holidays stress

[islandbaby 1]

Hello guys!

Well i came here to write and maybe hear your side , opinion on my story. Im married for 4 yrs and seven month now ,i love my husband and i never knew that there is such feeling like what i have for him.,we get a long well , of course like most marriages there are times thats we argued about small things but patch things up and put it behind.

Im looking forward every holidays until 3 years ago.My first thanks giving was a blast cant complained about it. me and my husband prepared the dinner and eveything. I see my husband having fun cleaning the turkey which makes me smile and i handle the cooking of other stuff.We have his son and her girlfriend now wife over thanksgiving dinner. its was like a perfect family thanksgiving dinner for me and my husband it is.

Then came 2nd year thanksgiving. we didnt make plans because we,re waiting for his son if they have any plans on thanksgiving. His son him told him that his wife wanted to spent thanksgiving on her cousin , then her mother side and her father side. and his son wanted to spend thanksgiving in thier house with us and his family .His son told my husband that this is thier first thanskgiving as a family and his son doesnt want to go to different house all day and stay there for couple of hours.So his son said we 'll go to their house and wait for his wife to come home from all different relatives and we have dinner togethere. I didnt made any comment about it is just go with the flow.what makes my husband happy there i'll be. So we came to their house the wife is not yet there .my thinking its holiday we should see welcoming enviroment inside the house but nothing . no table settings and not even flower in tne house so my hubby and his son talk i just listen .then wife came home from the relatives that she visited not even a single word from her that she welcome us to their home.not even a single word.I dont know if my husband noticed it but i did.Came dinner time its just breaks my heart how they prepare the table its ruins my beautiful thoughts of thanksgiving.

They serve the food right from the pots and pan straight to the table! we even have to get our own plates pork and knife in the cabinet.There was a complete silence in the room.I loose my appetite but i try not my husband noticed it. finally we have to go thats the only time her daugther in law say a word. goodbye goodnight and thankyou.

Christmas morning with my husband was perfect.beautiful christmas morning. His son and family came to our house. i try my best to make them comfortable watch their favorite show on tv. i prepare the food. that they didnt touch they bring their own food which is fine with me. my thinking maybe thats how they celebrate christmas not unlike in the Philippines you're welcome to eat whatever food they serve is on the table.

Its the same thing happened on the following holidays we set aside our plan to see if we can celebrate thanksgiving with is son and his family. we waited and waited my husband is beginning to hate thanskgiving because of squeezing time to every relative you know .i told him that there should be compromised , everyone should take turn how to spend thanskgiving my husband agrees on what i said .last minute his son called saying that we'll spend thanksgiving with them.so went there its different now food serve on the table but the couple argues how to arrange the chair?!?!.the husband said it doesnt matter where they want to seat there are lots of chair they can seat wherever they want to seat his wife replied.' iwant the chair all on one side.' my husband and i looked at each other like whats going on in here?we pretend that we didnt hear anything. we waited till they already seated then we can seat next to each other. finally food is serve yay! food is good but the atmosphere isnt. on our way home my husband and i talked what just happened. he just said that that how they are they always argue.so i replied that they can argue but not infront of the family visitor and before meal. its just ruin the good feeling of thanksgiving.its all about being thankful and not aruing.

Same thankgiving we experienced on our third thanksgiving ,we plan but we set it aside as we are waiting for his son call if we're going to spend in their house.. my husband is already pissed on how we celebrate thanksgiving ,we bent over backward for his son and his family every holiday.last minute his son called telling us that we can spend time with them.i told my husband feels like i dont want to ge to thier house i didnt see and feel and holiday spirit there its just pulling my spirits down my husband i do feel the same way to .but we have to celebrate thanksgiving with them. so i said i will go with you beacuse this is what you wanted and makes you happy. when we walked on the drive way i can feel the ball of chain on my feet. you can feel the unwelcoming feeling even thru the driveway .its just sad.

Then just this thanskgiving same thing. we waited and waited for his son's call. we went to bed kiss goodnight. my husband said lets wait until tomorrow morning and we'll go from there please dont give up on me. my burst of emotion came out.i told my husband , i will never give up on you but i already give up your family , that this is not the kind of holiday im thinking of.for three years we never had a good holidays, we always set aside our plan for them.for three years we bent back for them, our holidays put on hold for three yearto give way to them im tired of it and i never had a good thanksgiving experienced when we are in thier house and i know you feel somewhat the same too. my husband said.what do you want me to do? i said. ' i just want you to listen to what im saying'...so we slept still in the air how are we going to celebrate thanksgiving.

Came Thanksgiving morning no calls no emails frm his son. still waiting until noon.I didnt say a word to my husband because i know how love to join his grandson on thanksgiving. Noon came and he said hon go pack some clothes and we're going out. i asked ' where?.. to reno my husband said. 'we're going to stay in reno for how long ? i asked. until monday hubby said . so i hurriedly put clothes in the suit . clean up. In my mind this is the best thanksgiving ever!

spend thanskgiving with my husband.no worris no drama .just love and love.

I love my husband to much and i feel guilty when i told him that i already give up his family he is my world. christmas time is coming. i dont feel like spending it with his son's house and they already had plan that we're going there. I dont want me and my husband to argue about me having tne thought of not going there where i know he looking forward spending time with his son and grandchild.

what will i do im torn between my own happiness and my husband's happiness. Should i go join my husband and pretend that im happy or pretend that im sick and i cant go with him?. please. give me your side of opinion. thanks ..

[caly 48]

Oh dear.. Sorry to hear that this has put a damper on your holiday spirit!

My husband would tell you that going to relatives for the holidays and pretending to be happy is 100% normal behaviour. He really does not look forward to these family dinners. Not a problem for me because I love his family!

All joking aside, family dynamics can be so icky sometimes, huh? Our holiday dinners with the in-laws this year have not been big events like they were last year. Some events have transpired so that the relationship between my mother-in-law and her daughter is quite rocky. At this point, mom has tried to make peace, but the daughter is not having any of it. Soooooo... family dinners this year have been just the in-laws, my husband and I.

so went there its different now food serve on the table but the couple argues how to arrange the chair?!?!.the husband said it doesnt matter where they want to seat there are lots of chair they can seat wherever they want to seat his wife replied.' iwant the chair all on one side.' my husband and i looked at each other like whats going on in here?we pretend that we didnt hear anything. we waited till they already seated then we can seat next to each other. finally food is serve yay! food is good but the atmosphere isnt. on our way home my husband and i talked what just happened. he just said that that how they are they always argue.so i replied that they can argue but not infront of the family visitor and before meal. its just ruin the good feeling of thanksgiving.its all about being thankful and not aruing.

From what you said, it sounds to me like you and your husband might have very different expectations than his son and his son's wife about what the holidays and holiday dinners should be like. Sounds a bit like you want the perfect family dinner where everyone is on their best behaviour (e.g. daughter in law is playing the perfect hostess).. while for son and his wife it seems like they just treat it like any other dinner.

FWIW, when we do dinners at the in-laws.. everyone serves themselves buffet style (from the pots and pans sometimes) because the table isn't big enough. That's just how big family dinners have been and always will be in his family.

Seems like the tone of holidays is already set now and I'm sure the son and his wife can feel the negative emotions you and your husband carry to these gatherings. Maybe Dad can talk to his son (communicate that it is difficult to never know what the plans are until the last minute etc..), see what's going on and if there's some way you can meet the other party halfway.

Or just go, knowing what's coming.. and pretend to be happy and be more open-minded about the fact that these holiday meals are just not a super special affair to the son and his wife like they may be to you.

[caly 48]

Also, I would suggest you take a few minutes and really think hard (and have your husband do this too!)... What is truly more important to you about the holidays? Time with your Son and Daughter in law and their child or how the meal is presented to you?

I hope you figure out the answers you are looking for!

[Sandra G. 5,048]

Talk to your husband that if he doesnt get any invitation one week or 5 days before thanksgiving you and him should plan to do something together In somewhere,and do not accept last minute invitation.I believe is very disrespectful. Every thanksgiving and Christmas we go to my in law house and I cook there 2 or 3 meals and she cooks as well.We start having wine together when still cooking,music playing in the house. We decorate the table very nice and we always have a great day together.

[islandbaby 1]

Oh dear.. Sorry to hear that this has put a damper on your holiday spirit!

My husband would tell you that going to relatives for the holidays and pretending to be happy is 100% normal behaviour. He really does not look forward to these family dinners. Not a problem for me because I love his family!

All joking aside, family dynamics can be so icky sometimes, huh? Our holiday dinners with the in-laws this year have not been big events like they were last year. Some events have transpired so that the relationship between my mother-in-law and her daughter is quite rocky. At this point, mom has tried to make peace, but the daughter is not having any of it. Soooooo... family dinners this year have been just the in-laws, my husband and I.

From what you said, it sounds to me like you and your husband might have very different expectations than his son and his son's wife about what the holidays and holiday dinners should be like. Sounds a bit like you want the perfect family dinner where everyone is on their best behaviour (e.g. daughter in law is playing the perfect hostess).. while for son and his wife it seems like they just treat it like any other dinner.

FWIW, when we do dinners at the in-laws.. everyone serves themselves buffet style (from the pots and pans sometimes) because the table isn't big enough. That's just how big family dinners have been and always will be in his family.

Seems like the tone of holidays is already set now and I'm sure the son and his wife can feel the negative emotions you and your husband carry to these gatherings. Maybe Dad can talk to his son (communicate that it is difficult to never know what the plans are until the last minute etc..), see what's going on and if there's some way you can meet the other party halfway.

Or just go, knowing what's coming.. and pretend to be happy and be more open-minded about the fact that these holiday meals are just not a super special affair to the son and his wife like they may be to you.

hi caly,

thanks for replying.you are right , me and my husband have the same thinking about thankgiving and holidays.that you make you friends and relative coming to your house feel welcome and comfortable as possible. and maybe different from his son's family. perfect holidays is when you feel you are welcome. decoration and the like are just secondary. its the feeling of having a family , you can laughed and be yourself no inhibitions what soever.

it doesnt matter if we eat in banana leaf as long as you feel the love it it.

My husband and i are the one who always bent backward so holidays would be stressfull for his son . we are the one who i think are the one who always meet halfway every time. its gets old. its kind a hard to set aside my own happines for the sake of my husband.

[islandbaby 1]

Talk to your husband that if he doesnt get any invitation one week or 5 days before thanksgiving you and him should plan to do something together In somewhere,and do not accept last minute invitation.I believe is very disrespectful. Every thanksgiving and Christmas we go to my in law house and I cook there 2 or 3 meals and she cooks as well.We start having wine together when still cooking,music playing in the house. We decorate the table very nice and we always have a great day together.

hi,

he already know about it. like i said we have plans but we are still waiting for a call from his son thats the one that irritates me. we put on hold till the ladt minute.. happy holiday.

[caly 48]

That's exactly what I meant when I said meet the other party halfway though.. Sounds like you and your husband are the ones who always end up giving in and shelving your plans at the last minute.

Maybe father and son can find a way to meet each other halfway. Either (as sandranj suggested) make it clear that only advance invitations of however predetermined days will be entertained, or having it at your house and their house every other year or something.. Some kind of arrangement that all sides can compromise on.

Trying not to stress his son out and giving in all the time is obviously stressing you and your husband out. I suggest honest and open communication with the son to make sure your needs are met as well. Who knows? Maybe it's simply never occurred to them that you have a problem with the current arrangements?

[rlogan 2,036]

If Holidays are stressful then you're doing them wrong.

hol·i·day

/ˈhäliˌdā/

Noun

A day of festivity or recreation when no work is done.

Suffering is not a Holiday.

[Darnell 8,478]

My family dynamic is a bit different - I go to China for Thanksgiving week, christmas week till new years +2, chinese new year, and a coupla other holidays. I spend no time with MY family, solely because THEIR family dynamics are as strange as yours - always waiting, until about 10 years ago, without anyone giving hard commitments on time and timing. I usually visit with my Dad when I return from New Years, and on his birthday, and thats about it.

When I'm in China, I help out the older brothers with the cooking and steaming - no one cares when we're done as everyone is already in the house having fun with the visiting. Grandmother rules, of course - so we all defer to her and her scheduling, but I get some slack cause I'm the cute one. Or rather, I married the cute one

For your situation, though - trying to 'meet' everyone's schedule is a big problem when there's an extended family or even split families (an ex wife with children, for example) . My father's wife solved this about 10 years ago with setting up a swap schedule for Thanksgiving and Christmas, where each matriarch handles 60 percent of the cooking and the guests bring the rest, but it's a set time and no one is excused. It's been working well for them - perhaps you can suggest to your husband to suggest it nowish, to set up a swap schedule?

Edited December 20, 2012 by Darnell

[Ontarkie 14,226]

Is it possible that this couple is just not very good a getting things together. Maybe the wife feels frustrated and it is all too much for her to handle. She is a relatively new mom and wife, they may not have the skills yet for hosting. Also since it is last minute invites maybe they are waiting to see if you two are going to invite them to your place, and when they don't hear anything they feel like they have to put on the meal.

The one thing I have learn moving away from my family are the things I like I need to do it myself. I have no issues going to other ppls home to celebrate, but I will always have a nice family celebration at home with my Husband and kids. Everyone is always welcomed, sometimes ppl show sometimes they don't, but I still get to enjoy the holidays the way I like it.

Since you mentioned they already expect you over for Christmas, I would call (not your husband but you) and ask if they need any help getting set up, or to pick somethings up on the way over. Don't wait till you are on the way over. After the meal and everyone is relaxing (hopefully talking about the meal) mention how they have been working so hard the last few years with the Holiday meals that next year it is your turn. Then when next year comes around a week to two before Thanks giving call them up and remind them that it is your year and they are welcome to come over, then make your meal and enjoy. Same thing for Christmas.

My family has always done Christmas meals on both the 24 and 25th, so I do the same here.

Good luck

Edited December 20, 2012 by Ontarkie

[rlogan 2,036]

Is it possible that this couple is just not very good a getting things together.

When the husband says that "pretending to be happy" is normal, then the husband is the problem. With respect to this marriage. He's got a dysfunctional family, but they aren't the problem between husband and wife.

The husband is telling the wife that she is expected to be unhappy and pretend to be happy. So fine, she needs to get a boyfriend that makes her happy and tell the husband that's perfectly normal. The husband needs to act appropriately and pretend he's happy about it.

[JensJrny2Ray 367]

To the OP: I think the idea of alternating is a good one. Or I would suggest as Ontarkie did, to take the initiative and call ahead of time and say "Your Dad and I are planning Thanksgiving dinner this year and we'd love it if you guys came over". (insert whichever occasion) Honestly, I've stopped all the awkward Christmas family dinners, if I feel awkward I just don't go. I work hard and I want to enjoy my holidays, not stress out and be uncomfortable. I know you're trying to compromise as it's your new family etc, but holidays are meant to be enjoyed, not endured.

[caly 48]

When the husband says that "pretending to be happy" is normal, then the husband is the problem. With respect to this marriage. He's got a dysfunctional family, but they aren't the problem between husband and wife.

The husband is telling the wife that she is expected to be unhappy and pretend to be happy. So fine, she needs to get a boyfriend that makes her happy and tell the husband that's perfectly normal. The husband needs to act appropriately and pretend he's happy about it.

Seriously? It was meant to be a joke. Your response and strange fixation on this one sentence of my reply is not helpful to the OP's question. Also, your response doesn't even make sense and is like comparing apples to oranges.

I do agree that Ontarkie has made a very viable suggestion though!

Edited December 21, 2012 by caly

[X Factor 1,112]

Just treat the holidays like a normal day. Then there is no stress

[rlogan 2,036]

Seriously? It was meant to be a joke. Your response and strange fixation on this one sentence of my reply is not helpful to the OP's question. Also, your response doesn't even make sense and is like comparing apples to oranges.

I do agree that Ontarkie has made a very viable suggestion though!

Fixation? ####### - I didn't even respond to you. That's why it doesn't quote you. I quoted Ontarkie, who picked out something important.

YEARS have gone by with the husband failing her on something pretty basic. It was tongue in cheek to offer up that she should return the favor by getting a boyfriend and telling him to pretend to be happy.