Dying to live

[rlogan 2,036]

Hi Chocnut

People feel lost when they don't have an action plan. You've identified several things that caused you to lose important parts of your personality. Depending on him for driving is one, so right there is something you can plan. Write down a plan for attaining the license - the written exam and the driving skills exam. If you are studying the drivers' manual instead of stressing out about not having a license you are going to feel better. If he doesn't have money to pay for lessons then sell something. Your mental health is more important than some stupid posession.

If you miss kids and being around school then if you can't apply for work then look for where you can volunteer. Or have kids with your husband. The part about having friends - you have to be careful with that. We had a lot of morons telling us how important it was to have my wife go out and make friends with other people instead of relying on each other so much. One common suggestion was running out and finding other Filipinos to associate with. But friends are never to be chosen lightly and most especially not chosen simply because they are Filipino, or white, or in the same religion. It does indeed take time to find true friends.

We do videochat with her family and it's amazing.

One thing about a fear you expressed - feeling like you depend on your husband too much emotionally. The last thing you ever want to to is hide your feelings from him. You absolutely must communicate fully and openly with him. You will start to live a separate life inside your head and grow apart if you don't. He can't help fix a problem he doesn't know about. Men are pretty stupid and don't understand anything except being told directly, clearly, and forcefully. It's great to hear how highly you spoke of him. Many times on this forum we hear people talk about how much they gave up, without a single nice thing to say about their husband. You must really love him.

[adiiann 163]

I definitely suggest to learn how to drive and get your driver's license as soon as possible. Being free and conveniently go wherever you want without depending to anyone to drive you is a huge plus for overcoming the feeling of being stagnant in a new environment and it's easy to find job too.

[Chocnut 5]

Chocnut,

It is something to read someone else writing your own story..

I hope it is not gone, that who i was is somewhere..just sleeping.

As u mentioned the leaves of the fall..yes, but after, spring comes, and it s back to shiny.

Hope it gets better soon, and meanwhile, try to enjoy life:)

Thanks Oceanbreeze. Kind words like that are precious especially in times like this.

I'm missing my old self. It's different when you can speak your native tongue and express the way you are with people who will totally get it.That alone seems to be a barrier in expressing myself because culture limits the language. On the other hand, I'm seeing this as an opportunity to develop self-expression through this new culture. How to do it, I don't know yet. I'm just glad my husband understands me and that's enough for me.

I think you're right. Maybe it's not gone. Maybe it's just asleep, waiting to learn how to express herself in ways that people of different culture will understand.

Appreciate the insight. God bless you:)

[Chocnut 5]

Hi Chocnut

People feel lost when they don't have an action plan. You've identified several things that caused you to lose important parts of your personality. Depending on him for driving is one, so right there is something you can plan. Write down a plan for attaining the license - the written exam and the driving skills exam. If you are studying the drivers' manual instead of stressing out about not having a license you are going to feel better. If he doesn't have money to pay for lessons then sell something. Your mental health is more important than some stupid posession.

If you miss kids and being around school then if you can't apply for work then look for where you can volunteer. Or have kids with your husband. The part about having friends - you have to be careful with that. We had a lot of morons telling us how important it was to have my wife go out and make friends with other people instead of relying on each other so much. One common suggestion was running out and finding other Filipinos to associate with. But friends are never to be chosen lightly and most especially not chosen simply because they are Filipino, or white, or in the same religion. It does indeed take time to find true friends.

We do videochat with her family and it's amazing.

One thing about a fear you expressed - feeling like you depend on your husband too much emotionally. The last thing you ever want to to is hide your feelings from him. You absolutely must communicate fully and openly with him. You will start to live a separate life inside your head and grow apart if you don't. He can't help fix a problem he doesn't know about. Men are pretty stupid and don't understand anything except being told directly, clearly, and forcefully. It's great to hear how highly you spoke of him. Many times on this forum we hear people talk about how much they gave up, without a single nice thing to say about their husband. You must really love him.

Thanks for this reply. You're right about action plans. I am a big believer of balance, that while it is important to allow ourselves to experience all sorts of emotions, we have to do something about the causes of our grief. However, in spite of the plans we had, it's the process of "getting there", the waiting, the daily-ness of things, is I think what seems to highlight the pains that changes bring. Sometimes, knowing is not the same thing as feeling. My head may know that things are temporary, that this too shall pass, but it doesn't follow that the heart would instantly feel how it is supposed to feel. It needs time. I guess the best I can do now is to make the most of each day while working on the action plan. On the other hand, I've given up on rushing things and trying to get the solution right here right now. I am just learning to accept things as they are and trusting that everything is beautiful in GOD's time. No, this doesn't shield me from feeling lost from time to time, but it helps me appreciate what I have and make the "getting there" a delight.

One thing about a fear you expressed - feeling like you depend on your husband too much emotionally. The last thing you ever want to to is hide your feelings from him. You absolutely must communicate fully and openly with him. You will start to live a separate life inside your head and grow apart if you don't. He can't help fix a problem he doesn't know about. Men are pretty stupid and don't understand anything except being told directly, clearly, and forcefully. It's great to hear how highly you spoke of him. Many times on this forum we hear people talk about how much they gave up, without a single nice thing to say about their husband. You must really love him.

This is SUCH A RELIEF! Thank you for mentioning this. I worry day in and day out if I give him too much information than he can handle and it's hard to believe that he can take it because he's more of the logical-type. I just take his word for it. Lol, he's like my therapist ) THe interesting parts is, all he says is "What's bothering you?", listens, and just hugs me. That's it. It works wonders. Seems to be helping our marriage, too. When I tell him everything, we seem to develop the friendship part better.

And if I love him so much and speak highly of him, as Alanis Morissette put it, "I couldn't help it, it's all his fault."

I definitely suggest to learn how to drive and get your driver's license as soon as possible. Being free and conveniently go wherever you want without depending to anyone to drive you is a huge plus for overcoming the feeling of being stagnant in a new environment and it's easy to find job too.

Indeed:) That's what my mom and mother-in-law have been saying. Just need to brace the rainy days for practice:/

[Darnell 8,478]

Balance shifts loads after working.

Strongly suggest you get to the big university in your city and apply for work with the HR department.

It'll keep you busy, and not so much time to analyze stuff. Not discounting this analysis, but simply saying...

Working is a godsend...

Edited October 28, 2012 by Darnell

[rlogan 2,036]

but it doesn't follow that the heart would instantly feel how it is supposed to feel. It needs time.

Feelings are facts. They are long-lasting too. I understand. You can't just wave a magic wand and suddenly feel great. That's unrealistic.

THe interesting parts is, all he says is "What's bothering you?", listens, and just hugs me. That's it. It works wonders. Seems to be helping our marriage, too. When I tell him everything, we seem to develop the friendship part better.

That's wonderful. Some men, especially young ones without much experience with women, have not learned how important it is to bring those feelings out of a wife. Just saying them is a great step forward. A husband with the ability to state them in his own words and really show empathy is even better.

One benefit of what you've done here is to show others that they are not alone. They are not crazy or weak or immature. Seeing that others struggle with it makes people feel like they are normal. Nothing wrong with them. And that in time it will improve.