Heartbroken, she left me

[masipag 6]

Caryh,

You hit the nail in the head..its about learning & adjusting you are right.

[Artisan 138]

When there is conflict, she doesn't want to talk about it, she's been learned to clam up and say nothing until her hurt feelings go away.

Filipinos call it tampo. It is a way to avoid making mountains out of molehills and is far more acceptable in Filipino culture. It gives everyone time to let the sharp edges of emotion wear away before letting life go on as normal. Forcing the issue will only lead to heartache and just end up pissing everyone off. It is clear the OP married a woman from a culture he didn't understand in the hopes that she would 'Americanize' quickly and without issue.

[New York Guy 0]

I am engaged to a white guy too from US.. I am a filipina and I dislike filipina that uses american men a ticket meal just for them to get what they want when they arrived in the US... I'm blessed to have found a Christian man. we both have the same beliefs and church goer too. I am 100% sure that I am marrying this man for LOVE and not other else.. I hope your wife will realized what she did and let go the most important man in her life that loved her whole heartedly.. but for me mister, i would encourage you to file a divorce... and cut all the benefits that she may be getting from you. someone like her doesn't deserved a good man like you..

Thank you for believing in me. I feel that the affidavit of support is still in effect and giving her medical, at least I am protecting myself from making her become a burden to society.

I can't really file divorce until she is gone for 6 months.

[New York Guy 0]

Before we make any accusation remember we only hear one side of the story

My suggestion is you wait. You have waited 5 years to be with her so lets wait for another 6 months. Eventually they (police or lawyers) will have to contact you. Don't make any decisions that you might regret later.

No physical abuse as I said. I was just agitated all the time and did not know why. Everyone was annoying me, I had a very hard time keeping self control. I found out this week, by process of elimination, because I felt good when I woke up, it was one of my morning blood pressure pills I had been taking for 8 months. Amlodipine. Now I feel fine. The therepist agreed, I look calmer. More relaxed.

I asked one of her friends to call her and let her know this today. I have not heard back to find out the outcome. But I have a feeling she went too far with trying to get her visa on an abuse case, and soon it will be too late. The interview in a few months.

[New York Guy 0]

Dude, im in your boat also. dont you hate it when others here say "move on"?! how can we? i loved my wife like no tomorrow, and this happened to me also. I hate to say it, but the uscis needs to eliminate the K-1 visa process now. its become an epidemic! ill just soon move to th Phils, its cheaper there! All you visa fraud girls. GO HOME!

You sound like me! I keep telling everyone, guys have deep, maybe deeper feelings than women I am begining to believe. I tell everyone I am moving to the Philippines too, maybe marry, maybe not, but I will live there and retire in 2 years I believe, because I don't want to go through deep depression like I was for weeks, I want a lover, and am already talking a woman I was talking to a little before I met my wife. I think that is the way to go. I will live in the typhoons and all the rest of the stuff that I worried about her going through. To hell with her, I don't wish that, but I know it will all come back to her when her momentum runs out.

[New York Guy 0]

Honestly I am pretty appalled at the level of blind support the OP has been given based on his rather shaky story.

First and foremost, marrying just a week after your fiance arrives in the US is not something to be concerned about. You are required to have full intentions to marry when the K-1 visa is issued. The 90 day period given is to allow people to plan and execute the wedding, NOT test drive your future spouse. To enter the US or to bring someone in on a K-1 visa without the express intent to marry them is immigration fraud.

Second, the OP admits to being emotionally unstable and volatile enough to snap at his new bride. The only fault here is that the young woman didn't fully know the man she was going to marry and was ill-prepared for the stress involved in moving overseas, getting married, and trying to make a life with someone that apparently expected a different woman. The OP blames everything and everyone but himself for his problems (his father dying, his wife, the people at the shelter). At no point does he admit that he was at fault for causing the initial conflict by snapping at her. He forced a confrontation about her lack of intimacy, not by being polite and reasonable about it at an appropriate time, but instead accuses her of deliberately angering him the same night a family member has died.

She has been living at a shelter for two months after first trying to live with his mother. If there was real fraud going on she'd have a more solid escape plan from the relationship (a boyfriend and/or local friends). Let's just ignore the fact that he blew her off by telling her to go ahead and leave his mother's house instead of trying to resolve the issue with counselling or speaking with her parish priest.

The workers at the shelter are likely the ones blocking contact as that is a core element of the support structure of those institutions. A major rule of almost all women's shelters is that they will lose the support of the shelter if they communicate with the spouse/boyfriend/abuser. It's likely she doesn't even have the same number she had when the OP last saw her.

It is clear that the OP was unprepared for the marriage given his admitted mental state and reaction to events. Divorce is the best option for everyone involved. If the wife wants to attempt to fix the marriage she can make contact after the papers are filed. As for the OP's final comment about still trusting Filipinas and wanting to marry another one, it should strike everyone as repugnant that the OP objectifies and classifies women of any particular ethnicity in such a manner. Women are women the whole world over, some good and some bad. Fixating on one specific country (especially one that is known for placing foreign boyfriends on a pedestal) is not just creepy but reprehensible behavior.

I appreciate the criticism. I cannot truly see myself when I got angry. Maybe I was a little too scary looking. I said in a previous reply I found out this week it one of my 3 pills I take in the morning, one of the blood pressure pills, I have diabetes too.

I think if we had a meeting with the therpist, and her people there, and her, she would be able to talk it out with me, and see I look and feel better. I have written to her numerous times to try to set up this meeting, and she has not replied. That is why I suspect fraud and not intention of wanting to be married. But I love her, and will still give her the benefit of the doubt, even if it kills me. I worry about her so much, she can screw me left and right, I won't stoop to her level. Call me nuts, but I think with my witnesses to who saw me talking to her when she was crying, and my therepist who can testify of my improvement, she would have a hard time proving abuse, and just look like she wants to get out of marriage. But, I still give her the benefit of the doubt because of her gag order.

[New York Guy 0]

Hello budy, sorry because that "girl" did, but I think she will not come back to you as you want, even if you support her medically or economically, she will not come back, she probably had a plan before she come to US. Any ways the country from she come from originaly is not the point, the point is how she act, and you must go to report to the police as abandoned married and also send a letter to USCIS do not try to give to her any other benefit, she did not respect to you and your feelings after your father died, so let her go she will not fix her imigration situation with you, any other person will help to her, she is probably with another man at this time, so just forget this situation close that book and move on. Remember you are suffering and she is probably enjoing with another man, you were only a step or a ticket to come to US she is not realy smart as she think she is. Dont be silly suicide is not an option because out there is a lot of girls WAITING JUST FOR YOU all that you did for her shows that you are a good man. Change the door locks just in case.

Sorry and just move on.

Good look

I just looked on the internet, I cannot find a thing about reporting abandonment to the police.

[New York Guy 0]

Why is it that we are so quick to judge? We only read one side of the story. Where's the OP now? He did not even post anymore. If he really feels like very aggravated, he will follow-up the questions here. How did he snap at her? What are the attitudes/character he showed to her while they were together? My only question is, why was she able stay at his mother's house? Meaning his mother is not mad or dislike her. She is supporting her. The sister drove her to the community center, right? Why they supported her to get away from him? Maybe because they know that this guy can be crazy and have an unstable mental state? Maybe he can hurt her physically when provoked? Otherwise the guy's family will help them get back, right? People just think that when a Filipina will leave, she was just after of GC. What if her life is in danger because of his aggressive attitude? What if he has a certain character that she really don't dislike and is scared of? Let's admit it, there's a lot of crazy American guys out there who are even Psychopaths or Schizophrenics. She's 38. A woman who's 38 are not suppose to cry that much? I am 38 too, I can cry rivers for God's sake! We always think that when an American guy will write something bad about their Fiipina wives, he's the God or the perfect guy and it is always the Filipina's fault. Fraudulent, user, scammer. Have we ever thought what could have possibly she went through with the guy for her to run away for good? Why can't she just wait for her GC and citizenship before she will run if she's. really a fraud? Why now if nothing bad has really going on? Attitude, abuse, fear, mental instability? God bless her wherever she is right now. I hope she's safe. We don't really know what she went through.

I am new here, I was waiting for email that I got replies. I just started checking now. You are right, God bless her, and God keep her safe, don't take my accusations of her too seriously, I blame myself or try to, I don't like blaming others for anything. But I was in a very horrible emotional state when I posted. Really, lets just hope this little girl from the Philippines is safe. If she is having emotional problems, I feel so sorry and guilty for it. I have tried my best to express my apology, and that I was working on solving whatever problem we had, but she has never replied. It is just a sad thing. Not a super bad thing, or a horrible case of abuse.

[Bumbero 130]

So, I thought I was done posting on this topic but after reading all these comments to you and your responses, I guess I'm not.

I totally disagree with all the blind support for you. It isn't right. You asked for your options and you got many of them. Failure to see that there are two sides to this story is pathetic at best and is demonstrated OVER and OVER in reponses to your topic. It is SO easy to throw your wife under the bus because she is NOT here to defend herself. It doesn't matter who is right and wrong. There are many types of abuse and it IS NOT just physical abuse you should be worried about.

Sorry, OP, your story doesn't hold up in my opinion. There are WAY TOO many things that do not add up. One poster pointed out that your family HELPED her get away from you! Did people seriously miss this?? Your mother let her stay at her home! Why did she pick the moment you "snapped" at her to put her plan in to motion??? It doesn't make sense to me.

If I am wrong and she did use you for immigration, then fine I am sorry for your situation.

Also, it's Filipino, not Philipino. After "supporting her for 5 years", you would think you would know this but you made this mistake a few times. Your post does sound like you have no clue about her or her culture. I guess that "I thought she would be intelligent enough" could be taken wrong as well.

Best advice given in this whole thread: Get a divorce and move on.

Edited December 9, 2012 by Bumbero

[New York Guy 0]

Well, the bad news is you will be responsible for her financially for 10 years, even if she remarries, if she tries to grab welfare benefits. So sad when these things happen when you truly care about the other person.

You can get them for much less than that...

I did a pre nup that was online. It basically said she get $2000 bucks to go back home. She signed it, a witness signed it, and it was in English and Tagalog. If I move to the Philippines will I still be financially responsible?

[New York Guy 0]

So, I thought I was done posting on this topic but after reading all these comments to you and your responses, I guess I'm not.

I totally disagree with all the blind support for you. It isn't right. You asked for your options and you got many of them. Failure to see that there are two sides to this story is pathetic at best and is demonstrated OVER and OVER in reponses to your topic. It is SO easy to throw your wife under the bus because she is NOT here to defend herself. It doesn't matter who is right and wrong. There are many types of abuse and it IS NOT just physical abuse you should be worried about.

Sorry, OP, your story doesn't hold up in my opinion. There are WAY TOO many things that do not add up. One poster pointed out that your family HELPED her get away from you! Did people seriously miss this?? Your mother let her stay at her home! Why did she pick the moment you "snapped" at her to put her plan in to motion??? It doesn't make sense to me.

If I am wrong and she did use you for immigration, then fine I am sorry for your situation.

Also, it's Filipino, not Philipino. After "supporting her for 5 years", you would think you would know this but you made this mistake a few times. Your post does sound like you have no clue about her or her culture. I guess that "I thought she would be intelligent enough" could be taken wrong as well.

Best advice given in this whole thread: Get a divorce and move on.

Like I said before. I am just frustrated with myself more than anything now that I figured out it was a pill that made me irritable. Some of the things I was mad at, I probably exagerated because of this stupid medication. My family I believe, did not support me, I think I must of been acting too tense. I am not now, but the problem is she went to the law to end our marriage when love was still there, it is just my ###### luck that I have problems, medically. That is why I am so heartbroken. Not suicidal anymore, but I sure wish I could hug her. Life, what can you do sometimes but cry.

[angel7407 33]

I feel sorry for what happened to your marriage. But sometimes there are a lot of things that are already too late to be given a chance. I believe a marriage that is somewhat shaky is one of them. People have different responses to every situation and I can't blame your wife to completely block you out of your life. Maybe she is also going on with something and she realized that staying married with a guy who doesn't even know why he snaps is not good for her wellbeing. I did not go too far in my opinion of my last post, it was more of a general comment for everyone especially to Filipinas who are usually the center of accusation for scamming husbands. Abuse comes in different forms and I am sure she felt aggravated of how you treated her when you were "on medication" (as what you mentioned) and when she told the Center staff about it, of course they interpreted it as a form of abuse. So, I guess she had the right to claim it. Maybe it went too far for you because you did not expect a Filipina can report you like that. Now, you found out that it's because of the medication, but maybe it's already too late. Hurtful words have been said and damage has been done. We don't know her principle, maybe for her there's no more second chances when she's pushed too far. I guess you will be okay since you even already started talking to another Filipina girl and I hope you will know each other better/deeper before taking things seriously. Or else it's gonna be another disaster of "jumping from the pot to the fire" for both of you. I also hope you will learn by heart the culture since sometimes it's the cause of a stir. We are super sensitive and a cry-baby. We take a hurtful word too seriously and sometimes it's the reason we gradually fall out of love. Love is not enough to build a good marriage. Sometimes love will be covered with hatred and there's no more turning back. Too bad in this case, your wife is the recipient of all the blame. It takes two to tango. Husbands should learn that some Filipinas will not just sit down in the corner and listen to what they say. Some will not take any form of abuse so they will get out of your life. Goodluck!

[angel7407 33]

I am new here, I was waiting for email that I got replies. I just started checking now. You are right, God bless her, and God keep her safe, don't take my accusations of her too seriously, I blame myself or try to, I don't like blaming others for anything. But I was in a very horrible emotional state when I posted. Really, lets just hope this little girl from the Philippines is safe. If she is having emotional problems, I feel so sorry and guilty for it. I have tried my best to express my apology, and that I was working on solving whatever problem we had, but she has never replied. It is just a sad thing. Not a super bad thing, or a horrible case of abuse.

Too bad the "little girl from the Philippines" was not a good listener. I wonder what was your expectations of her in your marriage? I'm sure even if she is already 38, she had a hard time understanding why you are agitated all the time. Maybe she felt like she was walking on eggs. Do you really think that even if you apologize many time she can forgive you? Sometimes when the pain is too deep, some people cannot risk compromising just because they love the other person. Love doesn't mean forgiving all the time. When the pain is wearing you out, love is not enough to build back the self-esteem that was lost. Sometimes, words are more painful than a knife and it will kill a person little by little. Overall, my advise to you is forgive yourself and start searching your self and then that's the time you will consider having a relationship again. You just sad you still love your wife, so I think it's better to let go and better yourself first. Be safe and I hope your wife is in a safe place too.

[himher 634]

You can't file for divorce until she has been gone for 6 months? LOL

Here's what I think after reading your whining posts. You probably need to leave that girl alone. You don't sound like much of a husband or of a man and nobody on here otherwise cares about your health or medical problems.

NOTE: Amlodipine is very common. Here's a little secret: It doesn't actually make you agitated. Your tharapist probably just told you that because he/she probably didnt want to set you off or send you over the edge by telling you that you are some kind of friggin nuts. What I think is that you were probably less than up front with this girl about just how nuts you are and this is the root of the whole thing. Just a guess.

Take some advice: Anyone who makes a single call or email to a girl in a shelter or phones her friends or bothers her in any way, shape, or form is asking to get hosed.

Then: Just move on. Nobody wants to share a house with a nutjob

Thank you for believing in me. I feel that the affidavit of support is still in effect and giving her medical, at least I am protecting myself from making her become a burden to society.

I can't really file divorce until she is gone for 6 months.

[verysadguy 170]

That is sad New York Guy, different from my story, but still sad nevertheless.

You scared her off. Pretty standard. My gal tells everyone she was scared of me, but she was loving me up until the last day we were together. When I served her divorce she was completely shocked and cried like a baby for hours. Then she disappeared leaving her baby behind and ran straight to the VAWA unit. Pretty typical.

There are lots of nice gals out there. Yours and mine were not from that pool of "nice girls." Forget about love with that gal. Find another partner, and be more cautious.

I had a professional client. Young with a promising career. He was very overweight. He brought a filipina girl over who ran up all his credit cards and was a floozy with a bunch of guys. She took off and left him broke. He sat crying in my office "I love her so much." Sometimes we just need to open our eyes to the truth. The girls/women are USERS. They don't care anything about us and created a false image of themselves. They are very selfish and take every advantage they can.

My ex is in a relationship with the guy who helped her at the nonprofit. Talk about seduction on her side, and abuse of power and conflict of interest on his side. Ridiculous.

I am moving on from the heartache and looking at reality. You should try the same. It was only about the money and the green card. No true love. Sorry sir.