still recommend the book "How to Survvive the Loss of a Love"

Thanks for giving us the update!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks guys.

I think I am ready to date. Though for sure I am not ready for anything serious. It would have to be someone pretty special for me to open up to them the way I did to my ex. I get incredibly lonely sometimes, particularly at weekends when Im not working you know. I mean my friends are great, and I get to go for beers with them once a week or so. But its not the same, I still long for more. I love cooking and eating out, going to the theatre and cinema, and those nights in with a glass of wine and a movie and the candlelit conversations in the bath aren't quite as good on your own!

I'd go in it with the idea of wanting to expose yourself to different women's personalities and you can even openly say that you're not looking for a relationship right now...take the pressure off of yourself and her, and it doesn't mean it can't happen - just that it is not in your mind. Then when the sparks start flying, you can decide whether to pursue it further or not.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Hey! Just wanted to add my good wishes for your future, and thanks for checking in. Glad to know you're doing alright. I can't imagine how you've felt, but I must agree with the other posters who have said "dignity and grace." You have a wonderful attitude.

Here's hoping your life will only get better and better from here on out. M.

[Jenn! 918]

I do genuinely hope she is happy. I hope she has (if I havent added 2 and 2 together and got 5) found her true love. I hope he, if there is a he, treats her well.

Sounds to me like she passed up a pretty good thing. I hope you find someone who appreciates you.

Thanks that's very sweet. Is that Punky Brester on your avatar?

Punky Power!!!

[govols 0]

David,

I also remember you. It's so good to know that you are doing well. I know you are still hurt but time does ease the pain. I guess it never takes it away but it does lessen it a bit.

I hope you eventually meet someone wonderful. Good luck to you.

Karen