Heartbroken, she left me

[rade2rising 205]

you guys get off the dude he didnt go anything wrong. he just tried to get married and live a happy life. Instead he got hosed real good. A hard lesson learned. No need to tell him he is dumb and a nut job on top of all that.

NewYorkGuy I feel your pain dude but in the end you will not be together so try your best to get to the conclusion in a hurry. It will save alot of heartache.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

you guys get off the dude he didnt go anything wrong. he just tried to get married and live a happy life. Instead he got hosed real good. A hard lesson learned. No need to tell him he is dumb and a nut job on top of all that.

NewYorkGuy I feel your pain dude but in the end you will not be together so try your best to get to the conclusion in a hurry. It will save alot of heartache.

Thumbs up.

[Artisan 138]

you guys get off the dude he didnt go anything wrong. he just tried to get married and live a happy life. Instead he got hosed real good. A hard lesson learned. No need to tell him he is dumb and a nut job on top of all that.

That is a load of horse manure. He married a woman almost young enough to be his daughter (a 17 year age difference) without understanding anything about her or her culture. His outbursts and confrontations made the matter worse and instead of being an adult about it, he tells her to leave if she wants and then he broods about how life is unfair. He's mentally unstable and should first be looking to care for himself. She showed none of the signs of true fraud by having plans set in motion the moment she landed and even tried to stay with his family to allow the OP time to resolve the situation in an appropriate manner. He didn't get 'hosed'. He should have learned from all of this that his behavior towards the woman was inappropriate, his choice to marry a Filipina is likely based on a male fantasy and not a love or appreciation of the woman herself or her culture, and that he needs to set his own house in order before trying to settle down again.

She could have cleaned him out of house and home. She could have filed rape or domestic abuse charges (even if there was no evidence the charge itself is devastating) for even better results, but all she did was leave after he told her to go if she wanted. She ended up at a community center that likely put her in touch with a women's shelter which is where she would have been instructed to ditch her phone and avoid all contact with him. He likely can't contact her because those are the rules enforced by women's shelters and not because she is ignoring him.

[rade2rising 205]

hey he marry younger woman yea but guess what she married HIM too. no one held a gun to her head and made her marry him. she had a plan all along cant you see this???

[Artisan 138]

hey he marry younger woman yea but guess what she married HIM too. no one held a gun to her head and made her marry him. she had a plan all along cant you see this???

So only he can be disappointed in the resulting marriage? What was he expecting? That only HE could call it quits if the marriage was a mess? She was facing a life with a man that hid his true face for at least five years. Her plan was likely to be a good wife to a man that treated her with respect and didn't use her for an emotional punching bag. When that didn't work out she did EXACTLY what she was instructed to do by the government of the Philippines. In order to be allowed to leave the Philippines everyone is required to attend a CFO seminar at which women are told many horror stories of how foreign men treat women overseas. They are given the phone numbers for local support agencies and told that if they ever feel that they are in danger, victims of abuse, or otherwise find themselves in trouble they are to use the many resources made available to them.

If he had actually any real understanding of Filipino culture he'd have known she was tampo and that lambing was required to soothe the situation after a cooling-off period. Tampo and lambing are rather unique to the Philippines and what seems to have happened here is all the OP cared about is marrying a beautiful and obedient Southeast Asian woman without actually understanding who it was he was marrying or her culture. She most likely never got to see him at his worst and only experienced the side of him he exposed while he was on vacation. He probably showered her with gifts and treated her like a princess while they were together in the Philippines. The OP is fully at fault for initiating the conflict and driving his wife away. If he can't handle a wife that expects to be treated with respect and doesn't want to be intimate with him when she is upset perhaps he shouldn't get married in the first place.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Artisan

[Bumbero 130]

So only he can be disappointed in the resulting marriage? What was he expecting? That only HE could call it quits if the marriage was a mess? She was facing a life with a man that hid his true face for at least five years. Her plan was likely to be a good wife to a man that treated her with respect and didn't use her for an emotional punching bag. When that didn't work out she did EXACTLY what she was instructed to do by the government of the Philippines. In order to be allowed to leave the Philippines everyone is required to attend a CFO seminar at which women are told many horror stories of how foreign men treat women overseas. They are given the phone numbers for local support agencies and told that if they ever feel that they are in danger, victims of abuse, or otherwise find themselves in trouble they are to use the many resources made available to them.

If he had actually any real understanding of Filipino culture he'd have known she was tampo and that lambing was required to soothe the situation after a cooling-off period. Tampo and lambing are rather unique to the Philippines and what seems to have happened here is all the OP cared about is marrying a beautiful and obedient Southeast Asian woman without actually understanding who it was he was marrying or her culture. She most likely never got to see him at his worst and only experienced the side of him he exposed while he was on vacation. He probably showered her with gifts and treated her like a princess while they were together in the Philippines. The OP is fully at fault for initiating the conflict and driving his wife away. If he can't handle a wife that expects to be treated with respect and doesn't want to be intimate with him when she is upset perhaps he shouldn't get married in the first place.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Bumbero

[Caryh 5,206]

You know, you could give the OP the same advice without coming off so argumentative and pushing him to entirely ignore your post. Yes the OP apparently has much to learn about Filipino culture, as she has to learn about American culture. This is a two way street, his wife is no longer in the Philippines and she is not married with a Filipino. A Filipina marrying an American man has to also understand we are different than Filipinos and we're not like what you see in the Hollywood movies. You're twisting this guy into a rampaging animal, and not the human being who makes mistakes, as we all do. The guy's father died, for christ's sake, of course he's going to be emotional and react like an American. You act like tampo is not a destructive response to conflict, and she's a poor innocent defenseless child, and not a grown woman and mother. I can tell you from experience, a Filipina can use tampo like a knife when they so choose. The guy needed help to understand what the heck he did wrong, not a parody of accusations made inside your mind about how evil all men are. You have some very good insight into the mind and culture of Filipinos, but what good does it do if you just use it to cut the balls off those who could use those insights to become better people?

BTW my wife went through the CFO and they did not give her any numbers of shelters and other helpful contacts where she was moving to. Instead they told her to go to the local consulate, which is 400 miles away from us. They didn't even tell her the closest consulate to her was Chicago. Hardly helpful advice if I turned out to be an abusive husband. Unless she had enough money, a driver's license and a car, there's no way it would have done her any good. I'm the person who told her exactly how to get help locally. The mindset of people in Manila and the CFO is that everything in their country and everywhere else in the world is just a jeepney ride away, or else you're in the provinces in which case its your problem, not their's.

So only he can be disappointed in the resulting marriage? What was he expecting? That only HE could call it quits if the marriage was a mess? She was facing a life with a man that hid his true face for at least five years. Her plan was likely to be a good wife to a man that treated her with respect and didn't use her for an emotional punching bag. When that didn't work out she did EXACTLY what she was instructed to do by the government of the Philippines. In order to be allowed to leave the Philippines everyone is required to attend a CFO seminar at which women are told many horror stories of how foreign men treat women overseas. They are given the phone numbers for local support agencies and told that if they ever feel that they are in danger, victims of abuse, or otherwise find themselves in trouble they are to use the many resources made available to them.

If he had actually any real understanding of Filipino culture he'd have known she was tampo and that lambing was required to soothe the situation after a cooling-off period. Tampo and lambing are rather unique to the Philippines and what seems to have happened here is all the OP cared about is marrying a beautiful and obedient Southeast Asian woman without actually understanding who it was he was marrying or her culture. She most likely never got to see him at his worst and only experienced the side of him he exposed while he was on vacation. He probably showered her with gifts and treated her like a princess while they were together in the Philippines. The OP is fully at fault for initiating the conflict and driving his wife away. If he can't handle a wife that expects to be treated with respect and doesn't want to be intimate with him when she is upset perhaps he shouldn't get married in the first place.

[Artisan 138]

The guy's father died, for christ's sake, of course he's going to be emotional and react like an American.

I actually would expect him to act like a decent human being and not level accusations and start a conflict with his wife on the same night a close relative died. Just because someone close to you died doesn't give you carte blanche to lash out at the people around you. That's basic anger management 101.

You act like tampo is not a destructive response to conflict

We will just have to agree to disagree on this subject. I personally believe that tampo is the most perfect form of conflict management on a domestic scale. The offended party is able to display dissatisfaction without escalating the conflict on their part. If continued problems occur it is because the offending party has not reacted to the punishment accordingly or has attempted to force the conflict into the open (which is precisely what the OP is guilty of doing). Personally I would rather people let sharp emotions dull with a bit of time and distance than to bring those often reactionary emotions out in front where they can cause even more damage to a relationship.

You have some very good insight into the mind and culture of Filipinos

Thank you, one of the best compliments my wife ever gave me was when she told me that I think like a Filipino and that my doing so made her proud.

BTW my wife went through the CFO and they did not give her any numbers of shelters and other helpful contacts where she was moving to.

I am sorry to hear that your wife was not given the same information many other Filipinas are given at the CFO seminar. Perhaps it varies a bit by day and location and who is in charge of the seminar. My wife had her CFO seminar at Katipunan before they closed that office. It is wonderful that you provided your wife with the local numbers in case she felt she needed help. I wonder if the OP would have been so considerate.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Artisan

[rlogan 2,036]

You know, you could give the OP the same advice without coming off so argumentative and pushing him to entirely ignore your post. Yes the OP apparently has much to learn about Filipino culture, as she has to learn about American culture. This is a two way street, his wife is no longer in the Philippines and she is not married with a Filipino. A Filipina marrying an American man has to also understand we are different than Filipinos and we're not like what you see in the Hollywood movies. You're twisting this guy into a rampaging animal, and not the human being who makes mistakes, as we all do. The guy's father died, for christ's sake, of course he's going to be emotional and react like an American. You act like tampo is not a destructive response to conflict, and she's a poor innocent defenseless child, and not a grown woman and mother. I can tell you from experience, a Filipina can use tampo like a knife when they so choose. The guy needed help to understand what the heck he did wrong, not a parody of accusations made inside your mind about how evil all men are. You have some very good insight into the mind and culture of Filipinos, but what good does it do if you just use it to cut the balls off those who could use those insights to become better people?

Thanks for some balance here. Bullying is not necessary, and when bullies pile on it can be quite the lynch mob. It's odd to see the worship of Tampo as if it was sacred. There is a LOT in many cultures that we can observe and understand without claiming it is ideal. We need to see the faults too, like with incest in Native Alaskan culture or cannibalism in others, or women as property or what have you.

From the Wiki entry, which isn't a bad discussion, really:

Tampo usually is manifested in the withdrawal of affectionate or cheerful behavior, and its expression is almost entirely nonverbal. These manifestations may include:[2]

resisting expressions of affection

not talking to the person concerned, or to people in general

being unusually quiet

locking oneself in his or her own room

refusing to eat

not joining friends in group activities

withdrawing from the group

simply keeping to oneself.

These are usually efforts to get the offending party to make amends, and if these behaviors do not work, one might choose to escalate them, perhaps to foot-stamping, door-slamming, or muttering

and the key point:

The withdrawal behaviors of tampo are indirect ways of expressing hostility

We call these "passive aggressive" behaviors. This is not "nice" behavior, but rather just a manipulative means of hostility.

Fortunatly my wife doesn't do this anymore. Instead she has learned to say what is on her mind and communicate clearly. If you don't understand you are supposed to be manipulated into lambing, you're going to get even angrier with this passive-aggressive response.

The guy has issues, sure - but we need some balance here and not just a gigantic hate-fest on him.

Edited December 12, 2012 by rlogan

[Caryh 5,206]

We call these "passive aggressive" behaviors. This is not "nice" behavior, but rather just a manipulative means of hostility.

Fortunatly my wife doesn't do this anymore. Instead she has learned to say what is on her mind and communicate clearly. If you don't understand you are supposed to be manipulated into lambing, you're going to get even angrier with this passive-aggressive response.

The guy has issues, sure - but we need some balance here and not just a gigantic hate-fest on him.

And there you make one of the biggest points on the negatives of using tampo. The other big negative, as I see it, is nothing gets resolved, it just gets ignored until it happens again. Heck I've had my wife go into tampo mode because she thought a word meant something totally different than it does. And the only reason I found out is I won't let the issue be ignored after. Tampo is good if used as a cooling off period before discussing something. But the typical usage is to either get their way, or to ignore the problem in the hopes it will go away. Both of those are serious negatives of the practice. Since my wife has been in the US, we've been working to change her ways to only use tampo in the positive aspect, while I've been learning to wait out her overly pissed off state of mind until she's ready to talk.

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

We call these "passive aggressive" behaviors. This is not "nice" behavior, but rather just a manipulative means of hostility.

Fortunatly my wife doesn't do this anymore. Instead she has learned to say what is on her mind and communicate clearly. If you don't understand you are supposed to be manipulated into lambing, you're going to get even angrier with this passive-aggressive response.

The guy has issues, sure - but we need some balance here and not just a gigantic hate-fest on him.

Lots of women do that who aren't Filipinas. I do it. I would also leave in a heartbeat if he started yelling at me or snapped at me because I didn't feel like talking about something or opening up. He just sits there and waits me out. It is like a competition of the stronger wills.

It isn't necessarily passive aggressive, but in my old age of 25, I've learned not to get in yelling matches with people, bide my time and really think about the issue before discussing it. It is the sign of impulsiveness to just spit it all out without thinking about the consequences of your words or if you really mean them. It is especially a beneficial trait when you have a partner who can not control his emotions. In this case, she couldn't really win with arguing and escalating or shutting down and avoiding. What would you have done?

[Caryh 5,206]

There's the silent treatment in the Western world which is similar, but its not really the same thing. There is also not talking right now and waiting for a cooling off period. Neither of these is exactly tampo, and it would be hard to explain the exact differences. But as a western male who has been subjected to both, I certainly can tell the difference in them. My wife can have tampo and she will not quit no matter how long it is until I do lambing sufficiently. Yep another great phrase from Filipino culture with its own set of rules. At other times its her that decides on her own to end it, and she'll just sneak up behind me and hug me real tight like she hasn't seen me in forever. When either method is the end of it, is subject to its own set of rules that only Filipinos truly understand. Also they don't just withdraw from the person they feel offended with, they will often withdraw from everybody and everything. They can become sort of like a robot, going through the motions, even replying when they have to, but yet they're not really there, they're inside themselves.

Lots of women do that who aren't Filipinas. I do it. I would also leave in a heartbeat if he started yelling at me or snapped at me because I didn't feel like talking about something or opening up. He just sits there and waits me out. It is like a competition of the stronger wills.

It isn't necessarily passive aggressive, but in my old age of 25, I've learned not to get in yelling matches with people, bide my time and really think about the issue before discussing it. It is the sign of impulsiveness to just spit it all out without thinking about the consequences of your words or if you really mean them. It is especially a beneficial trait when you have a partner who can not control his emotions. In this case, she couldn't really win with arguing and escalating or shutting down and avoiding. What would you have done?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Lots of women do that who aren't Filipinas. I do it. I would also leave in a heartbeat if he started yelling at me or snapped at me because I didn't feel like talking about something or opening up. He just sits there and waits me out. It is like a competition of the stronger wills.

It isn't necessarily passive aggressive, but in my old age of 25, I've learned not to get in yelling matches with people, bide my time and really think about the issue before discussing it. It is the sign of impulsiveness to just spit it all out without thinking about the consequences of your words or if you really mean them. It is especially a beneficial trait when you have a partner who can not control his emotions. In this case, she couldn't really win with arguing and escalating or shutting down and avoiding. What would you have done?

You're misunderstanding what tampo is. It's childish behaviour of sulking and acting like a spoilt brat until the other person apologises, and other behaviours as rlogan linked. Tampo is supposed to be "fixed" by the other party rewarding the sulking child with love and affection. Thus rewarding this bad behaviour. Rather than discusses problems like adults, it's a really dysfunctional way of resolving conflict because conflict isn't resolved. It's basically making the person who uses tampo the boss in the relationship. Do what they want or be subject to tampo. This is typically the woman so the woman uses it to control her man while letting him think he's the boss. As long as she gets her way everything is great, but don't, and watch out.

What you describe isn't the same thing because I do it too. I don't enjoy yelling. I prefer to sit and think rather than argue. I need time to collect my thoughts. I'm not waiting for my husband to come and make amends, we will talk about it when we're both ready to discuss it, rather than arguing. I don't typically walk around stomping my feet, ignoring him, withholding affection until he apologises to me.

**Edit - yes what Caryh said. "Western" people do the silent treatment or a cooling off period. Personally I have no intention of letting any future kids get away with having tantrums, so I don't know why adults get away with it :S

**Edit - They're right in saying that he did not understand Filipina culture, just like she doesn't understand western culture. BUT she lied and went to a shelter, not a friends. She had that all lined up. She's now claiming abuse to get the GC. That sounds planned, not necessarily plan A, but plan B.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[Karee 4,191]

You're misunderstanding what tampo is. It's childish behaviour of sulking and acting like a spoilt brat until the other person apologises, and other behaviours as rlogan linked. Tampo is supposed to be "fixed" by the other party rewarding the sulking child with love and affection. Thus rewarding this bad behaviour. Rather than discusses problems like adults, it's a really dysfunctional way of resolving conflict because conflict isn't resolved. It's basically making the person who uses tampo the boss in the relationship. Do what they want or be subject to tampo. This is typically the woman so the woman uses it to control her man while letting him think he's the boss. As long as she gets her way everything is great, but don't, and watch out.

What you describe isn't the same thing because I do it too. I don't enjoy yelling. I prefer to sit and think rather than argue. I need time to collect my thoughts. I'm not waiting for my husband to come and make amends, we will talk about it when we're both ready to discuss it, rather than arguing. I don't typically walk around stomping my feet, ignoring him, withholding affection until he apologises to me.

**Edit - yes what Caryh said. "Western" people do the silent treatment or a cooling off period. Personally I have no intention of letting any future kids get away with having tantrums, so I don't know why adults get away with it :S

**Edit - They're right in saying that he did not understand Filipina culture, just like she doesn't understand western culture. BUT she lied and went to a shelter, not a friends. She had that all lined up. She's now claiming abuse to get the GC. That sounds planned, not necessarily plan A, but plan B.

Thanks for posting that Vanessa. I was getting ready to same something similar. The whole "Tampo" thing reminds me of a spoiled child not getting their way.

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

There's the silent treatment in the Western world which is similar, but its not really the same thing. There is also not talking right now and waiting for a cooling off period. Neither of these is exactly tampo, and it would be hard to explain the exact differences. But as a western male who has been subjected to both, I certainly can tell the difference in them. My wife can have tampo and she will not quit no matter how long it is until I do lambing sufficiently. Yep another great phrase from Filipino culture with its own set of rules. At other times its her that decides on her own to end it, and she'll just sneak up behind me and hug me real tight like she hasn't seen me in forever. When either method is the end of it, is subject to its own set of rules that only Filipinos truly understand. Also they don't just withdraw from the person they feel offended with, they will often withdraw from everybody and everything. They can become sort of like a robot, going through the motions, even replying when they have to, but yet they're not really there, they're inside themselves.

You're misunderstanding what tampo is. It's childish behaviour of sulking and acting like a spoilt brat until the other person apologises, and other behaviours as rlogan linked. Tampo is supposed to be "fixed" by the other party rewarding the sulking child with love and affection. Thus rewarding this bad behaviour. Rather than discusses problems like adults, it's a really dysfunctional way of resolving conflict because conflict isn't resolved. It's basically making the person who uses tampo the boss in the relationship. Do what they want or be subject to tampo. This is typically the woman so the woman uses it to control her man while letting him think he's the boss. As long as she gets her way everything is great, but don't, and watch out.

What you describe isn't the same thing because I do it too. I don't enjoy yelling. I prefer to sit and think rather than argue. I need time to collect my thoughts. I'm not waiting for my husband to come and make amends, we will talk about it when we're both ready to discuss it, rather than arguing. I don't typically walk around stomping my feet, ignoring him, withholding affection until he apologises to me.

**Edit - yes what Caryh said. "Western" people do the silent treatment or a cooling off period. Personally I have no intention of letting any future kids get away with having tantrums, so I don't know why adults get away with it :S

**Edit - They're right in saying that he did not understand Filipina culture, just like she doesn't understand western culture. BUT she lied and went to a shelter, not a friends. She had that all lined up. She's now claiming abuse to get the GC. That sounds planned, not necessarily plan A, but plan B.

Thanks for explaining it.