Feeling Dumb

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Devils advocate indeed.....what if her fiance was the first to post about her talking to her ex what would your response have been? What happens to the trust betrayed already? Discussing present with past,a chance for past to laugh secretly? Present doesn't even have an idea whats going on...Maybe i don't get you though but i still know my 'Dos and Donts' in a relationship/marriage....i submit.

Yes I think you misunderstand me. Your misquote of the OP implied she had romantic feelings for her ex. She might, but her actual post didn't imply anything of the sort. That said... I do not talk to any of my exes. They are exes for a reason. If I was friends with an ex and my husband had an issue with it then of course I would have to analyse my friendship with my ex and consider ending it (or at the least, cutting back on our interactions depending on how long we've been friends and why we broke up).

The OP said she called to talk to her ex about her issue at work. She said she did so because he's in the same profession as her and he would understand. I understand why she would feel this way, but feeling like her "ex would understand", regardless of being in the same profession, is dangerous territory. I'm sure there are other people that the OP works with, or studies with, that would also understand. The ex isn't the only other nurse in the world... which is why it's a little troubling that after a bad interaction with her fiance, she calls her ex to talk about her troubles instead. There's still way too much of an emotional attachment to the ex and she does need to put a stop to that. It doesn't mean she can't be friends or acquaintances, but he shouldn't be her first call when her fiance isn't reacting how she wants.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

''My fiance did not even show any of our emails or phone records. So of note, we had a lot of evidence. We had emails a list of 300+, skype convos 50 pages, text and phone records, about 30 pages'' Does this sound familiar?

Sounds like a someone wanting to stay put as long as the cash cow keeps sending money

[Faithful2012 34]

Alot of good points made here....but at the stage you are at in the visa journey and for you to write this means something....not necessarily something bad. but its something that you should evaluate. Its so hard to say or judge....so on that note....I strongly advise you to listen to your Intuition. Only you know the real intentions and you only will find out the real intentions.....Good luck and God bless.....(Praying it's nothing)

[Faithful2012 34]

I am assuming he is still in Nigeria?

Nigeria is a tough place to exist in, just getting up in the morning (after battling the night with Mosquitos), taking that shower (where is the water coming from, did he have to pull it from the well), getting to work or school or church (on the back of okada or even if he owns a car the cursed traffic is enough to drive one bonkers). So us as USC, well me, I take a step back sometimes when I'm dealing with my Fiancee. It's easy for me to sit back in my comfortabel environment sometimes and not watch my conduct with my Fiancee until I catch myself. For example, I've been on her to get copies of her school transcripts and I get pissed off at times. But when I realize that it's not like here where you can just saunter to the school and they'll give you a print out right away, then I chill out.

I am not making any excuse for him or his perceived conduct but I just want you to also realize that it's not just you that is apprehensive, he is about to leave everything and everyone he knows, his comfort zone to come to the US to be with you.

One thing for me as a person, I am not comfortable with you discussing him with your Ex, I am of the opinion that conversations with your Ex should be solely about the Kids that you have together. Does he know that you talk to your Ex in other than Kids relationship?

There's nothing wrong with being needy or seeking reassurance from your SO but is he on board with that in your relationship? Did you Guys talk about acceptables and unacceptables?

Weight is a big issue and it's generally not a good thing health wise (I'm overweight myself and working on it but what I do not do is BS myself that it's okay), is he okay with your weight? If he is then regardless of what his Sister says it shouldn't matter. He's not going to attack his Sister back in front of you like you probably want but if he is anything like I know most Nigerians I am certain that she and her had a good tete a tete.

Are his intentions true? About immigrations? I don't know since I don't know him. The benefits and opportunities that is available to even the most average American here in America draws folks from other countries (not just Nigeria) to consider things that they may not necessarily want to do (marrying older people, marrying outside of their faith, marrying without possibility of producing offsprings, etc). They may hide it for a while but it usually rears up typically after the GC is in hand. Does yours have the same potential? Only you know and I hope that you've done the due diligence necessary. Love, falling madly in love, etc on FaceBook IMHO is generally a disaster in the making, in my own personal opinion and of course there are always exceptions to the rule.

One more thing, do not shy away from your SO, follow your heart and don't play games. If you need to call him, do so. If you need to hear his voice, call him. Remember that he is going to be like your conjoined twin for at least the first 3 months (maybe less) when he arrives here. You two better be on the same wavelength mostly so that you and your kids have a stress free home life. He can't work, drive, etc, won't know where stuff is, and is going to be like potty training a newborn.

Good luck to you Guys. You've reached a milestone in your Visa Journey that most would envy, I know I do.

Very good points Gowon and funny as well when you talked about okada and so forth.....

[Tim/Mav 305]

Sounds like a someone wanting to stay put as long as the cash cow keeps sending money

That seems alot/abit rude. She asked a question. I feel she was looking for some comfort and not opposition. We cannot judge those we do not know. She needs friends right now and not of "Add Lib" She is capable of seeing her own light. Don't add Insult to Injury. I seen Good Comments and Bad Comments. I really think we should refrain from negitive thoughts that WILL get Stuck There in her mind. Proof of what.. ? Pre-Judging because he's Nigerian. I'm not God and neither are you. She is looking for encouragement right now. What is wrong with some of you people. She is intelligent on her own but everyone needs alittle help and this is where she asked. If you think your Life never had a problem and never asked for help I would call you a Liar. Life is never perfect, just ask Adam and Eve.

[Nancan 10]

Yes I think you misunderstand me. Your misquote of the OP implied she had romantic feelings for her ex. She might, but her actual post didn't imply anything of the sort. That said... I do not talk to any of my exes. They are exes for a reason. If I was friends with an ex and my husband had an issue with it then of course I would have to analyse my friendship with my ex and consider ending it (or at the least, cutting back on our interactions depending on how long we've been friends and why we broke up).

The OP said she called to talk to her ex about her issue at work. She said she did so because he's in the same profession as her and he would understand. I understand why she would feel this way, but feeling like her "ex would understand", regardless of being in the same profession, is dangerous territory. I'm sure there are other people that the OP works with, or studies with, that would also understand. The ex isn't the only other nurse in the world... which is why it's a little troubling that after a bad interaction with her fiance, she calls her ex to talk about her troubles instead. There's still way too much of an emotional attachment to the ex and she does need to put a stop to that. It doesn't mean she can't be friends or acquaintances, but he shouldn't be her first call when her fiance isn't reacting how she wants.

Where to start, well firstly let me clarify. Thank you Vanessa & Tony as you interpreted my statements correctly. I do not have romantic feelings for my ex. In fact I am friends still with a lot of my ex's as I tend to forgive and ask for forgiveness. But I have never reconciled with any of them, it's hard for me to fall back in love with someone once it's over. My ex is not the first call I make when I have issues, in fact I have not spoken to him in months until recently when he needed to use my truck for a move, so because this rift between my fiance is kinda unexpected for me I just spoke to my ex, knowing what he would say but was wondering if he would ferret out something I had not thought of before. I have never cheated on my fiance and am one of the most faithful companions one can have.

Thank you again Vanessa & Tony for understanding that these RN programs can be STRESSFUL add work to the equation and it almost spells disaster. Going though this program, being a single parent, trying to work, trying to maintain this home, rent, bills, life is as stressful to me as some days of living in Lagos. My fiance has running water, food and shelter, he has a car a better one than mine, he does not have to worry about paying rent or clothing children. He has an okay life in Lagos, not great but not the worst.

I'm sorry but I was mad that my fiance cut me off, had been short with me, and did not call me back. Then we I did speak to him about the issue about work his response was way off track, it didn't even make sense. He said it was too early for me to have such a day, doesn't make sense. To be honest I wrote on this page to get a grip on my feelings and the gauge whether I was being too emotional or way off, because I always feel like I'm right, you know?

I love some the responses I read as they give me insight to my short comings. Particularly the statement about being aware of always talking about negative things, or always focusing the conversation on myself. My sister does that and I hate it, I am always bored...That was very insightful. I honestly don't want to nag, and so I thank you for the advice. I don't want to hide my feelings either and resent him, so I just wanted to see what could be said about the situation.

@ Fafoo I did not understand what you said when you quoted my statement from the day we got our visa approval. Yes we had a lot of evidence, but things have been weird now since the approval. True enough I do need to learn that every disagreement doesn't mean our relationship is a fake.

[Nancan 10]

That seems alot/abit rude. She asked a question. I feel she was looking for some comfort and not opposition. We cannot judge those we do not know. She needs friends right now and not of "Add Lib" She is capable of seeing her own light. Don't add Insult to Injury. I seen Good Comments and Bad Comments. I really think we should refrain from negitive thoughts that WILL get Stuck There in her mind. Proof of what.. ? Pre-Judging because he's Nigerian. I'm not God and neither are you. She is looking for encouragement right now. What is wrong with some of you people. She is intelligent on her own but everyone needs alittle help and this is where she asked. If you think your Life never had a problem and never asked for help I would call you a Liar. Life is never perfect, just ask Adam and Eve.

Well said...well said....

[VanessaTony 3,567]

@ Fafoo I did not understand what you said when you quoted my statement from the day we got our visa approval. Yes we had a lot of evidence, but things have been weird now since the approval. True enough I do need to learn that every disagreement doesn't mean our relationship is a fake.

No every disagreement doesn't mean it's fake, but hopefully he doesn't think he's "in the clear" now he's had the approval and showing his true colours :S

what do you mean things have been weird? Have they actually been weird or are you maybe seeing things now he's got the all clear to come?

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

That seems alot/abit rude. She asked a question. I feel she was looking for some comfort and not opposition. We cannot judge those we do not know. She needs friends right now and not of "Add Lib" She is capable of seeing her own light. Don't add Insult to Injury. I seen Good Comments and Bad Comments. I really think we should refrain from negitive thoughts that WILL get Stuck There in her mind. Proof of what.. ? Pre-Judging because he's Nigerian. I'm not God and neither are you. She is looking for encouragement right now. What is wrong with some of you people. She is intelligent on her own but everyone needs alittle help and this is where she asked. If you think your Life never had a problem and never asked for help I would call you a Liar. Life is never perfect, just ask Adam and Eve.

The statement was not from the OP but from someone else asking the opinion of a statement and it is not uncommon for Nigerian scammers to blow an interview to milk some more money to take care of things at home before they set off to the US. I personally know a neighbor that ended up with a generator and a nice car from getting denied at the first interview, they also only stayed with the USC for less than a month after the second interview and arrival in the US. Everyone is so anxious to everyone get the visa but they aren't the ones that are on the hook for an affidavit of support or the aftermath of a failed relationship. If the couple is having this much trouble when they are far apart it probably won't be too long before they are sleeping in separate homes here. Marrying across cultures, especially ones that are very different is rarely a cake walk and if there are signs early one that the couple aren't on the same page they need to think about at least slowing things down if not cutting things off. I am not prejudging because he is a Nigerian I am seeing a couple that aren't happy with each other that are still pushing through the visa process because it is started. She has plenty of people telling her to ignore what is going on and push forward with the visa who know nothing of the Nigerian culture.

[Tim/Mav 305]

The statement was not from the OP but from someone else asking the opinion of a statement and it is not uncommon for Nigerian scammers to blow an interview to milk some more money to take care of things at home before they set off to the US. I personally know a neighbor that ended up with a generator and a nice car from getting denied at the first interview, they also only stayed with the USC for less than a month after the second interview and arrival in the US. Everyone is so anxious to everyone get the visa but they aren't the ones that are on the hook for an affidavit of support or the aftermath of a failed relationship. If the couple is having this much trouble when they are far apart it probably won't be too long before they are sleeping in separate homes here. Marrying across cultures, especially ones that are very different is rarely a cake walk and if there are signs early one that the couple aren't on the same page they need to think about at least slowing things down if not cutting things off. I am not prejudging because he is a Nigerian I am seeing a couple that aren't happy with each other that are still pushing through the visa process because it is started. She has plenty of people telling her to ignore what is going on and push forward with the visa who know nothing of the Nigerian culture.

Again: She can derive her own decisions. My personal thoughts maybe the same but I won't say that. If I told you your husband/finance was an ####--whole would you want to hear that? No, you would'nt. Why should she be different? What authority are you coming from? Advice is one thing but attacks are another. This is a K-1 Visa for God's Sake! Do you wish me to tell her GET OUT AND RUN. Maybe, but I won't say that. She has a Brain. I'm sure she pays attention to every post. I think it's way to early to jump to conclusions. Think of some of actions by members here.. There no better than the attack of the sister saying she's fat. Thats just cruel and uncalled for. and so are SOME of the Replies here.

[Nancan 10]

No every disagreement doesn't mean it's fake, but hopefully he doesn't think he's "in the clear" now he's had the approval and showing his true colours :S

what do you mean things have been weird? Have they actually been weird or are you maybe seeing things now he's got the all clear to come?

I'm saying his sister was very kind or at least cordial before the approval, but when he(my fiance) got his approval, she was not overjoyed, understandably and was rude to my face, it was the first time any such thing had happened. Since that happened we have both been nervous with one another. Although he said something really sweet the other night, he said it only after calling me so late in his evenings for the past few days in a row. So now he has not responded to me all day and I think it's rude. Before I go to sleep at night he is never far from my mind and so I assumed he would feel the same, but apparently he doesn't, but it doesn't mean it's a fake deal right?

[Tim/Mav 305]

I'm saying his sister was very kind or at least cordial before the approval, but when he(my fiance) got his approval, she was not overjoyed, understandably and was rude to my face, it was the first time any such thing had happened. Since that happened we have both been nervous with one another. Although he said something really sweet the other night, he said it only after calling me so late in his evenings for the past few days in a row. So now he has not responded to me all day and I think it's rude. Before I go to sleep at night he is never far from my mind and so I assumed he would feel the same, but apparently he doesn't, but it doesn't mean it's a fake deal right?

Nancan: You are jumping to many self thought-up conclusions. Foregive his Sister. That makes you more Mature. And then let it be. People have a tendancy to purposely hurt eachother and family or future is the target. Don't get caught-up into that. Anyone here knows that Long Distant relationships are the toughest. If you can't play the deck, then drop your cards and walk away. As I said before. Don't call or Text. The CARDS are in his hands now. Then you decide after some patience...

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm saying his sister was very kind or at least cordial before the approval, but when he(my fiance) got his approval, she was not overjoyed, understandably and was rude to my face, it was the first time any such thing had happened. Since that happened we have both been nervous with one another. Although he said something really sweet the other night, he said it only after calling me so late in his evenings for the past few days in a row. So now he has not responded to me all day and I think it's rude. Before I go to sleep at night he is never far from my mind and so I assumed he would feel the same, but apparently he doesn't, but it doesn't mean it's a fake deal right?

No it doesn't mean it's fake. Could be he's trying to get everything sorted out before coming over.

I was once upset that my fiance wasn't online on time. When he finally got on I told him that I was upset at waiting hours to talk to him. It was also after our approval. Turns out he'd been scrubbing the kitchen floor in preparation for my arrival (he worked full time and went to school full time and that was one of the few times he had the chance to do it)... and yep, I felt like a total cow about being upset about it.. especially when you consider we'd be together in person soon.

What exactly did she say to you? So you told her about the approval and she was like "YAY!! Shame he's moving to be with a fattie but yay for his approval"?. Or was it more like "You only have a short time to lose weight before he gets here"? If the latter maybe you mentioned it to her at some stage and she didn't realise it was rude?

Edited November 5, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[Nancan 10]

Nancan: You are jumping to many self thought-up conclusions. Foregive his Sister. That makes you more Mature. And then let it be. People have a tendancy to purposely hurt eachother and family or future is the target. Don't get caught-up into that. Anyone here knows that Long Distant relationships are the toughest. If you can't play the deck, then drop your cards and walk away. As I said before. Don't call or Text. The CARDS are in his hands now. Then you decide after some patience...

You are 100% correct! I did not call him, he did call me. Clarified what happened, and said some of the most heartfelt, most sincere things I have ever heard. He's so diplomatic that he made me want to smack myself for having such thoughts. In the end all I can say is I think this is real, I have to learn not to jump to conclusions, I hate my sign! my sister does this all the time we are the same sign, I see her do it all the time. But in my mind I just think the worst, think that people are against me. But he is not he said some of the most beautiful words I've ever heard...I must do better.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Again: She can derive her own decisions. My personal thoughts maybe the same but I won't say that. If I told you your husband/finance was an ####--whole would you want to hear that? No, you would'nt. Why should she be different? What authority are you coming from? Advice is one thing but attacks are another. This is a K-1 Visa for God's Sake! Do you wish me to tell her GET OUT AND RUN. Maybe, but I won't say that. She has a Brain. I'm sure she pays attention to every post. I think it's way to early to jump to conclusions. Think of some of actions by members here.. There no better than the attack of the sister saying she's fat. Thats just cruel and uncalled for. and so are SOME of the Replies here.

Actually there are days when I would use those words first. Nigerian men can be very hard headed. And the OP does have enough of a brain to look at boths sides of a coin, she doesn't need you demanding that everyone paint the world full of happy fairy dust and rainbows because it isn't.