Heartbroken, she left me

[Caryh 5,206]

I certainly understand that description of it, and it can be used exactly like your explanation. When you're dealing with a woman like you described, she would be referred to as maldita, which most Filipina would want to avoid. Basically you're simplifying it, which is exactly what the OP was doing with his wife. Tampo really does have a system of balance when its rules are followed. It is a good system of maintaining harmony in a society where open conflict is discouraged because people must live so closely together and depend on each other. But it certainly has the bad side of ignoring rather than resolving issues. If is was only a negative action, like your explanation suggests, it would not be the common behavior as it is in Filipino culture.

You're misunderstanding what tampo is. It's childish behaviour of sulking and acting like a spoilt brat until the other person apologises, and other behaviours as rlogan linked. Tampo is supposed to be "fixed" by the other party rewarding the sulking child with love and affection. Thus rewarding this bad behaviour. Rather than discusses problems like adults, it's a really dysfunctional way of resolving conflict because conflict isn't resolved. It's basically making the person who uses tampo the boss in the relationship. Do what they want or be subject to tampo. This is typically the woman so the woman uses it to control her man while letting him think he's the boss. As long as she gets her way everything is great, but don't, and watch out.

[rlogan 2,036]

There is an enormous difference between expressing hostility through the silent treatment and keeping your voice down in order to calm tensions. People who rationalize tampo are pulling the bait-and-switch: assigning the wrong motivations to tampo in order to justify it.

In terms of evolutionary cultural adaptation it is better understood as classic guerilla warfare. The weaker side is extremely foolish to take on the stronger side in an open field of battle. Elementary guerilla warfare is to conceal, to stalk silently, to strike at the soft underbelly of the enemy with the little daggar instead of beating on his heavy armor in vain. So you work the emotions of sympathy, guilt, witholding of affection etc. instead of screaming at the guy who can crush you in one blow.

When you scream at your husband where close neighbors can hear, they're also going to say that you've got what is coming to you. Silence conceals your aggression and poses you as the victim in the court of public opinion. It is all so understandable, yet remains inferior to viewing relationships as a team instead of being adversaries.

[rade2rising 205]

great comparison riogan

its really crazy when you think you are marrying woman of your dreams only to get a guerilla fighter in disguise

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

great comparison riogan

its really crazy when you think you are marrying woman of your dreams only to get a guerilla fighter in disguise

Well said.

[innah 1]

move on=(

[Artisan 138]

Tampo really does have a system of balance when its rules are followed. It is a good system of maintaining harmony in a society where open conflict is discouraged because people must live so closely together and depend on each other.

This is exactly why many Fil-Am relationships fail. Westerners and Asians as a whole see the world in two vastly different ways and most Western men refuse to, or are incapable of, change in regards to how they interact with their family and the outside world. To each their own though. I don't begrudge men who enjoy their 'Americanized' wives, I am just happy that I married a woman who prefers her Filipino way of life and all that that entails. I guess what really makes me question the whole situation is why would you bother marrying a woman from the other side of the world when in the end you just encourage her to act and behave just like every other woman you could have met locally?

[rlogan 2,036]

This is exactly why many Fil-Am relationships fail. Westerners and Asians as a whole see the world in two vastly different ways and most Western men refuse to, or are incapable of, change in regards to how they interact with their family and the outside world. To each their own though. I don't begrudge men who enjoy their 'Americanized' wives, I am just happy that I married a woman who prefers her Filipino way of life and all that that entails. I guess what really makes me question the whole situation is why would you bother marrying a woman from the other side of the world when in the end you just encourage her to act and behave just like every other woman you could have met locally?

Hilarious. Nominated for most sweeping over-generalization, stereotyped strawman at VisaJourney.

News flash: we're all individuals with widely varying personalities. Filipina women, like all people, cannot be reduced to this ridiculous one-dimensional facet. (Filipinas are all Tampo, only Tampo, and nothing but Tampo).

Study up on your English too, buddy - "begrudge" means to give reluctantly or resentfully - and you sure look reluctant and have resentment over people running their relationships the way they see best for themselves. A Filipina without Tampo is not "Americanized". Sheesh. As if that were the entire scope of American culture.

Who are you to ask any of us to justify to your highness why we married our spouses?

[Caryh 5,206]

I like my wife's Filipino ways, but tampo is certainly not one I like. I understand it very well, but understanding and liking are totally separate things. My wife's tampo habit is something she is working on getting rid of. Its essentially evolving to be a quite time for her to figure out why she is upset and then we can discuss it calmly. I understand how it is properly used in Filipino culture and work ok, and I've seen it be very destructive in the Philippines to. But I don't see tampo as working very well in a Fil/West relationship. Its just not a practice that is healthy for a relationship with the average American. Calmly discussing issues works so much better than ignoring them, or trying to get your way by withholding attention.

But it still means you need to be aware of a Filipina and tampo and find a way to remove it from her habits if its a behavior she learned in her family. Then you're probably going to have to work to teach her to learn to express those feelings instead, where she's spent a life time learning to ignore them by withdrawing inward. I would have loved if tampo was never practiced in my wife's family. But I accept her as the individual she is, and we're both working on being better individuals and a better married couple.

Hilarious. Nominated for most sweeping over-generalization, stereotyped strawman at VisaJourney.

News flash: we're all individuals with widely varying personalities. Filipina women, like all people, cannot be reduced to this ridiculous one-dimensional facet. (Filipinas are all Tampo, only Tampo, and nothing but Tampo).

Study up on your English too, buddy - "begrudge" means to give reluctantly or resentfully - and you sure look reluctant and have resentment over people running their relationships the way they see best for themselves. A Filipina without Tampo is not "Americanized". Sheesh. As if that were the entire scope of American culture.

Who are you to ask any of us to justify to your highness why we married our spouses?

Edited December 14, 2012 by Caryh

[rade2rising 205]

Artisan is correct in his beliefs but should not be forcing others to drink the kool aid. Relax buddy not everyone can agree with your view points.

[Artisan 138]

Hilarious. Nominated for most sweeping over-generalization, stereotyped strawman at VisaJourney.

News flash: we're all individuals with widely varying personalities. Filipina women, like all people, cannot be reduced to this ridiculous one-dimensional facet. (Filipinas are all Tampo, only Tampo, and nothing but Tampo).

Study up on your English too, buddy - "begrudge" means to give reluctantly or resentfully - and you sure look reluctant and have resentment over people running their relationships the way they see best for themselves. A Filipina without Tampo is not "Americanized". Sheesh. As if that were the entire scope of American culture.

Who are you to ask any of us to justify to your highness why we married our spouses?

Cute personal attack on my proper use of English. Just because you think I may harbor feelings of ill-will towards others doesn't make your opinions or observations correct. My usage of the word begrudge was grammatically and definitively used correctly in the context of my sentence. I would politely request you put me on ignore as I have now done to you so we can both avoid further pointless conversation.

As for my question, I don't care one whit about why you or anyone married a Filipina. My question was rhetorical and was made specifically to address the rather odd idea that someone would get married to someone then attempt to change what may be a core aspect of their behavior when it comes to conflict management. The OP received far too much sympathy in my opinion and I felt the need to address that issue, what other's (and most especially you rlogan) think of my opinion is meaningless.

[lovelovelove13 9]

Getting her back is ridiculous. Instead of wasting your time and money to someone who is obviously just using/used you why don't you start the process of divorce and protect not just your assets but also your pride? Sorry for the word but you have to accept the fact that she just used you to get what she want. Wake up man!

[Tarumba 9]

Yes, get an infopass and write a letter showing your formal intent of withdrawing the petition, even if it's late.

Also OP, please talk to your therapist if you are feeling down. Depression is no joke and events like these can trigger many negative thoughts.

Also please note: If you truly did not abuse her and her accusations are lies, do not take this personally. It sounds counter-intuitive but this has nothing to do with you. This is all about her and her desire to use people to move to the US, even if that means lying and hurting. Your depression will make you feel like you deserve this f*ckery or that it's all your fault. It's not. She had this plan, she would have done it with anyone. It isn't your fault. The only thing you did was trust the person you love and then trust the person you married. Both those things are reasonable and right. Seriously, don't let this get you down. Don't let this affect how you see yourself, because that is the beginning of the slippery slope of depression.

If you did abuse her, then understand her actions, respect her decision to move on and work on improving your temper.

Either way, take care of yourself. Make sure that even if you are (very understandably) sad, you eat healthy, do excessive, watch funny movies and surround yourself with people who love you. Love yourself above all, even in sadness you must love and appreciate yourself. Don't let the depression gain any territory on you.

Send me a message if you need to talk. I have had serious depression issues too and I understand how despairing it can be. I am rooting for you here.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Tarumba

[rlogan 2,036]

Cute personal attack on my proper use of English.

Improper use of English is by definition no personal attack.

My usage of the word begrudge was grammatically and definitively used correctly in the context of my sentence.

It was incorrectly used in the context of your post. If you did not begrudge people anything then you would be cheerfully encouraging and approving instead of "questioning the whole thing".

Typical manipulative double-talk is to deny the very thing you are doing while doing it. Here is another perfect example of the same thing:

As for my question, I don't care one whit about why you or anyone married a Filipina. My question was rhetorical and was made specifically to address the rather odd idea that someone would get married to someone then attempt to change what may be a core aspect of their behavior when it comes to conflict management.

If you didn't care then you wouldn't be devoting so much energy at saying how "odd" it is, questioning people's entire relationship on the basis of this single facet, and asserting this is why Fil-Am marriages fail.

You like tampo. No big deal. Works for you. See how easy it is to not force your point of view on others?

[hellINTIM 9]

Move on but If i am were im not going to divorce her.

I will let her to divorce you bcoz thats what she want. dont spend money to divorce her... let her to kiss ur #### to sign the divorce paper... she cant ask for financial support coz u dont have kid to her.. in terms of property and everything.. if u can prove that u buy those things before ur marriage she cant get it....

be smart.. dont let the girl eat ur loving heart and loose everything...

Edited December 22, 2012 by .MythaG-

[M -and- A 3]

OP's post reminds me of a truly tasteless joke:

Do you know what all battered women have in common?

They don't listen!