Divorce, Hindsight, and Doing the Immigration Dance Again...

[LaL 418]

I know from participation in other chat rooms that talking to a non-english speaker isn't even fun for me. There's no way I could establish a connection with someone who doesn't speak english as their native tongue. I just don't have the patience. Plus it's my opinion that men and women have enough trouble communicating without adding a foreign language into the mix! LOL

I always said that, too. Language and communication are a big part of who I am and how I connect with people. I had trouble dating an Irish guy because I couldn't understand him on the phone half the time when we were apart! That didn't last long after I left Ireland... but here I am, in a relationship with a guy who I think is really fabulous, and occasionally we DO have language issues, but for some reason it just isn't the issue I thought it would be. He still gets my jokes, I get his (except some Brazilian cultural references) and we don't often have miscommunication issues. I dunno.

It's never been an issue for me because people don't THINK using language. Thinking is conceptual and abstract, and if english is not someone's initial/primary language, it does not mean that their message will be misconstrued. I know in arabic my husband is a very eloquent speaker, and it has carried over to english beautifully.

[Arazia 0]

I'd prefer an 'it depends' answer. I never actively searched for a foreign partner, and if something happened in this relationship, I wouldn't search actively for another one. If for some reason it came up that I had feelings for another foreign individual... sure I might try it again. But really it all depends on the circumstances. That, and I generally plan on marrying once and sticking with it... but you never know.

[sakurasama 0]

I would never even date someone outside of the metro Atlanta area!!!! Never, never. Long distance romance is so painful. I have been trying to get my fiance over here since April 2005 and it has been agony. I never knew it would be so hard. I know he is worth it and I would do it for him a hundered times (and with USCIS I might have to!) but I wouldn't ever seek it out again and I would definitely try to avoid it in the future!

[Karen_L 1]

Ok, lemme clarify....I know none of us are going to break up....surely I know in my water that me and D aint gonna ....but this question is not about if partner (God forbid!) dies....this is in the instance that your LDP comes over, is not what you thought he/she was...

Would you go back to the country of origin to find another?

LOL! I'm imagining myself scouring Albania for another man

No, I don't think so...

If my husband and I broke up, I wouldn't search out another foreign man, though I guess if I met a great guy once again when I was overseas, and we fell in love, I'd petition for him too. But that doesn't seem so likely (it doesn't even seem likely that it happened once lol)

[rebeccajo 14]

I know from participation in other chat rooms that talking to a non-english speaker isn't even fun for me. There's no way I could establish a connection with someone who doesn't speak english as their native tongue. I just don't have the patience. Plus it's my opinion that men and women have enough trouble communicating without adding a foreign language into the mix! LOL

I always said that, too. Language and communication are a big part of who I am and how I connect with people. I had trouble dating an Irish guy because I couldn't understand him on the phone half the time when we were apart! That didn't last long after I left Ireland... but here I am, in a relationship with a guy who I think is really fabulous, and occasionally we DO have language issues, but for some reason it just isn't the issue I thought it would be. He still gets my jokes, I get his (except some Brazilian cultural references) and we don't often have miscommunication issues. I dunno.

It's never been an issue for me because people don't THINK using language. Thinking is conceptual and abstract, and if english is not someone's initial/primary language, it does not mean that their message will be misconstrued. I know in arabic my husband is a very eloquent speaker, and it has carried over to english beautifully.

Good responses!

I dunno. Maybe I'm not being fair and if so I don't mean to be.

I guess the one thing sticking in the back of my mind is another poster with a ME husband who openly posted about him speaking to her often in poetry. Their relationship didn't work out. I often wondered if his prose was their principal means of communication.......

[Caladan 19]

Oh, goodness, I don't even have him here yet.

Couple quickie points: We met online, but not even on a dating site, just by being nerdy gamers. We also met ten times in person before filing, so I'm pretty confident that we know each other about as well as many American couples who don't live together before marriage. (Which is to say, there will be adjustments ahead, but probably not of the deal-breaking variety.)

If we were to divorce, I doubt I'd file for another Canadian. It could happen, I suppose. I'm an academic, there's foreigners all over the place at a university... but I don't think I'd go looking anywhere particular, and I'd prefer to meet in person. As well as it's worked out, it pretty much sucks, and I'd give my eyeteeth for him to be American.

[choji 0]

Probably not.

Even though it's said you can't control who you fall in love with, it's a good idea to know yourself. I know from participation in other chat rooms that talking to a non-english speaker isn't even fun for me. There's no way I could establish a connection with someone who doesn't speak english as their native tongue. I just don't have the patience. Plus it's my opinion that men and women have enough trouble communicating without adding a foreign language into the mix! LOL

So that takes a whole lot of the globe out of the equation. What I find most frustrating about this process is the LDR part. Especially when there's a big old body of water in the way.

I just don't think I could deal with being separated again. Being in a LDR does cloud things. My husband IS the man I thought he was. And I won't hesitate to add there was a LOT more I learned about him after I met him face to face. You can 'fall' for someone on the internet and the phone, but it's pretty one-dimensional. And face it - you don't even know if you have 'chemistry' till you're together. And the length of time most of us get together is really - well - not enough.

LDR's can cause you to 'gloss over' things about the person that you might not so easily overlook if you lived closer. So again, you've got to know yourself - and I mean in a really brutal kind of way. You've got to know what kind of habits, behaviors, traits, etc. you can tolerate. Because you can bet your bottom dollar they will be magnified once you are together.

I probably wouldn't do this again unless I or the man had the financial resources for us to visit often and frequently. The immigration part I can deal with - it's a pain but I can get past it. What I'm not good at is being apart.

I cry and moan on here about my husband's AOS not being complete. But thank God he's here and we are together. I want his immigration process to be complete so that he can feel comfortable and fully documented in America. I guess being with me must be worth it to him to put up with being a 'non person' in a foreign land. And it's those kind of things about him that cause me to believe I won't ever have to worry about doing this again, because he won't ever leave my side.

Surely you are joking.

You must be.

I know a lot - a huge lot - of people who are English native speakers with language abilities well below what I (a non native English speaker) would consider as "slightly below par".

May I say that "conversations" with those people are not always ... hmmm ... fun.

So, once again, you must be joking.

Surely.

[rebeccajo 14]

I know a lot - a huge lot - of people who are English native speakers with language abilities well below what I (a non native English speaker) would consider as "slightly below par".

May I say that "conversations" with those people are not always ... hmmm ... fun.

So, once again, you must be joking.

Surely.

Ok Ok.....lol....i wave the white flag! You got me!!!

Opinion modified..... !

[choji 0]

I know a lot - a huge lot - of people who are English native speakers with language abilities well below what I (a non native English speaker) would consider as "slightly below par".

May I say that "conversations" with those people are not always ... hmmm ... fun.

So, once again, you must be joking.

Surely.

Ok Ok.....lol....i wave the white flag! You got me!!!

Opinion modified..... !

I accept you offering of peace.

Carry on.

[CarolineM 0]

i have to agree with Rebecca Jo. I dated a foreigner I met in person - a nice guy from turkey...but his english, or lack thereof, just made it near impossible. I don't have the patience to teach someone english...but that's just ME.

As for tihs poll...no way. I wouldn't do it. As easy as we had it, I would'nt do it again. ALthough I can't see myself getting married again either...so...but I DEFINTELY wouldnt see it out.

[sakurasama 0]

I am an ESL teacher so I don't mind polishing up my fiance's English! I actually like it! I lived in Asia for ten years and am pretty used to non native speakers and can anticipate the mistakes they will make so it makes communication not so difficult but not always easy either! I sometimes wonder how people who aren't ESL teachers cope with their non Englsih speaking partners. The only perk is is does make you slow to fight because we often assume we may have miscommunicated instead of just behaving like jerks.

I feel really badly when we fight though because I have such an advantage since our shared language is English.

[Aymerlu 3]

No way! Getting my finance here was the longest, hardest journey I've ever done. He's been here only three months and I'm still mentally and physically exhausted by the whole thing. If the process wasn't so difficult, yes maybe. I just can't see putting myself through ####### like that again.

[dmartmar 1]

I would never get involved with another foreign woman again, neither support foreigners in general.

[Alex+R 0]

i have to agree with Rebecca Jo. I dated a foreigner I met in person - a nice guy from turkey...but his english, or lack thereof, just made it near impossible. I don't have the patience to teach someone english...but that's just ME.

As for tihs poll...no way. I wouldn't do it. As easy as we had it, I would'nt do it again. ALthough I can't see myself getting married again either...so...but I DEFINTELY wouldnt see it out.

Yeah, if the communication via a shared language isn't absolutely EASY and effortless, then IMO it's not really a genuine relationship. I know a lot of people will disagree, but if you can't talk, or if you stop yourself from saying something because you're worried they won't understand, you're not really being yourself and you're not loving them for them if the language problem is such that they can't express fully who they are to you.

When I met Rey he was already fluent in English with a large vocabulary, and I have never once modified the way I talk because he's not native. He sometimes makes a phrase like "...the box I put the keys" instead of "the box I put the keys IN" because you don't need the preposition in Portuguese, but that's about it. He can make bad puns in English, so I think that's good enough.

What I don't understand are the USC petitioners who do not make any effort to learn their fiances' languages. If you don't speak their language at all, how well do you really know them? If you don't know their idiomatic phrases or slang, how much of that person is missing from your relationship? I dunno.

Edited October 30, 2006 by Alex+R

[chri'stina 190]

i have to agree with Rebecca Jo. I dated a foreigner I met in person - a nice guy from turkey...but his english, or lack thereof, just made it near impossible. I don't have the patience to teach someone english...but that's just ME.

As for tihs poll...no way. I wouldn't do it. As easy as we had it, I would'nt do it again. ALthough I can't see myself getting married again either...so...but I DEFINTELY wouldnt see it out.

Yeah, if the communication via a shared language isn't absolutely EASY and effortless, then IMO it's not really a genuine relationship. I know a lot of people will disagree, but if you can't talk, or if you stop yourself from saying something because you're worried they won't understand, you're not really being yourself and you're not loving them for them if the language problem is such that they can't express fully who they are to you.

When I met Rey he was already fluent in English with a large vocabulary, and I have never once modified the way I talk because he's not native. He sometimes makes a phrase like "...the box I put the keys" instead of "the box I put the keys IN" because you don't need the preposition in Portuguese, but that's about it. He can make bad puns in English, so I think that's good enough.

What I don't understand are the USC petitioners who do not make any effort to learn their fiances' languages. If you don't speak their language at all, how well do you really know them? If you don't know their idiomatic phrases or slang, how much of that person is missing from your relationship? I dunno.

I have made a small effort to learn Sujeet's language, but it is moving very slowly. I don't feel like it makes something missing in our relationship. English is spoken all over India, due to British influence and rule there, and Sujeet is fluent in English. Hindi is a completely new sounding language to me, and I only know a little Spanish as a foreign language, which does not help me out at all with marrying someone from India.

I personally don't care if someone's English isn't excellent if I'm communicating with them. I've always enjoyed talking to people from different countires and never had an issue understanding them, even if they spoke English so-so. I actually like hearing all the accents. Sujeet is fluent in English, but he has to learn the local slang, so I don't purposely use American slang when talking to him unless I told him what it means. He grew up learning British English, not American English and slang. I don't see that it hurt our relationship at all.

To be honest I never have thought of it as an issue between us that he is from India and speaks Hindi as his 1st language. I love it actually that his native tongue is not English! It brings such variety into my life.

Edited October 30, 2006 by stina&suj