Divorce, Hindsight, and Doing the Immigration Dance Again...

[Slithytoves 0]

But I have read posts on here where the first relationship didn't work out due to 'being completely different' in real life as opposed to what was percieved. We've all read them. And sadly they abound. I look at LDRs with limited physical contact as a book vs movie. You have your mind's eye on what you think it is, then it's real life and you see how it is, and sometimes the two visions are totally different.

John and I met online and married after relatively little face-to-face contact, but I'm not the least bit offended by your questions or your perspective. Had someone told me that all of this was going to happen before I met him, I never would have believed I would go for it. Had someone told me that all of this would happen to a person I know and love, I would have tried to dissuade that loved one from it. But here we are, and I couldn't be happier. We both have a healthy, conservative history when it comes to love and romance and we're both old enough to know what we want and need from a partner, so we trusted ourselves and each other to make the decision.

I do believe that the fact that John is English plays a role in our compatibility. I dated another wonderful Englishman whom I worked with several years ago, and I've had many English friends (all in the US). I haven't sought any of them out, but it does seem that I share certain things with the English I've known that makes us a natural fit. I haven't really analyzed it too closely because I don't think I need to. If it works, it works.

If John and I split up I can honestly say that yes, I would be interested in meeting another Englishman, but so early in my Visa Journey I can't really comment on whether or not I'd be willing to connect with one who actually lives in England. It hasn't been bad at all so far, since we see each other relatively often and our I-130 went through very quickly. The separation isn't much fun, but we figure that we waited half a lifetime to find each other so we can wait a little longer to have the day-to-day!

Cheers,

Alice

[Identity 0]

I've always had a natural curiosity for foreigners. My ex-wife and I met online. I'll be much more cautious in future though. This has certainly taught me a lesson that I'll never forget.

Would I go through the immigration process again? Yes, but reluctantly.

My marriage happened and was over rather quickly. I've had to forgive her. And I'm in a much better place now.

Wog Boy

[Fandango 1,440]

Thanks Alice and Wog and KC and Becs for your replies...

Kisschick...I'm not downing ppl outside the US...I'd have to be crazy to do that! I'm just saying the whole LDR aspect sometimes can skewer what is to what you want it to be...that's all....and wondering how to make sure you really know someone even thru limited contact....I'm not saying to never get married again, or never marry a 'foreigner', no.

Becs, I made adjustments....I felt I used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, and you can better believe I made sure I didn't do that again....that's my point

[rebeccajo 14]

Thanks Alice and Wog and KC and Becs for your replies...

Kisschick...I'm not downing ppl outside the US...I'd have to be crazy to do that! I'm just saying the whole LDR aspect sometimes can skewer what is to what you want it to be...that's all....and wondering how to make sure you really know someone even thru limited contact....I'm not saying to never get married again, or never marry a 'foreigner', no.

Becs, I made adjustments....I felt I used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, and you can better believe I made sure I didn't do that again....that's my point

Do you not feel that people can make those same 'adjustments' in mate selection in an LDR?

[Fandango 1,440]

Thanks Alice and Wog and KC and Becs for your replies...

Kisschick...I'm not downing ppl outside the US...I'd have to be crazy to do that! I'm just saying the whole LDR aspect sometimes can skewer what is to what you want it to be...that's all....and wondering how to make sure you really know someone even thru limited contact....I'm not saying to never get married again, or never marry a 'foreigner', no.

Becs, I made adjustments....I felt I used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, and you can better believe I made sure I didn't do that again....that's my point

Do you not feel that people can make those same 'adjustments' in mate selection in an LDR?

Apparantly not

[Sheriff Uling 3]

I'm not sure how to answer.

I would not intentionally look for someone from a foreign country if something happened with me and hubby(which won't happen but answering this theoretically). Yet I would not be completely closed to it if it naturally happened. But, I wouldn't say "Only another person from India". But since I don't chat online, I'd think the only way it'd happen again is if I met someone in real life who could be from another country here on business/travel or something.

I'd find it very aggravating to have to go through it again! It wasn't fun and the distance is awful. But that doesn't mean I would be totally opposed to it again, I just would be stunned if I had to.

But I am not even sure how I'd feel about re-marrying if such a situation arrived. I might not even want to get married again, or not for a long long time. It'd be too horrible for me.

I share virtually the same sentiments as she does... very well put...

[gupt0014 0]

I do think that the 90 day deadline to marry a K1 is not long enough. I think it should be 180 days. I am very curious to know what percentage of K1 marriages end.

I agree 100%...90 days is not enough. I would prefer 180 as well.

[rebeccajo 14]

Thanks Alice and Wog and KC and Becs for your replies...

Kisschick...I'm not downing ppl outside the US...I'd have to be crazy to do that! I'm just saying the whole LDR aspect sometimes can skewer what is to what you want it to be...that's all....and wondering how to make sure you really know someone even thru limited contact....I'm not saying to never get married again, or never marry a 'foreigner', no.

Becs, I made adjustments....I felt I used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, and you can better believe I made sure I didn't do that again....that's my point

Do you not feel that people can make those same 'adjustments' in mate selection in an LDR?

Apparantly not

I wonder why. You started the poll looking for information and it seems to me you've gotten some pretty good feedback without drama. You're an open-minded lady. I'm confused as to why you can't see the other side of the coin.

If you were thinking that the ones wearing blinders and rose-colored glasses were gonna come into an intelligent discussion about this, well, I guess you were wrong. But that says something in and of itself, does it not?

[kisschick1976 0]

Thanks Alice and Wog and KC and Becs for your replies...

Kisschick...I'm not downing ppl outside the US...I'd have to be crazy to do that! I'm just saying the whole LDR aspect sometimes can skewer what is to what you want it to be...that's all....and wondering how to make sure you really know someone even thru limited contact....I'm not saying to never get married again, or never marry a 'foreigner', no.

Becs, I made adjustments....I felt I used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, and you can better believe I made sure I didn't do that again....that's my point

Do you not feel that people can make those same 'adjustments' in mate selection in an LDR?

Apparently not

So, even though I (or anyone else here in a similar or hypothetical situation) also feel I/we may have used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, you are saying that we are incapable of making the same adjustments and learning process in selecting a subsequent mate, LDR or not?

My situation has some similar qualities to Wog Boy and you thanked him.

My town has a population of only 220,000 people, more than half of which are women and I have dated quite a few men around here. If I had an aversion to dating outside my city (a basic LDR, not just an overseas LDR) that's really limiting my prospects. Why would I purposely limit myself to only 100,000 men when there's billions to choose from?

You seem to be ignoring that some of us are saying, "You cannot control who you fall in love with." Me personally, I did not wake up one morning and say, "Hey I think I will look for another LDR." I happened to see his picture, I happened to read his interests and I set out to make a new friend. That friendship turned into love a long time ago. It just so happens he lives in England. Now we are lucky in that we have a lot more options available immigration wise when the time comes, but I wouldn't have turned away from this wonderful man if he just happened to be from Romania like my ex. I'd rather know the person inside than to be concerned with his place on the map.

[Fandango 1,440]

Thanks Alice and Wog and KC and Becs for your replies...

Kisschick...I'm not downing ppl outside the US...I'd have to be crazy to do that! I'm just saying the whole LDR aspect sometimes can skewer what is to what you want it to be...that's all....and wondering how to make sure you really know someone even thru limited contact....I'm not saying to never get married again, or never marry a 'foreigner', no.

Becs, I made adjustments....I felt I used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, and you can better believe I made sure I didn't do that again....that's my point & the fact of the distance doesn't give the partner the benefit of seeing for him/herself. I don't think anyone here can d

Do you not feel that people can make those same 'adjustments' in mate selection in an LDR?

Apparently not

So, even though I (or anyone else here in a similar or hypothetical situation) also feel I/we may have used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, you are saying that we are incapable of making the same adjustments and learning process in selecting a subsequent mate, LDR or not?

My situation has some similar qualities to Wog Boy and you thanked him.

My town has a population of only 220,000 people, more than half of which are women and I have dated quite a few men around here. If I had an aversion to dating outside my city (a basic LDR, not just an overseas LDR) that's really limiting my prospects. Why would I purposely limit myself to only 100,000 men when there's billions to choose from?

You seem to be ignoring that some of us are saying, "You cannot control who you fall in love with." Me personally, I did not wake up one morning and say, "Hey I think I will look for another LDR." I happened to see his picture, I happened to read his interests and I set out to make a new friend. That friendship turned into love a long time ago. It just so happens he lives in England. Now we are lucky in that we have a lot more options available immigration wise when the time comes, but I wouldn't have turned away from this wonderful man if he just happened to be from Romania like my ex. I'd rather know the person inside than to be concerned with his place on the map.

All I'm saying is the physicality is a hinderance - especially with a potential mate who is putting a fake persona forth and you're not around to see that person for who (s)he really is

[rebeccajo 14]

Thanks Alice and Wog and KC and Becs for your replies...

Kisschick...I'm not downing ppl outside the US...I'd have to be crazy to do that! I'm just saying the whole LDR aspect sometimes can skewer what is to what you want it to be...that's all....and wondering how to make sure you really know someone even thru limited contact....I'm not saying to never get married again, or never marry a 'foreigner', no.

Becs, I made adjustments....I felt I used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, and you can better believe I made sure I didn't do that again....that's my point & the fact of the distance doesn't give the partner the benefit of seeing for him/herself. I don't think anyone here can d

Do you not feel that people can make those same 'adjustments' in mate selection in an LDR?

Apparently not

So, even though I (or anyone else here in a similar or hypothetical situation) also feel I/we may have used poor judgement in certain aspects the first time around, you are saying that we are incapable of making the same adjustments and learning process in selecting a subsequent mate, LDR or not?

My situation has some similar qualities to Wog Boy and you thanked him.

My town has a population of only 220,000 people, more than half of which are women and I have dated quite a few men around here. If I had an aversion to dating outside my city (a basic LDR, not just an overseas LDR) that's really limiting my prospects. Why would I purposely limit myself to only 100,000 men when there's billions to choose from?

You seem to be ignoring that some of us are saying, "You cannot control who you fall in love with." Me personally, I did not wake up one morning and say, "Hey I think I will look for another LDR." I happened to see his picture, I happened to read his interests and I set out to make a new friend. That friendship turned into love a long time ago. It just so happens he lives in England. Now we are lucky in that we have a lot more options available immigration wise when the time comes, but I wouldn't have turned away from this wonderful man if he just happened to be from Romania like my ex. I'd rather know the person inside than to be concerned with his place on the map.

All I'm saying is the physicality is a hinderance - especially with a potential mate who is putting a fake persona forth and you're not around to see that person for who (s)he really is

Well, yeah, if the person is a liar, or a user, or maybe has a mental illness.

It sounds like you're saying that most of us (including yourself) would be too trusting to judge someone's character without the benefit of living in the same place.

[Fandango 1,440]

All I'm saying is the physicality is a hinderance - especially with a potential mate who is putting a fake persona forth and you're not around to see that person for who (s)he really is

Well, yeah, if the person is a liar, or a user, or maybe has a mental illness.

It sounds like you're saying that most of us (including yourself) would be too trusting to judge someone's character without the benefit of living in the same place.

No Becca, that's not what I'm saying.

One more time:

There have been how many posts on here that after the fiancee gets here '(s)he is not what I thought (s)he was' Part of that is because SINCE there is a distance, a lot is depended on what you think/hear instead of what you see. When that happens that someone is 'completely different', how does this come into play with finding love in an LDR - again where you don't have the benefit of seeing for yourself?

As far as *my* scenario...yes, there has been much time where D and I were apart. However, before getting to this step...FOR ME...I felt it vital for us to live 'real life' together before deiciding to commit my life. Not all the happy-happy holiday stuff...a new broom sweeps clean, yanno? That's just the way I think. Trust, for me is earned the hard way What can I say, I'm a cynic

Edited November 4, 2006 by LisaD

[Cassie 8]

I do think that the 90 day deadline to marry a K1 is not long enough. I think it should be 180 days. I am very curious to know what percentage of K1 marriages end.

I agree 100%...90 days is not enough. I would prefer 180 as well.

why? In USCIS's eyes, you should already have it all figured out before even applying for the visa.

I'd be happy to participate in your statistics, we got married 6 days after I entered the US.

To answer the OP: would I do the immigration thing all over again with someone else if something happened (God forbid) to Jerry? Who knows, but I wouldn't automatically rule it out, seeing as this relationship is working out quite nicely.

[rebeccajo 14]

All I'm saying is the physicality is a hinderance - especially with a potential mate who is putting a fake persona forth and you're not around to see that person for who (s)he really is

Well, yeah, if the person is a liar, or a user, or maybe has a mental illness.

It sounds like you're saying that most of us (including yourself) would be too trusting to judge someone's character without the benefit of living in the same place.

No Becca, that's not what I'm saying.

One more time:

There have been how many posts on here that after the fiancee gets here '(s)he is not what I thought (s)he was' Part of that is because SINCE there is a distance, a lot is depended on what you think/hear instead of what you see. When that happens that someone is 'completely different', how does this come into play with finding love in an LDR - again where you don't have the benefit of seeing for yourself?

As far as *my* scenario...yes, there has been much time where D and I were apart. However, before getting to this step...FOR ME...I felt it vital for us to live 'real life' together before deiciding to commit my life. Not all the happy-happy holiday stuff...a new broom sweeps clean, yanno? That's just the way I think. Trust, for me is earned the hard way What can I say, I'm a cynic

Well if that's the kind of info you were looking for I think you should have phrased your poll differently.

And yeah I do think you're being a bit cynical. You've got intelligent people in this thread telling you their story and you kind of make it seem like they are....well.....dim.

I don't think you need to change your perspective for your personal life. Whatever works for you works. But you reference the posts about 'oh he or she isn't what I thought they were'. What about the opposite type of posts?

It just sounds like you aren't giving any credence to couples being able to figure out their relationship without having the benefit of similar geography.

[Fandango 1,440]

All I'm saying is the physicality is a hinderance - especially with a potential mate who is putting a fake persona forth and you're not around to see that person for who (s)he really is

Well, yeah, if the person is a liar, or a user, or maybe has a mental illness.

It sounds like you're saying that most of us (including yourself) would be too trusting to judge someone's character without the benefit of living in the same place.

No Becca, that's not what I'm saying.

One more time:

There have been how many posts on here that after the fiancee gets here '(s)he is not what I thought (s)he was' Part of that is because SINCE there is a distance, a lot is depended on what you think/hear instead of what you see. When that happens that someone is 'completely different', how does this come into play with finding love in an LDR - again where you don't have the benefit of seeing for yourself?

As far as *my* scenario...yes, there has been much time where D and I were apart. However, before getting to this step...FOR ME...I felt it vital for us to live 'real life' together before deiciding to commit my life. Not all the happy-happy holiday stuff...a new broom sweeps clean, yanno? That's just the way I think. Trust, for me is earned the hard way What can I say, I'm a cynic

Well if that's the kind of info you were looking for I think you should have phrased your poll differently.

And yeah I do think you're being a bit cynical. You've got intelligent people in this thread telling you their story and you kind of make it seem like they are....well.....dim.

I don't think you need to change your perspective for your personal life. Whatever works for you works. But you reference the posts about 'oh he or she isn't what I thought they were'. What about the opposite type of posts?

It just sounds like you aren't giving any credence to couples being able to figure out their relationship without having the benefit of similar geography.

Well, perhaps you're right, I should have phrased this poll differently, but don't project that I'm trying to make people feel stupid. You don't know what my intentions are, Becca...so for you to project that they're some kind of sinister motives is just plain wrong. I'm sorry, but that's the absolute truth.

ETA I just read my initial post, and I'm going to stand by it....I don't think I would have phrased it any differently.

Edited November 4, 2006 by LisaD