holidays stress

[caly 48]

When the husband says that "pretending to be happy" is normal, then the husband is the problem. With respect to this marriage. He's got a dysfunctional family, but they aren't the problem between husband and wife.

The husband is telling the wife that she is expected to be unhappy and pretend to be happy. So fine, she needs to get a boyfriend that makes her happy and tell the husband that's perfectly normal. The husband needs to act appropriately and pretend he's happy about it.

Fixation? ####### - I didn't even respond to you. That's why it doesn't quote you. I quoted Ontarkie, who picked out something important.

YEARS have gone by with the husband failing her on something pretty basic. It was tongue in cheek to offer up that she should return the favor by getting a boyfriend and telling him to pretend to be happy.

Well, my mistake.

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why you were quoting Ontarkie since he/she was referring to the OP's Son and daughter in-law in that statement, and not the OP and her husband as you were doing. Furthermore, the OP never said her husband told her that "pretending to be happy is normal". Those were my words. Therefore, you can see why I was confused.

Sorry about the snarky response. I thought you were taking a potshot at my marriage, and that is not okay by me.

Edited December 21, 2012 by caly

[rlogan 2,036]

Well, my mistake.

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why you were quoting Ontarkie since he/she was referring to the OP's Son and daughter in-law in that statement, and not the OP and her husband as you were doing. Furthermore, the OP never said her husband told her that "pretending to be happy is normal". Those were my words. Therefore, you can see why I was confused.

Sorry about the snarky response. I thought you were taking a potshot at my marriage, and that is not okay by me.

Oh, hey I understand better now. Partly my mistake too. I have a kind of stupid that is hard to beat.

Maybe we can bring it back to the OP's focus. She had a cry for help to the husband saying she wanted him to listen to her. Wanted some empathy. For me that would be a five alarm fire and I'd be pulling out all the stops to get that fire put out.

[islandbaby 1]

Hi Darnell,

Merry Christmas, I suggested that to my husband but the mother of the wife doesnt know vwhat compromise means . everyone should go around her time

and if not her daughter will have an arguement with his husband if they will not go to what her mother wanted them to do. and his husband will just follow

in order not argument to go farther.

Like we said we are the one bending back ward for them. I came from Philippines and in our family we know waht compromise means .. its alots. We usually celebrate christmas in our house everyone goes there after attending a mass afterwards we go to either one of the house of my sisters family.

Same thing in New Year . New years Eve is for each family home to celebrate then on following new years day in our house because .our cousins from my mother side will always visit us every new year. so there no stress about it. Its always like that . So when is experienced this kind of stress holidays is.. its losing its meaning when the people around you dont giveway for others its always all about them..

Thanks for reading.

uote name='Darnell' timestamp='1356040108' post='5882520']

My family dynamic is a bit different - I go to China for Thanksgiving week, christmas week till new years +2, chinese new year, and a coupla other holidays. I spend no time with MY family, solely because THEIR family dynamics are as strange as yours - always waiting, until about 10 years ago, without anyone giving hard commitments on time and timing. I usually visit with my Dad when I return from New Years, and on his birthday, and thats about it.

When I'm in China, I help out the older brothers with the cooking and steaming - no one cares when we're done as everyone is already in the house having fun with the visiting. Grandmother rules, of course - so we all defer to her and her scheduling, but I get some slack cause I'm the cute one. Or rather, I married the cute one

For your situation, though - trying to 'meet' everyone's schedule is a big problem when there's an extended family or even split families (an ex wife with children, for example) . My father's wife solved this about 10 years ago with setting up a swap schedule for Thanksgiving and Christmas, where each matriarch handles 60 percent of the cooking and the guests bring the rest, but it's a set time and no one is excused. It's been working well for them - perhaps you can suggest to your husband to suggest it nowish, to set up a swap schedule?

[islandbaby 1]

Merry Christmas,

You probably right , but tney have lots of friends for sure they can get an idea how to make the people in your house comfortable. My husband tried that option of telling them that it will be our turn for the next celebration but for some reason its change on the last minute. So we called them if there is anything we can do or to brings when we go to thier house. tbey always said no. we dont need to worry.

When i moved to USA , i teach myself how to live to their expectations and how they live, how to do all things myself and with the help of my husband.Im not a good hostess nor a good cook but i make sure that the people we invited in our house are comfortable in everyway. I just dont like being comfortable.

Is it possible that this couple is just not very good a getting things together. Maybe the wife feels frustrated and it is all too much for her to handle. She is a relatively new mom and wife, they may not have the skills yet for hosting. Also since it is last minute invites maybe they are waiting to see if you two are going to invite them to your place, and when they don't hear anything they feel like they have to put on the meal.

The one thing I have learn moving away from my family are the things I like I need to do it myself. I have no issues going to other ppls home to celebrate, but I will always have a nice family celebration at home with my Husband and kids. Everyone is always welcomed, sometimes ppl show sometimes they don't, but I still get to enjoy the holidays the way I like it.

Since you mentioned they already expect you over for Christmas, I would call (not your husband but you) and ask if they need any help getting set up, or to pick somethings up on the way over. Don't wait till you are on the way over. After the meal and everyone is relaxing (hopefully talking about the meal) mention how they have been working so hard the last few years with the Holiday meals that next year it is your turn. Then when next year comes around a week to two before Thanks giving call them up and remind them that it is your year and they are welcome to come over, then make your meal and enjoy. Same thing for Christmas.

My family has always done Christmas meals on both the 24 and 25th, so I do the same here.

Good luck

[islandbaby 1]

Thansk for the reply,

Holidays are meant to enjoy not endured. I experienced that during our first marriage and i love it. but not after that, guess my "family" is a dysfunstional family. that they wanted they get thwir ways all the time.

To the OP: I think the idea of alternating is a good one. Or I would suggest as Ontarkie did, to take the initiative and call ahead of time and say "Your Dad and I are planning Thanksgiving dinner this year and we'd love it if you guys came over". (insert whichever occasion) Honestly, I've stopped all the awkward Christmas family dinners, if I feel awkward I just don't go. I work hard and I want to enjoy my holidays, not stress out and be uncomfortable. I know you're trying to compromise as it's your new family etc, but holidays are meant to be enjoyed, not endured.