No bashing please...just curious...

[WhatHappened? 1]

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying this post is by no way intended to start a Nigerian bash, so please no harsh comments. I am just curious, once your spouse got here, did you notice a change in them, such as not being as affectionate, being quite, not caring about spending time together, not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them? Just not seeming family oriented? Also, for those whose husband’s came, how long did they need to get on their feet? Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job? Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it? Did you find them to be secretive about their finances? Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that, but never can give any type of positive praise to balance it? Not speaking for days when upset, etc…. Like I said, no bashing, I know the culture they come from is a male dominated culture, but I feel like I my situation has become more of one of emotional abuse so I just want to see if anyone else experiences any of these things, even just a little. Maybe it’s just where he comes from, I just don’t know anymore. I’m to the point; I have no self esteem left. I can’t even look anyone in the eyes anymore when I talk to them. When he comes home, I get sick to my stomach from nerves or when a door shuts to hard my heart drops. If there are any Nigerian men here, I would really love to hear from you as well.

[hamigirl710 112]

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying this post is by no way intended to start a Nigerian bash, so please no harsh comments. I am just curious, once your spouse got here, did you notice a change in them, such as not being as affectionate, being quite, not caring about spending time together, not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them? Just not seeming family oriented? Also, for those whose husband’s came, how long did they need to get on their feet? Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job? Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it? Did you find them to be secretive about their finances? Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that, but never can give any type of positive praise to balance it? Not speaking for days when upset, etc…. Like I said, no bashing, I know the culture they come from is a male dominated culture, but I feel like I my situation has become more of one of emotional abuse so I just want to see if anyone else experiences any of these things, even just a little. Maybe it’s just where he comes from, I just don’t know anymore. I’m to the point; I have no self esteem left. I can’t even look anyone in the eyes anymore when I talk to them. When he comes home, I get sick to my stomach from nerves or when a door shuts to hard my heart drops. If there are any Nigerian men here, I would really love to hear from you as well.

I am not married to a Nigerian but after reading your post I thought this link may help you with some information on Domestic Violence because you seem to have many Red Flags. I wanted to let you know that they are always there if you need somebody to talk to. My prayers are with you!

http://www.thehotline.org/

[reese1 68]

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying this post is by no way intended to start a Nigerian bash, so please no harsh comments. I am just curious, once your spouse got here, did you notice a change in them, such as not being as affectionate, being quite, not caring about spending time together, not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them? Just not seeming family oriented? Also, for those whose husband’s came, how long did they need to get on their feet? Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job? Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it? Did you find them to be secretive about their finances? Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don’t do this and you don’t do that, but never can give any type of positive praise to balance it? Not speaking for days when upset, etc…. Like I said, no bashing, I know the culture they come from is a male dominated culture, but I feel like I my situation has become more of one of emotional abuse so I just want to see if anyone else experiences any of these things, even just a little. Maybe it’s just where he comes from, I just don’t know anymore. I’m to the point; I have no self esteem left. I can’t even look anyone in the eyes anymore when I talk to them. When he comes home, I get sick to my stomach from nerves or when a door shuts to hard my heart drops. If there are any Nigerian men here, I would really love to hear from you as well.

This has NOTHING to do with culture and everything to do with someone that is being emotionally abusive. He is wearing down your self esteem to gain total control of YOU! Look into the link that hamigirl posted. Get help from some were. Trust me it is going to get worst before it gets better. I have an ex-american husband for some of these same reasons, so culture has nothing to do with it. Abusers come in all shapes, and nationalities. Be safe, and may god keep you!

[ca_babe 129]

I don't know any "real" Nigerian men. The only experience I have with Nigerian are those who emails me telling me I won a lottery or something and asking for my bank account numbers. I'm sure there are nice ones and hopefully, they'll respond to your post. But regardless of their culture, you should not be subjected to demeaning. Hopefully, he'll agree to couple's counseling or you can find good Nigerian couple and hang out with them so that your husband would know what a proper Nigerian acts like.

[Dana and Divine 61]

The culture is male dominated, but in all things, decisions and finances...my husband has asked my opinion and I've been part of the decision making process. I pray that does not change when he gets home because I have two sisters who will set him straight on what a husband is supposed to be and then they will beat him over the head with their Bibles and haul his behind off to church for some anointing oil!

On the other hand, I lived in an abusive relationship for 10 years (Ex. American husband)....get out of it if he will not attend counseling with you. Let him know the path he is taking toward you...leads to destruction in the end for him. God bless!

Edited October 18, 2012 by Dana and Divine

[feli114 65]

Well, my first husband was African American and he had a lot of these traits. He is now an ex. I am now married to a Nigerian man and he doesn't act like that. We have been married for almost 3 months now. Yes he does tend to be a little bossy, but its usually when it comes to me not taking care of myself. I think you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Maybe he doesnt realize that this is unacceptable behavior. There are bad ones in every culture. I wish you the best.

[kindle 2]

When did you get married and for how long has this traits been going on. This issues as commented by others is not peculiar to Nigerian men. I agree somewhat to some issues you raised like being bossy!!!!

When he tends to be secretive about his family, it is more often to shield you from being subjected to constant pressure like he is and not necessarily the opposite.

you may want to seek help and correct some of the character flaws.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Hello everyone. Let me start by saying this post is by no way intended to start a Nigerian bash, so please no harsh comments. I am just curious, once your spouse got here, did you notice a change in them, such as not being as affectionate, being quite, not caring about spending time together, not caring to discuss future plans unless it was about them? Just not seeming family oriented? Also, for those whose husband's came, how long did they need to get on their feet? Where they always wanting to borrow from you when they had a job? Just because you made more then you were expected to help them more but they never can help you if you needed it? Did you find them to be secretive about their finances? Did they seem to be always criticizing you? Quick to let you know as a wife you don't do this and you don't do that, but never can give any type of positive praise to balance it? Not speaking for days when upset, etc…. Like I said, no bashing, I know the culture they come from is a male dominated culture, but I feel like I my situation has become more of one of emotional abuse so I just want to see if anyone else experiences any of these things, even just a little. Maybe it's just where he comes from, I just don't know anymore. I'm to the point; I have no self esteem left. I can't even look anyone in the eyes anymore when I talk to them. When he comes home, I get sick to my stomach from nerves or when a door shuts to hard my heart drops. If there are any Nigerian men here, I would really love to hear from you as well.

If there's anything you'll take from the rest of my ramblings it's this in my opinion: it will never get better, and I don't care how many church or counselling you go to. The choice, in my opinion is that you deal with it or you terminate the relationship. You've got yourself a selfish person.

May I ask how much direct face time you had with him in Nigeria? Also how much of those time was you and him in private? Did you discuss aceptables and unacceptables?

These same type of emails have come from all over the world here on VJ, heck there was one from UK a few days ago so it's just not a Nigerian thing.

[QueenE 174]

This guy's personality issues has nothing to do with Nigeria or he being Nigerian. Like you said Nigeria is a male dominated culture so based on that its hard for a Nigerian man to be asking his wife for money. Also Nigeria is very family orientated country, and Yes Nigerian man do point out what a wife should or shouldnt do based on what they think their wife should be, but with that so does everyone else. Im sorry for your struggles but its really frustrating when people join into a intercultural relationship with a possible sociopath and they think its because of their culture. This has nothing to do witg Nigeria or his cultural, because he isnt even acting according to the male dominated culture you describe.

[QueenE 174]

Ok this is not 1950 most Nigerian couples discuss matters effecting their family. Husband and wife. I would really like to see my Dad try to make some financial descision without consulting my mom first. That applies to most of the couples from my parents generation

The culture is male dominated, but in all things, decisions and finances...my husband has asked my opinion and I've been part of the decision making process. I pray that does not change when he gets home because I have two sisters who will set him straight on what a husband is supposed to be and then they will beat him over the head with their Bibles and haul his behind off to church for some anointing oil!

On the other hand, I lived in an abusive relationship for 10 years (Ex. American husband)....get out of it if he will not attend counseling with you. Let him know the path he is taking toward you...leads to destruction in the end for him. God bless!

[TJandJR 69]

Please, do not endure the abuse. Mental abuse or physical abuse.... don't be a victim. I am a survivor from a very abusive relationship. Remember that who you are is not defined by him. I'm sure you are a strong, intelligent, beautiful person. Do not doubt yourself or your gut feelings. I'm going to guess (I may be wrong) that you are confused and hurt right now. Are you wondering if this man has used you to get to the US? I'm curious, too, how long you knew him and how much time you spent face to face. Please share with us. But regardless of that, you have two choices. To fix the relationship or end it. I don't know if you are able to tell him how he makes you feel, or ask him what he is feeling, or let him know his behavior is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it, or ask if wants to help you fix the marriage... maybe with counseling. But please, if he is unwilling to cooperate or continues to brow beat you... end the relationship. You may message me in private if you want to discuss this further. Be safe. Mental abuse often turns physical. But both are harmful and unacceptable.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Make this about you and not him. You can't change him, only yourself.You need boundaries and willingness to follow through on

"if you chose not to...then I chose to..."

Set your boundaries of what is not acceptable and let him see the consequences if he oversteps your boundaries.

If slamming doors, belittling you and the silent treatment will not be accepted and no longer tolerated by you then he can either chose to grow up or leave.

Nagging and fighting about it is only a vicious cycle that solves nothing.

Be consistent from today on that either he shapes up or ships out. Be safe when doing so with your phone in hand should he get violent.

Secrecy about financial issues or anything else is unacceptable as well as belittling you.

All deal breakers from the time they occur in my book and nothing to do with culture.

Find your inner strength and say enough is enough and follow through.

Take control of your life back.

No human being should feel sick or fearful seeing someone walk into their own home.

Get professional help

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Nigerian couples behave very differently from US couples. Public display of affection is not the norm and I don't think you would ever see the full body entangled pose that is so popular amoungst teens here. There are plenty of little Nigierans running about so I am sure the couples warm up in the privacy of their homes. Dependning on the age of your partner you will see a different level of acceptance of "modern" ways. My father in law had 3 wives that probably had very little to do with his business or fiancial dealings. They raised a bundle of children together and when there was company the wives would bring refreshement but stay a bit away from the conversation. My husband is not the type that is going to be all huggy /kissy in public and we have a working relationship that has us sharing at times and not at others ( I have grown kids and he stays out of those decisions) He also shield me from the non ending clammoring of his family for money but I do know about deaths and marriages and the occasional love triangles. I have seen similar behavior of his closest aged siblings. Remove another 15 years and the relationships become more modern but something I would pin on 60's or 70's American standards.

I am not sure how many siblings your spouse has , mine has 21 and he is the oldest male so with his father gone he is supposed to be the one that keeps the family whole. It is no easy job, To many that come here , they are embarrased to admit they didn't make it big, that they may have actually been better off job wise there and they over extend themselves rather than be honest with family. Yes there have been times when 'our' money goes to Nigeria ( we have his , hers and ours in the money pool ) But it is a joint decision and there are rules to even consider it.

Yoiu are having issues blending cultures and he is probably a bit depressed from what you have said. You probably need to talk to someone but I would look for someone experienced in both cultures not the first relatiosnhip consular you run into. Where are you located ? Most major cities have Nigerian populations and probably groups that get together. If you could locate one , especially tribe specific you might get help from other wives.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I just got home and had a go at this again.

So OP is an existing member that created a new profile to protect her identity?

It reads to me, Madam, that you're in a crisis. For you being on the inside this may look almost acceptable to you.

I beg you to make some immediate changes in your relationship, no one should be living like that. As is common on here, I hope that you don't have children living in this household, especially if they have a Father that they can go be with, even in the interim.

This absolutely nothing to do with Nigeria and even if so, it should still be unacceptable.

I salute you for publicly asking for this help and I hope that you reach out for professional help. I am certain many more are suffering in silence due to shame, threaths or both.

____________

The following is just my personal observation on the forum and has nothing specifically to do with OP as I do not know anymore than what was shared.

My advice to others is this, please fully vet the person that you're bringing home with you (though still not a guarantee). If possible (I know we as USC live a busy lifestyle with jobs, commute, kids, etc) you need to spend a prolong length of time with your SO. I recommend that one lives in a hotel (close quarters) for a period of time away from the distractions of family and friends so one can study and observe the character of the person (still no guarantee). I think one has to remove the vacation mode when one is doing a serious commitment like this.

One cannot just hope that anyone should appreciate all the personal effort, man hours, money, etc spent in this process.

I'm going to touch briefly on the culture part (though the behavior above cannot be excused based on just culture). An American Woman cannot be more opposite to a Nigerian Woman (not saying that a Nigerian Woman will allow a Man to walk all over her). An American Woman considers herself an equal partner in a relationship (and rightfully so), most Nigerian Man may have a problem with that or at the very least have to make an adjustment. I know I did.

Good luck to all of us.

[SuperDuper! 230]

I don't know any "real" Nigerian men. The only experience I have with Nigerian are those who emails me telling me I won a lottery or something and asking for my bank account numbers. I'm sure there are nice ones and hopefully, they'll respond to your post. But regardless of their culture, you should not be subjected to demeaning. Hopefully, he'll agree to couple's counseling or you can find good Nigerian couple and hang out with them so that your husband would know what a proper Nigerian acts like.

I agree. The only thing I know about Nigerian men, are that they are asking me about my bank account and how they can make me rich, if I first send them thousands of dollars.

Of all the things the OP describes of her Nigerian, I was wondering...Just what were you loving about this guy in the first place...? 'Cause it just ain't there anymore.

Show him the door.

Peace.