dragging feet to come to the US

[rkk1 34]

I'm also going to butt out before I start giving advice that wasn't asked for - but you need some more confidence woman.

You sound like an amazing person that's married to a real sh*tty one.

Thanks hun, but it's interesting the difference in views from an online forum versus the people I meet in India. My husband's a hottie, and most girls around him are swooning. My husband was infatuated with me from the beginning (plus I think he liked the status of being in a relationship with an Indian-American girl who was almost a doctor). So everyone knows about me, all his friends, coworkers, students, etc. Whenever I go to India, I have several women telling me how lucky I am to have a husband who is so crazy about me, and even my husband's guy friends tell me that he is madly in love with me. My husband's a total sweet talker too, and if you met him, you'd probably think he's utterly adorable. I just wanted to say that, as everyone who meets us talks about what a cute couple we are together and never has anything negative to say.

My biggest issue is just that his actions don't match his words. Even now he talks to me so sweetly, that's its hard to get angry at him. I just keep developing resentment which keeps getting swept under the rug. But no matter how gentle he is with me, the bottom line is that if you remove his loving words, there isn't much left. He puts his mom ahead of me. He cares more about his business then about coming here and building a life with me. He always finds a way to justify things and manipulate the situation, and I know I need to stand up for myself better and not be willing to listen to a billion excuses from him. I REALLY don't want to break up our relationship as I care about him and have a soft spot for him. But I'm getting to the end of the rope with dealing with his unwillingness to step up to plate and be the man that I need him to be.

Edited October 22, 2012 by rkk1

[apple21 953]

You're a very intelligent woman with zero self-esteem.

IMO, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than a have husband like yours.

Open your eyes to the reality of your situation.

Divorce him, finish your studies, practice your profession and hope that somewhere in between you'll find a REAL man who deserves you.

Good luck girl.

Edited October 22, 2012 by apple21

[pgupta 19]

I just wanted to know if most of the foreign spouses were excited to come to the US and be with their husband/wife, or if it felt like they were more content to procrastinate as long as possible to come here. I told my husband back in April, to ensure that he gets me his passport, PCC work by end of July. Now it's end of October, and the work is still not done. And I do not think he'll have his documents ready for me until the end of the year, the way things are going. To his credit, he has made some efforts, and has also had some setbacks that have delayed things... but just not enough effort to satisfy me. His work and making money for his parents (who he lives with) is his priority right now. He owns his coaching business, but doesn't not want to take too many days off to do the visa work, as he is afraid that if he does so, the students will leave and go elsewhere. Most of the few days he has taken off have been used to take his mom to her medical appointments. And the two days he has taken off for me (or 'us' rather) since August to do visa work have unfortunately not panned out, as he had setbacks, which were not his fault.

My parents are fully aware of the situation, and are also very much troubled by the fact that he isn't making me a priority. I'm his wife, and I'm a full time student... but he does not send me any money, though he works. He laughed when I told him that as my husband, he should want to provide for me. He says he lives in a poorer country and has less than I do, so it doesn't make any sense for him to send me money. Rather he though that I should be the one trying to send him money as he is financially strapped taking care of his parents' expenses. I agreed that I had more than he does, but my money comes from student loans, which have to be paid off later with interest.

I think he is getting cold feet. also he is having his own business in india so he might be worried about what he is going to do in USA. You need to talk to him and try to get his mind.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

- Compared to all of those other guys, my husband was a gem.

- Where will I find someone like this again?

- Yes, he has a lot of issues as well. He can be emotionally manipulative at times, when he wants something.

- He doesn't consider himself a provider for me (his wife) and puts his mom ahead of me.

- Now I've become the clingy one, and he often acts like he doesn't have enough time for me... which is sad.

- But he still does care, as he freaks out if we don't talk for a few days.

- I still feel some support with him and feel a lot better off with him than I did with all those past emotionally unavailable men.

- Although he's not the man I dreamed of being with (as I wanted someone with more conviction and integrity than my husband, more like that European fantasy guy from the past),... but when I think of divorcing my husband and going back to the past 4 awful years before him, I'd much rather be with him.

- But it's scary to think about giving up my handsome romantic 28 year old husband, in exchange for what?

- Divorcing him puts me at a greater position of dating disadvantage than before when I was 'never married'.

- If it wasn't good when I was 29 and never married... I don't imagine my prospects improving being 3 years older and now divorced.

- Sometimes I don't think my husband is my soulmate, and we aren't as intellectually compatible as I'd like... far from it.

- But he's so much better than so many guys out there.

My inner voice often does tell me that there are huge red flags in my relationship... I feel like I deserve someone more intellectually stimulating, who wants to put me first and be a genuine husband and provider for me. But the dating scene seemed so bleak to me before, than I just don't want to go back there again.

I'd rather fix what I have if possible. I feel like by the time I divorce him and find someone else relatively reasonable... it'll be 10 years later, I'll no longer be able to have kids, and he'll end up being just as flawed as my present husband and not half as attractive.

I feel so so so so bad for you! I know pity isn't what you want but... your posts are always so well written. You're studying MEDICINE so you're obviously not stupid. You deserve to be loved, and feel loved. It makes me sad for you that you don't feel that way.

No-one's relationship is perfect and anyone who says theirs is 100% of the time is a big liar. But there's a difference between bumps in the road, and serious doubts and only staying with someone because you're worried about what else is out there being "worse". When people point out other guys to me, or if i notice a cute guy, my head/heart isn't turned because I KNOW that there isn't better out there. I KNOW that my husband is amazing (but of course has his moments) and I know that just beecause someone looks cute, or seems nice, doesn't mean that they really are... once you get down to it.

I agree with your analysis that once you start feeling better about yourself, better will come. You can't just pick the best of the bad bunch!

The more I read the more I feel like you're being emotionally controlled and manipulated. You said that your parents notice the change in you. You said that you're the clingy one now so you notice the change. I suspect HE knows that you "need" him. I suspect that he worries when he doesn't talk to you because you would "get over" him and don't need him anymore. Calling you often keeps him in control and make sure you're still under his thumb.

Please please PLEASE think about this before you bring him here. You said he knows law. I worry about what he has planned for you. I worry about his comments about money and his lack of support for you. Being in medicine you will need a strong man in your life, someone to lean on during the bad times. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve not to live in worry and doubt.

Random qn - are you against adoption or IVF? Have you considered having a kid by yourself?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I also believe there is a big cultural difference. You should have studied Indian culture and the economic dynamics at play.

She's Indian-American. I doubt she needs to study her own culture. There are different kinds of people in all cultures. My brother is different culturally to my dad, or his friends, or my exes, or my friend brothers... it happens :S it's not a "everyone is the same in each country" kind of thing.

[rkk1 34]

I think he is getting cold feet. also he is having his own business in india so he might be worried about what he is going to do in USA. You need to talk to him and try to get his mind.

Yes, I think there is some truth to this. When we first met, he was not grounded at all. He was still in school (as he still is) and just doing a part-time work that didn't pay much. The business wasn't started until this year, after his mom fell ill... as he wanted to work from home so that he could be her caretaker. He is such a fantastic son to his parents. One of his former employers told me, "If he's that loving and wonderful to his mom, you can be assured you'll get the same from his as well as he will love you the same way." Unfortunately, this has not been the case yet. It's true that he has been very romantic with me (buying roses, etc). But his actions haven't shown much at this point. But yes, once his home business took off this year and his mom fell ill, his desire to come here definitely seems reduced.

[BellaRose 7]

I really feel the need to reply only because I have had a similar experience however looked at my situation differently. No one here knows your whole story so they can not fully judge your relationship as a whole, but can only give you their opinion from what little information you give. I don't know your entire situation but i can give you my experiences....and hopefully it may shed some light on yours. I am from an entirely different cultural background from my husband but i had the chance to live with him in the USA for a year before he left. He had two-three jobs at once...completely contributed to the household when needed, stayed home with our daughter when needed. He was exactly the husband i wanted. He had to leave, we start the process, in the beginning i was very apprehensive about sending him money because i know he gave money to his family meanwhile i was struggling here ( also a full-time student like you) ...i went to Samoa for the first time to see him and his family...total culture shock at the conditions they live in. So i told him to get an apartment and not live with his family so i know he is comfortable which i will pay for. I felt better but there were still times, many times that his mom got sick, or there was a funeral, or wedding, or water tank broke, or tsunami wiping out a family members house, that he was obligated to chip in money for....meaning i had to chip in money for. Anyway where IM going with this is his culture requires the entire family not just us to help financially for many projects. And him living with his relatives IR just being around gives him responsibility to pull his own weight, responsibility that he didn't have living here. I associate it with my grandmother who lives an hour away. My aunt is closest so she checks up on her every week day and i tertiary to keep her occupied on the weekend. It is like an unwritten law for our family of shift work to take care of my grandmother. In Samoa it's financial. Who's turn is it to pay for medications, diapers, wheelchair, doctor visit,....the list OS endless. There isn't any medical insurance and no one has a high paying job so it is a group effort to keep the family stable. I have learned this by visiting my husband and his family and watching, how things work. I would never ask him to send me money because he is only surviving there with the money i send...i finished school have a job. I only ask that he try to keep a job to offset the amount of money i send. That doesn't mean he was a bad provider when he was here. His environment changed and his hard work earns him a $1.50 an hour now and has his whole Samoan family to worry about. It took him three months just to get a signed paper to me recently due to financial issues but that doesn't mean he isn't praying for the day he comes back. Keep pushing your husband to get his papers done but also remember that he has tons of things to wrap up in his home country. Love conquers all things and if it's meant to be it will be. Don't get caught up in the time you are waiting. At least you know he is in the process of getting his documents together, i have been waiting four years now so consider yourself lucky. (Sorry for any typos, doing this on my phone)

[rkk1 34]

I feel so so so so bad for you! I know pity isn't what you want but... your posts are always so well written. You're studying MEDICINE so you're obviously not stupid. You deserve to be loved, and feel loved. It makes me sad for you that you don't feel that way.

Random qn - are you against adoption or IVF? Have you considered having a kid by yourself?

Thanks for your lovely posts, as always Vanessa! I know you have written on my threads many times. I know it must seem infuriating to you that I don't "listen" to the advice and just break up with him. I'm sure that's how I'd feel if I were on the other side giving advice to someone. I'm hearing everything you and others are saying loud and clear, but I'm just hoping to try everything first, so that our marriage can either come out eventually as a success story, or that I can eventually move on knowing that I tried everything possible to make the marriage work.

By the way, I am VERY much wanting to adopt someday. I feel strongly about it, as adopting a kid is a dream of mine. My husband knew this before we married, but now is having mixed feelings. I still wanted to keep my options of having a biological child (or two) open though.

I wonder if it would be possible to sponsor an orphan child from India someday, or if there is any restriction for the visa because I've already filed 2 visa sponsorships for my husband (first for the K1 fiance visa, which we cancelled after getting married, and now for the CR1). I thought I had read on this site somewhere that you can only sponsor 2 visas and no more, though maybe I took that out of context.

Edited October 22, 2012 by rkk1

[Xanax 349]

I've read so many of your posts Rkk1, you are fighting an uphill battle in this marriage it seems. Your husband seems unwilling to support you in anyway, compromise in anyway and expects more and more from you.

I honestly believe if you read through all your posts on this site you will see what a lot of people here see

I truly wish the best for you and I hope you're not being taken for a ride...

[pgupta 19]

Yes, I think there is some truth to this. When we first met, he was not grounded at all. He was still in school (as he still is) and just doing a part-time work that didn't pay much. The business wasn't started until this year, after his mom fell ill... as he wanted to work from home so that he could be her caretaker. He is such a fantastic son to his parents. One of his former employers told me, "If he's that loving and wonderful to his mom, you can be assured you'll get the same from his as well as he will love you the same way." Unfortunately, this has not been the case yet. It's true that he has been very romantic with me (buying roses, etc). But his actions haven't shown much at this point. But yes, once his home business took off this year and his mom fell ill, his desire to come here definitely seems reduced.

I think it is time for you to have a frank and open chat with him. he need to understand and agree that in a month or two he need to close his bussiness to move to US. My Wife in India left her job 2 month ago so she can focus on getting ready for coming to US. if your husand is not as enthusiastic about this then you need to look at your options, no need to bring a half hearted person to US as life in US is not so rosy at it seems and you dont want him to blame you for his future failures.

Edited October 22, 2012 by pgupta

[Memphis 26]

IMO, it sure looks like he has a plan! I think I remember reading your old posts before..Dont ignore the signs and red flags in your relationship. Bringing him in the US means YOUR'E IN BIG TROUBLE.. Dont allow yourself to be used. Learn to trust your instincts. Use this 'delay' as a way of clearing your mind, thinking it over a thousand times and hopefully DO the right thing. Get out and move on while you still can..

Peace.

[rkk1 34]

If he is paying 2/3 of support for his parents now who will pay after he arrives here. Will he continue to send support home after he arrives here ? Have you discussed this yet ?

Sorry I missed this question before....

The issue of sending money home has been a touchy issue for us. At first he said he would, then he said he wouldn't early this year when I got upset over the issue, and now it's been established that he WOULD for some time now. He was thinking about sending something like $300-500 although he realistically doesn't know how much it would be or not, as he hasn't moved here yet. He just says it would be based on his income, as he wouldn't use my money to mail to them. Although I'm okay with him sending them something, I'm only okay with it as long as we have already paid our own bills (for ourselves and our future kids) and put some away for our own savings. I didn't get the confidence from his tone of voice, that he'd put money into our savings before giving to them as he made it sound like I was the one being unreasonable.

So as it stands, right now my husband is making most of the income at their home, with his brother making some money and hoping to add to his income (as my husband plans to hand over some of the business to him. It won't be as big as currently, as my husband coaches some classes that his brother is not trained to do). But hopefully the business will at least provide some extra opportunity to my brother-in-law. Furthermore, my BIL plans to marry soon to a local girl from their city, and she plans to add in some of her wages (though they aren't that much, a little less than my BIL is currently making) to the family's income as well. So my husband plans to cover the difference, but from his tone of voice it implied (though was not directly said) that he would also want to make them a bit comfortable if he had more money to give... as I took from when he told me that he wouldn't give them a set amount, but would base it on how much money he made.

[Dana and Divine 61]

It is of significance. If at the time of his interview you have been married for 2 years, then they will issue/grant him 10 yr green card instead of a 2 yr green card (which will be mailed weeks after his arrival here in the states). He will no longer file for removal of conditions if he has the 10 yr GC.

And thus, will not need you for anything else. You are then bound with the Affidavit of Support (AOS) to take care of his expenses should he become a public charge. Read everything carefully that you are submitting and agreeing to. If you feel this man does not love, support you and put you first now....when your marriage is still new...you can imagine what it might look like in the future.

I don't know your entire situation, so I can't judge. I'm just basing an opinion on the information you've provided. I do wish you the best, but mostly I wish you the love and successful future you're working so hard toward.

[nurse1967 287]

Run, don't walk away from this relationship. It screams of future pain and unhappiness. I think you already know this deep down inside.

[rade2rising 205]

He is a good guy. This is a cultural issue. So what if he wants to help his family out if he gets extra money? This seems to offend you alot. What is funny is that you are quite suprised by this. Were you born in USA? OP get over it or please leave him alone in India where he will at least be happy with his business and his parents. That will be a great solution for everyone. You need to find someone who will pay your school fees and also be willing to adopt children and live your dreams. good luck.