Mitt's and The Republicans' closing arguments

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Mitt's case:

CINCINNATI — In an all-out effort to claim Ohio’s precious eighteen electoral votes, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney today airdropped two billion dollars in small bills over the Buckeye State.

The Romney campaign is hoping that the crisp currency, shipped directly from Las Vegas to Ohio by casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson, will help close the gap with President Obama in the waning hours of the campaign.

Using a fleet of twin-engine aircraft, Mr. Romney littered the skies over Ohio with five- and ten-dollar bills, reserving a special airdrop of twenties and fifties for the crucial swing district of Hamilton County.

Mr. Romney’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, denied that the dumping of several metric tons of money onto the state of Ohio represented a desperation move on his candidate’s part: “This is all a part of our closing argument, which is, vote for Mitt Romney and money will fall from the skies into your yard.”

The former Massachusetts governor seemed confident that his latest campaign tactic would be a winner for him, telling a crowd of supporters in Cincinnati, “I’m making it rain, homies!”

The Republicans:

WASHINGTON — With only one day until the election, the Republican Party today released its official closing argument to the American people.

In its entirety, the argument read as follows: “We’re strongly opposed to FEMA and health care, but basically O.K. with rape.”

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said that the Party’s message of “zero tolerance toward disaster relief combined with a more easygoing attitude about rape” would lead the Party to victory on Election Day.

“Our argument couldn’t be simpler: when God wants to create a hurricane or make a woman pregnant, big government should get out of the way,” he said.

The Party chairman said that the closing argument was part of its “expand the map” strategy: “We’re contesting every state, from Pennsylvania to Colorado to Iowa, where we believe there are voters who are in sync with our more advanced view of hurricanes and rape.”

Mr. Priebus also had this message for the American voter: “Your vote is important. We’ve spent billions trying to buy it.”

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Mitt's case:

The Republicans: