dragging feet to come to the US

[Boiler 45,486]

That was why I was wondering about how it was decided he would be the one to move.

[Peter_Pan 661]

Ok, mean answer, so feel free to ignore it if you are faint of heart.

What I make of it: OP was going through a rough time with dating when tada, here comes Prince Charming completely out of her league. She becomes infatuated with him, he becomes infatuated with the idea of marrying an American doctor. The OP doesn't want to admit to the truth, so she wishes to receive from her husband things no one would ask from an arm-candy. She is disappointed and wondering why she isn't getting them.

Well, OP, that wasn't the deal you signed up for. I don't believe in big differences between partners, in looks, brains or money.

Learn to love yourself, even if you are single forever. Hell, go to India and get impregnated by your hubby then dump his sorry ####. Or enjoy the months/years you will have together until he leaves you.

[TBoneTX 45,284]

"Handsome is as handsome does." I don't see that this guy is very good-looking.

Good relationships, like cars, require regular maintenance. When a car constantly requires major repairs, it's time to look for another. Same with relationships.

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

Ok, mean answer, so feel free to ignore it if you are faint of heart.

What I make of it: OP was going through a rough time with dating when tada, here comes Prince Charming completely out of her league. She becomes infatuated with him, he becomes infatuated with the idea of marrying an American doctor. The OP doesn't want to admit to the truth, so she wishes to receive from her husband things no one would ask from an arm-candy. She is disappointed and wondering why she isn't getting them.

Well, OP, that wasn't the deal you signed up for. I don't believe in big differences between partners, in looks, brains or money.

Learn to love yourself, even if you are single forever. Hell, go to India and get impregnated by your hubby then dump his sorry ####. Or enjoy the months/years you will have together until he leaves you.

I'll admit, Peter Pan and myself don't always see eye to eye, but this post isn't mean but spot on. From what I and other posters see on this forum, your sole motivation for being with him is because he looks good and you think you can't get any better. There seems to be nothing else behind it, and I hate to say it but she is right, if he is acting this way from over there, once he comes here, the pain will only get worse...

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Well Rkk1, my "but he's acting like a lot of Indian guys I know, it could get better" view is shifting with this latest development.

Personally, I've seen a handful of desi guys get on board after an adjustment period [which I, the arm-chair social scientist, feel is based on cultural peer pressure in the US]. But, it appears your husband is so entrenched in his textbook Indian son lifestyle that he isn't seeing the tree for the forest [or the forest for the trees - I always get that one mixed up]. He is firmly in the throws of the good little beta black hole. The funny thing is, longer term, shifting to the US and having a respectable and loving relationship with you will probably pan out better [with respect to general happiness and finances] than what he thinks is working at home. Given his propensity to be argumentative to win the point and feel superior, common sense [which you appear to have a great grasp of] doesn't matter to him. He is very in-the-moment centric. [Again, I think this is a symptom of Indian-guy thinking - based in culture, past experiences, etc - my now US-based husband still thinks retirement planning is all bunk because we could die at any time. Questioning this leads to a list of cousins, friends, family, neighbors and a litany of accidents, illnesses, and other bizarre circumstances that lead to untimely deaths. Granted, it took time, but we know have a retirement plan in progress.]

Think hard and keep talking to your family. Also, at one point you mentioned having a therapist - I know many med schools have great supplemental/auxiliary programs on campus for life-issues. Utilize them! Take some deep breaths, start [or keep writing] a journal. Since he's dragging his feet, it gives you time to come to a decision that works for you. If that decision leads to ending the marriage, then so be it - get the support you need to make it as quick and painless as possible.

Never have a read a funnier post on VJ. Major kudos, immense actually.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

On topic.

So I woke up this morning to email advising that they (USEM Lagos) was unabel to reach my Fancee on the phone (which was a good thing because they woudl have received crying and wailing).

Basically they had to reschdule our interview out by 2 weeks.

WHen I relayed the news to my Fiancee was totally devastated emotionally that it's now going to be another two weeks until she see's me. Her Mum said it took 2 hours for her to console herself.

This is how it's supposed to be. Two beating hearts are supposed to be yearning for each other, trying their gosh darnest to be joined at the earliest opportunity. It's not supposed to be dragging ones feet and making excuses.

Good luck to all of us on this journey.

[rkk1 34]

What I make of it: OP was going through a rough time with dating when tada, here comes Prince Charming completely out of her league. She becomes infatuated with him, he becomes infatuated with the idea of marrying an American doctor. The OP doesn't want to admit to the truth, so she wishes to receive from her husband things no one would ask from an arm-candy. She is disappointed and wondering why she isn't getting them.

Nice try of leaving an antagonistic post, once again. But your post is full of wrong assumptions. I was never infatuated with my husband. He is the one who proposed to me 30 times, until I finally said 'yes'. He is the one who loves showing me off to all this friends, co-workers, students, and everyone else. I was the one who initially felt shy to meet everyone because I was conscious about having some extra pounds, but he then proceeded to tell me that I am prettier than any other girl in his city. So apparently, I'm the 'arm candy' to him... not the other way around. Not that looks really matter all that much, as I'd prefer to be valued on my personal qualities more than just my appearance. But at the least, your comment about him being out of my league is a bit baseless.

[rkk1 34]

Basically they had to reschdule our interview out by 2 weeks.

WHen I relayed the news to my Fiancee was totally devastated emotionally that it's now going to be another two weeks until she see's me. Her Mum said it took 2 hours for her to console herself.

This is how it's supposed to be. Two beating hearts are supposed to be yearning for each other, trying their gosh darnest to be joined at the earliest opportunity. It's not supposed to be dragging ones feet and making excuses.

Good luck to all of us on this journey.

Sorry for your extra 2 weeks of delay. I agree that this is how it should be between 2 people who love each other. My husband is really sweet to me, and told me a little while ago that he loved me. Yet it does worry me that he is so freaked out to leave his home country, as I think things would get a lot worse if he comes here and develops home sickness. I'd be afraid that he would blame me for every problem here, and blame me for dragging him out here for every thing that doesn't go his way.

[rkk1 34]

It would seem that your Husband has much more in the way of ties than you have to the US.

Why did the two of you decide he should be the one to move?

It was known from the time we started talking initially, that I would not be open to moving to India... not even a consideration until I am much older. I'm a medical student who will graduate with nearly $200,000 in loans. Those loans HAVE to be paid off, and they surely aren't going to happen with the money I make in India.

[rkk1 34]

rkk1 - lass, you got the wrong fella. All of his scheduling forays could have been easily handled. He's chosen not to do stuff on YOUR schedule, and IMO, that's just the window dressing on the windowpane into a painful future existence.

He can't claim ignorance on anything - he DOES, after all, have a computer, internet access, and semi-decent google skills.

Thanks Darnell. I agree. This is the heart of my current contention with him. Like I've said before, he's extremely sweet and nice to me. But his lack of follow-through is a tremendous red flag. I have decided that I won't hold his hand through this visa process by doing all the work for him. I'll step back and let him take care of doing all the work to get his own documents together, while I do nothing but reflect on the situation.

[Peter_Pan 661]

Nice try of leaving an antagonistic post, once again. But your post is full of wrong assumptions. I was never infatuated with my husband. He is the one who proposed to me 30 times, until I finally said 'yes'. He is the one who loves showing me off to all this friends, co-workers, students, and everyone else. I was the one who initially felt shy to meet everyone because I was conscious about having some extra pounds, but he then proceeded to tell me that I am prettier than any other girl in his city. So apparently, I'm the 'arm candy' to him... not the other way around. Not that looks really matter all that much, as I'd prefer to be valued on my personal qualities more than just my appearance. But at the least, your comment about him being out of my league is a bit baseless.

Well, duh, how else are you gonna win over an insecure girl? By complimenting her, and laying it thick too. Read your own posts, I am too lazy to go back. You said it yourself that you are taken by his good looks, and young age, and that you see yourself as being out of his league.

And how did he show you off? As the love of his life, or as his victim, ripe for the milking? You would be surprised just how cruel people are, I know guys that would "show off" their new ladies to their friends, that snickered behind their backs, knowing the moment they put out, they're gone.

[HannahP 119]

I agree with bebero, Sorry rkk1, But you need to grow up and take care of yourself like adults do. Get a part-time job, pay for your expenses.

Dude, she's in medical school. Not exactly getting a communications degree from her local community college. Plus, it's obvious if you read her other posts, it's obvious that the money is about making a token gesture and not actually about paying her expenses.

[Darnell 8,478]

Thanks Darnell. I agree. This is the heart of my current contention with him. Like I've said before, he's extremely sweet and nice to me. But his lack of follow-through is a tremendous red flag. I have decided that I won't hold his hand through this visa process by doing all the work for him. I'll step back and let him take care of doing all the work to get his own documents together, while I do nothing but reflect on the situation.

That'll be best, IMO, for the two of you.

Being a business owner like that - is easy to get in a surrogate teacher for however long he needs.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Nice try of leaving an antagonistic post, once again. But your post is full of wrong assumptions. I was never infatuated with my husband. He is the one who proposed to me 30 times, until I finally said 'yes'. He is the one who loves showing me off to all this friends, co-workers, students, and everyone else. I was the one who initially felt shy to meet everyone because I was conscious about having some extra pounds, but he then proceeded to tell me that I am prettier than any other girl in his city. So apparently, I'm the 'arm candy' to him... not the other way around. Not that looks really matter all that much, as I'd prefer to be valued on my personal qualities more than just my appearance. But at the least, your comment about him being out of my league is a bit baseless.

[Laveau 67]

Well, OP, that wasn't the deal you signed up for. I don't believe in big differences between partners, in looks, brains or money.

This is true true true. Although, I had to learn it the hard way.