just a question...

[erikalovescrippy 1]

One of the most common things people tell me when i explain my long distance relationship situation is "you have never spent large amounts of time with him, how do you know things are gonna work out when you finally get to live together"......does anybody else hear this from people too??....i get the whole soulmate/true love/meant to be together stuff but does anybody have the conversation of "what happens if this doesn't work out"...now before anybody starts with the "if your saying that already then somethings wrong" comments, these kinda questions are legitimate stuff to consider.....thanks for reading..please no a**holey comments..thanks..

[TBoneTX 45,312]

*** Thread moved from K-1 Process forum to Off Topic forum -- topic not about a specific visa process. ***

[Apapaia 25]

Hehe, you sound just like me 1 year ago. Before getting married I had a 2 years long long distance relationship and before even starting the relationship, we hadn't met for 2 years. Everyone would always ask the same questions. Well I had a theory and that's what I would always tell them: "I had a boyfriend, we were living in the same neighborhood and we were together for 4 years. In the end he cheated on me, he was abusive and the relationship ended after 4 years. Short distance just makes things easier but doesn't assure you that the person next to you is loyal or loves you more than anything or that will never leave you so why not trying long distance relationship if that person far away seems to be a perfect match for me?". Did they understand? No. Has anyone ever said anything at all to encourage me to go on with that? Absolutely not. I actually had a lot of people discouraging me and tell me to just quit and if I wanted to be with someone to be with someone closer to where I lived.

In my opinion nobody knows if any relationship is going to last and you're the only one that knows if the whole thing is worth the hassle.

Anyways good luck with your long distance relationship

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I think a lot of us have had to deal with that question. Basically, for me, the answer was "I don't know it is going to work out. Just like I didn't know whether any of the other relationships I was in through my life would work or not. No one can 'know'. What I can do, and what we will do (and are doing) is promise to do our best to work on our relationship every day. We are two separate people and it is always a challenge to bring together two personalities, especially when you add in different backgrounds. Love goes a long way to helping you overcome some of the challenges; commitment to the relationship goes a long way; and being generous with your partner, treating them with respect, treating yourself with respect and treating the relationship with respect will help take it the rest of the way. No relationship comes with guarantees. I just know that I am going to do my best to make this one work, and if it doesn't it won't be for lack of trying. That's all any of us can promise - including the people asking you that question.

[kate&javi 26]

My mom was, at one point, convinced that my husband was using me for a green card and asked me how I could guarantee that he wasn't doing that. The difference, I guess, is that I was actually living overseas with him and she asked me that during my Christmas trip home. I told her that I couldn't guarantee that, but since I knew him well enough, I knew that he wasn't using me for that. I think, unfortuately, people hear a lot of stories about overseas relationships going bad, i.e. the immigrant using the USC for a green card, so sometimes it's hard to focus on all of the thousands or relationships that are true, honest and going stronger than ever. There are absolutely no guarantees in life, when we fall in love, we fall in love with our hearts. My family never met my husband until he came to the USA with his K-1 visa in hand, and they love him just like they would any other member of the family.

[Juliet and Steve 93]

though,i never thought of that...i was just being silly by asking that same question to my fiance once...

and he answered me.." that's why we have 90 days to get married when you get here...that means we can get to know each other for 60 days or more and then decide to get married if our relationship seems to work..."that's why a couple should have goals for the future and that both have agreed to whatever they think is good for them...but both also have trust each other..

we can never tell, but i never think that ours is not gonna work...i am always positive of everything, i believe that our relationship is genuine and what i feel for him is real...

[Kathryn41 3,205]

though,i never thought of that...i was just being silly by asking that same question to my fiance once...

and he answered me.." that's why we have 90 days to get married when you get here...that means we can get to know each other for 60 days or more and then decide to get married if our relationship seems to work..."that's why a couple should have goals for the future and that both have agreed to whatever they think is good for them...but both also have trust each other..

we can never tell, but i never think that ours is not gonna work...i am always positive of everything, i believe that our relationship is genuine and what i feel for him is real...

Actually, you might want to 'correct' your fiance on that. The 90 days isn't a 'getting to know you' option. You are expected to have already reached that point in your relationship that you know you wish to marry, and submitted statements of intent that you will marry when you get to the US. The 90 days is to allow time to plan and complete a wedding - not 'see if we get along and then decide to marry'. Of course, it could be that during those 90 days the two of you decide that it isn't going to work and you break up and do not marry afterall. Relationships do go through that, but the K-1 visa is not a 'trial run'. It is expected to be the 'real thing'.

[Juliet and Steve 93]

Actually, you might want to 'correct' your fiance on that. The 90 days isn't a 'getting to know you' option. You are expected to have already reached that point in your relationship that you know you wish to marry, and submitted statements of intent that you will marry when you get to the US. The 90 days is to allow time to plan and complete a wedding - not 'see if we get along and then decide to marry'. Of course, it could be that during those 90 days the two of you decide that it isn't going to work and you break up and do not marry afterall. Relationships do go through that, but the K-1 visa is not a 'trial run'. It is expected to be the 'real thing'.

The question was "What happens if this doesn't work out?Referring to their "long distance relationship,after having all the paperworks done". As many people say, you can never really know somebody until you live with him /her on same roof.Though, a good couple can manage to settle things between them if something goes wrong in that 90 days or even after they got married.To marry somebody is not just about marriage.Its a lifetime commitment.

[Vicomi 31]

Strange thing, I don't get asked that question much. I suppose because I talk about him as much as the girls at work chat about their husbands or bf's.

Before our engagement I noticed some people referred to him as "your friend" and did not seem to think our relationship was legit because of the distance and despite the regular visits we made to each other for two years! One or two even tried to set me up on blind dates A few questioned how we could be faithful to each other

How did I deal with it? Early on I stopped trying to justify our relationship to others... what do they know, anyway. My fiance and I have faith that all will be well with us even though everyday won't be moonshine and roses. We are realistic about the difficulties we may face and we have candid discussions about how we'll deal with those challenges when they arise. We're not sweating about our future too much but we're committed to do our best to make things work.

If it does not work out (God Forbid): I'll cry, grieve, reflect, turn to family & friends for sympathy and shoulders to cry on. Then after while, I'll pick myself up, dry my tears, wipe away the snot, pull myself together, pack my bags, head back to London, return to my job and continue to travel the world.

[panamania79 2]

One of the most common things people tell me when i explain my long distance relationship situation is "you have never spent large amounts of time with him, how do you know things are gonna work out when you finally get to live together"......does anybody else hear this from people too??....i get the whole soulmate/true love/meant to be together stuff but does anybody have the conversation of "what happens if this doesn't work out"...now before anybody starts with the "if your saying that already then somethings wrong" comments, these kinda questions are legitimate stuff to consider.....thanks for reading..please no a**holey comments..thanks..

I used to get those comments all the time along with worse comments like "he's having sex with other women and he's just using you!"

[spookyturtle 9,466]

I used to get those comments all the time along with worse comments like "he's having sex with other women and he's just using you!"

NM. I just saw your other thread. I'm sorry to hear that.

Edited December 16, 2012 by spookyturtle

[rlogan 2,036]

One of the most common things people tell me when i explain my long distance relationship situation is "you have never spent large amounts of time with him, how do you know things are gonna work out when you finally get to live together"......does anybody else hear this from people too??....i get the whole soulmate/true love/meant to be together stuff but does anybody have the conversation of "what happens if this doesn't work out"...now before anybody starts with the "if your saying that already then somethings wrong" comments, these kinda questions are legitimate stuff to consider.....thanks for reading..please no a**holey comments..thanks..

You have to understand that any such line of questioning from other people is rarely sincere, but rather just an opportunity to "invalidate" your relationship. People can pick any old thing, like age difference, cultural difference, religion, weather, language - and demand that you justify your relationship in light of these differences.

There can never be an answer to satisfy them because they have no intention of being satisfied. It is just a way to put you on the spot and make you feel inferior to them. So a more appropriate response is "I don't answer to you". Or "Who made you the judge of me".

If it is a question that you are asking of yourself or that your fiance has then of course it is reasonble to consider. An Americano can't just give his fiance from the third world the boot and say "get lost"... he has an obligation in my ever humble but infallible opinion to help her in getting her life back in order. If they are well off financially then there is less need for that kind of help but still an obligation to make it as easy on them as possilble.

How can anyone know they are not going to get hit by a bus tomorrow and die. It's a stupid rhetorical question.

Edited December 16, 2012 by rlogan

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I explained to people that the 5 hours a day that we actually spent talking were way more than most couples get to do and the activities of life can distract you from really getting that much time to just talk. We definitely talk way less than that now that we live together or maybe we just know everything about each other now.

People would make some comments but it is easy to just cut them down with "I don't believe in living together before marriage really anyways."

Oh, our relationship has been amazing since we are actually in person, more amazing than I could have ever dreamed.

Edited December 16, 2012 by Nola123

[hikergirl 277]

I tell them that because we are apart we talk way more to each other than close-distance couples and that the distance is actually good in that we are forced to take things slower. We have already had conversations on how we are going to deal with finances, what our goals are going to be as a couple, our bucket lists, etc.

Personally I feel that because we have already had all of these conversations and have our directions set out and can communicate well we have a better shot than a close-distance couple. Especially the whirlwind romance ones.