dragging feet to come to the US

[Aschenbecher 16]

i have to ask, was it a arranged marriage ?

[av8or 34]

to the op.. let me start by apologizing to what i have to say.. there is no way to suger coat it and it seems that everyone here is pretty much saying the same thing.. you need to get your s#$#$t together and stop dreaming of what a good life you will be having by keeping your marriage intact.. you are a grown woman and need to make wise decisions.. there is no such thing as "and they lived happily ever after" anymore.. stop living a fairy tale life and just divorce the SOB and move on..

[Maria TH 20]

Thank you for your kind words. That's really sweet.

Unlike others have said, my parents are not pushing me in this marriage. They have told me that they will support me if we go for a divorce. They are not encouraging me to divorce, but they have said that it would be okay if that is what I end up deciding. In fact, they were telling me that they are concerned about me, as I've lost some of my confidence since being with my husband. They think I've become clingy on him, and seem to have lost some of my own identity in this relationship. So they are worried and want me to come back to my own self again.

You have got the best advice from your parents! Listen to them.

Compared to all of those other guys, my husband was a gem. When I met him I was badly weary after about 4 miserable years on the dating scene. Yes, he was badly clingy in the beginning which put me off. But he made me feel safe, loved, beautiful, valued, etc. We were each other's first and only lovers (though we both had relationships in the past that didn't work out). Being each other's first was important to me, as I didn't want someone with a ton of prior partners. He is really handsome as well, and 3 years younger than me, and had a playful enthusiastic romantic side. He is also a lifelong vegetarian (now vegan), which is important to me in a partner and have a compatible spiritual lifestyle, which is really hard to find in another partner. Where will I find someone like this again? Yes, he has a lot of issues as well. He can be emotionally manipulative at times, when he wants something. He doesn't consider himself a provider for me (his wife) and puts his mom ahead of me. Now I've become the clingy one, and he often acts like he doesn't have enough time for me... which is sad. But he still does care, as he freaks out if we don't talk for a few days. He supports me in my diet (even does it along with me). I still feel some support with him and feel a lot better off with him than I did with all those past emotionally unavailable men.

This sounds like you wanted a brand new car and you have found it. It looks so great with all the options you need (I have those options in the pink).. Then when you had test drive, BAM!, you found something wrong with the engine! The drive was not as smooth as you thought, could not speed up and you could not control it as it wouldn't go to the direction you wanted it to go!

So... why you still want that car? It looks great with full options but it cannot take you to your destination!

(I didn't mean to really compare a man to a car, I hope you know what I mean)

But it's scary to think about giving up my handsome romantic 28 year old husband, in exchange for what? I'm 31 years old right now. Divorcing him puts me at a greater position of dating disadvantage than before when I was 'never married'. If it wasn't good when I was 29 and never married... I don't imagine my prospects improving being 3 years older and now divorced. I imagine getting dating interests from unemployed, substance abusing men 20 years my senior, who never finished high school, with 5 different kids from 3 different women. (If you fall into this category, please don't get angry at me or take it offensively. I was on internet dating sites for 4 years before meeting my husband and these were the guys who often expressed interest in me.)

What about in exchange for the ability to be yourself, to love yourself and to be proud of yourself?

Sometimes I don't think my husband is my soulmate, and we aren't as intellectually compatible as I'd like... far from it. And I can't stand that he puts his family's needs ahead of mine. But he's so much better than so many guys out there. My inner voice often does tell me that there are huge red flags in my relationship... I feel like I deserve someone more intellectually stimulating, who wants to put me first and be a genuine husband and provider for me. But the dating scene seemed so bleak to me before, than I just don't want to go back there again. I'd rather fix what I have if possible. I feel like by the time I divorce him and find someone else relatively reasonable... it'll be 10 years later, I'll no longer be able to have kids, and he'll end up being just as flawed as my present husband and not half as attractive. I know this sounds totally negative and foolish (though I'm not otherwise a negative person as most would call me fun-loving and sweet and sincere). But these are my deep-seated fears, ridiculous as they may sound to some.

Stop thinking about dating, searching.. you are not that desperate. Happiness comes from within, you don't need to have anyone to make you happy until you find the right one who really make you proud to be yourself and loves you as who you really are.

It is your choices.. to be suffered in marriage with this man for the rest of your life or to take a chance to find the right one which may come tomorrow, next month, next year, next 10 years or may be never.. but you can be happy throughout all those time.

Obviously I'm hoping my husband will change his ways and we can have a beautiful life together. But I realize this may not ever happen...

It is not going to happen.

[VivaBaños 2]

Rkk1,

I've read your posts in the past and it seems like very little has changed. Your frustration has increased but you feel like this situation and this spouse is the best that you can hope to get so you want to keep waiting and 'working' before throwing in the towel. A handsome man holding a bouquet of roses won't fix the underlying issues that keep reappearing in your posts when you discuss your concerns about the marriage. I think you know what you want to do you just feel scared about taking that step. By waiting and hoping you are making a decision to accept this.

You are an intelligent and motivated person.

We are all noting the red flags and hope that you find a way to make YOUR situation better.

EDIT: after posting this I see that Maria and av8or have posted good advice this morning too!

Edited October 22, 2012 by VivaBaños

[Cathi 5,748]

how could you have applied for AOS if he is still in India?

AOS is affidavit of support. it is done at the NVC stage fr cr1/ir1 visa...not adjustment of status

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

Thanks hun, but it's interesting the difference in views from an online forum versus the people I meet in India. My husband's a hottie, and most girls around him are swooning. My husband was infatuated with me from the beginning (plus I think he liked the status of being in a relationship with an Indian-American girl who was almost a doctor). So everyone knows about me, all his friends, coworkers, students, etc. Whenever I go to India, I have several women telling me how lucky I am to have a husband who is so crazy about me, and even my husband's guy friends tell me that he is madly in love with me. My husband's a total sweet talker too, and if you met him, you'd probably think he's utterly adorable. I just wanted to say that, as everyone who meets us talks about what a cute couple we are together and never has anything negative to say.

My biggest issue is just that his actions don't match his words. Even now he talks to me so sweetly, that's its hard to get angry at him. I just keep developing resentment which keeps getting swept under the rug. But no matter how gentle he is with me, the bottom line is that if you remove his loving words, there isn't much left. He puts his mom ahead of me. He cares more about his business then about coming here and building a life with me. He always finds a way to justify things and manipulate the situation, and I know I need to stand up for myself better and not be willing to listen to a billion excuses from him. I REALLY don't want to break up our relationship as I care about him and have a soft spot for him. But I'm getting to the end of the rope with dealing with his unwillingness to step up to plate and be the man that I need him to be.

You have named about a dozen reasons why you shouldn't stay in this marriage, that 12 too many. What's bad is you've said it in your own words, if you look beyond the sweet talk, what are you left with? What's worse is you are aware of this fully and you are still trying to justify staying with him.

You've given more than you ever should have in this marriage, listen to your gut, stop listening to those who are not in your relationship. It's obivious that you're misreable, make the right choice and walk away from this before he gets here and makes your life worse. God be with you...

[Cathi 5,748]

Thank you for your kind words. That's really sweet.

Unlike others have said, my parents are not pushing me in this marriage. They have told me that they will support me if we go for a divorce. They are not encouraging me to divorce, but they have said that it would be okay if that is what I end up deciding. In fact, they were telling me that they are concerned about me, as I've lost some of my confidence since being with my husband. They think I've become clingy on him, and seem to have lost some of my own identity in this relationship. So they are worried and want me to come back to my own self again.

I used to be a lot more confident before. But I had a lot of personal struggles over the last several years. I used to be considered very attractive, had a really cute face, etc. But I gained a lot of weight after dealing with my issues over the last several years. My dating life in the 4 years before meeting my husband was TERRIBLE. I met abusive, uncaring, emotionally unavailable men. I kept finding guys who were 10 years older than me and felt entitled to a younger woman. I got so sick of getting online interests "Yo whatz up wimman?" from guys who were just looking to get laid, and posted the same message to 1,000 other women at once. The dating scene was utter torture to me. There was only 1 European man I met during those 4 years (before meeting my husband) who was everything I wanted... drop dead gorgeous with a sexy accent, brilliant and innovative, vegan, also a medical student, only 1 year older than me, and had an amazing sense of humor. We talked for the whole night the 2nd time we communicated. I would have married him in an instant as the connection between us was sizzling hot, but we were incompatible on the issue of kids, and thus could not proceed further. He also was not fully emotionally unavailable as he was just going through a divorce. He also had some hesitation due to my weight (though he was attracted to my face), and I had some hesitation due to his large number of prior sex partners. So we parted ways, sadly. But personality-wise, he was my dream guy...the kind of person I always fantasized about marrying.

Compared to all of those other guys, my husband was a gem. When I met him I was badly weary after about 4 miserable years on the dating scene. Yes, he was badly clingy in the beginning which put me off. But he made me feel safe, loved, beautiful, valued, etc. We were each other's first and only lovers (though we both had relationships in the past that didn't work out). Being each other's first was important to me, as I didn't want someone with a ton of prior partners. He is really handsome as well, and 3 years younger than me, and had a playful enthusiastic romantic side. He is also a lifelong vegetarian (now vegan), which is important to me in a partner and have a compatible spiritual lifestyle, which is really hard to find in another partner. Where will I find someone like this again? Yes, he has a lot of issues as well. He can be emotionally manipulative at times, when he wants something. He doesn't consider himself a provider for me (his wife) and puts his mom ahead of me. Now I've become the clingy one, and he often acts like he doesn't have enough time for me... which is sad. But he still does care, as he freaks out if we don't talk for a few days. He supports me in my diet (even does it along with me). I still feel some support with him and feel a lot better off with him than I did with all those past emotionally unavailable men. Although he's not the man I dreamed of being with (as I wanted someone with more conviction and integrity than my husband, more like that European fantasy guy from the past),... but when I think of divorcing my husband and going back to the past 4 awful years before him, I'd much rather be with him.

My family has encouraged me to finish my medical degree, lose the extra weight, regain my confidence... and they have told me that I won't have any problems meeting anyone as I'm a neat person and have a lot to give. But it's scary to think about giving up my handsome romantic 28 year old husband, in exchange for what? I'm 31 years old right now. Divorcing him puts me at a greater position of dating disadvantage than before when I was 'never married'. If it wasn't good when I was 29 and never married... I don't imagine my prospects improving being 3 years older and now divorced. I imagine getting dating interests from unemployed, substance abusing men 20 years my senior, who never finished high school, with 5 different kids from 3 different women. (If you fall into this category, please don't get angry at me or take it offensively. I was on internet dating sites for 4 years before meeting my husband and these were the guys who often expressed interest in me.) Sometimes I don't think my husband is my soulmate, and we aren't as intellectually compatible as I'd like... far from it. And I can't stand that he puts his family's needs ahead of mine. But he's so much better than so many guys out there. My inner voice often does tell me that there are huge red flags in my relationship... I feel like I deserve someone more intellectually stimulating, who wants to put me first and be a genuine husband and provider for me. But the dating scene seemed so bleak to me before, than I just don't want to go back there again. I'd rather fix what I have if possible. I feel like by the time I divorce him and find someone else relatively reasonable... it'll be 10 years later, I'll no longer be able to have kids, and he'll end up being just as flawed as my present husband and not half as attractive. I know this sounds totally negative and foolish (though I'm not otherwise a negative person as most would call me fun-loving and sweet and sincere). But these are my deep-seated fears, ridiculous as they may sound to some.

I'm working on myself. I have changed my diet. I go to an exercise bootcamp class. I spend more time looking attractive and dressing well. I am proud of my career and my accomplishments. But I still have some ways to go to get my confidence back again. I hope once I do this, the idea of dating again won't seem so demoralizing. Obviously I'm hoping my husband will change his ways and we can have a beautiful life together. But I realize this may not ever happen...

I realize this is not a relationship help site. But I know many of you have been puzzled by why I stay with my husband. This may explain it better.

the man is using you. Person after person, post after post people have told you exactly what to do. Divorce him, move on. Do you honestly think someone here is going to try to convince you to stay married to this person? At this point you are dragging your feet as well. Move on with your life!!!!!

[Karee 4,190]

AOS is affidavit of support. it is done at the NVC stage fr cr1/ir1 visa...not adjustment of status

AOS can mean either Adjustment of Status or Affidavit of Support.

[M_&_R 77]

He said I can take my time to save money and move out separately. Then he will come to live with me. Otherwise, he will stay in India until I move out.

At that point what do you need *him* for?

Sorry, not trying to make light of your situation. But it would be really ironic if he insisted you be totally independent now, and then wanted you to let him make the decisions when he got here. Since he wants to make them now & he's not even here yet, that wouldn't surprise me!

best of luck...

M

[M_&_R 77]

OP - it is clear you are not happy. It doesn't matter what a catch other people think he is. You are not happy.

Are you really going to stay where you are because of the fear that there will never be a better man out there for you?

Life is beautiful. Be happy. Happiness does not require a man. They are a bonus, when they are the right one. Good men are out there. And life is wonderful regardless of whether one crosses your path.

Go make your path!

You are smart and obviously thoughtful about your personal choices. You are kind enough to see the good in others even when they hurt you. You deserve happiness.

You are not happy. Please think very carefully about spending any more of your days and hours this way.

Best of luck...

M

[Darnell 8,478]

rkk1 - this is another chapter in the pile of molten poo .

If he was serious about doing anything visa related, he would PAY WAGES to his temporary replacement, the fella that covers his coaching whilst he's not there.

[av8or 34]

sorry OP.. but this thread needs to be closed.. seriously.. everyone here is just being repetative and just saying the same thing.. i know you need advice but it has been given.. 20x over saying just leave already.. how many more do you need?

Edited October 22, 2012 by av8or

[KayandJunior 4]

Having a good looking husband is nice, however looks doesn't make him a good husband, and it appears you’re focused on his outer appearance then his heart. What's the point of having a good looking husband whose insides are ugly? Looks come and go what's going to make your marriage last in the long run is his morals and character. From what I’m getting based on your replies he’s lacking in that department.

Heaven forbid something happens to him and his no longer attractive, then what? What else do you have that's going to love him beyond what you see? I know this post is about your husband's issues; however I would suggest you examine yours as well.

People cannot make you whole; you have to be whole before you get married. Maybe you should focus on learning yourself and being content with who you are. You seem like a wonderful person who might have made a wrong choice. If that is the case learn from it and grow.

People always show you there true self. BUT it's up to you to believe them. Based on what you have express about your husband you have some decisions to make.

I wish you all the best!

[bebero 19]

I'm his wife, and I'm a full time student... but he does not send me any money, though he works. He laughed when I told him that as my husband, he should want to provide for me. He says he lives in a poorer country and has less than I do, so it doesn't make any sense for him to send me money. Rather he though that I should be the one trying to send him money as he is financially strapped taking care of his parents' expenses. I agreed that I had more than he does, but my money comes from student loans, which have to be paid off later with interest.

how about you start working and providing for yourself like the adult that you are?

[Aschenbecher 16]

how about you start working and providing for yourself like the adult that you are?

I agree with bebero, Sorry rkk1, But you need to grow up and take care of yourself like adults do. Get a part-time job, pay for your expenses.

It appears to me that you married for wrong reasons. For future ref : MARRY for LOVE and Nothing else. When you have love , everything else just falls in place.