Is my marriage doomed before it begins?

[Alex&Manny 16]

I am a junior in college, I am the petitioner and also a US Citizen. My husband, (k1 approved a month ago or so) didn't even go into high school. He's 19 I am 20.

You can imagine the stuff I heard:

- Be careful he's only doing it for the visa.

- You're to young, he's too young - he'll leave you and take everything you gave him.

- You deserve better. He isn't going anywhere in life, you are.

And the list goes ON, and ON.

It really aggravated me for a long time. For the entire process I must say. He got to a point where he didn't even want to tell anyone who asked what we were doing, because he felt embarrassed and upset that they we're so quick to judge.

Only YOU know what you want and deserve. Only YOU know what you feel for her. Nobody else - not even your parents - have a say in this. It is upsetting when those closest to you whether it be family or friends, aren't supportive. But in the very end - it's you and your future wife. You and her will make or break the relationship, you and her will start a new home, you and her will put bread on the table. IT'S YOU AND HER. Two people.

Your parents will come around. Believe me. I was lucky enough to have parents and in-laws that were and are supportive to this day. No matter what you are their son and they are your parents. They want what's best for you. But only you know what's best for you.

Keep your head up like you've been doing it with so much success in your life. It's the only way to move forward.

Saludos!

[Moomin 292]

Not my point that parents have standards. It is unreasonable for adult parents to emotionally blackmail their ADULT son. Leave her or we will disown you is emotional blackmail. That's unreasonable under any circumstances.

Do you think it is reasonable for his parents to say leave the woman who you want to be your wife or you are no longer our son? HELL NO. THAT'S MEAN. IT'S EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. It's unreasonable to threaten anyone that way. So cruel.

They have their viewpoints, you have yours. Yes it's cruel being put in the situation. Personally, I'm the last one to put up with emotional blackmail, or people not accepting the choices I make. However I'm also the last one to point out to others what's wrong or what's right because that wouldn't make me any better. I'd prefer walking away from ####### rather than having it in my life. If that's the choice the OP's parents gave him, then it sucks that he's forced to make a decision.

[TBoneTX 45,303]

Good advice here, si man.

Your parents will come around when they're ready. If not, "oh, well." You can't be responsible for the attitudes of others, no man.

This is a classic example of their viewpoint vs. a healthy viewpoint: "A potential partner's value to Society, vs. a potential partner's value to me."

[Not a user 0]

I personally agree with your parents. You are too young to get married.A guy in his 20s is just at the start of getting his fill of excitement. He is ruled in large part by his lower brain and hormones and needs to have fun in life before he can slow down and get married. If you deny yourself this utmost important phase of life, you eventually will want to catch up on it, which is why close to 80% of all marriages between 18 and 25 in the United States are doomed to fail and end up in divorce. That's a fact.But I also feel that you are old enough to make your own decisions and mistakes, and while you should be respectful to your parents and soak in their input, by no means should you accept everything they say just because they say it.

Thank you for your answer, Would you be so kind as to point out things that you believe I should do before getting married? Because as I pointed out, I am not interested in the whole clubbbing/partying/drinking and Forking-as-many-girls-as-i-can thing; That is just not for me, not how i was raised (yes, same parents that kicked me out raised me) it is not fulfilling, its degrading its anooying its unconfortable. I have lived by myself for the last 6 years, but only recently moved with my parents since I lost my old job and the area they were living in offers good oportunities for my type of job... as a matter of fact i didnt mention it but i lived with them for about 4 months.

I can relate to the way you feel. My husband has no real job and I have been providing for him for 3 years now. Still I know how much he means to me and what he does for me emotionally (not to.mention keeping the house clean lol) but everyone only looks at the fact that he brings in no substantial income. My family however loves my husband. But I had an unloved boyfriend in the past that got me kicked out. After that I moved to another state with no money and no job sleeping in my car. After about 2 months I would just call my parents and see how things were. Eventually the elephant in the room disappeared And we pretended like it never happened. My bf an I moved back a year later and my parents learned to accept him. We eventually got engaged though never proceeded with a wedding as we were better friends than a couple lol. I think that even if your marriage failed after a year no one should hold that kind o mistake over your head. Sh*t happens. Divorce happens. Go it on your own and hopefully your parents will come around. I will however tell you to use caution and make sure you really know someone who you are filing sponsorship for. I've seen too many ppl on this site surprised by finding out their spouse wasn't the person they thought they were (and I'm not even talking about fraud). I'm talkin about only spending "honeymoon" time with people and never seeing their flaws. My husband and I just began filing after 2 years of marriage lol.I apologize if this is all over the place as it's hard to proof my posts on my iPod but I hope hearing a similar story with an okay outcome made you feel at least a tiny bit better

Thank you for your reply, After living together for about a year; I can tell you that I know her flaws and know what I am getting myself into... its scary sometimes, but I welcome it with wide open arms!

[Not a user 0]

I am a junior in college, I am the petitioner and also a US Citizen. My husband, (k1 approved a month ago or so) didn't even go into high school. He's 19 I am 20. You can imagine the stuff I heard:- Be careful he's only doing it for the visa.- You're to young, he's too young - he'll leave you and take everything you gave him. - You deserve better. He isn't going anywhere in life, you are. And the list goes ON, and ON. It really aggravated me for a long time. For the entire process I must say. He got to a point where he didn't even want to tell anyone who asked what we were doing, because he felt embarrassed and upset that they we're so quick to judge.Only YOU know what you want and deserve. Only YOU know what you feel for her. Nobody else - not even your parents - have a say in this. It is upsetting when those closest to you whether it be family or friends, aren't supportive. But in the very end - it's you and your future wife. You and her will make or break the relationship, you and her will start a new home, you and her will put bread on the table. IT'S YOU AND HER. Two people. Your parents will come around. Believe me. I was lucky enough to have parents and in-laws that were and are supportive to this day. No matter what you are their son and they are your parents. They want what's best for you. But only you know what's best for you.Keep your head up like you've been doing it with so much success in your life. It's the only way to move forward.Saludos!

Thank you for sharing your experience, I guess if you marry young they get after you for that, or too old, or until you finish school, etc... bottom line is that we'll figure a way to make it work. And Gratz on your K-1!!

They have their viewpoints, you have yours. Yes it's cruel being put in the situation. Personally, I'm the last one to put up with emotional blackmail, or people not accepting the choices I make. However I'm also the last one to point out to others what's wrong or what's right because that wouldn't make me any better. I'd prefer walking away from ####### rather than having it in my life. If that's the choice the OP's parents gave him, then it sucks that he's forced to make a decision.

That whole part on emotional blackmail really got me thinking; its true!

Good advice here, si man.Your parents will come around when they're ready. If not, "oh, well." You can't be responsible for the attitudes of others, no man.This is a classic example of their viewpoint vs. a healthy viewpoint: "A potential partner's value to Society, vs. a potential partner's value to me."

I really hope they can come around and we work something out, but unless they can show sincere respect to my future wife, things are staying as they are. Thanks for your input.

[EminTX 131]

So...Statistically, how many divorces have already happened in your family? Have either of your parents been divorced? Are both your parents a united front on this or is one the instigator and the other one being a sheep? At what age did they marry? Have they done this to any of your siblings? Are there other people in the family that you are not ostracized from? (You don't have to actually answer these--they're just the kinds of questions that come to mind, though.)

My own father cut all ties with me maybe 10 years before his death. It hurt, but it was also a relief because I didn't have to tolerate or listen to his negative #######. This means that my precious child also wasn't exposed to the hatred, either. Now that he is dead, I can't help but wonder how he would view my husband. Would he hate him for being a deadbeat (jobless) foreigner or impressed with him because he has an uncommon profession and speaks 2 languages?

When you future wife is here and your parents have hopefully come around, try to make sure any interactions with them are in public until you know they'll behave. Most folks don't like to act a fool with an audience.

[aguileralupita30 7]

I am going thru a hard time too. the thing is that I want to go spend Christmas with my fiance and my in-laws ans stay there until the whole process is approved. he is in Mexico, but me since I'm a GIRL my parents do not want me to live with him until we are officially married. i don't want to upset them but i don't want to go back and forth to Mexico either. Its expensive and we need that money for the rest of our process. it is really hard. :/

Good advice here, si man.

Your parents will come around when they're ready. If not, "oh, well." You can't be responsible for the attitudes of others, no man.

This is a classic example of their viewpoint vs. a healthy viewpoint: "A potential partner's value to Society, vs. a potential partner's value to me."

well said. sometimes people only thing about satisfying society and sacrifice ourselves. without thinking what we REALLY WANT in life.

[jose_leti 7]

I can relate to the way you feel. My husband has no real job and I have been providing for him for 3 years now. Still I know how much he means to me and what he does for me emotionally (not to.mention keeping the house clean lol) but everyone only looks at the fact that he brings in no substantial income.

My family however loves my husband. But I had an unloved boyfriend in the past that got me kicked out. After that I moved to another state with no money and no job sleeping in my car. After about 2 months I would just call my parents and see how things were. Eventually the elephant in the room disappeared And we pretended like it never happened. My bf an I moved back a year later and my parents learned to accept him. We eventually got engaged though never proceeded with a wedding as we were better friends than a couple lol.

I think that even if your marriage failed after a year no one should hold that kind o mistake over your head. Sh*t happens. Divorce happens. Go it on your own and hopefully your parents will come around.

I will however tell you to use caution and make sure you really know someone who you are filing sponsorship for. I've seen too many ppl on this site surprised by finding out their spouse wasn't the person they thought they were (and I'm not even talking about fraud). I'm talkin about only spending "honeymoon" time with people and never seeing their flaws. My husband and I just began filing after 2 years of marriage lol.

I apologize if this is all over the place as it's hard to proof my posts on my iPod but I hope hearing a similar story with an okay outcome made you feel at least a tiny bit better

The choices we make will affect the rest of our lifes forever. You need to be sure that if you choose your fiancee. you are willing to go thru the dificult parts like facing your family, cutting off from your family, if you live with parents you need to be prepared to live on your own. find a place, get furniture, save some money. you cant just cut yourself off from your family and hope for the best. trust me you will be facing troubled times if you do not plan what you want good and you will have to be resposible fro her over here.

i say marry her, if your sure. find out if she was the one for you. face your family no matter what they say stand your ground and if she was not the one. then she was not the one. you will live an average of 60 years in this life. your parents may come around and change their mind or may never change their mind. only time will tell you that part. my suggestion. is go forward with yoru plans. you have already proposed to her. stand your ground on what you want if you want your finace. you have every right to pursue your dreams. the pursuit of happyness will always come with sacrifice, battles, sweat, tears, anger, frustration. but all this is part of life.

[jose_leti 7]

I can relate to the way you feel. My husband has no real job and I have been providing for him for 3 years now. Still I know how much he means to me and what he does for me emotionally (not to.mention keeping the house clean lol) but everyone only looks at the fact that he brings in no substantial income.

My family however loves my husband. But I had an unloved boyfriend in the past that got me kicked out. After that I moved to another state with no money and no job sleeping in my car. After about 2 months I would just call my parents and see how things were. Eventually the elephant in the room disappeared And we pretended like it never happened. My bf an I moved back a year later and my parents learned to accept him. We eventually got engaged though never proceeded with a wedding as we were better friends than a couple lol.

I think that even if your marriage failed after a year no one should hold that kind o mistake over your head. Sh*t happens. Divorce happens. Go it on your own and hopefully your parents will come around.

I will however tell you to use caution and make sure you really know someone who you are filing sponsorship for. I've seen too many ppl on this site surprised by finding out their spouse wasn't the person they thought they were (and I'm not even talking about fraud). I'm talkin about only spending "honeymoon" time with people and never seeing their flaws. My husband and I just began filing after 2 years of marriage lol.

I apologize if this is all over the place as it's hard to proof my posts on my iPod but I hope hearing a similar story with an okay outcome made you feel at least a tiny bit better

hey waht did you decide to do? how is everythiing going???

[Not a user 0]

hey waht did you decide to do? how is everythiing going???

Hey, thanks for all advice and good wishes. As for what I've done, Pretty much I'm sticking to the plan and giving my fiancee and me a chance. She wants me to talk to my parents and fix things, I'm not sure how that will turn out, I will soon find out soon enough... So far it has been a little over a month since we sent our I-129F, which means we got plenty of time to figure this out.

[The Mean Lady 604]

Hey, thanks for all advice and good wishes. As for what I've done, Pretty much I'm sticking to the plan and giving my fiancee and me a chance. She wants me to talk to my parents and fix things, I'm not sure how that will turn out, I will soon find out soon enough... So far it has been a little over a month since we sent our I-129F, which means we got plenty of time to figure this out.

good job. stand your ground!

[Dr. Obvious 49]

Just for some more inspirational posting, my husband's parents were absolutely pissed the hell off when they found out he was actually going to get married to me. They thought we were both way too young (22 and 23) and they honestly could not imagine why in the world I would want to move to Germany (read my occasional nutcase FIL thought I was in it for some kind of German green card fraud). They told him he'd be ruining his life and the whole idea was ridiculous.

Well, long story short, we got permission from the courts to marry while I was doing an internship in Mannheim. After my internship ended, we returned to his hometown, showed his parents the paperwork and gave them an ultimatum, saying that we were going to get married on such and such date. If you want to be there, fine, if not, fine, but we're getting married.

Then they finally conceded because they, for whatever reason, couldn't stomach the thought of their son getting married without an actual wedding and reception. They paid for the whole thing.

Fast forward to this summer: My IL's finally decided to come visit us in the US. We live far better, beyond their expectations and I finally get the best half-azzed apology I am going to get from FIL where he says "Well, we were through some bad times in the past, but me and your MIL can't do anything about that now, so...".

tl;dr: My IL's were strongly against us getting married. Took a little over 8 years, but they got over it. I think.

Edited January 21, 2013 by Wacken

[The Mean Lady 604]

Just for some more inspirational posting, my husband's parents were absolutely pissed the hell off when they found out he was actually going to get married to me. They thought we were both way too young (22 and 23) and they honestly could not imagine why in the world I would want to move to Germany (read my occasional nutcase FIL thought I was in it for some kind of German green card fraud). They told him he'd be ruining his life and the whole idea was ridiculous.

Well, long story short, we got permission from the courts to marry while I was doing an internship in Mannheim. After my internship ended, we returned to his hometown, showed his parents the paperwork and gave them an ultimatum, saying that we were going to get married on such and such date. If you want to be there, fine, if not, fine, but we're getting married.

Then they finally conceded because they, for whatever reason, couldn't stomach the thought of their son getting married without an actual wedding and reception. They paid for the whole thing.

Fast forward to this summer: My IL's finally decided to come visit us in the US. We live far better, beyond their expectations and I finally get the best half-azzed apology I am going to get from FIL where he says "Well, we were through some bad times in the past, but me and your MIL can't do anything about that now, so...".

tl;dr: My IL's were strongly against us getting married. Took a little over 8 years, but they got over it. I think.

I wonder what the statistics of Americans actually attempting green card fraud through marriage in other countries is.

Probably about as high as Canadians trying to commit fraud in to the US.

Edited January 21, 2013 by KDH

[Darnell 8,478]

Probably. Folk in Canada (not folk born in Canada) seem to fight tooth and nail to stay in Canada.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I wonder what the statistics of Americans actually attempting green card fraud through marriage in other countries is.

Probably about as high as Canadians trying to commit fraud in to the US.

I think it is probably quite low. There is no real advantage to switch around like that in the first world by marriage. The reason I moved to Germany was that I was disgusted with the whole USCIS process and decided to leave and come back later when I could file DCF->IR-1. Lucky for me, in Germany, they are so incredibly uninterested in marriage based immigration fraud from their VWP countries. Basically, you show up, go to the Standesamt, register your intent to marry, get it approved by the regional courts, marry, go to Auslaenderamt, get Aufenthaltserlaubnis & paper work for Arbeitserlaubnis and done. It is so, so easy to go to Germany. They don't have anything like a fiance visa and you just immediately adjust status from VWP to PR after marriage. I think they made some half-baked attempt to tighten things up by requiring very basic German skills and low income requirements for the German PR/citizen. YMMV being that my experience was 8.5 years ago. At the time I got married, he only had to make 400 euro a month.

I also figured it would be good for me to live there for a few years to understand him, his language, and culture better. I didn't have any strong ties to the US at that time, so no big deal for me. My FIL basically lived his entire life in one very rural small town and he's said some utterly bizarre, ignorant, and occasionally offensive things about the US based on ??? . Until this summer, he had never been to the US period. Sometimes he is fine and other times...tja...