Heartbroken, she left me

[LSnBigBear 61]

I agree with the others that you need to move on. Stop chasing her, make an INFOPASS to report what happened. File for a divorce and just stay positive and move forward. I have learned the hard way living in the Philippines, dating and actually doing the K1 process in 2007 that one one can make us happy. Happiness is an internal chemistry and no one will give us this but ourselves. Once we have this then we can go date and eventually marry to expand the happiness. Get your happiness back, focus on the future minus her. Don't fret over if she played you or not. Just move on brother and enjoy life. BTW my ex fiancee from 2007 began acting what I will call goofy and untrusting so I broke up with her just before her interview. The tall tail here was she had an American other than me that she picked up with quickly after I broke it off. So my hunches were correct and yes embarrassing to tell my friends and family I broke it off. But we all get over this.

Good luck

Shawn AKA Big Bear

[mtcmk1 37]

If I were you, I would report her, divorce her, and make sure she doesn't get the green card. It sounds like she planned it and was only using you to get into the US. I am sorry I know that you love her, but do this for yourself. As someone else mentioned, her report of abuse against you can keep you from filing for anyone else in the future. It doesn't sound like she plans on going back to you. Do your part and report her to the USCIS so that she doesn't get what she duped you for... It sounds harsh but fair. Good luck!

[angel7407 33]

Why is it that we are so quick to judge? We only read one side of the story. Where's the OP now? He did not even post anymore. If he really feels like very aggravated, he will follow-up the questions here. How did he snap at her? What are the attitudes/character he showed to her while they were together? My only question is, why was she able stay at his mother's house? Meaning his mother is not mad or dislike her. She is supporting her. The sister drove her to the community center, right? Why they supported her to get away from him? Maybe because they know that this guy can be crazy and have an unstable mental state? Maybe he can hurt her physically when provoked? Otherwise the guy's family will help them get back, right? People just think that when a Filipina will leave, she was just after of GC. What if her life is in danger because of his aggressive attitude? What if he has a certain character that she really don't dislike and is scared of? Let's admit it, there's a lot of crazy American guys out there who are even Psychopaths or Schizophrenics. She's 38. A woman who's 38 are not suppose to cry that much? I am 38 too, I can cry rivers for God's sake! We always think that when an American guy will write something bad about their Fiipina wives, he's the God or the perfect guy and it is always the Filipina's fault. Fraudulent, user, scammer. Have we ever thought what could have possibly she went through with the guy for her to run away for good? Why can't she just wait for her GC and citizenship before she will run if she's. really a fraud? Why now if nothing bad has really going on? Attitude, abuse, fear, mental instability? God bless her wherever she is right now. I hope she's safe. We don't really know what she went through.

[Jahwaree 83]

:bonk:

Dude, im in your boat also. dont you hate it when others here say "move on"?! how can we? i loved my wife like no tomorrow, and this happened to me also. I hate to say it, but the uscis needs to eliminate the K-1 visa process now. its become an epidemic! ill just soon move to th Phils, its cheaper there! All you visa fraud girls. GO HOME!

[JohnR! 5,495]

A little embarrassed, and messed up for a while, just getting over it.

Married my k1 fiance after a week. I thought she was intelligent enough to be patient and we could each learn our ways and stay married til interview time.

Luck would have it, my father got sick, died, and I was a little upset. A couple of times I snapped at her. She was acting strange. Not letting me touch her, hug her, things like that. I had a feeling she was intentionally trying to piss me off. The night my father died, I confronted her with this, and she began to cry, I never saw someone cry that much for a 38 year old! I am 55.

She went to stay at my moms house 2 weeks. I kept coming there asking, begging, crying for her to come back. She said she had friends in a Philippino neighborhood near us, and I said, go. I can't take it anymore, I'm having heart attacks seeing her here, and sleeping alone, knowing she may be crying at my mothers house.

So, my sister comes back after driving her, my sis says, she went to the BAYANIHAN COMMUNITY CENTER

40-21 69th Street, Woodside, NY 11377 She lied, no friend.

I heard though someone she called that they got her to go the police and report abuse. She has been there 2 months, and they won't answer the phone, won't answer my emails. She does not answer her phone or texts. Just like that after 5 years of supporting her and her son with xoom. She treats me like I'm dead.

I love her to death and would do anything to get her back. But the police said if she went there, she went because its a place where abused women go, and I cannot contact her.

Now heres the clincher, her friend told me they have immigration lawyers there that will get her her green card anyway. No one has contacted me to find out if her charges are real!!!!!! Any Philipino woman can do this, and I hope they do, and this place gets busted for visa fraud. Its dangerous too to allow anyone a green card these days. I don't think she is all there now if she can do this so coldly. I am 50% certain she planned it. I would take her back anyway. The interview isn't for a few months.

Sorry for the long story, but I thought you should know, it can happen to you. This girl just was not a good listener, and refused to talk at length without getting angry herself.

I was told by my therapist which I needed for my suicidal thoughts afterwards, not to go the infopass route, don't make waves. I sent a certified letter to the USCIS that I sent the 485 to. Now I figure, just wait, I won't get a divorce cause I want her to keep the medical benefits from job and texted that to her that she can still use the cards. Divorce in the future though.

I still trust Philippina girls, and in a few years may retire there and marry again after dating.

So, what do you suggest I do. Nothing?

Sorry to hear that but I think there is no sugar coating here. She has used you and you have been played. Get over and move on. Life's too short.

IMHO you need to sort out your own issues before pursuing a relationship with someone else. From the outside it sounds somewhat strange that you would even consider taking your own life because of a person who could not care less about you. It seems to me it would be a waste because you would end up dead and she would end up not caring. In fact, you would make her a widow and she would inherit all your earthly possessions. I think you failed to see that your passing would only further her agenda.

Get your own house in order first. Sort yourself out first. Until you can show self esteem and respect stay away from falling in love again, lest you be played once more.

I apologize if I sound harsh, but IMHO you are letting her take control of your life. I hope this passes soon. A broken heart can be painful!

[Cathi 5,784]

It is easier to get here on a K-1 then it is a CR-1. You would think that by now immigration would figure out how many people scam their "fiances'" to get a one way ticket to the US, claim VAWA, or just plain leave and disappear into our society illegally. I think the guidelines for K-1 should be at least as strict, if not more so then it is for a CR-1. So many people use the K1 to scam unsuspecting US citizens, we see cases everyday here on VJ, and this community is just a very small percentage of the people who actually apply for visas. And it still amazes me how many people think that a K-1 is a "get to know you better" visa(not in this case), and come because they think it's just to allow you to become better acquainted with their SO for a few months, when in actuality it's to come and get married. These people piss me off to no end, I know when I married my husband we knew each for long enough to know we WANTED to be married. Why come to a new country to be with someone if you are not 100% sure you want to be married? Sorry for the rant.

I feel for the OP. I disagree with him wanting to stay married in order for his wife to keep insurance. Why in the world would you want to help her if she very obviously came here just to use you? Protect yourself and your future. Get a lawyer, file for divorce and move on with your life as difficult as that may be. I do find it odd that the OP talks of how much he loves this woman and that he is suicidal, and in the next breath talks about after his divorce and how he wants to go back to Phil and perhaps marry another woman...

Edited December 7, 2012 by mimolicious

[VanessaTony 3,567]

It honestly doesn't matter if he's telling the truth or not.

The facts are: she left, they're no longer together, the AOS is still processing.

Conjecture is: that it's her fault, that she's filing for VAWA (this was hearsay), that's it's his fault

So as I stated before, make and INFOPASS and report the demise of the relationship and file for divorce. Also make sure at the infopass to withdraw the I-864.

[Caryh 5,206]

Some of the things he has said about her actions, sound much like my own spouse. When there is conflict, she doesn't want to talk about it, she's been learned to clam up and say nothing until her hurt feelings go away. I as an American, want to discuss it and find out what hurt her feelings or mine. It has taken a lot of work, but now she is more open to expressing what she feels, although often it can come out very negative. She's for the first time in her life learning to say something instead of closing up into herself, its hard to stay with a positive tone when you're feeling negative. I have had to learn to just back off and give her time. As much as I hate just leaving her alone and letting something hang unsettled between us, its something she needs at times. The hardest thing is knowing when I need to stay with her and when to leave her alone and for how long. Quite often when she's ready, she just walks up and hugs me. Its a learning process for both of us, and its not easy.

Also I grew up where when you were feeling emotional or upset about something, it comes out in your tone of voice. This in turn can get her very upset. It just was never done in her family, and that is a raised voice. Its not even yelling in USA culture, but it is to her. I've had to learn not to do that. I can tell you its hard to change a life time worth of habits, but I am doing it. As she has to learn there will be times I'll slip. Again its a learning process for both of us.

I in no way believe his wife came with the intent to scam him for a green card. It just doesn't sound like it. But it does sound like a culture clash in how people deal with emotional situations. Americans tend to be vocal about it. Filipinos tend to clam up and ignore it until the feelings go away. There is good and bad about both ways. I think the OP has scared his wife pretty badly. And the OP is completely frustrated because he just doesn't understand that she does not handle conflict the same way he does, so he see's this as something totally different than it really is.

OP if you get the chance to talk with your wife every again, and you still want to be with her. You're going to have to learn to understand her ways. You're also going to need to look at your own ways and realize how they are not compatible with her's. Both of you are going to have to learn to be sensitive to how each of you are. You can't go snapping or shouting (ever), and she has to learn to communicate rather than ignore something that bothers her. If you do really love her, you will learn. If it doesn't work out and you intend to look towards a relationship with another Filipina, you better seriously look at all the mistakes you made with this one first and start working on changing how you react, or there's a darn good chance you'll just repeat exactly what happened here.

Good luck to both you and your spouse.

[Teddy B 17,252]

Some of the things he has said about her actions, sound much like my own spouse. When there is conflict, she doesn't want to talk about it, she's been learned to clam up and say nothing until her hurt feelings go away. I as an American, want to discuss it and find out what hurt her feelings or mine. It has taken a lot of work, but now she is more open to expressing what she feels, although often it can come out very negative. She's for the first time in her life learning to say something instead of closing up into herself, its hard to stay with a positive tone when you're feeling negative. I have had to learn to just back off and give her time. As much as I hate just leaving her alone and letting something hang unsettled between us, its something she needs at times. The hardest thing is knowing when I need to stay with her and when to leave her alone and for how long. Quite often when she's ready, she just walks up and hugs me. Its a learning process for both of us, and its not easy.

Also I grew up where when you were feeling emotional or upset about something, it comes out in your tone of voice. This in turn can get her very upset. It just was never done in her family, and that is a raised voice. Its not even yelling in USA culture, but it is to her. I've had to learn not to do that. I can tell you its hard to change a life time worth of habits, but I am doing it. As she has to learn there will be times I'll slip. Again its a learning process for both of us.

I in no way believe his wife came with the intent to scam him for a green card. It just doesn't sound like it. But it does sound like a culture clash in how people deal with emotional situations. Americans tend to be vocal about it. Filipinos tend to clam up and ignore it until the feelings go away. There is good and bad about both ways. I think the OP has scared his wife pretty badly. And the OP is completely frustrated because he just doesn't understand that she does not handle conflict the same way he does, so he see's this as something totally different than it really is.

OP if you get the chance to talk with your wife every again, and you still want to be with her. You're going to have to learn to understand her ways. You're also going to need to look at your own ways and realize how they are not compatible with her's. Both of you are going to have to learn to be sensitive to how each of you are. You can't go snapping or shouting (ever), and she has to learn to communicate rather than ignore something that bothers her. If you do really love her, you will learn. If it doesn't work out and you intend to look towards a relationship with another Filipina, you better seriously look at all the mistakes you made with this one first and start working on changing how you react, or there's a darn good chance you'll just repeat exactly what happened here.

Good luck to both you and your spouse.

Well said Caryh, and I think your spot on with your deduction of what happened.

[Penguin_ie 5,996]

*** No more bickering and personal insults. Stay on topic, help the OP with their problem or don't post. ****

[senmarley 2]

Hi New Yorker, I will say take it easy and moved on with life. I really feel how painful you are. Its very sad when a man love a woman genuinely, vice verse, and planning to make a family ,and things like this happen. All i will say, stay strong and positive. This things happen in all races or cultures not only Filipinos. I believe in the chemistry that a good women or man comes from God. We humans and sometimes can never guide other human being. Everything happen for a reason.....STAY VERY POSITIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, WIPE YOUR EYES, CARRY YOUR BAG AND GO TO WORK AS NORMAL.... MOVED ON ...MOVED ON....STAY FUCUS....

Ecclesiastes Chapter 3

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.

17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.

18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.

19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.

20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.

21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?

22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

[Love To Teach 161]

A little embarrassed, and messed up for a while, just getting over it.

Married my k1 fiance after a week. I thought she was intelligent enough to be patient and we could each learn our ways and stay married til interview time.

Luck would have it, my father got sick, died, and I was a little upset. A couple of times I snapped at her. She was acting strange. Not letting me touch her, hug her, things like that. I had a feeling she was intentionally trying to piss me off. The night my father died, I confronted her with this, and she began to cry, I never saw someone cry that much for a 38 year old! I am 55.

She went to stay at my moms house 2 weeks. I kept coming there asking, begging, crying for her to come back. She said she had friends in a Philippino neighborhood near us, and I said, go. I can't take it anymore, I'm having heart attacks seeing her here, and sleeping alone, knowing she may be crying at my mothers house.

So, my sister comes back after driving her, my sis says, she went to the BAYANIHAN COMMUNITY CENTER

40-21 69th Street, Woodside, NY 11377 She lied, no friend.

I heard though someone she called that they got her to go the police and report abuse. She has been there 2 months, and they won't answer the phone, won't answer my emails. She does not answer her phone or texts. Just like that after 5 years of supporting her and her son with xoom. She treats me like I'm dead.

I love her to death and would do anything to get her back. But the police said if she went there, she went because its a place where abused women go, and I cannot contact her.

Now heres the clincher, her friend told me they have immigration lawyers there that will get her her green card anyway. No one has contacted me to find out if her charges are real!!!!!! Any Philipino woman can do this, and I hope they do, and this place gets busted for visa fraud. Its dangerous too to allow anyone a green card these days. I don't think she is all there now if she can do this so coldly. I am 50% certain she planned it. I would take her back anyway. The interview isn't for a few months.

Sorry for the long story, but I thought you should know, it can happen to you. This girl just was not a good listener, and refused to talk at length without getting angry herself.

I was told by my therapist which I needed for my suicidal thoughts afterwards, not to go the infopass route, don't make waves. I sent a certified letter to the USCIS that I sent the 485 to. Now I figure, just wait, I won't get a divorce cause I want her to keep the medical benefits from job and texted that to her that she can still use the cards. Divorce in the future though.

I still trust Philippina girls, and in a few years may retire there and marry again after dating.

So, what do you suggest I do. Nothing?

Well, the bad news is you will be responsible for her financially for 10 years, even if she remarries, if she tries to grab welfare benefits. So sad when these things happen when you truly care about the other person.

This is why I'm getting a pre-nup. Pretty sure everything's legit as we were physically together for a little over a year and I feel I know her. BUT, I'm not naive enough to think that it's impossible I could be getting put-on....it has happened before, it'll happen again.

A pre-nup can cost up to $2K, but if you need it then it'll be the best $2K you ever spent.

NY Guy, if I were you I'd see a lawyer ASAP. I wouldn't be overly concerned about her scamming the system and getting to stay in the US - but I would be more worried about her getting 1/2 of everything you have, including your accounts.

You can get them for much less than that...

[Love To Teach 161]

Hey New York Guy- Welcome to living in America. This is coming out to more of a routine here now. Many of us go overseas and marry someone and they get here, and next thing you know is that they are gone. And so much allegations about things you would never even think about doing. This kind of immigration fraud is very common now these days, and unfortunately they always get away with it. I know tons of people who have been through the same experience. They just use us to get to America, and boom they put to us to hell of time. Unfortunate but you have to learn to accept that there is so many ungrateful people in this world.

There are plenty of other countries where this happens all the time. You don't know someone until you live with him/her, especially if the relationship has been long distance. These users will have to answer for what they do to people.

[rlogan 2,036]

In before the lock!

Since it looks like she is making charges of abuse, we should be advising the OP to never be in a position where his actions can be construed as abuse. Write to USCIS and withdraw the Affadavit of Support. She is obviously uninterested in maintaining the marriage.

Definitely not all Filipinas are alike. Many of them here show the need for a superstitious man, but a lot of them also admire science and reason. Five years may seem a long time, but in an internet relationship you can't really know them as you would in-person. So we advocate maximizing the amount of time you spend together in-person and getting to know her whole family & friends.

[shashonie 6]

Honestly I am pretty appalled at the level of blind support the OP has been given based on his rather shaky story.

First and foremost, marrying just a week after your fiance arrives in the US is not something to be concerned about. You are required to have full intentions to marry when the K-1 visa is issued. The 90 day period given is to allow people to plan and execute the wedding, NOT test drive your future spouse. To enter the US or to bring someone in on a K-1 visa without the express intent to marry them is immigration fraud.

Second, the OP admits to being emotionally unstable and volatile enough to snap at his new bride. The only fault here is that the young woman didn't fully know the man she was going to marry and was ill-prepared for the stress involved in moving overseas, getting married, and trying to make a life with someone that apparently expected a different woman. The OP blames everything and everyone but himself for his problems (his father dying, his wife, the people at the shelter). At no point does he admit that he was at fault for causing the initial conflict by snapping at her. He forced a confrontation about her lack of intimacy, not by being polite and reasonable about it at an appropriate time, but instead accuses her of deliberately angering him the same night a family member has died.

She has been living at a shelter for two months after first trying to live with his mother. If there was real fraud going on she'd have a more solid escape plan from the relationship (a boyfriend and/or local friends). Let's just ignore the fact that he blew her off by telling her to go ahead and leave his mother's house instead of trying to resolve the issue with counselling or speaking with her parish priest.

The workers at the shelter are likely the ones blocking contact as that is a core element of the support structure of those institutions. A major rule of almost all women's shelters is that they will lose the support of the shelter if they communicate with the spouse/boyfriend/abuser. It's likely she doesn't even have the same number she had when the OP last saw her.

It is clear that the OP was unprepared for the marriage given his admitted mental state and reaction to events. Divorce is the best option for everyone involved. If the wife wants to attempt to fix the marriage she can make contact after the papers are filed. As for the OP's final comment about still trusting Filipinas and wanting to marry another one, it should strike everyone as repugnant that the OP objectifies and classifies women of any particular ethnicity in such a manner. Women are women the whole world over, some good and some bad. Fixating on one specific country (especially one that is known for placing foreign boyfriends on a pedestal) is not just creepy but reprehensible behavior.

Thank goodness some other people were wary of the original post as well. It did not read well to me and I was repulsed by the last line.