The moral case for sex before marriage

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Jill Filipovic

guardian.co.uk, Monday 24 September 2012 08.30 EDT

Americans love to tout the value of waiting until marriage to have sex. We teach abstinence-only education in schools across the country,and even comprehensive sex-ed programs often point out that "abstinence is best." Pop stars from Britney Spears to Jessica Simpson, to the Jonas Brothers, to Miley Cyrus, to Justin Bieber routinely assert that they're waiting 'til marriage – putting them into the Good Role Model category (at least, until someone leaks a sex tape). There's a booming "purity industry", complete with jewelry, elaborate events, books, t-shirts and DVDs.

Our state and federal tax dollars have long been spent promoting "chastity". While conservative commentators are happy to assert that waiting until marriage is the best choice for everyone and people who don't wait aren't doing marriage "the right way", sex-positive liberals hesitate to say that having sex before marriage is an equally valid –if not better – choice for nearly everyone.

So here it goes: having sex before marriage is the best choice for nearly everyone.

How do I know? Well, first of all, nearly everyone has sex before marriage – 95% of Americans don't wait until their wedding night. And that's a longstanding American value. Even among folks in my grandparents' generation, nine out of ten of them had sex before they wed.

Of course, just because lots of people do a thing doesn't mean it's a good thing. But sex is. In terms of happiness, sex is better than money, and having sex once a week instead of once a month is the "happiness equivalent" of an extra $50,000 a year. People with active sex lives live longer. Sex releases stress, boosts immunities, helps you sleep and is heart-healthy.

Sex is good whether you're married or not, and certainly folks who wait until marriage can have a lot of sex once they tie the knot. But waiting until marriage often means both early marriage and conservative views on marriage and gender – and people who marry early and/or hold traditional views on marriage and gender tend to have higher divorce rates and unhappier marriages. We know that, on the other hand, there are lots of benefits to marrying later and to gender-egalitarian marriages. Couples who both work outside the home and also share housework duties have more sex. Financially independent, college-educated women who marry later in life have extremely low divorce rates.

It turns out that feminist values – not "traditional" ones – lead to the most stable marriages. And feminist views plus later marriage typically equals premarital sex.

Most adult human beings naturally desire sex. And despite the rightwing emphasis on concepts like "purity", having sex does not actually make you a dirty or "impure" person. On the contrary, sex is like most other pleasurable things in life – you can have sex in ways that are fulfilling, fun, good and generous, or you can have sex in ways that are harmful, bad and dangerous. Marriage is not, and has never been, a way to protect against the harmful, bad and dangerous potential of sex (just read the Bible if you want a few examples). Instead of fooling ourselves into thinking that waiting until marriage makes sex "good", we should focus on how ethical, responsible sexual practices – taking precautions to protect the physical and mental health of yourself and your partner; having sex that is fully consensual and focused on mutual pleasure – are part of being an ethical, responsible human being.

Sexual morality isn't about how long you wait. It's about how you treat yourself and the people you're with.

....

If waiting until marriage were simply an individual choice with no political consequences or backdrop – if it were as arbitrary a marker as waiting until the third date, waiting until you knew your partner's middle name or waiting until she wore really awesome high heels – it wouldn't be a problem. And personally, I don't really care when you, as an individual, choose to have sex. As long as you feel ready and it's consensual, I say you do you. But "waiting until marriage" as a cultural phenomenon – albeit one that isn't actually happening for nearly everyone in the western world – has some nasty views about women and sex lurking behind it. Using "purity" as shorthand for "doesn't have sex" by definition means that people, and mostly women, who have sex before marriage are impure, dirty or tainted. As Jessica Valenti says in her book The Purity Myth:

"While boys are taught that the things that make them men – good men – are universally accepted ethical ideals, women are led to believe that our moral compass lies somewhere between our legs."

http://www.guardian....before-marriage

[TBoneTX 45,305]

Interesting enough, si man, but where's the backup proof for her objective claims within the article, huh man?

[JohnR! 5,495]

I think this sums it up nicely:

Sexual morality isn't about how long you wait. It's about how you treat yourself and the people you're with.

The only people who advocate premarital sex to be bad are those who had bad sex after they got married. They don't know any better. It is really no different than taking marital advice from a catholic priest...

[X Factor 1,112]

This article doesn't relate to the 5%

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Interesting enough, si man, but where's the backup proof for her objective claims within the article, huh man?

If you go to the article, certain phrases are in blue. Click on the blue ink for the source that backs up the statement in blue.

[KayDeeCee 4,893]

Interesting article which I enjoyed reading. Thanks for posting it.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?

[spookyturtle 9,466]

Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?

And who would buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first?

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

And who would buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first?

This

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

And who would buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first?

How do you do that when you are buying online?

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

How do you do that when you are buying online?

Are you seriously asking this question on VJ?

[spookyturtle 9,466]

How do you do that when you are buying online?

I would never buy shoes online without trying them on somewhere else first. And only if I was going to save a decent amount of money. Maybe that's why I've never bought shoes online?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I would never buy shoes online without trying them on somewhere else first. And only if I was going to save a decent amount of money. Maybe that's why I've never bought shoes online?

Most online stores let you return them for full credit and usually pay the shipping both ways. I know my size, and have no problem ordering online, because stores don't stock my size, or if they do, they don't have a decent selection. Plus, the price is usually half when you buy them directly from the manufacturer.

Are you seriously asking this question on VJ?

It is a softball for sure, but no hitters in this league.

[spookyturtle 9,466]

Most online stores let you return them for full credit and usually pay the shipping both ways. I know my size, and have no problem ordering online, because stores don't stock my size, or if they do, they don't have a decent selection. Plus, the price is usually half when you buy them directly from the manufacturer.

I don't wear the same size in every brand. I like to try them on in a store. But you are correct, places like Zappos pay shipping both ways, so you can't beat that.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

So the chicks want to talk about sex in this thread, but the dudes only talk shoe shopping...

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD???