likely divorce during application process

[rkk1 34]

Hi guys. There is a very good chance I will be divorcing soon from my overseas husband. (I am the USC petitioner.) You can see my timeline for more info, if that helps. I completed the I-130 application, then my petition moved to the NVC, where I submitted my $88 fee and the Affidavit of Support paperwork. They processed all that in August, but needed my husband's documents... which he failed to send me, as he was dragging his feet on coming here (as he is a mamma's boy and now can't stand the thought of leaving his family). At least this is the nicest version... as others have suspected him of being manipulative with me, and having worse intentions.

He doesn't give me clear answers about whether he really wants to make the marriage work or not, as he's completely wishy washy. I feel like I'm in this marriage totally alone, as his parents are first to him.

Anyway, I had given him an ultimatum that if he didn't get his documents on time to me (I told him I needed that they needed to be mailed out by Jan 15th) that I would plan for divorce. This was more than enough time extension, as I had asked him back in April to make sure to have all the documents to be by July (2012) so that we could be ready to go when they NVC was ready for his stuff. Yet he kept find one excuse after the other since July to keep delaying sending me his stuff.

He and I are both aware that if he delays long enough, he can get the 10 year GC instead of the 2 year conditional one. Hence the reason why I gave the ultimatum, as that was pushing it as far out as I could manage to prevent that from happening. By following through with my ultimatum, I thought at least he could show me that he wasn't coming for the wrong reasons, but for me.

However, he still has done minimal to get his documents (passport, PCC, etc) to me. He knows I'm beyond exasperated with the marriage and his lack of proactivity and his prioritization of his mother over me. Hence getting the work done was truly important as a first step in attempting to rebuild the relationship. But now he states that he doesn't think he should bother getting the documents together as I keep talking about divorce.... and thus he isn't going to make the effort to get my name added in his passport if I'm going to just turn around and divorce him. Thus we are at a standstill and getting nowhere... however, I have told him that the ultimatum still stands and our relationship will be over in less than a month. Yet he continues to do nothing... he still flirts with me and sends me trite cutsey emails, but isn't willing to address our marriage problems or OWN his mistakes. He is still a child hiding behind mommy instead of an adult husband to me. I'm fed up. Yes, I'm deeply heartbroken and devastated beyond belief, but I'm focusing on the anger right now as I will fall into a hopeless depression if I allow myself to feel any of my grief. I think I will only allow myself to break down once I've gotten the divorce filed and the visa cancelled. I still deeply care for my husband and don't want to divorce... neither does he want divorce. Yet he isn't willing to change, and I cannot live with him the way he is (selfish and immature). So there is nothing for me to do, but to grieve and move on.

What do I need to do here? Do I need to contact both the NVC and the place where I filed the I-130? Do I need to get the I-130 cancelled as well, or is contacting the NVC enough? Is there anyway also to cancel the Affidavit of Support since he hasn't gotten any visa yet? Does it matter if file for divorce first, or if I just cancel the visa application first before filing? I don't want to create any permanent ban on him coming here... with my irrational romantic hope that maybe someday he might man up and choose to come here on his own to win me back. (Though I doubt he'd do that, as he lacks the character and integrity, or even the love for me.) But I just want to do what is needed to prevent him from submitting the visa application and fees himself to the NVC, and coming here without my knowledge and becoming a public charge on me. Thanks!

Edited December 23, 2012 by rkk1

[rkk1 34]

I bolded and underlined my questions above, so people who don't feel like reading my whole post (about my frustration and grief) can just focus on the pertinent questions. That is what I really want answered, as I've used this forum to process my relationship issues previously. Thanks!

Edited December 23, 2012 by rkk1

[IT_1 0]

I bolded and underlined my questions above, so people who don't feel like reading my whole post (about my frustration and grief) can just focus on the pertinent questions. That is what I really want answered, as I've used this forum to process my relationship issues previously. Thanks!

FIrst question to you, are you Indian? if yes; did you Born in India? Answer these questiones we will have a good understanding..

[InHisTime 110]

Hi there! I have read your previous and current posts. I just thought you need to send an email or fax to USCIS and NVC to cancel your petition for your husband citing your personal reasons. Actually, giving an ultimatum to a relationship is not a good idea. But I truly understand you why you have to do it. You have been waiting long and still he couldn't make a decision. I can feel your stress. If you are sure your husband is a mama's boy, then I'm sure it is a huge problem. Don't force him to come to the states. That is going to be a big issue later. It takes two to stay in a loving marriage. If you have done all efforts but still to no avail, then file divorce and move on. Don't beg him for love. Love yourself and stay happy. God sees you and He shall bring you the one you deserve in His time. Good luck and happy holidays!

[rkk1 34]

FIrst question to you, are you Indian? if yes; did you Born in India? Answer these questiones we will have a good understanding..

I am a USC of Indian ethnicity... born in the US. I don't know if this really has much bearing on the visa cancellation procedure. I do appreciate your interest in knowing about my background, as it certainly would be useful to help sort out the differences between my husband and me, had I been fighting to save it.... as I was doing before. But now I just want to heal, and get through our split in the least traumatic way possible.

I rarely call him anymore, unless there is a particular reason to. He still calls me periodically (if we haven't talked for several days) to talk about health or politics or some other meaningless topic (as I used to enjoy these discussions when we were lovingly together). But I have no interest in discussing any such needless topics anymore, unless he wants to talk about the relationship and own up to his share of the problems... but he doesn't want to do that. He thinks talking politics or religion with me (and ignoring our problems) will save the marriage. He says that he prays for our marriage to work out, yet isn't willing to do much to fix it. (Sigh.) I wish I had Caller ID.

[rlogan 2,036]

But now he states that he doesn't think he should bother getting the documents together as I keep talking about divorce

That was utterly predictable given his manipulative past. Blame you.

he still flirts with me and sends me trite cutsey emails, but isn't willing to address our marriage problems or OWN his mistakes.

Of course.

Withdraw the application and affadavit of support forthwith. Thank God you finally came to your senses. You can file for divorce too, but I would act on the visa and affadavit immediately.

Edited December 23, 2012 by rlogan

[InHisTime 110]

That was utterly predictable given his manipulative past. Blame you.

Of course.

Withdraw the application and affadavit of support forthwith. Thank God you finally came to your senses. You can file for divorce too, but I would act on the visa and affadavit immediately.

Never look back! Just move forward...you will be fine, don't worry too much! God bless and heal your heart.

[ProudAfrican 5]

Hi guys. There is a very good chance I will be divorcing soon from my overseas husband. (I am the USC petitioner.) You can see my timeline for more info, if that helps. I completed the I-130 application, then my petition moved to the NVC, where I submitted my $88 fee and the Affidavit of Support paperwork. They processed all that in August, but needed my husband's documents... which he failed to send me, as he was dragging his feet on coming here (as he is a mamma's boy and now can't stand the thought of leaving his family). At least this is the nicest version... as others have suspected him of being manipulative with me, and having worse intentions.

He doesn't give me clear answers about whether he really wants to make the marriage work or not, as he's completely wishy washy. I feel like I'm in this marriage totally alone, as his parents are first to him.

Anyway, I had given him an ultimatum that if he didn't get his documents on time to me (I told him I needed that they needed to be mailed out by Jan 15th) that I would plan for divorce. This was more than enough time extension, as I had asked him back in April to make sure to have all the documents to be by July (2012) so that we could be ready to go when they NVC was ready for his stuff. Yet he kept find one excuse after the other since July to keep delaying sending me his stuff.

He and I are both aware that if he delays long enough, he can get the 10 year GC instead of the 2 year conditional one. Hence the reason why I gave the ultimatum, as that was pushing it as far out as I could manage to prevent that from happening. By following through with my ultimatum, I thought at least he could show me that he wasn't coming for the wrong reasons, but for me.

However, he still has done minimal to get his documents (passport, PCC, etc) to me. He knows I'm beyond exasperated with the marriage and his lack of proactivity and his prioritization of his mother over me. Hence getting the work done was truly important as a first step in attempting to rebuild the relationship. But now he states that he doesn't think he should bother getting the documents together as I keep talking about divorce.... and thus he isn't going to make the effort to get my name added in his passport if I'm going to just turn around and divorce him. Thus we are at a standstill and getting nowhere... however, I have told him that the ultimatum still stands and our relationship will be over in less than a month. Yet he continues to do nothing... he still flirts with me and sends me trite cutsey emails, but isn't willing to address our marriage problems or OWN his mistakes. He is still a child hiding behind mommy instead of an adult husband to me. I'm fed up. Yes, I'm deeply heartbroken and devastated beyond belief, but I'm focusing on the anger right now as I will fall into a hopeless depression if I allow myself to feel any of my grief. I think I will only allow myself to break down once I've gotten the divorce filed and the visa cancelled. I still deeply care for my husband and don't want to divorce... neither does he want divorce. Yet he isn't willing to change, and I cannot live with him the way he is (selfish and immature). So there is nothing for me to do, but to grieve and move on.

What do I need to do here? Do I need to contact both the NVC and the place where I filed the I-130? Do I need to get the I-130 cancelled as well, or is contacting the NVC enough? Is there anyway also to cancel the Affidavit of Support since he hasn't gotten any visa yet? Does it matter if file for divorce first, or if I just cancel the visa application first before filing? I don't want to create any permanent ban on him coming here... with my irrational romantic hope that maybe someday he might man up and choose to come here on his own to win me back. (Though I doubt he'd do that, as he lacks the character and integrity, or even the love for me.) But I just want to do what is needed to prevent him from submitting the visa application and fees himself to the NVC, and coming here without my knowledge and becoming a public charge on me. Thanks!

Hi,

You can try to withdraw the application at anytime.the decision is totally yours but since you have some fantasy and believe he might change his mind and try to come to you,you can still let the application with NVC.it will be valid for 12 months and if you have not complied with their regulations or have not updated your file by sending required docs your case will be automatically terminated.

You can try not to talk about divorce or change his name in yours or asking him to get things done... Some men don't like women making decision so let him be the man and if he wanna make this work,you will notice if not you can decide to move on with your life.

Good luck

[rkk1 34]

Withdraw the application and affadavit of support forthwith. Thank God you finally came to your senses. You can file for divorce too, but I would act on the visa and affadavit immediately.

Great to hear from you again, Rlogan!

I know I probably sound like a dimwit to ask this, but how exactly do I "Withdraw the application and affadavit of support", as you mentioned? Do I just need to shoot an email to the NVC at the same email address in which they send their emails to both of us regarding our case? Or should I mail a typed letter to the NVC as well as the CSC (where my I-130 was processed)?

There are still 23 days left before the ultimatum expires, but I doubt he can do much about it now. He'd have to drop everything with a single-minded effort to get the papers done on time, as he would still need to obtain a new passport and the police clearance. However, he is still going on conducting his business all day, as though our nearing breakup is the furthest thing from his mind. I'm the one who has been far more forlorn about this than he is. I don't think he believes that I'll really cancel the visa application or divorce him. When I brought up the ultimatum a few days ago, he just responded with some dismissive joke about it. Although I have great hesitation to do so... once I actually get the nerve to do it, there will be little of chance of him trying to get me back, as I do not want to go through this process from the start for him again. For me, pulling that trigger to kill our marriage by sending out that cancellation letter/email will probably be one of the most painful decisions I make in my life. I just need to muster up the courage to do it. I am close with my husband's extended family and they will be utterly devastated, as will I.

[rkk1 34]

Hi there! I have read your previous and current posts. I just thought you need to send an email or fax to USCIS and NVC to cancel your petition for your husband citing your personal reasons. Actually, giving an ultimatum to a relationship is not a good idea. But I truly understand you why you have to do it. You have been waiting long and still he couldn't make a decision. I can feel your stress. If you are sure your husband is a mama's boy, then I'm sure it is a huge problem. Don't force him to come to the states. That is going to be a big issue later. It takes two to stay in a loving marriage. If you have done all efforts but still to no avail, then file divorce and move on. Don't beg him for love. Love yourself and stay happy. God sees you and He shall bring you the one you deserve in His time. Good luck and happy holidays!

Thanks so much for following my posts, and for all of your support and encouragement! Just a clarification.... by submitting an email to USCIS, do you mean the CSC where the I-130 was processed? When we cancelled the K-1 visa in the past (after we got married, as it was in the CSC at that time), I just had to write a letter to the CSC. And it took a full month before they wrote me back telling me that the cancellation was processed. But now that it has moved on to the NVC, I don't know if I need to write a letter to both. Probably I will just email the NVC, and see if they need me to do any additional procedures or letters.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful words... I really need that to heal right now. I wish you and your partner a lifetime of happiness.

[rkk1 34]

You can try to withdraw the application at anytime.the decision is totally yours but since you have some fantasy and believe he might change his mind and try to come to you,you can still let the application with NVC.it will be valid for 12 months and if you have not complied with their regulations or have not updated your file by sending required docs your case will be automatically terminated.

Thank you. I am aware of the NVC case expiration being 1 year after no activity. So in theory I could just do nothing... which I could do if I lacked the courage to actually send the email canceling the visa. My only concern was that if he really did want to come here on his own, then he could still pay the required fee and send the NVC all his documents directly and come here after our 2 year anniversary and get his 10 year GC. This all could be done from his side without my involvement or knowledge. And then once he sends all his paperwork in, maybe it would be too late for me to cancel later even when I muster up the courage to do so. So although it would be a lot less painful to just do nothing, I don't know if this opens the door to me running a greater chance of getting taken advantage of.

[aaydrian 479]

Just do a search of the site on how to 'Cancel affidvit of support NVC' and 'Withdraw CR1 petition/application NVC' until someone can give you the step by step.

At this point an ultimatum is understandable. You've gone through enough passive means which haven't worked so here is where you are forced to be.

Don't remind your husband about the ultimatum. This is important and if he can't remember on his own that shows you where his heart and mind is.

Your husband acting nonchalant about the state of your marriage or the visa process seems to be him playing chicken. He wants you to worry and you to ultimately do want he wants.

Continue to figure out how you want to handle the visa process then work on either staying in the marriage or getting a divorce.

Edited December 23, 2012 by aaydrian

[Jahwaree 83]

Y did U give an ultimatum seem it was over before it started, seem he'd like to get a GC

but has no interest in you, may sound harsh but sis glad U are waking up I read your post

efore what are U waiting on to call & email USCIS, NVC and his local embassy telling them

eactly what U say here, and asking them to cancel petition, if he gets there he wont be with U.

[Darnell 8,478]

'how to withdraw' depends on where the casefile is.

Since it's at NVC -

you need to call into NVC on Monday, and ask for a supervisor,

then put the question to the supervisor.

Usually it's a letter sent off, attention of a particular office at NVC,

but

it's enough to simply withdraw the I-864, the affadavit of support, whilst the casefile is at NVC, from NVC.

Not having an I-864 in play stops all casefile processing at NVC, regardless of reason.

Once you get confirmation from NVC, yer done. That casefile won't get to the IV unit, at all.

to anyone else reading this, before you try to give advice on saving the relationship - I beg of you - make time to read her prior posts. Learn how to use VJ web portal, aye?

Edited December 23, 2012 by Darnell

[TBoneTX 45,284]

Notify NVC by e-mail and follow up with a hard-copy letter.

In regard to USCIS, set an InfoPass appointment to find out what's required and to get your information completely in all the records.

Personal note: Along with others here, I'm gladdened to hear of your decision, and you can be proud of it. Hold your head high, because you deserve to.