Been here two weeks and its soooo hard .....

[verysadguy 170]

Do what my wife did! Do webcam shows with your old boyfriends, lie to your husband about it, and plan your escape when you get your AOS.

Sorry just a little frustration on my part with USCIS adjudication. In all honesty, I supported my new wife with as much as possible. Friends, phones, computers, internet, mid-week romantic dinners, a new dog, leads on classes, money for taxis to get out of the house (same as you, couldn't or didn't want to drive), weekend visits with family and friends etc. Also, I was super busy at work, too, but I always kept my cell phone near or my internet messenger on to contact my wife anytime she or I needed. Alas, to no avail as she cheated me blind. Better luck to you and let's hope you Brits are honest and faithful.

Hi everyone! I would be so glad to be able to share my feelings with people who have been/still are in a similar situation. I just hope I don't sound like a moaning, ungrateful woman! It just seems that after all the waiting, wading through paperwork, jumping through hoops to get approved; after all the stress of leaving family and friends and favourite possessions behind to get to the US to join my husband - I HAVE LANDED ON THE MOON!! My husband has a new, really demanding job and leaves the house at 6am - I always get up with him so that we can have a coffee together before he leaves. He arrives back around 7pm and I make sure I have dinner ready. I have no car at the moment and would probably be too scared to drive yet even if I had. There are no shops or any facilities within walking distance. The area is beautiful, the rental house is lovely and if I hadn't brought my two little dogs with me from the UK I think I would be hanging from a rope! I pleaded and threw my toys out of the pram until I got tv and the internet so I at least have this. But I have no idea how the US works - how to work out the new money thing - how to do a simple thing like buy a stamp and post a letter! I keep telling myself how lucky I am and trying to make the best of everything - the weather, for example, has been beautiful recently. Does anyone else remember feeling like this? Does it all come right in the end? I am a middleaged woman and had I been given the choice would rather not have made such a huge change later on in life. The things we do for love, eh? The trouble is that I am now beginning to feel apathetic and not wanting to do anything. Any fellow sufferers woes or good advice welcome!

[hope2018 25]

Do what my wife did! Do webcam shows with your old boyfriends, lie to your husband about it, and plan your escape when you get your AOS.

Sorry just a little frustration on my part with USCIS adjudication. In all honesty, I supported my new wife with as much as possible. Friends, phones, computers, internet, mid-week romantic dinners, a new dog, leads on classes, money for taxis to get out of the house (same as you, couldn't or didn't want to drive), weekend visits with family and friends etc. Also, I was super busy at work, too, but I always kept my cell phone near or my internet messenger on to contact my wife anytime she or I needed. Alas, to no avail as she cheated me blind. Better luck to you and let's hope you Brits are honest and faithful.

Sorry to hear about your situation. You deserve a better wife. Are you Vietnamese?

[Jahwaree 83]

Although U have the internet now, on say Sundays get the local newspaper, thats how U will learn and

have ideas about your city, when there are events, close cab service get fro your area that always

U can call, join the library, look into volunteering for local red cross or volunteer at a school near U

I hink U might be a tadbit home-sick because your history is back home, so get out make a few friends

and continue to love and take care of hubby.You gonna be just fine.

[scotinmass 588]

I think a lot of American spouses have not the slightest idea how difficult it is to give up everyone and everybody and move to what is essentially an alien land. Most of us who come here only know one person and are reliant on that person for everything. We gave up our past life to be with that person so it is their responsibility to do all they can to help us get used to our new very different and scary lives.

Being able to get around on our own is essential and if there is public transport available we have to be shown how to use it. There may be a card or ticket you have to purchase before you travel. Little things like getting on a bus or a train and not knowing the way things are done can be daunting enough to make you scared to try it. If their isn't public transport then driving is a must and your spouse needs to help you get a permit and take the test. My wife was there for me every step of the way and I couldn't have asked for a better teacher of American life.

I was lucky. I visited often and learned the everyday stuff before I moved here so when I did move I hit the ground running. I remember how proud I was of myself when I first traveled on a bus by myself. I learned the basics of driving here by watching my wife and for the first year I drove on my UK license. (Illegally but nobody ever stopped me and asked for it). The first time I drove on my own I ended up lost because I just followed everyone else because I wasn't sure what to do!

I applied for hundreds of jobs online and after a month I finally got one. Through work I started talking to other people and learning a bit more about everyday American life and did a bit of socializing. Every day it got a bit easier and I felt that I fitted in a bit more. I've been here almost 3 years now and it rarely feels strange. Every now and then I get that weird sense of unreality that this isn't my life but not as much.

When I return to Scotland for a visit it feels slightly strange to me. I lived there for 42 years and loved the place with a passion but now it is a vacation destination and Massachusetts is home and I'm glad to come back.

Hopefully everyone who is having problems fitting in will eventually get there and settle in to their new life but I feel that spouses should step up a bit and do more to help the process.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You would be surprised how many threads there are about this. You are most definitely not alone in how you're feeling! You pump up the idea of the move so much in your head, you miss each other while you're apart and you're FINALLY together but unlike your husband who's life basically continues like normal, yours has come to a full-stop... or so it feels.

A lot of people say stuff like "well at least you speak English" and yes, that's true, but in some ways i think that's harder because you EXPECT to know what people are saying, and to be understood. I had a lot of frustration in the beginning (while wedding planning by phone specifically) where people didn't understand me. I'm speaking English, why is it so hard! I found that I expected things to be similar to home and was annoyed/frustrated when they weren't. Going to Walmart was a huge ordeal the first time (and still bad the next few months). I have a sensitive digestive system and so I had, over the years, figured out what food was good for me and what was bad. My husband eats almost anything (except Vegemite... or peanut satay sauce) so asking him which particular food was better than the other was completely useless.. a lot of trial and error. I've gained weight since being here because so much of the food I can eat has random additives in it, or so much cheese, or that high fructose corn syrup...

I agree with everyone else that driving isn't as hard as you would think it would be and it makes a HUGE difference! Even if you don't go anywhere having the freedom to do so makes a huge difference to how you're feeling. I tried http://www.meetup.com but I admit that while the people were nice, you can't force friendships and I have yet to meet one of "my people"... if that makes sense. I do agree with doing some reading (I bought a Kindle and LOVE IT!), crochet/knitting (I started crocheting more).

My advice (in no particular order) is:

1. Try Netflix if you haven't already. Real lifesaver in the beginning for me
   
2. Get a bank account and have your husband put money in it (if you don't have any). Being able to pay for your own stuff (even if it IS his money) feels good
   
3. Start building your credit history/score. This means getting on your husbands credit card (if he has one), or getting a secured credit card yourself, store cards etc This will enable you to get a car loan later if you need to (on that same vein, you could start looking at the cars here and deciding what kind you would like to get)
   
4. Start thinking about documents you'll need for ROC and planning how to get some stuff you might not have. Some of it may take time to gather,
   
5. You'll be filing taxes together so maybe consider looking into how the tax system works here, W2's, 1044's and stuff like that
   
6. Consider taking over paying the household bills. While my husband pays for the bills, I actually do the transfers/payments and make sure they're paid on time and check them online etc
   
7. Hiring cars here is surprisingly cheap so look into that for on the weekend practising driving (thus protecting your husbands car ). Personally I use Avis for my rentals. They're cheaper on Friday, Sat or Sunday than during the week. Some rental places will drop off the rental car or come and pick you up, so ask about that.
   
8. If your family in the UK have smart phones, and you do too, install viber. You can send free texts and make free calls. There's also a thing called "Magic Jack" (link: http://www.magicjack.com/plus-v05/ ) a lot of people swear by that
   
9. Consider writing a blog. It's very cathartic (even if it's just a private diary). there are some great ones online. I read the "Aussie Girl in the US" one and the "Yank in Australia" one. Some of it's very funny. there's most likely some similar ones for the UK.
   
10. Find out the requirements to get a drivers license in your state and look into your state rules about using your UK license (if you have one). If you don't already have a license see if you can get a copy of the drivers manual and start reading up on it. Also look into your husbands car insurance company's policy about driving on a foreign license etc
    
11. If your husband has insurance through his work, if he's anything like my husband he doesn't use it often or have a regular doctor he see's. So mayhaps you can look into finding a doctor, dentist or other provider. You could also try finding a vet for your dogs that you like and putting your dogs on their system (I get emailed alerts for when shots/checkups are due).
    
12. If you haven't received your SSN already, look into getting that done
    
13. Look at job search sites, such as http://www.indeed.com to look at the sort of jobs you would like to do and what sort of pay and benefits you can expect. You could work on your resume (I know the Australian form of resume didn't conform with US standards)

Hope some of that gives you ideas! If you'd like the links to those blogs i mention above, I can PM them to you

[scotinmass 588]

A lot of people say stuff like "well at least you speak English" and yes, that's true, but in some ways i think that's harder because you EXPECT to know what people are saying, and to be understood. I had a lot of frustration in the beginning (while wedding planning by phone specifically) where people didn't understand me. I'm speaking English, why is it so hard!

I am constantly amazed by the average American's ability to be able to understand people with very heavy accents who speak very limited English yet they can't seem to understand a word I say when I am speaking perfectly clear English.

[Gloves 0]

Hello there!

This is an issue that is very close to my heart as I'm sure most VJr's on here. It's tough in the beginning. There can be no denying it. You go through 9 months plus of stress trying to get your visa and as soon as it's in your hand the whole idea of moving hits home hard. I have a great family and group of friends that I left back home in Northern Ireland and it was incredibly difficult to leave them. I moved here in June this year and after 2 months of organising wedding stuff, having our wedding it was slap bang into reality in August when my wife began school. She is doing her Masters and completes a 40 hour week with studies and work combined. It was incredibly tough seeing her leave at 7.30 am and not get back till 10pm twice a week never mind her 9-6 the other 3 days. I was very lonely and had cabin fever of being alone in our apartment for so long.

I struggled without a car, credit card, phone, friends to phone (!), no job.... it was incredibly difficult.

BUT, that was then... and only 6 months later I find myself having bought my first car, finally given a credit card, bought a new smart phone, working a job that I love, slowly building up a friends base and LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT. It just takes time to adjust but the good thing is that YOU WILL ADJUST. I treated it like a real adventure, trying my best to settle into the country, getting used to their silly little coins and useless $1 dollar bills! I still stare blankly at their coins and always forget their amount. Finding a car kept me focused and gave me a purpose for a while. We had a small budget but i shopped and shopped around till I found a bargain, a very fun experience.

Get involved in as much as possible. I have begun joining local sports clubs and since I miss rugby so much have set up my own youth rugby club here in West Virginia. Get involved, get out there and meet as many people as you can. I'm sure by now you'll realise how much Americans love your accent, its a great conversation starter.

MY BEST BEST BEST ADVICE is to get yourself a smart phone, I can't even stress how much of a help this was to me in keeping contact with friends and family. I got an Iphone and downloaded the following apps which I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend:

1. Whatsapp - allows you to text anyone in the world for free who has the same app.

2. Viber - allows you to phone anyone in the world for free who has the same app.

Both free and both amazing. I set up a group conversation on whatsapp with my sisters and parents and we text everyday and send pictures, its a lot of fun and has been a big help for me. Viber is also great as I can pick up the phone whenever I want and ring home.

I really want to stress that things will get better. It just takes time and soon you'll realise just how exciting and brave you are being for setting up a life in this great country with a ton of opportunities.

Good luck and keep using VJ for support!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I am constantly amazed by the average American's ability to be able to understand people with very heavy accents who speak very limited English yet they can't seem to understand a word I say when I am speaking perfectly clear English.

Do not even get me started! I had a call for my boss from a gentleman called "Art". My boss could NOT understand what I was saying! I had to spell it out for him and after getting off the phone he said I said "aht" without the "r". I just smiled but man... now I just use the gentleman's last name instead

[Anagramma 2]

Dear True Brit, you are lucky, because you speak the language. Two weeks is not enough, to judge how everything works here. When I got here, my english was very poor, I'm still learning. I didn't know how to start a car, now I'm driving every day 13 miles to work, 13 miles to home. I learned how to search for a job. At the beginning I didn't understud the meaning of the positions. I am economist, so I was looking for a position in my field. It wasn't easy to find one, but since more than a year I have a job, I got american experience, and I am ready to find another, better one. I can't get a higher position at my company, couse the language. I'm planning to go to the school, to get helped from professionals.

So, if you are patient, and you work hard to start a new life here, you can really make it. Stop beeing depressed! Don't waste your energy. Think positive! For me the change at the beginning it was like I was hit by a train, so I standed up, and start creating my own world here.

Good luck!

[Xanax 349]

I know exactly how you feel. I think eventually it gets better. I am only in my 20s but I feel the same way!

If you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me.

[Xanax 349]

I am constantly amazed by the average American's ability to be able to understand people with very heavy accents who speak very limited English yet they can't seem to understand a word I say when I am speaking perfectly clear English.

I feel the same way!

[Xris 0]

Culture shock can get you right between the eyes.

I'm a 54-year-old American and have been living mostly in Japan since 1982. It was hard at the beginning, but I'd kind of expected that, so I endured until I get readjusted. My husband is Japanese and has retired, so we're going to the US when all this petitioning and requesting and submitting is over. I'm a little worried about going back. What if I don't like it there anymore!

You'll be fine, just give it time. There's loads of good advice on this thread. Pick the ones that make the most sense to you. Show this thread to your husband. It's very hard for him to realize what it's like for you. He's home and doesn't have to think about every little thing. It feels as natural to him as it feels alien to you.

Sometimes being a native English speaker makes culture shock worse because you do speak the local language and can't blame a language barrier. It's the cultural differences that make it tough more than different languages. Cultural is learnable, you'll get there. Ask lots of questions. Invite your neighbors for a cup of coffee and cookies or piece of cake. People in the US often socialize with their neighbors. I've read that that's not very common in the UK and experienced it in Japan and Germany.

[Holly2234 66]

I have just replied to most of this in private message but the things i didnt, i will write here!

Buying stamps - Post office, supermarket, Walgreens etc. Basically the same as the UK. Im not sure if you have to buy them in books from certain places like the UK but someone here can probably tell you.

Posting letters - You can take it in to the post office and in my local one, there is a hole cut in to the screen type thing they sit behind and it goes on to the desk or put it in one of those big blue mail boxes. If it will make you feel better, i will go outside and take a picture of the one across the street!! Or you can put it in your mail box with the flag up. Or clip it to the front if you have one on your porch etc. I havent done this for fear of somebody stealing it out of my apartment building so i take it to the post office or a blue mail box.

Money - The best thing i have found is just dont convert it. Get used to bread being $1 (I refuse to pay more than that for bread!!) or milk being $3.50 or whatever. Stop trying to convert to £'s to see if it is cheap or not because it doesnt really matter if its cheap in pounds since we are not there any more. Just have to get used to new prices and strive to find cheaper

Anything else you think of, just let me know and i will do my best to answer or find out. I should probably make a blog post about little things like that so watch out for that Trudi! And for anyone who doesn't have the link to my blog and wants to read it, feel free to ask me for it

[EasternDE 35]

1. You'll be filing taxes together so maybe consider looking into how the tax system works here, W2's, 1044's and stuff like that

Ok, seriously, this one suggestion is very good. It is going to take you hours and hours to figure out the american tax system.

The best way to maximize your tax return the first year... Did your husband change his W2's when you got married? (Of course mine forgot...)

Unfortunately there is no tutorial... And I wouldn't be able to tell you where to start...

I actually had to take a day off to manage some phone calls and stuffs... You really really want to figure this out now and not in panic mode next April!

Also in the US, the more you know about taxes the less you pay, I find it to be a very unfair system in that way.

It's late but I want to tell you that I think it's better to start this way and go "crescendo".

Some people fall off their pink cloud after 6 months and it hurts a lot more.

Edited December 5, 2012 by EasternDE

[Moomin 292]

I think most of us know what you're going through, and I'm sorry it's frustrating standing with one foot in home country and one in the US.

Grow some confidence and gather the courage to drive - have your husband get you a (safe!) beater with a heater so you can get around doing the basics that you used to in home country, such as grocery shopping.

I brought my dog with me from home country and it takes the worst of the home sickness. I walk her every day on a leash for atleast an hour or two and it felt good to just get out and still have a routine of some sort. You could enroll your dogs in dog training - it comes with the benefit of socializing with other people.

Every Sunday I've convinced my mom to stick to the computer like superglue and keep skype running so we skype before she goes to bed and after I get up (7 hour time difference and she goes to bed very early) - I sometimes do the same with friends. While it's not like meeting them, it feels better to actually talk to them and see them rather than just emails and sitting in front of some letters. However, you still need to start adapting to your surroundings with networking of some sort, otherwise it'll just get harder - the friends and family from home country kind of gives me an "ooomf"/boost to help the days along over here. If you don't plan on working full-time, I'd suggest at least a few hours a week because it helps to get out there and not feel isolated. Or volunteering is an option, too. As you mention, a car(and license) is neccessary if you live in a rural area. Of course, there are hobbies you could have around the house/garden(I really like Lynne's idea with a vegetable garden).