stuck in a rut and don't know what to do

[pieroot 43]

If you trully love your husband, then help him sort his finances (IRS bill isn't that much in my opinion) and the driver's license thing (just go to the Dept of motor vehicles with him and find out why his license was suspended). I mean I think that it's a rut, like you said, and when you're in a relationship, you stick through it and there will be better times for you guys. Not everyone gets along with their in-laws, oh well, that's life. But don't throw your marriage away b/c of that only. Encourage your husband to take care of his finances and then after you adjust your status and get a job, then you guys will be able to get out on your own. Good luck!

[parristracy 0]

Thank you all for your very honest feedback, I turly appreciate them, I have been doing some sole searching.

I am not going to just give up on my marriage and run away. I am going to fight this,. My husband is now very upset that I have reach out to a couple of his friends for help, of course you know that I do not have any friends in this state where we live, so automatically his friends became my friends as well.

My husband has a serious problem in telling the truth, and apparently , he has been lying to all his friends about our living situation. He did not want them to know that he is married and still living at home with his mother, sister, Grandmother and niece. I let the cat out of the bag and came to find out that he told his friend we were living in our own rented apartment. Mind you, my husband has his own house that his grandfather left for him when he died. The house needs a lot of work to make it livable. I told my husband to fix the house up and rent it out if he does not want to live in that neighbourhood.... he has done nothing to it...

I ask his mother to talk to him, because he is weak and need some help but she just sits back and let him live the way he is living. Contented with the few dollars he gives her when he feels like it. And continuing to lie and defend his character... but then I am the one who is to blame because I want more out of life for us. Then she come to me and ask for money to help with bills , but she can not ask her grown ..ss married son.

But you know what I am going to try and help him because I love him... my question is, can I move out and rent an apartment on my own if I do not have a ssn , I have a us bank account and a valid foreign passport with my USA visa in it. My i95 is the only thing that has expired. Also can I be the one to pay his taxes for him, and what would I need to go about doing that. ?

I am hoping that if he realise I am making it on my own that he would come around and see my way. I do not work but I have a jewelry business that my sister runs and I just make the jewelry, so I can afford to rent someplace and handle his taxes. But if I leave will this affect my GC application? I would not be technically leaving my husband but leaving the situation to make a better one.

Thanks again for all of your valued comments.

[aaydrian 479]

1)It is not necessarily that your husband has an honesty problem but instead that he doesn't want anyone to know he's either married, married to you or he just simply doesn't want people to know his business.

2)To get him around to the idea of doing anything positive/progressive you may need to start asking him what can we do to push our life in a better direction? What can we do to to get your house rent ready?

3)I hope you aren't telling your husband or his mother that he's weak. Hearing those types of adjectives can seriously discourage people or dampen their excitement for anything like doing extra shifts to gain money to put towards your AOS.

4)At this time you don't have to be a legal immigrant to rent an apartment. If the landlord only cares about on time rent then that space is yours.

5)Yes you can pay what he owes in taxes. Just check out professionals that offer tax services eg H&R Block.

6)Moving will cause a problem if your husband doesn't live with you and make it his official address. Reason? The evidence that you would submit will have varying addresses and this tells a different story than what you would be trying to convince your interviewer. Pretty much why are you married but living separately? Also if you get a Stokes interview and the interviewer feels this is a marriage for immigration purposes, they will make unexpected house visits and what will you tell them when they find out your husband isn't living there? Or if they speak to your husband's friends and family and they say they don't know about you guys being married?

What you need to do is find out if your husband wants to stay married to you, what you can do to improve the health of your marriage and what you guys need to do to make your status legal.

PS. Keep in mind in-laws aren't apart of your marriage so they are not worth the stress and problems if the are negatively affecting your marriage.

Edited December 10, 2012 by aaydrian

[rlogan 2,036]

I am not going to just give up on my marriage and run away.

The wording "run away" is not a very good choice when it is facing up to the truth and making wise decisions about your future. Running out of a burning building is not cowardice. It is common sense. Staying in the fire to prove your committment to the house is not wise.

My husband is now very upset that I have reach out to a couple of his friends for help, of course you know that I do not have any friends in this state where we live, so automatically his friends became my friends as well.

Abusive people become angry and punish you when their lies are exposed or you attempt to step outside their control. This is proof of his abusive nature. Decent people who get caught in lies because of misjudgement confess and apologize to everyone concerned. A bad person blames the victim.

My husband has a serious problem in telling the truth, and apparently , he has been lying to all his friends about our living situation. He did not want them to know that he is married and still living at home with his mother, sister, Grandmother and niece. I let the cat out of the bag and came to find out that he told his friend we were living in our own rented apartment. Mind you, my husband has his own house that his grandfather left for him when he died. The house needs a lot of work to make it livable. I told my husband to fix the house up and rent it out if he does not want to live in that neighbourhood.... he has done nothing to it...

Then the problem is worse than you know. Because there will be more lies you don't know about.

I ask his mother to talk to him, because he is weak and need some help but she just sits back and let him live the way he is living. Contented with the few dollars he gives her when he feels like it. And continuing to lie and defend his character... but then I am the one who is to blame because I want more out of life for us. Then she come to me and ask for money to help with bills , but she can not ask her grown ..ss married son.

This is a demonstration he was trained in a dysfunctional family and the problem is more severe than you appreciate. You can't fix him. Only he can fix himself.

But you know what I am going to try and help him because I love him... my question is, can I move out and rent an apartment on my own if I do not have a ssn , I have a us bank account and a valid foreign passport with my USA visa in it. My i95 is the only thing that has expired. Also can I be the one to pay his taxes for him, and what would I need to go about doing that. ?

You are going down the road of immigration fraud out of a delusion that your relationship is bona-fide when it is clearly not. Immigration is going to see you living on your own which is by definition not a marriage relationship. Pair that with coming in on the B-2 visa, overstaying, living apart, then trying to adjust status on the basis of a bona-fide marriage... and it looks like fraud.

I would not be technically leaving my husband but leaving the situation to make a better one.

This is called "rationalization", something people do when they are not willing to admit the truth. The problem is that USCIS hires people with eyes that can see. So when you tell them not to trust their lying eyes and to believe the words coming out of your mouth instead - they conclude you are lying to an officer of the government for the purpose of immigration fraud.

Yes you would be technically leaving your husband. Paying his tax debt, which is not your responsibility, is called "enabling". You are rewarding his bad behavior by rescuing him from the consequences.

You are following a classic manipulator timeline: He lies to you and is Mr. Perfect when you meet, rushing into a relationship without knowing his "true colors" as you put it, and then killing yourself trying to work hard overcoming his character defects. If he had first met you and said "Hello, I'm a relentless liar, I lost my license from drunk driving but I continue to drive illegally every DAY, I owe thousands in back-taxes, you can give me a house and I'm so stupid I won't even live in it or rent it out... how about marrying me. I'm your dream husband."

You would not have given him the time of day. But instead he presented a false image and you fell in love with that false image. So now you are so delusional in your thinking that after already skirting the law with seeing a fiance on a B-2 visa and overstaying, you are trying to go even further by leaving him and then telling USCIS that you have a bona-fide relationship.

I am sorry for your troubles. But you cannot deceive immigration, and that's exactly how they are going to look at this. It will end up much worse for you than being broke from paying his taxes, realizing what a scoundrel he is, and being banned from immigration because you made bad decisions. A good man would never have put you in this position in the first place and the fact that he has means he is no good for your future.

Edited December 10, 2012 by rlogan

[parristracy 0]

So what should I do then, stay in the USA undocumented, go back home and start my life all over again, I am so lost right now. I wish I could just press a rewind button and go back to 2009.

My husband just text me and said I betrayed him for telling all his friends about our problems. I can't deal with this. Its to much. I need to be happy again.

Thanks everyone for all you help... not sure what my next move is now, but I will keep you posted.

Thank you Visajourney .

[InHisTime 110]

So what should I do then, stay in the USA undocumented, go back home and start my life all over again, I am so lost right now. I wish I could just press a rewind button and go back to 2009.

My husband just text me and said I betrayed him for telling all his friends about our problems. I can't deal with this. Its to much. I need to be happy again.

Thanks everyone for all you help... not sure what my next move is now, but I will keep you posted.

Thank you Visajourney .

Hi there! Sorry for what happened to you. I think your husband doesn't deserve you. Life is too short to stay with the kind of relationship you have. It's not worth it. I don't know if you could file a divorce there. You will be illegal in the US without the approved paperwork. And reading your stories, it's really not worth fighting for. If I am you, I would be happy to come home and have a peaceful life. In time you will recover and would find true love. Have faith....God is good.

By the way, I was in your situation before, but, in my case, I didn't marry. The moment I noticed there was something wrong just few days I arrived in the US thru K-1 Visa, I really prayed to God to help me. I was in love very much but I don't want my life to be miserable. I'm a very patient woman but I cannot continue to take it. Like you I was also staying with his mother. At the beginning I thought she was nice as I was talking to her before I went to the states. But everything changed and she was a mean person to me. Always looking for mistakes on me. Maybe she don't want her son to marry me and she tried everything to ruin our relationship by inventing stories not true. It was so hard for me as I don't have friends and family near where I could go and express what I feel. I felt so homesick, scared, and all I just want was to come home as I was not happy there. I didn't marry though we already have applied for a marriage license. My Fiance that time was really confused as every time he hears negative feedback or lies from his mom. In the Philippines, we have a strong culture on how we care and respect for our parents and elders. So I just thought it would be best to come home because it wasn't worth at all. I don't want them to be fighting about me. My fiance is the one caring his mom and they are just so attached to one another. I think there were times my Fiance believed on his mom as he was acting so strange sometimes to me.

Thank God we didn't marry that soon or else I would be like you. But, in fairness, my Fiance is not like your husband the way you tell here. He is a nice man but just so hard for me as he has a very controlling mom.

Now, I'm better....having peace-- this is the most important to me! America is not important to me at all, of course, I love it there! It's a wonderful country!

I'm back to my nice job and life which I left before coming to the states. Our country is nice too....as long you work hard everything is good from weather, foods, people, etc.... I thank God for helping me getting back on my feet.

I hope you would be strong....love yourself and be happy. We only have one life to live. Live it without regrets! God bless you!

[rlogan 2,036]

So what should I do then, stay in the USA undocumented, go back home and start my life all over again, I am so lost right now. I wish I could just press a rewind button and go back to 2009.

Staying here undocumented just makes it worse. We have compassion for your feelings. Of course you feel bad.

My husband just text me and said I betrayed him for telling all his friends about our problems. I can't deal with this. Its to much. I need to be happy again.

This is what the future holds for you with him. He's not going to stop lying so every time you are forced to deal with those lies you will be called the traitor. Hey, let's say he hits someone while driving without a license and he needs you to commit a felony for him to lie about whether he was driving. You are already watching him commit a crime every time he gets behind the wheel. Is that fair to you?

This is the omnipresent problem with liars: discovering the lie always puts you in the position where doing the "good" thing for them is always a bad thing for you. It's always a crisis situation where you anguish over what to do. You can't even mention where you live to someone without such crises. What kind of life is that with these land mines to step on. You don't even know what else is out there to discover.