More kids with second marriage?

[Jenn! 918]

Relationships don't just happen overnight. I have a hard time believing that a man who wanted to have children would pursue a woman after finding out that she was no longer of child-bearing age.

[mybackpages 0]

What about arranged marriages when the man never gets to really know the woman before they are married? What do you think important factors are in that type of marriage? Surely it isn't for love. I guess economics could come into play there.

There could also be attraction...he could very well know her from the neighborhood. with arranged marriage the family really do get to know each other. While the bride and groom may spend little if any time in the same room, the groom is going to know the bride's family very well and the bride is going to knwo the groom's family very well. For example- The bride will meet her future mother in law and sisters-inlaws over and over again. I think its one reason why arranged marriages have more or less the same success rate as love matches.

I think the world of arranged marriages where the marriage takes place sit unseen is growing smaller and smaller. So when you say arranged marriage to me I think of couples who have something of a knowledge of each other and then the family's work on the arrangeing.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Sarah,

Perhaps reasons for marriage are as individual and unique as the couple who embark on it. Sure there are assumptions, stigmas, expectations... so what? People choose what they want. Not all people toddle along behind what the guy before him did blindly.

What you assume may be for some and not for others. Procreation isn't the sole reason for marriage for all couples no matter where they're from. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too. That's the attitude we have. I don't think its quite fair to assume all men from the ME/NA region demand offspring or find a wife unworthy. Some do, yes, but not all.

Jean I don't know why you are getting so defensive with me. If you read above I said "I guess some men just don't want to have kids". That's fine, I understand that maybe in your situation you already have kids and can't or don't want anymore. I never asked you to justify to me why it's ok if some couples can't have kids but I can see that you are upset. That's great that you two have that attitude towards having kids I think that's great.

Like I said, I clearly stated that my idea about kids in the ME/NA were generally speaking and they are ALWAYS exceptions to everything.

[Jenn! 918]

Everything is in God's hands.... a young woman who marries early may live to be 102 and never have a single child... she may have her first child when she is 63... or she could have 13 before she's 40... it's ALL up to God.

Surely you recognize that a woman's probability of having children decreases with age. Yes, there are always extreme cases, but it's hardly a convincing argument to say that a man who wants children would be just as likely to marry a 63 year old woman because "everything is in God's hands" as he would be to marry, say, a 30 year old woman.

[Together4ever 1]

Sarah,

Perhaps reasons for marriage are as individual and unique as the couple who embark on it. Sure there are assumptions, stigmas, expectations... so what? People choose what they want. Not all people toddle along behind what the guy before him did blindly.

What you assume may be for some and not for others. Procreation isn't the sole reason for marriage for all couples no matter where they're from. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too. That's the attitude we have. I don't think its quite fair to assume all men from the ME/NA region demand offspring or find a wife unworthy. Some do, yes, but not all.

Jean I don't know why you are getting so defensive with me. If you read above I said "I guess some men just don't want to have kids". That's fine, I understand that maybe in your situation you already have kids and can't or don't want anymore. I never asked you to justify to me why it's ok if some couples can't have kids but I can see that you are upset. That's great that you two have that attitude towards having kids I think that's great.

Like I said, I clearly stated that my idea about kids in the ME/NA were generally speaking and they are ALWAYS exceptions to everything.

I'm getting defensive? I'm upset? I'm simply discussing the topic like everyone else. You started the topic so I posted my response. I'm not justifying, I'm not attacking and I see nothing my statement to even suggest it. Relax a little, will ya? Life is too short. I'm not interested in arguments or nit picking... just discussing.

Edited October 29, 2006 by just_waiting

[doodlebug 3]

I just turned 41 and my tubes are tied. I have agreed to get them untied. He would have liked that to have happened before I go in December but I don't want to be pregnant without him here.

We have the money saved up for the operation. I'm just waiting for him to come here before I get it done. I might might might do it before if it takes longer than 6 months or so but I'll take it one step at a time.

Bottom line, I want to have a child within the year that he gets here since obviously I'm not getting any younger. My kids are 9 and 10 now and I don't think they are too keen on the idea so I've kept it quiet since why bother upsetting the nest if it never even happens. I was miss fertile mertile before the tubes were tied so I don't anticipate any problems but who knows, ya know?

I really hope that I get pregnant within the next year and a half though and I super hope it's a boy.

When I was pregnant before I was in such a crappy marriage and had no help at all. My husband was out until 2am each morning and I was getting calls from girls while working 70 hours and taking care of two babies less than a year apart. It sucked royally and then he left me when they were one and two. It started to get a wee bit easier when they were 4 and 5 but it was still very very very hard.

I want to know what it's like to have a child in a normal loving marriage.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Ok Jean but I didn't actually start the topic.

[mybackpages 0]

Relationships don't just happen overnight. I have a hard time believing that a man who wanted to have children would pursue a woman after finding out that she was no longer of child-bearing age.

Agreed Most of us seek out a partner that has characteristics that will likely give us what we want in the future. A man who sees his life as one with children is not likely to persue a woman who can not give him that. Others may have the expectation that they will get married and have children, but meet someone where that expectation changes.

[Veiled Princess 1]

I want to know what it's like to have a child in a normal loving marriage.

Inshallah you will. I'd like to know that feeling myself.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Relationships don't just happen overnight. I have a hard time believing that a man who wanted to have children would pursue a woman after finding out that she was no longer of child-bearing age.

Agreed Most of us seek out a partner that has characteristics that will likely give us what we want in the future. A man who sees his life as one with children is not likely to persue a woman who can not give him that. Others may have the expectation that they will get married and have children, but meet someone where that expectation changes.

agreed also.

[MrsAmera 41]

I want to know what it's like to have a child in a normal loving marriage.

Inshallah you will. I'd like to know that feeling myself.

I'm in this boat too although the situation for us is quite different. I'm only 22 and my husband is 23. I had my first son when I was 19 - worked my way through college, got married and now we're having a child together. Youssef loves kids but we really weren't ready for a second one right now! Although it is AMAZING to be in a loving relationship to raise a child. I was sure that I would spend the rest of my life alone after having my son. Anyway there are positives to having our second child now. I don't know if I would want to start over if I had an older child. I'm happy they will both grow up together and be out of diapers and I think it will help them too.

[Veiled Princess 1]

I'm only 22 and my husband is 23.

Hey! We're only 27... not exactly using canes to get around just yet Just kidding around

Did ya find out if you're having a boy or a girl yet?

[dollface41601 0]

I didnt mean to hurt anyones feelings, im just speaking from what I know, and what Sofyan and his family has said...his first cousin married the love of his life 20 years ago...and for 20 years tried to conceive and never did, so when they both turned 40, he (hubbys cousin) found a 2nd wife, so he could have children....he loves his first wife with everything he has. but not having a child made him feel shameful to his family and friends....i asked why, because it never seemed normal to me, for americans we have the mentality that love is love, but more than less, in the Middle east....99% of men would remarry or marry again if their wife could not conceive....(quoted from my husband and brother in law)

[morocco4ever 63]

This is a good question, I am interested to see how people answer.

I think you are right that it is expected for newlyweds to start having kids soon after they are married. I think generally speaking it would be abnormal for a man to marry a woman who is not capable of having kids as family is so highly valued in the ME/NA. This is something I wonder about when we see younger men marrying women who are 15 or 20 years older than the man. I know not everyone in these countries wants kids but it is pretty much expected by the families in most places.

Good question!

I don't get it. Why would anyone assume that a woman that is 15 or 20 years older than her husband is incapable of getting pregnant? Women all over are getting pregnant at the age of 60 and older. What, does menopause start at 35 now?

Its common knowledge here that I am older than my husband. I have also mentioned that I recently had my tubes untied. Now do you think I would be stupid enough to go through all of that and pay almost $6000.00 if I wasn't still fertile?

[sarah and hicham 3]

This is a good question, I am interested to see how people answer.

I think you are right that it is expected for newlyweds to start having kids soon after they are married. I think generally speaking it would be abnormal for a man to marry a woman who is not capable of having kids as family is so highly valued in the ME/NA. This is something I wonder about when we see younger men marrying women who are 15 or 20 years older than the man. I know not everyone in these countries wants kids but it is pretty much expected by the families in most places.

Good question!

I don't get it. Why would anyone assume that a woman that is 15 or 20 years older than her husband is incapable of getting pregnant? Women all over are getting pregnant at the age of 60 and older. What, does menopause start at 35 now?

Its common knowledge here that I am older than my husband. I have also mentioned that I recently had my tubes untied. Now do you think I would be stupid enough to go through all of that and pay almost $6000.00 if I wasn't still fertile?

Ok let me rephrase it without saying how many years older. I have wondered about this when I see young men who marry women who can't have kids.

I have a right to ask a question. and state what I know, what I have been told, and taught.

If it upsets you I'm sorry, I didn't mean for anyone to take it personally.

I think it's great that you are had them untied and I think that is a good example of an Arab man wanting children, right?