Issue with late-stage abortion...

[Rae Anne 44]

Wow. I think the moral condemnation and finger-wagging that the people posted above is very misguided and has no place on this forum. Of course OP didn't help his case by making assumptions about the sort of life the baby would or wouldn't have. If she didn't want to carry the baby to term it should be her choice. However, the time window for making a decision is limited. She should have dealt with this months ago. Yes it is true that babies can live after 3 months pre-term delivery but they often have a multitude of developmental problems, physical and mental that can be life long. Also though abortion is legal in the US many states don't even allow such late term abortions unless the mother's life is in danger, if it was the product of rape or incest, or the baby has serious complications.

It doesn't sound like either of you want the baby so find a good family to adopt it. There are lots of adoption agencies she could turn to. But the question you should be asking yourself is should you still even be with this woman? Yeah the guy may have been manipulative but she still allowed it to happen. How did she not see him take off the condom? Unless she's blind of course. You weren't there so you don't know what really happened. You should consider her actions that got her into this situation seriously, not just the callous nature she has exhibited towards the pregnancy. And you'd better believe this will come up at her embassy interview. She would have a lot of explaining to do.

[ullnvrkno 95]

All I have to say is I love every last one of you who are saying abortion is murder. Because I agree.

OP, don't be selfish. Murder of an innocent child IS NOT the answer to your own selfish question.

I'd be interested to know how this "friend" of hers that your fiancee slept with while you guys were "on a break" "purposefully took off his condom" and she didn't notice...

Edited October 1, 2012 by ullnvrkno

[Kathryn41 3,205]

It is a violation of the Terms of Service to attack another member, regardless of the circumstances. A number of posts containing personal attacks have been removed along with several posts quoting the same. Acceptable parts of the removed posts (edited) are returned to the thread below. If you cannot participate in this topic in a constructive and polite manner, then do not participate. Any further such comments from anyone will lead to a thread ban.

I have been on this board a long time, . . . There is no need for you to be emotional, unless this person is a friend of yours, you see and read this ish everyday in the newspaper.

If you trust and believe in God, then get down on your knees and ask God to interven, you don't have that kind of power. The mighty pen isn't going to stop this.

Be Bless.

. . . this isn't about judging you, it's about you judging them.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Kathryn41

[More+Muyi 2]

@ -rae-anne

[D N Medellin COL 75]

Okay, please do not judge as this is a complex situation.

Basically, my fiance and I had a period of a few months where we separated and she was going through a lot of problems and basically slept with a friend. Who, as it turned out, purposely took off his condom without telling her and impregnated her, because at the end of the day he hated the "gringo" (me). Then he forced her to have a relationship with him or he would tell me about the pregnancy, but of course eventually she told me anyways.

Now she wants to do an abortion in Colombia which, you know, may not be so legal (it is legal in the case of rape). It's pretty late-stage (my guess is 6 months). The other consideration is to have the baby, but the baby would never come to the U.S. with us and would essentially grow up with my fiance's mother and we would financially support it. This is all sounds absurd, but this is the bind we are in. I made it clear to here she can do whatever she feels is best for her, but there's no way I am taking that baby into my direct care, ever.

If she performs the abortion, I wonder if a.) The man who impregnated her, who very much knows she is pregnant and knows the hospital where she had her test done, could somehow start a criminal investigation against her (obviously leading her to not have clean police records, etc). It's important to note that no one officially knows he is the father, so I am wondering whether that sort of thing could happen, he comes into the police station and says, "Hey, I impregnated this girl, you can check hospital records that she was pregnant, but now the baby is nowhere to be found. Investigate her!" Could it work like that? b.) What would she do during her medical exam? If she admits to the abortion, will she automatically fail the test when they find no official record of the abortion? Or do they not care to go into that detail? Could she get away with not mentioning it at all?

Someone please give honest advice. To be honest, I am leaning towards her having the baby. I would rather have that happen then take the risk of her running into legal problems, not to mention risk to her own health. On the other hand, that baby is going to have a horrible life in this world. Open to any suggestions. Thank you.

There are many many holes in her story to you, she is most likely scared of losing you and could be giving you a bunch of half-truths. Don't make any quick decisions out of ignorance or emotion. Let the kid live. Allow her time to have the child and if need she could give to the parents and/or grand parents to raise - this is very common in Colombia.

First - The Colombian culture is such that men/kids don't use a condom, so don't buy "that it broke".

Second - It's hard to hear but the culture is such that many many sleep with their "friends", this is probably a guy who used her in the past as a play thing and this is not so uncommon. Let's face it, sex in their culture is more of a biological process rather than our American concept of lovey-dovy forever do we part sort of thing!

On a personal note to you - unless your a true man with complete reasoning and confidence abilities - move on because your in store for some drama and a life that you maybe completely unprepared for.

Good luck to you both, now go make some good choices and decisions.

[Peter_Pan 661]

Why cant the dad raise the kid?

[Lalo & Susana 50]

First an abortion at 6 months is not allowed based on the reasons ur discussing. 6 months is 26 weeks but I am assuming ur rounding the time out and if ur fiance is in her 28 weeks she is in her 3rd trimester. An abortion is normally performed in the first 14 weeks usually anything after that is only performed up to 24 weeks and that is only for medical health problems and is very uncommon. And if Colombia is anything like Chile which I am assuming it is from ur posts abortions are illegal so what u r considering is illegal since the baby is almost fully developed. Abortions at the stage you are taking about usually require the woman to actually give birth to the baby which will probably very traumatic to ur fiancé. If ur fiancé doesn't want the baby she should give it up for adoption. Everyone tells u to bring it to the USA an give it up for adoption but it very common in South American countries that the mother cannot take the child out of the country without written consent from the father and since that isn't an option since he hates u then u should look into giving the baby up for adoption in Colombia.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Lalo & Susana

[Udella&Wiz 325]

My opinion would be that your fiancée needs to make her own decisions. She made the decision to have sex with someone so she is perfectly capable of making the decision about what to do now. She should obviously do what is legal in her country (be it abortion or not at this late stage) and decide from there. It has to come from her - someone else encouraging her to do 1 thing or another isn't going to be helpful and she will have regrets probably no matter what. You need to support her decision whatever it is and if you plan to continue this relationship, it may well include a child. That is something you may need to prepare for. Whether you decide you can do it or not, is up to you and you alone, no one else can make that decision for you.

[Laser1 63]

Abortion is illegal in Colombia, except for cases of rape, or when the mother's health or life are at stake, or when the fetus is expected to die soon. Giving advice on how to avoid prosecution would be aiding illegal activity.

I would advise you to rethink your assumptions. If her mother raises the baby, with financial support from you, its life will probably be fine, not horrible at all.

[Trishy_N_J 23]

Ok, to summertom:

As everyone said, 6 months is way too late. So she will have to go through with having the child.

For those of you going all out 'It's murder' and getting all emotion..THANK YOU MR AND MRS OBVIOUS, but what this OP needs is advice, not for your tears and screams. As if that helped anyone.

Options I see:

1. Take longer to do the immigration process. Let her have the baby and then:

- Let her parents take care of it.

- Get the child adopted. You won't have to think of having to support it since your fiance will probably remain anonymous to the child.

2. Include the baby in the k1 process.

- Get it adopted? It'll be harder at this point.

- Keep it. Why? Because the child will be half of your fiance's and yes another man's. However it is not the child's fault and separating child and mother will suck.

Now is the time for my opinion, read if you want.

In my opinion, a man who decides he's going to forgive his fiance for sleeping around, should be man enough to deal with the repercussions of the act. Not just sweep it under the rug.

I'm a woman, but if I was a man and I was in your situation, I would let her have the child and I would take care of it as my own. Just because the father is a douchebag, doesn't mean the child is the same. The child could be one of the best things that's ever happened to you. A birth is a miraculous thing.

If you're not willing to accept the child, maybe you are not truly willing to forgive? That's just a question, not an assumption.

Assumptions suck.

[djamella 5]

This thread should likely be locked. Can't ask a question like this and not expect an emotional response.

And its not about emotions, its about facts.

6 months????? What have you been doing 6 months to come to a conclusion like this?

As a woman I can assure you, it will backfire on you ... if she decides to have an abortion

based on the fact that you (stating you will never take care of it) talking her into one!

A woman in a situation like this is very easy to influence, and another fact is ... he didnt rape her!

The psychological damage is only a matter of time! A fact!

Sorry about the situation, but you need to find a healthy solution for all of you.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

I can't help but wonder if anyone asked the fiancee what SHE wants to do with her child. The OP states that she wants an abortion, but if that were the case, why is it coming up six months later?

Odd and complicated situation.

Hopefully whatever happens is the best for all involved.

OP, whatever you do, don't lie in order to get a visa. It will be found out and it will be grounds for denial.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Evylin

[aws&ndd 103]

Why not make the baby's father responsible? You said you would financially support the baby, but why is that your obligation? I suggest researching better alternatives. A baby doesn't make the choice to be here, it is the choice of the parents.

[dwheels76 5,468]

I guess I would like to know from OP why is raising this child yourselves out of the question? How would this baby be any different if she came into the relationship with a child. This baby didn't ask to be conceived. and I feel if she if forced into a decision she doesn't want you will both suffer the pain of the loss.

You can start seeking people right here in the US who would love to adopt a newborn from a foreign country. you have 3 months to move on that. But an abortion so late is not wise. Please don't suggest it okay.

I know this is hard and this on top of immigration stuff is alot. Just talk to each other and really really talk for whats best now and in the future for you both. God bless you three.

[mas85 0]

In my opinion, no matter how much you hate the situation, don't proceed with the abortion, just let the baby live because in the future you might learn to love the child or you can let your girlfriend's parents or relatives take care of the baby or have somebody adopt. But if you really want to proceed with the abortion, that's the risk you have to take because it might cause serious problems especially during the medical examinations.