Is your house clean or dirty?

[Sheriff Uling 3]

When your raising a child its hard to keep the house clean lol.

That is definitely true. It seems like the cleaning never ends when you have children...

MarilynP - Your husband must think you are a riot. I'm sure you are a blast at get togethers and parties.

Edited November 4, 2006 by Uling

[Marilyn. 340]

When your raising a child its hard to keep the house clean lol.

That is definitely true. It seems like the cleaning never ends when you have children...

MarilynP - Your husband must think you are a riot. I'm sure you are a blast at get togethers and parties.

you got that right... NOT!!

I am actually quite a shy person, unless I get to know a person then I can talk up a storm......

I just post funny ####### I find on the net....

Tomorrow I will do the housework, NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they're good ones).....

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

5. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

6. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

7. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

8. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

9. Simplify... hire a maid.

10: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

11. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

12. I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

13. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

14. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

15. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

16. When I get the urge to clean house, I lay down until it passes.

17. They're sure housework won't kill you, but why take the risk?

18. "Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers." Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

19. "Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed." Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

20. "Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun." Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

21. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

22. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for under-privileged children.

23. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

24. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it."

25. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere...!"

Thirty Minutes to a Cleaner House

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.

However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS

If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't find the key.

Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow.

CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.

Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE

No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.

Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS

If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.

Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS

Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.

Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS

Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.

Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES

No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)

Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING

The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.

Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES

Don't use them. Use plastic and you won't have to.

Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (PEEYOU)

This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.

CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.

Time: 3 seconds

SECRET TIP 10: IRONING

If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.

Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING

Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.

Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING

The key here is low, low, and lower....Bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.

Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING

Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.

Time: 0

SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS

Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.

Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 15:

If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

[Marilyn. 340]

HOUSECLEANING TIPS FOR INTERNET JUNKIES

Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs. Any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot. If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick!

Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.

Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.

Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke!

Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.

Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.

Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......

Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.

Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).

We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!

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My Housecleaning Philosophy

I don't do windows because ...

I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ...

I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...

They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because ...

I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because ...

I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ...

I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because ...

My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ...

I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ...

I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ...

"A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

Edited November 4, 2006 by MarilynP