Feeling Dumb

[Nancan 10]

Feel Better Nancan. Your friends are here. Think about it for a second>>> We got your mind off it for now. AND KEEP YOUR MIND OFF IT.... You know how to drive a Filipino Nuts? Take away their Cell Phone. . So put yours away too. Let him leave a message. Ignore all the Fraud Comments.

Thanks....*teary eyed*

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Feeling dumb as hell right now. Called my fiance last night to tell him about a horrible day at work, he said kinda short I'm in the shower I will call you back, so I never got to tell him why I was calling..... he didn't call me back. I understood he was getting ready for church , so I let it go. So this morning I text my fiance told him I had a horrible day at work yesterday, it was so bad i didn't get to study, but I promised I would go to church early today, asked what should I do. he wrote back, it's too early to have had such a bad day, all will end in praise. I thought, wow that didn't make sense. So I felt snubbed, not once from last night, but twice now. So I called my ex to discuss the work issue( he is a nurse like me.), who promptly began to tell me how dumb I was for beli

eving the intentions of my fiance, that it is almost assured that once he able to leave, he will do so. I have always disregarded what my ex would say because I felt an honest connection to my fiance and was/am head over heels in love with him and his kindness. To add insult to injury, the other day my fiances sister made fun of my weight in front of me to him and it hurt very much. I discussed it with him but it just made me feel a little doubt, even though he apologized for his sister's actions. So back to this morning, after speaking to my ex, I text my fiance and asked him to swear before God that his intentions are true, he has not responded, it's been over and hour. Am I being too sensitive? Am I watching the clock a little too closely? I'm feeling super stupid right now....

I am assuming he is still in Nigeria?

Nigeria is a tough place to exist in, just getting up in the morning (after battling the night with Mosquitos), taking that shower (where is the water coming from, did he have to pull it from the well), getting to work or school or church (on the back of okada or even if he owns a car the cursed traffic is enough to drive one bonkers). So us as USC, well me, I take a step back sometimes when I'm dealing with my Fiancee. It's easy for me to sit back in my comfortabel environment sometimes and not watch my conduct with my Fiancee until I catch myself. For example, I've been on her to get copies of her school transcripts and I get pissed off at times. But when I realize that it's not like here where you can just saunter to the school and they'll give you a print out right away, then I chill out.

I am not making any excuse for him or his perceived conduct but I just want you to also realize that it's not just you that is apprehensive, he is about to leave everything and everyone he knows, his comfort zone to come to the US to be with you.

One thing for me as a person, I am not comfortable with you discussing him with your Ex, I am of the opinion that conversations with your Ex should be solely about the Kids that you have together. Does he know that you talk to your Ex in other than Kids relationship?

There's nothing wrong with being needy or seeking reassurance from your SO but is he on board with that in your relationship? Did you Guys talk about acceptables and unacceptables?

Weight is a big issue and it's generally not a good thing health wise (I'm overweight myself and working on it but what I do not do is BS myself that it's okay), is he okay with your weight? If he is then regardless of what his Sister says it shouldn't matter. He's not going to attack his Sister back in front of you like you probably want but if he is anything like I know most Nigerians I am certain that she and her had a good tete a tete.

Are his intentions true? About immigrations? I don't know since I don't know him. The benefits and opportunities that is available to even the most average American here in America draws folks from other countries (not just Nigeria) to consider things that they may not necessarily want to do (marrying older people, marrying outside of their faith, marrying without possibility of producing offsprings, etc). They may hide it for a while but it usually rears up typically after the GC is in hand. Does yours have the same potential? Only you know and I hope that you've done the due diligence necessary. Love, falling madly in love, etc on FaceBook IMHO is generally a disaster in the making, in my own personal opinion and of course there are always exceptions to the rule.

One more thing, do not shy away from your SO, follow your heart and don't play games. If you need to call him, do so. If you need to hear his voice, call him. Remember that he is going to be like your conjoined twin for at least the first 3 months (maybe less) when he arrives here. You two better be on the same wavelength mostly so that you and your kids have a stress free home life. He can't work, drive, etc, won't know where stuff is, and is going to be like potty training a newborn.

Good luck to you Guys. You've reached a milestone in your Visa Journey that most would envy, I know I do.

Edited November 4, 2012 by Gowon

[feli114 65]

Has anyone thought about the fact that he is in Nigeria? Phone service isnt always the greatest. Maybe he has tried to call and could not get through. Relax. It will all work out.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Has anyone thought about the fact that he is in Nigeria? Phone service isnt always the greatest. Maybe he has tried to call and could not get through. Relax. It will all work out.

I did and this is an important consideration but OP wasn't concerned about him not calling as much as she was concerned about his responses during her call and also email to him. If I understood her correctly but you brought up a very good point nonetheless.

[Lins 1]

No relationship is perfect and no MAN is perfect either.If you really want to spend the rest of your life with him,then get ready for IN-INLAWS DRAMA,Its every where.You just have to learn how to handle them in a nice way and ignore some comments.seek for advice from sumone else,not your EX.

[elyhim 41]

I tell my fiancé when I have a bad day at work, she listens to me and tells me, you will have a better day tomorrow. This is what a relationship is about, supporting each other, in person or long distance. If he is not listening to you now, what the heck do you think he will do when he is with you 24 Hours a day?

This is what it is about, supporting each other, being the best friend and lover.

If he will lie to you then certainly he'll lie about swearing an oath to some fantasy sky king.

[ndu26 114]

I am an RN too though I trained in Nigeria and only did my bachelors here but I know generic students who are constanly stressed by the highly intense program. First be sure your work does not jeopardizeur studies( that would mean more down time for you). Has your stress level gotten to the point where that is all he hears. Do you also call him to share fun and exciting moments. While you are both supposed to support each other and be a listening ear, too much complaints and depresssing conversation is a turn off. Do you also give time for him to share his moments, thoughts, fears etc? or is every conversation all about you? he can only hear so much without appearing bored.

depending on his culture and his sister age in relation to him he may not rebuke her in front of you. That being said, just as Gown pointed out, if your weight bothers you to the point of bringing down your self esteem( whther he is concerned or not) then do something about it FOR YOURSELF!

I have not followed your timeline to know why you are still talking to your EX...but talking to your ex about your fiance is a BIG NO NO !!!!!! it also appears like you are not overhim yet when you say "he is your reality check and his romance"..... does what to you? What is happening is that you are now comparing both men. Please if there is legitimate reason to maintain contact with your ex like kids from the relationship then that is fine but NEVER discuss your current relationship with him...most people will always feed you negative stuff about it because they are no longer with you.

That being said. listen to your heart about your relationship and try to be objective. Give allowance for human weakness but be alert to potential issues in the future.

RELATIONSHIPS FAIL REGARDLESS OF NATIONALITY some lasting only few days( we hear and see it every time on the news)...so lets not take this fraud stuff to the extreme and use it as a demeaning factor against Nigerians at every opportunity.

I wish you all the best....stay on top!!!

[QueenE 174]

Feeling dumb as hell right now. Called my fiance last night to tell him about a horrible day at work, he said kinda short I'm in the shower I will call you back, so I never got to tell him why I was calling..... he didn't call me back. I understood he was getting ready for church , so I let it go. So this morning I text my fiance told him I had a horrible day at work yesterday, it was so bad i didn't get to study, but I promised I would go to church early today, asked what should I do. he wrote back, it's too early to have had such a bad day, all will end in praise. I thought, wow that didn't make sense. So I felt snubbed, not once from last night, but twice now. So I called my ex to discuss the work issue( he is a nurse like me.), who promptly began to tell me how dumb I was for beli

eving the intentions of my fiance, that it is almost assured that once he able to leave, he will do so. I have always disregarded what my ex would say because I felt an honest connection to my fiance and was/am head over heels in love with him and his kindness. To add insult to injury, the other day my fiances sister made fun of my weight in front of me to him and it hurt very much. I discussed it with him but it just made me feel a little doubt, even though he apologized for his sister's actions. So back to this morning, after speaking to my ex, I text my fiance and asked him to swear before God that his intentions are true, he has not responded, it's been over and hour. Am I being too sensitive? Am I watching the clock a little too closely? I'm feeling super stupid right now....

your kidding right? these are the reasons that made you all conclude that he is up to no good? maybe marriage isn't for you, cause somedays things will be worst than not being attended to and his sister calling you fat and he saying sorry.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

This is what it is about, supporting each other, being the best friend and lover.

If he will lie to you then certainly he'll lie about swearing an oath to some fantasy sky king.

My Niece has used the exact same words

I am an RN too though I trained in Nigeria and only did my bachelors here but I know generic students who are constanly stressed by the highly intense program. First be sure your work does not jeopardizeur studies( that would mean more down time for you). Has your stress level gotten to the point where that is all he hears. Do you also call him to share fun and exciting moments. While you are both supposed to support each other and be a listening ear, too much complaints and depresssing conversation is a turn off. Do you also give time for him to share his moments, thoughts, fears etc? or is every conversation all about you? he can only hear so much without appearing bored.

depending on his culture and his sister age in relation to him he may not rebuke her in front of you. That being said, just as Gown pointed out, if your weight bothers you to the point of bringing down your self esteem( whther he is concerned or not) then do something about it FOR YOURSELF!

I have not followed your timeline to know why you are still talking to your EX...but talking to your ex about your fiance is a BIG NO NO !!!!!! it also appears like you are not overhim yet when you say "he is your reality check and his romance"..... does what to you? What is happening is that you are now comparing both men. Please if there is legitimate reason to maintain contact with your ex like kids from the relationship then that is fine but NEVER discuss your current relationship with him...most people will always feed you negative stuff about it because they are no longer with you.

That being said. listen to your heart about your relationship and try to be objective. Give allowance for human weakness but be alert to potential issues in the future.

RELATIONSHIPS FAIL REGARDLESS OF NATIONALITY some lasting only few days( we hear and see it every time on the news)...so lets not take this fraud stuff to the extreme and use it as a demeaning factor against Nigerians at every opportunity.

I wish you all the best....stay on top!!!

An astute post.

Edited November 4, 2012 by Gowon

[RosyG 3]

I would say prayer is the key and foundation of any relationship. i am Nigerian and i have a husband who behaves to me the way your fiance is doing. i cant say he doesnt love me or he is up to anything silly becos i know i am sometimes at fault of wanting to receive attention every minute if possible, lol. Its not about him being nigerian, no, like what i do when my hubby ignores me and i get extremely mad he will call me up to address issues and let me know his love still stands but this is after i have stopped calling him for sometime and he calls me up out of fear of losing me. U shouldn't go back to your fiance for advise becos he will never give u the right advice and at the same time, u know him beta than we all do and should know whether he is actually in love with u or not. Leave him and dont call him for a while and i tell u he will come running back for fear of losing u but above all, be prayerful. God must be the foundation of your relationship for it to survive. I wish u well dear friend.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Here's my opinion assuming he IS in love with you and not using you... What is the time difference? There is now a 17 hour time difference between here and Australia. My then fiance would often not hear from me, and vice versa while I was at work, or sleeping of course.

Now think about the ####### day you had. What if he's in the middle of a ####### day? As much as he probably wants to text/talk to you he probably doesn't have time to right now. He could also be in a bad mood right now and not want to subject you to it. He could also be annoyed that the first words out of your mouth were "my day was #######".

Now think about how you would feel if you received a text asking if you were using him. I know I would be offended if my husband suggested that I was and asked me to swear that I wasn't. After all, if he didn't trust me then why would he trust my answer? And if he doesn't trust me why would I leave my family, friends, job and life to live with that distrust every time I'm not perfect?

Also, his sister made fun of your weight. My husband might not get into it with his family in front of me (it would start something huge) but he might make a smart-####### remark. He's American though. Often if he was using you his family would be in on the scam (as they often are) and so being nice to you would help you feel included and to trust him and his intentions. If you are being scammed, and if his family isn't in on the scam, then its unlikely he talks to them about you in a manner which tells them that they better respect and be nice to you, so they can't understand him wanting to leave their country for you.

If he IS scamming you then maybe he just didn't feel like dealing with you that particular morning. He might not know how to properly reply to your text about fraud without it sounding like he IS committing fraud so he might be waiting till he gets advise from his scammer friends on how to deal with it.

------

The ONLY person who can really judge whether he is truthful or not is you. There are times when you might experience doubt. Nigeria is one of the high fraud countries.. but that doesn't mean fraud doesn't exists elsewhere, and it doesn't mean that every person out of there is a scammer. Even if he was living in the country some people are scammed for money, for somewhere to live, to steal from them... heck some women scam men into sleeping with them so they can have kids to them and get child support out of them.

If you believe you might be being scammed you have basically 2 options:

1. Believe it and end it; or

2. Ignore it and bring him anyway

If you end it without knowing for sure, you might always regret your decision. If you ignore it and he IS using you then it could suck for you, and quickly.

Being a woman I think he was insensitive to your needs, doesn't mean he's scamming you but if he isn't giving you what you need, fraud or not, then there's your answer.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I have not followed your timeline to know why you are still talking to your EX...but talking to your ex about your fiance is a BIG NO NO !!!!!! it also appears like you are not overhim yet when you say "he is your reality check and his romance"..... does what to you?

You misquote the OP. Her actual comment is this: "My ex I talk to because he is like a reality check for me, as I feel carried away with this romance sometimes."

Which i take to mean that she feels overwhelmed by the romance given to her by her fiance and sometimes feels the level of romance she feels could be fake or that she's not seeing clearly. So her ex provides her with the "devils advocate" view, devoid of her loving emotion for her fiance.

[Fafoo 24]

Conclusions

1. You don't trust him enough

2. Sounds like you are older than him

3. All men crumble when a woman nags,hard to handle

4. Your EX...really?? That's a NO-NO

5. Have you met Nigerians? Trust me it has nothing to do with our country

6. Everyone needs their space sometimes,what if he's on the sick bed?

7. Move closer to your God

8. Approach every issue constructively

9. Apply wisdom

10. That's why we are here on VJ...Trust me,everything will be fine with your RN program....you're already a success story,it gets tough and really hard when a breakthrough is about to happen....

[Fafoo 24]

You misquote the OP. Her actual comment is this: "My ex I talk to because he is like a reality check for me, as I feel carried away with this romance sometimes."

Which i take to mean that she feels overwhelmed by the romance given to her by her fiance and sometimes feels the level of romance she feels could be fake or that she's not seeing clearly. So her ex provides her with the "devils advocate" view, devoid of her loving emotion for her fiance.

Devils advocate indeed.....what if her fiance was the first to post about her talking to her ex what would your response have been? What happens to the trust betrayed already? Discussing present with past,a chance for past to laugh secretly? Present doesn't even have an idea whats going on...Maybe i don't get you though but i still know my 'Dos and Donts' in a relationship/marriage....i submit.

[Fafoo 24]

''My fiance did not even show any of our emails or phone records. So of note, we had a lot of evidence. We had emails a list of 300+, skype convos 50 pages, text and phone records, about 30 pages'' Does this sound familiar?