Please help me - marriage fallen apart and no where to go

[lostandconfused 0]

I have been married to my husband for two years now. I am 21, and originally from the UK. We have a four month old daughter together.

My husband is very abusive towards me. While he has never hit me, he often addresses me as 'listen, ######' and other words when he gets angry, and he gets angry A LOT over the most trivial things. I have watched him punch holes in walls, I have sat in the bathroom sobbing at 8 months pregnant while he threatens to kick the door down and drag me out by my hair.. lots of things have happened.

I can't deal with it anymore, and I refuse to let my daughter grow up witnessing his mood swings and have her think its okay to act that way. But the problem is, he is a lot older than me, and I have no one I can turn to back in England - he met me when I was living in homeless accomodation run by the local council. I have no friends here and I do not work. (We agreed to me staying home to watch the baby as any money I make will pretty much be eaten up by childcare... I also agreed to this because I'm not happy leaving her alone with him knowing what his temper is like.)

What can I do? Right now, I have no money, no credit rating (here or in the UK - my UK credit is shot from when I was at university), no where to stay, no one back home to help me when I get there and I'm stuck living with this man who by his own admission has absolutely no respect for me and who knows that he can treat me anyway he likes because there is nothing I can do about it. If I threaten to leave, he laughs in my face. He tells me to go, because he doesn't believe I will. Its become a common theme of every arguement because he knows that there is nothing I can say after that.

The only good thing is that I do have a passport for my daughter. I persuaded him to sign it when we took her back to England when she was first born to visit my relatives, who I have a very very strained relationship with. They think he is the nicest guy in the world, and have told me uncatagorically that they will not help me out if I ever leave him, so relying on their help is not an option.

Right now I am squirrelling money away when I do the grocery shopping, and have been for the last six months. I have the rediculous amount of $300, which obviously isn't going to get me very far. If he finds out about this, he will go mad because he considers it his money as he earns it. I haven't bought a single item of new clothing since I have been here (even throughout my pregnancy I sold my own things on ebay to afford second hand maternity clothes) - he has since removed the credit card from the account so I cannot use it anymore- and while I feel bad taking money from him, its the only thing I can think of to do. I was considering using that $300 to get a secured credit card and waiting out however long it took me to get an unsecured card with a high enough limit (which I can pay back from the UK over time), but I don't think I can last living like this for much longer. My wedding ring can be sold, but it only cost $750 here, so I doubt I will get very much for it. When I get back to the UK, I will need money for somewhere to stay, money to provide for my daughter, money to buy clothes for the both of us (her because it will be cold, me so I can get a job), I will have to sort out childcare... It just seems impossible.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can get out of this situation? Do you think the council will help me, even though I have been away for so long? What will I even be eligable for? What am I looking at in terms of taking my daughter with me? I know I could potentially be charged with kidnapping... but I don't think he will make the effort to do anything where that is concerned. He has said many times that he will 'let' me take her when I leave.

Please help. I don't know what to do and I am so scared.

[mmb 0]

You need to get legal advice, Catholic Charites in your area might be able to help. They only charge what people can afford to pay and provide support for immigrants. You don't have to be Catholic.

[sjoefl01 1]

Most cities have some sort of battered women program. Although you have not been battered they can probably point you in the right direction. Most churches have lists of connections for people that need help.

These types of behaviors tend to grow more angry each time. You need to get out of there soon.

Resist the urge to argue with him. There is nothing to be gained from it.

[ChristinaM 0]

Where are you? If you let us know where you are, we can help you find more appropriate resources.

[happyimmigrant 0]

I feel for you. As others have mentioned here, if you tell us where you are, it will be easier to find you help.

One thing I can suggest to you right now is to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Every time he gets mad, write down what happened, what he said, where it happened, when it happened. Every time. It's important. Especially if you end up leaving with your child to the UK, this type of information will be critical in order to allow you to keep your child according to the Hague Convention.

If he threatens you, or if you feel in danger for you or your child, you need to call the police. Coordinate with a battered womens' shelter. Make an escape plan. This behavior is going to get worse and worse, you need to protect yourself and your child and get out of there.

[John & Annie 0]

I will add to this. Please tell us where you are and we can try to help.

If you are in the Riverside area of CA, we would come and get you.

No one should be made to feel this way.

[ChristinaM 0]

I will add to this. Please tell us where you are and we can try to help.

If you are in the Riverside area of CA, we would come and get you.

No one should be made to feel this way.

Precisely. I'm in Maine so if you're in my neck of the woods, the same goes. There are a lot of people here who are willing to help in one way or another, so let us know.

[Mary Lou 681]

Your story is heartbreaking

Im sorry things have gone this way for you.

Catholic Charities was a very good suggestion as mmb said.

But if you could tell us where you are we might be able to help more

[Brazilitaliana 0]

If you are in northern California, we'll help you by hiding you and your daughter, but I would recommend that before you do anything, you need to let some kind of authority know about your situation. Spousal abuse is taken very seriously in this country, and there are many resources you can look for. There are numerous shelters designed to accomodate abused women and children. It seems like you have access to a computer, you can do a lot of research, or if you're afraid your husband would find out, continue to post here and let us know where you are and we'll help you, ok?

I come from a home like that, I do not wish the same on your little girl, please let us help you.

God bless,

Vanessa

P.S. In a quick research, I found this webpage: http://www.womanshelter.org/services.html. I believe places like this exist throughout the US, and it should not be hard to find one in your area.

Edited November 6, 2006 by Brazilitaliana

[Aussielad 37]

***if*** its possible and if you know of any lawyers that are willing to give you some free-legal counsel, then go for it.

[sheraz 0]

Sad story

Funny why you are still hanging around VJ instead you should be searching and posting on some batter women website.

[PurrSuede 0]

Sad story

Funny why you are still hanging around VJ instead you should be searching and posting on some batter women website.

What do you mean? The OP just joined "yesterday" according to the date on the first posting??

And hasn't posted since then, at least in this thread...

-- Dan

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I have been married to my husband for two years now. I am 21, and originally from the UK. We have a four month old daughter together.

My husband is very abusive towards me. While he has never hit me, he often addresses me as 'listen, ######' and other words when he gets angry, and he gets angry A LOT over the most trivial things. I have watched him punch holes in walls, I have sat in the bathroom sobbing at 8 months pregnant while he threatens to kick the door down and drag me out by my hair.. lots of things have happened.

I can't deal with it anymore, and I refuse to let my daughter grow up witnessing his mood swings and have her think its okay to act that way. But the problem is, he is a lot older than me, and I have no one I can turn to back in England - he met me when I was living in homeless accomodation run by the local council. I have no friends here and I do not work. (We agreed to me staying home to watch the baby as any money I make will pretty much be eaten up by childcare... I also agreed to this because I'm not happy leaving her alone with him knowing what his temper is like.)

What can I do? Right now, I have no money, no credit rating (here or in the UK - my UK credit is shot from when I was at university), no where to stay, no one back home to help me when I get there and I'm stuck living with this man who by his own admission has absolutely no respect for me and who knows that he can treat me anyway he likes because there is nothing I can do about it. If I threaten to leave, he laughs in my face. He tells me to go, because he doesn't believe I will. Its become a common theme of every arguement because he knows that there is nothing I can say after that.

The only good thing is that I do have a passport for my daughter. I persuaded him to sign it when we took her back to England when she was first born to visit my relatives, who I have a very very strained relationship with. They think he is the nicest guy in the world, and have told me uncatagorically that they will not help me out if I ever leave him, so relying on their help is not an option.

Right now I am squirrelling money away when I do the grocery shopping, and have been for the last six months. I have the rediculous amount of $300, which obviously isn't going to get me very far. If he finds out about this, he will go mad because he considers it his money as he earns it. I haven't bought a single item of new clothing since I have been here (even throughout my pregnancy I sold my own things on ebay to afford second hand maternity clothes) - he has since removed the credit card from the account so I cannot use it anymore- and while I feel bad taking money from him, its the only thing I can think of to do. I was considering using that $300 to get a secured credit card and waiting out however long it took me to get an unsecured card with a high enough limit (which I can pay back from the UK over time), but I don't think I can last living like this for much longer. My wedding ring can be sold, but it only cost $750 here, so I doubt I will get very much for it. When I get back to the UK, I will need money for somewhere to stay, money to provide for my daughter, money to buy clothes for the both of us (her because it will be cold, me so I can get a job), I will have to sort out childcare... It just seems impossible.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can get out of this situation? Do you think the council will help me, even though I have been away for so long? What will I even be eligable for? What am I looking at in terms of taking my daughter with me? I know I could potentially be charged with kidnapping... but I don't think he will make the effort to do anything where that is concerned. He has said many times that he will 'let' me take her when I leave.

Please help. I don't know what to do and I am so scared.

Please read this thread and then come back with questions...

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...st&p=536059

[boo 0]

hello sorry to here that u are going through the same as me. im getting help now. but its been very hard due to my status. so i say to u find out were u stand first b4 u go hunting around for help. because there is only limited help for some people and u may well end up waisting a lot of time as i have. pls read my thread an use the same links that people have sent me. thats how ive managed to get some help i will tell u its not going to be easy. but dont give up i no how u feel. ive been been there as well. theres a laywer im going to see to tomorrow but thats in worcester mass. all the info i got was from catholic charities but remember explain to them everthink and make sure u no what staus u fall under because it can be very confusing if u dont no urself ...that will let them understand ur needs as to were to go and so on. trust me im going through this my self what ever u do dont take the baby and run u will get arrested and dont trust anythink ur hubbys telling u right now he may well be setting up for somethink else. u need to collect all your papers togeather and dont let the affridavid of surport out of your site... make a statement of everythink thats happened to u since u have been married and add to it each time somethink happens. try and get as much paper work as possible about your married life togeather bank statements depts marriage cert the works ok. because u will need as much info as u can get. i should have said to u at the beging and u must find this out first and thats u must find out if u are intiltled to t.d.a as that will changed everythink if u cant ok.....hope u work this out for urself be strong i no it a nightmare and try to think three or four steps ahead (chess) it helps wen the balls moving... take care boo my thread it under (marriage downbreak) or click on memebers in the homepage in the corner and type the letter b or boo....wen u get the ball rolling ur see there is help and it will take away the felling of not being alone.. take care........

Edited November 8, 2006 by boo

[boo 0]

hello sorry to here that u are going through the same as me. im getting help now. but its been very hard due to my status. so i say to u find out were u stand first b4 u go hunting around for help. because there is only limited help for some people and u may well end up waisting a lot of time as i have. pls read my thread an use the same links that people have sent me. thats how ive managed to get some help i will tell u its not going to be easy. but dont give up i no how u feel. ive been been there as well. theres a laywer im going to see to tomorrow but thats in worcester mass. all the info i got was from catholic charities but remember explain to them everthink and make sure u no what staus u fall under because it can be very confusing if u dont no urself ...that will let them understand ur needs as to were to go and so on. trust me im going through this my self what ever u do dont take the baby and run u will get arrested and dont trust anythink ur hubbys telling u right now he may well be setting up for somethink else. u need to collect all your papers togeather and dont let the affridavid of surport out of your site... make a statement of everythink thats happened to u since u have been married and add to it each time somethink happens. try and get as much paper work as possible about your married life togeather bank statements depts marriage cert the works ok. because u will need as much info as u can get. i should have said to u at the beging and u must find this out first and thats u must find out if u are intiltled to t.d.a as that will changed everythink if u cant ok.....hope u work this out for urself be strong i no it a nightmare and try to think three or four steps ahead (chess) it helps wen the balls moving... take care boo my thread it under (marriage downbreak) or click on memebers in the homepage in the corner and type the letter b or boo....wen u get the ball rolling ur see there is help and it will take away the felling of not being alone.. take care........

the scary thing about people coming over here is that 1 in 2 marriages breakdown here within the first three years...thats why is so unfair.( food for thought)