No bashing please...just curious...

[QueenE 174]

I know this has nothing to do with OP's problem, but I find the last two comments completely offensive. Thats like peoe saying all I know about middlr aged american women is that they easily marry strangers they meet online. Or what I know about American children is that when they get picked on they go to their schools and start shooting their classmates. Thats how ridiculous those statements sound!

I agree. The only thing I know about Nigerian men, are that they are asking me about my bank account and how they can make me rich, if I first send them thousands of dollars.

Of all the things the OP describes of her Nigerian, I was wondering...Just what were you loving about this guy in the first place...? 'Cause it just ain't there anymore.

Show him the door.

Peace.

[olumides_wife 17]

This guy's personality issues has nothing to do with Nigeria or he being Nigerian. Like you said Nigeria is a male dominated culture so based on that its hard for a Nigerian man to be asking his wife for money. Also Nigeria is very family orientated country, and Yes Nigerian man do point out what a wife should or shouldnt do based on what they think their wife should be, but with that so does everyone else. Im sorry for your struggles but its really frustrating when people join into a intercultural relationship with a possible sociopath and they think its because of their culture. This has nothing to do witg Nigeria or his cultural, because he isnt even acting according to the male dominated culture you describe.

[olumides_wife 17]

I know this has nothing to do with OP's problem, but I find the last two comments completely offensive. Thats like peoe saying all I know about middlr aged american women is that they easily marry strangers they meet online. Or what I know about American children is that when they get picked on they go to their schools and start shooting their classmates. Thats how ridiculous those statements sound!

[olumides_wife 17]

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying this post is by no way intended to start a Nigerian bash, so please no harsh comments. I am just curious, once your spouse got here, did you notice a change in them, such as not being as affectionate, being quite, not caring about spending time together, not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them? Just not seeming family oriented? Also, for those whose husband’s came, how long did they need to get on their feet? Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job? Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it? Did you find them to be secretive about their finances? Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that, but never can give any type of positive praise to balance it? Not speaking for days when upset, etc…. Like I said, no bashing, I know the culture they come from is a male dominated culture, but I feel like I my situation has become more of one of emotional abuse so I just want to see if anyone else experiences any of these things, even just a little. Maybe it’s just where he comes from, I just don’t know anymore. I’m to the point; I have no self esteem left. I can’t even look anyone in the eyes anymore when I talk to them. When he comes home, I get sick to my stomach from nerves or when a door shuts to hard my heart drops. If there are any Nigerian men here, I would really love to hear from you as well.

Hi there ...well at first I wasn't going to reply b/c it seemed like you were wanting advice from those that actually know what it's like to be married to a Nigerian man that is now in America and has changed but after reading some of the other "opinions" (and some nonsense) I see that adding my two cents here can't hurt... well my husband isn't in America yet but I can say 100% he isn't this way at all...I have been with him twice in Nigeria and yes I agree sometimes he can be a little bossy in regards to how he wants "me" as his wife to be but it's NOT disrespectful...and my husband hates asking anyone for help...he believes in a man working hard even if it's little money that is earned a man should be honest and have a since of integrity about being a man...to him I am his equal though he is the head and he NEVER puts me down...I am sure seeing your husband change has been painful and coming here as a guest regardless if you are a member is not the issue and I am sorry you are facing this...I was married to an American man before and he had some very bad character flaws...that sucked the life completely out of me....so this is not a culture issue at all...it's a character issue...and I disagree with another post.. counseling/church can help..and I know for a fact it has helped many many many people...but your hubby has to be willing to go too you can't make him go...all in all he is draining you in everyway and that is the most important thing I see here...regarldess of him being Nigerian...(by the way she said no bashing, a few comments here...well all I can say is wow...prejudice still exists big time)...I am praying for you and I really hope you will see that you need to take care of you in this situation..don't lose yourself in him! <3

[Zee Bee 61]

Like others said, this has nothing to do with being Nigerian. This is just his personality.

How was his behavior towards you when you were apart?

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

When did you get married and for how long has this traits been going on. This issues as commented by others is not peculiar to Nigerian men. I agree somewhat to some issues you raised like being bossy!!!!

When he tends to be secretive about his family, it is more often to shield you from being subjected to constant pressure like he is and not necessarily the opposite.

you may want to seek help and correct some of the character flaws.

If there's anything you'll take from the rest of my ramblings it's this in my opinion: it will never get better, and I don't care how many church or counselling you go to. The choice, in my opinion is that you deal with it or you terminate the relationship. You've got yourself a selfish person.

May I ask how much direct face time you had with him in Nigeria? Also how much of those time was you and him in private? Did you discuss aceptables and unacceptables?

These same type of emails have come from all over the world here on VJ, heck there was one from UK a few days ago so it's just not a Nigerian thing.

Like others said, this has nothing to do with being Nigerian. This is just his personality.

How was his behavior towards you when you were apart?

OP, are you there?

Hope everything is okay.

[WhatHappened? 1]

OP, are you there?

Hope everything is okay.

Yes, I am ok. As far as facetime, I visited twice. 9 days the first time, 12 the second. His attitude started probably about a year and half ago. It just seems to keep getting worse.

[olumides_wife 17]

Yes, I am ok. As far as facetime, I visited twice. 9 days the first time, 12 the second. His attitude started probably about a year and half ago. It just seems to keep getting worse.

in the facetime where you able to notice if he had a temper? Did you observe how he was with other people? around his family, friends, etc? Seeing how someone is with those he knows can tell a lot about that person, so try and see if you can recall any hits of his personality flaws during that time where these traits always present or did it just show up wants in America. I know I am going to take a big chance at saying this but I have to ask...has his conditions from his visa been removed yet? If not do you think he may be trying to make you miserable and depressed so it will be easy to leave? If this isn't the case then I am sorry for that accusation but I had to ask. Even if this isn't the case you don't need to allow him to walk on you...you are not a rug so don't let him use you. Don't let yourself be lost in his ways, please fight for your own sanity in all of this. His behavior is not b/c he is Nigerian it's because he is selfish and has some serious character flaws. I pray you will find the peace you need in all of this...praying for you!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

1) Yes, I am ok. 2) As far as facetime, I visited twice. 9 days the first time, 12 the second. His attitude started probably about a year and half ago. It just seems to keep getting worse.

1) Excellent, I wish you well. I know it must be devastating going through all the motions to get him here and then this.

2) IMHO your facetime is adequate. Sometimes even with the best intention and due diligence once can never really understand someone else.

[TheresaAnn 9]

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying this post is by no way intended to start a Nigerian bash, so please no harsh comments. I am just curious, once your spouse got here, did you notice a change in them, such as not being as affectionate, being quite, not caring about spending time together, not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them? Just not seeming family oriented? Also, for those whose husband’s came, how long did they need to get on their feet? Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job? Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it? Did you find them to be secretive about their finances? Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that, but never can give any type of positive praise to balance it? Not speaking for days when upset, etc…. Like I said, no bashing, I know the culture they come from is a male dominated culture, but I feel like I my situation has become more of one of emotional abuse so I just want to see if anyone else experiences any of these things, even just a little. Maybe it’s just where he comes from, I just don’t know anymore. I’m to the point; I have no self esteem left. I can’t even look anyone in the eyes anymore when I talk to them. When he comes home, I get sick to my stomach from nerves or when a door shuts to hard my heart drops. If there are any Nigerian men here, I would really love to hear from you as well.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. If you are not safe please leave this relationship. My husband is nigerian and he doesn't act like this. Love doesn't hurt, Love doesn't tear you down and Love doesn't make you cry. Please pray first then if you are not safe to sit him down. Please leave him and pull the plug on his visa. No woman deserve to be treated like this ever. Nigerian men love his family and will never do anything to hurt them. Nigerians don't really show affection, their mean of romance is paying the bills and providing for their family the rest their wife have to teach them. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care...

[Dana and Divine 61]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. If you are not safe please leave this relationship. My husband is nigerian and he doesn't act like this. Love doesn't hurt, Love doesn't tear you down and Love doesn't make you cry. Please pray first then if you are not safe to sit him down. Please leave him and pull the plug on his visa. No woman deserve to be treated like this ever. Nigerian men love his family and will never do anything to hurt them. Nigerians don't really show affection, their mean of romance is paying the bills and providing for their family the rest their wife have to teach them. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care...

I will also keep you in my prayes as well. I agree with Abike, my husbands focus is providing for the family. That is how he shows me he loves me. He lifts me up and inquires have I eaten each day. Love should build you up honey, not tear you down. I wish you the best.

[S&S 1]

My husband is nigerian, and yes has been here for a while as you can see in my timeline. He does not display those traits at all. Please don't make excuses for people who are behaving poorly, they will only do as much as you allow. You should be in a relationship where you do not feel abused and you feel open to expressing yourself. You should be able to talk to your husband because he should be your best friend. Ultimately someone who does not care about how much they hurt you is not one for you. Nigerian men can be loving and there is no one size fits all, there are several men from other nationalities who behave the same way. I wish you well and please understand that you only have one life to live, don't waste time and moments on someone who is not worth your time. Only you can determine that. You stated that this only started a year and a half ago, I don't know how long you have been together but if you did have some good times then perhaps, you guys can try to sit and figure out if being married is what you both want and establish boundaries of acceptable/unacceptable behaviors.

[HoneyHummingbird 3]

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying this post is by no way intended to start a Nigerian bash, so please no harsh comments. I am just curious, once your spouse got here, did you notice a change in them, such as not being as affectionate, being quite, not caring about spending time together, not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them? Just not seeming family oriented? Also, for those whose husband’s came, how long did they need to get on their feet? Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job? Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it? Did you find them to be secretive about their finances? Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that, but never can give any type of positive praise to balance it? Not speaking for days when upset, etc…. Like I said, no bashing, I know the culture they come from is a male dominated culture, but I feel like I my situation has become more of one of emotional abuse so I just want to see if anyone else experiences any of these things, even just a little. Maybe it’s just where he comes from, I just don’t know anymore. I’m to the point; I have no self esteem left. I can’t even look anyone in the eyes anymore when I talk to them. When he comes home, I get sick to my stomach from nerves or when a door shuts to hard my heart drops. If there are any Nigerian men here, I would really love to hear from you as well.

First thing I want to say is each person is different and every relationship is different. You must always remember that and construct your relationship based on what works best for your family.

My husband arrived in June 2010. I am a few years older than him and I am also a professional woman so I believe this has played a role in how we react in our relationship. I can't say for sure that I noticed a change in my husband, moreso a struggling transition in maturity/understanding level. When my husband was in Nigeria he didn't have a lot to be responsible for. He didn't have a college degree or had to work a daily 9-5 job. He didn't have to pay monthly bills on time every time. He didn't have to do a lot of things that life in the US requires. IMO it is a big adjustment depending on what your husband came from.

1. Such as not being as affectionate?

My husband is affectionate, I on the other hand am not very affectionate. Each person has their own comfort level when it comes to affection. If your husband didn't come from an overly affectionate household this may play a role in how affectionate he is. I am less affectionate. Even though I love my husband dearly I am a mental person, my mind is always on keeping things secure and on track. My only concern would be if your husband didn't want to sleep with you on the regular. Other than that some people just aren't affectionate. I don't cheat on my husband and he doesn't cheat on me and that is all that matters. You have to determine what's more important because ain't no relationship perfect. Would you rather have a husband that is affectionate and always hot and if you don't want to put out he gets pissed and looks elsewhere or would you rather have a husband that is willing and available whenever you want it. I know it sucks but I have decided that I would rather have fidelity over constant affection. Is your husband a jokster? Does silly dances as he approaches you? This is also affection that you may not be seeing because you may be looking for affection of the romantic kind.

2. Being quiet?

My husband is pretty quiet, unless he has something to say or is spoken to. A lot of men are like that.

3. Not caring about spending time together?

My husband is a big time homebody and in all honesty, if my husbands finances aren't right we don't do a lot together on the regular. However, when his money is flowing he is very generous. I have to initiate a lot of what we do. I am more familiar with the area and my husband seems unsure at times about whether I will like what he wants to do. We have been on trips, cruises, amusement parks etc... but most of it has been my idea. In Nigeria, my husband would tell me he didn't do much growing up and I thought he was lying but he was telling the truth. I was comparing his life to life in the US and its wasn't the same. He would say he was out drinking or hanging with his friends and thats it he wasn't doing a whole lot. Even when I went to Nigeria it wasn't like we were eating at the Cheesecake Factory or fancy restaurants, going bowling, beach etc.. there really wasn't a lot to do except bar lounges, local restaurants and visiting friends and family.

4. Not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them?

My husband doesn't like to discuss future plans unless he has the ability to implement them. We have plans but he feels that when his money is right he will do what he has to do to implement them and until then he doesn't want to have long discussions on creating a blueprint. I on the other hand plan everything in advance. That's just my way. I just accepted that we don't think alike in that aspect but ultimately we still end up in the same place.

5. Just not seeming family oriented?

As I said my husband is there on a daily basis to assist me in raising my 13 year old son. When his money is right he does more. We spend more time with the closest relatives (mom and dad). Extended family sometimes he will go sometimes no. Again, a lot of men are like this. I think sometimes its a comfort thing.

6. How long did they need to get on their feet?

Girllllll, he is slowly but surely getting on his feet but it will take a LONG time for him to reach the level that I was accustomed to. His money is not at that level.

7. Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job?

I don't give my husband money. I made it very clear from before he came that he would have to pay his share and as a man he would have to be a man and make it happen. If I do loan him (small money) its with the expectation I want it back. I may deduct some from the balance here and there but a loan is a loan.

8. Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it?

Again, honestly my husband is not in a position financially to help me out most of the time. He pays his share of the bills and contributes towards the household needs and that's enough for me because at least I ain't taking care of him. But when he has more money he does more. Unless your husband comes from money or had money, you have to look at it as he's handicapped to a degree you can't expect the same standard as someone who has been in the US from day 1.

9. Did you find them to be secretive about their finances?

Not secretive but not full disclosure either. I disclose about 75% of my finances and I believe he does the same. I have my emergency stash while he may linger around zero balance status. I don't bother myself with him helping his family or what not. As long as my household ain't being deprived when bills are due and we need something I focus on my own savings.

10. Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that?

Girllll, my husband still does that from time to time but I let hime know real quick that I ain't Nigerian I am American. I am a professional career woman and I have no desire to be a housewife unless my husband got a lot of money. I ain't cleaning up 24 hours behind a grown man, I ain't no maid or house servant. My son hears the same speech. I hate to say it but I once let the bathroom go for 1 month and he eventually cleaned it. I don't mind cleaning up and stuff but don't leave NASTY behing in the kitchen and bathroom expecting me to touch it and they don't want to.... you feel me.

11. Never can give any type of positive praise to balance it?

My husband can never give me credit but he is always asking for my help and advice. A lot of times he can't say something positive on the spot but the next day or so he will say "that is a good idea".

12. Not speaking for days when upset?

Yes, my husband pouts. I don't know for days but he will quiet up so that may be the same thing. My mother even notices he pouts. I joke with him about it and say things like ok two can play that game or when he says something to me I look around and act like someone else is in the room.

I ain't gonna lie married life hasn't been easy (especially if the woman is more stable and secure IMO). We have had our struggles but we our still making it. We are committed to our marriage, we are faithful to each other and we want to do the right thing even if we don't get our way all the time. I know my husband loves me. He pays his share. He spoils me when he can. He helps with my son. He helps out around the house (sometimes) and he is trying. We are expecting our 1st child in 3 months. If for some reason my husband and I don't make it I have vowed to myself to never marry or live with another man again in this lifetime.

Maybe a whole lot hasn't happened except your expectations were bigger than the reality. You may have to accept your reality instead of fighting trying to change it. It took me awhile and I am starting to be affected less because I realize it ain't gonna be perfect. He may not be financially stable enough to help you. He may be quiet. He may expect you to work and be 100% housewife and superwoman. He may not want to go to every family outing. He ma pout when he can't have his way. You just have to realize you can only do what you can and own it. Stick up for yourself. Let him know that if he don't like it he knows what he can do. You ain't no superwoman. You ain't his mother and you ain't his servant. Own it.

I hope this helps. It may not be what some want to hear but its my truth.

[Vicki&Nanuka 12]

I pray that you find peace and make a decision quickly.No matter where your from you are going to encounter behavior like this in both men and women.There are a lot of people who choose to use others for their own benefit. I don't know of any instance where the person actually says," excuse, but I want to use you. I don't love you.What do you say?" It's scary, because you do things with the best intention, but the other person sees you as a mean to an end.I understand waitong and observing, but for how long, because a person with a goal can keep the act going longer than you.And now a days, entire families are part of the corruption.It happens every where, and I guess for those of us who have opened our hearts to love, pray we do not find ourselves in the same situation.