Doubts part II

[jordanianprincess 0]

I always find it interesting how many are quick to point out how so many middle eastern men use women to get their greencard. What about the flip side? What about the stories we hear of asian women doing the same to the men?

Sometimes I do wonder how a person can meet face to face once and then fly to see them, stay for a week or two and then come back and live happiler ever after. That is why I thank God I was able to visit my husband in Egypt many times and then live with him in Egypt for 5 months. You learn something new about each other every day. Truth is we can all say "he didn't use me for a greencard" and those words could come back to slap us in the face.

Actually about 7 pages back I pointed out it wasn't only arab men/women.

Sorry, I don't have time to read 10 pages.

I figured that How's the babies?

Babies are great! Keeping us VERY, VERY busy. And he wants more!!!!

HAHAHA! Now????? Tell him when he can deliver a watermelon from his "you know what" then he can decide

[Caladan 19]

Isn't the premise of all marriage to be mutually beneficial?

Emphasis here on mutual. There are many reasons under the sun one might want to get married, and not all of them are Western-style love affairs. Nothing wrong with the idea that love can come after a marriage, either, or that a marriage can survive once love has faded. But a fraudulent marriage is hardly beneficial to the U.S.C.

The biggest flag for me is a big economic gap. This includes American-American couples, too, of course, where two people are poorly suited but are tied together via income. Saddest story I know from when I was working, girl with a 2C diamond ring, been married a month, cheats on her husband at a conference, explaining that they didn't like each other, but got married because his inheritance from his grandmother depended on his being married or some such.

But pretty much any situation where the beneficiary has so much to gain economically just by coming to the United States, while it doesn't always put me in mind of fraud, at least makes me wonder, even if both sides are sincere, on how the couple will survive once one incentive for the 'relationship' - 'he/she can get me out of here! - is gone.

[~Jackie~ 30]

I have been off the boards all day and night so I can't read everything before posting my opinion, so excuse me if what I am going to say is repetitive.

Many times in our 2 year wait someone would ask me "Is he marrying you for a greencard?'. It wasn't until the 10 year card came did I learn the answer.

To answer that question-----of course he married me for a greencard. He also married me to start a life together, in a country where he could work and be paid what he is worth, to have a good life with a loving wife.

I have seen too many times, the USC have doubts, doubts that killed the relationship. My advice, relax and enjoy what you have together. Don't let doubts cloud your thinking, or you might be left alone with them.

Carry on, I have a kitchen to clean

Jackie

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Interesting subject. Yea, I would tell. I've told several people that I thought they were being used, but that was only if they asked me to help them know for sure. I've also been told that husband number one and husband number two were/are both using me. I don't mind if someone gives me their opinion; I'll take it into consideration, for there are always risks in relationships and one forewarned is forearmed. Husband number one proved them wrong; husband number two, time will tell. It's not like we've never discussed it frankly, tho.

People marry for all kinds of reasons and they grow in and out of love in their own rhythmn and in their own time. It's possible for a potential immigrant to begin with the intent to marry for a green card, and along the way, meet a woman he really loves and wants to marry for who she is, as well. I have a friend who will only consider men who are financially stable. She's in her 60s, has had a hard life, and doesn't want to struggle anymore. Who can fault her? In most societies, it's considered normal for a woman to marry for financial security and men to marry for sex. Muslim culture relies on that premise and scrutinizes the motivations of women who don't need a man's money.

I know that my current husband could have found a much easier way to get a green card than waiting four years (including a one year breakup) for me to marry him, and another two years (at least) to get a visa to come here. I've known of several men who have dumped the woman, even after marriage, rather than wait so long. That, among other things, can be red flags. Large age differences, cultural, ethnic, racial, and language barriers, religious differences, yea, even size differences.

Someone posting earlier said that they wished someone had told them that their husband was cheating before he left. One of my sisters had a similar experience. After her husband left her while she was pregnant, all their "friends" couldn't wait to tell her about all the women he had had affairs with. One he used to do the nasty with while she waited in the car for him. Better to know, IMHO.

Edited October 26, 2006 by szsz

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

My mother asked if I was being recruited to blow things up.

you missed an excellent opportunity to make your mom blush

I disagree. I think both men and women do this. I don't think it has anything to do wth the region but more so their quality of life and what their perception of America is.

along with you can find plenty of con artists in the usa using marriage for their own ends

sure it has.. it was specificly said MENA men. then the age diffrence scenario.

this is a direct insult to those going though NOID/NOIR that think its based on age..

so candy coat it.. do what it takes to nullify it in your minds. I see it as its written.

shon, maybe i'm dense, but if it's a conversation about mena men in the mena forum, what's the major issue again?

[Jenn! 918]

Wow a lot of speculation here about the Cheerleading thread.

Some people break up, this is true. Some break up before the immigration process is complete. Some break up after.

But just because someone doesn't post a lot or doesn't post at all any more is no reason to assume anything. Some people never posted much, or maybe they are just busy with other things now.

Anyway, I appreciate any well-meaning intentions to help keep it up to date. But I want everyone to remember that it's not meant to become fodder for any gossip. It's simply meant to cheer people along as they await an interview date, to note who's approaching their interview so we can wish them good luck, and congratulate/support them as they pass beyond.

Thanks.

-MK

True. But I do know of at least one couple on that list that is no longer going through the visa process. I don't see any reason not to clean it up a bit, take people off who have not updated in a long time. Taking someone off the list should not imply anything except that we're not tracking their progress any more, even though they may be the happiest couple in the world!

P.S. Still on cloud 9 MK?

Edited October 26, 2006 by jenn3539

[doodlebug 3]

Sometimes I do wonder how a person can meet face to face once and then fly to see them, stay for a week or two and then come back and live happiler ever after. That is why I thank God I was able to visit my husband in Egypt many times and then live with him in Egypt for 5 months. You learn something new about each other every day.

The problem is though that not everyone has the opportunity to fly there multiple number of times or to stay as long as 5 months. I know I don't. As a single mother of two I'm stretching things to even go once or twice this year for 10 days at a time.

I know that people dismiss a lot of the online relationships but I really feel you can get to know a lot about someone when you talk via the webcam each night for a few hours a night over many many months. Is that enough to get married? Well I dunno and I'll find out. I think the only thing missing is the actual physical stuff, like how tall is he REALLY or what are his true mannerisms around others, etc. I really don't think anything could change my mind since our relationship is based on what is inside us. We started talking to each other about God and it just went from there but is always centered around praising Allah. I have a hard time thinking that any relationship that is centered on God would fail but then I've been known to be wrong once or twice.

Anyway it is definitely a risk but it's one that I am certainly willing to take for this man who has captured my heart.

[Jenn! 918]

Sometimes I do wonder how a person can meet face to face once and then fly to see them, stay for a week or two and then come back and live happiler ever after. That is why I thank God I was able to visit my husband in Egypt many times and then live with him in Egypt for 5 months. You learn something new about each other every day.

The problem is though that not everyone has the opportunity to fly there multiple number of times or to stay as long as 5 months. I know I don't. As a single mother of two I'm stretching things to even go once or twice this year for 10 days at a time.

I know that people dismiss a lot of the online relationships but I really feel you can get to know a lot about someone when you talk via the webcam each night for a few hours a night over many many months. Is that enough to get married? Well I dunno and I'll find out. I think the only thing missing is the actual physical stuff, like how tall is he REALLY or what are his true mannerisms around others, etc. I really don't think anything could change my mind since our relationship is based on what is inside us. We started talking to each other about God and it just went from there but is always centered around praising Allah. I have a hard time thinking that any relationship that is centered on God would fail but then I've been known to be wrong once or twice.

Anyway it is definitely a risk but it's one that I am certainly willing to take for this man who has captured my heart.

I think it's just hard for some people to understand the online meeting/relationship if you've never experienced it. To this day, even after reading about so many happy couples here on VJ that started online, I can't wrap my mind around how that type of a relationship works, because I've never experienced it. I realize that people don't have the opportunity to spend a lot of time out of the country due to circumstances and expenses, but for me, I don't understand that argument because I can't see myself ever getting involved with someone that I met online in the first place. Not knocking anyone who does, I know there are tons of successful relationships that start online, but it just wouldn't work for me.

I think there is a particular stigma associated with online relationships through MENA because you hear of the sheer volume of men from MENA, well I know Morocco at least, that frequent the cyber cafes in hopes of meeting an American woman. It's hard for me to think that somehow all of the relationships here on VJ are the ones that are genuine out of the many that begin through this online dating phenomenon.

Like you said, it's a risk. And we all have our individual tolerace levels for it.

ETA: Before anyone takes this the wrong way I wanted to clarify that I don't think that the only possibility for fraud is through online relationships! Fraud is always a possibility!

[Aussielad 37]

you know what,.....this only has a hand-full of the same people giving replies, therefore this topic aint that lively, so i'd think its best that MANY DIFFERENT people have their opinions than just the same 5 on this, sorry.

[Aussielad 37]

you know what,.....this only has a hand-full of the same people giving replies, therefore this topic aint that lively, so i'd think its best that MANY DIFFERENT people have their opinions than just the same 5 on this, sorry.

[doodlebug 3]

I realize that people don't have the opportunity to spend a lot of time out of the country due to circumstances and expenses, but for me, I don't understand that argument because I can't see myself ever getting involved with someone that I met online in the first place. Not knocking anyone who does, I know there are tons of successful relationships that start online, but it just wouldn't work for me.

I used to think that way too. As a matter of fact for the first two months I refused to be anything than a friend to him for that very reason. I would laugh hysterically when he would ask me to fly there. I was like, Egypt??? Are you NUTS?????? I don't even like flying to Florida from Boston!!! lol But then we grew on each other and one thing led to another.....

I think there is a particular stigma associated with online relationships through MENA because you hear of the sheer volume of men from MENA, well I know Morocco at least, that frequent the cyber cafes in hopes of meeting an American woman. It's hard for me to think that somehow all of the relationships here on VJ are the ones that are genuine out of the many that begin through this online dating phenomenon.

I know what you mean. He could totally just be trying to meet an American woman but then again, I am attracted to his accent, his culture, etc. so I guess it works both ways.

[Jenn! 918]

you know what,.....this only has a hand-full of the same people giving replies, therefore this topic aint that lively, so i'd think its best that MANY DIFFERENT people have their opinions than just the same 5 on this, sorry.

Has anyone said that other opinions are not wlecome? What is yours?

[doodlebug 3]

you know what,.....this only has a hand-full of the same people giving replies, therefore this topic aint that lively, so i'd think its best that MANY DIFFERENT people have their opinions than just the same 5 on this, sorry.

who said you can't have an opinion?

[morocco4ever 63]

Sometimes I do wonder how a person can meet face to face once and then fly to see them, stay for a week or two and then come back and live happiler ever after. That is why I thank God I was able to visit my husband in Egypt many times and then live with him in Egypt for 5 months. You learn something new about each other every day.

The problem is though that not everyone has the opportunity to fly there multiple number of times or to stay as long as 5 months. I know I don't. As a single mother of two I'm stretching things to even go once or twice this year for 10 days at a time.

I know that people dismiss a lot of the online relationships but I really feel you can get to know a lot about someone when you talk via the webcam each night for a few hours a night over many many months. Is that enough to get married? Well I dunno and I'll find out. I think the only thing missing is the actual physical stuff, like how tall is he REALLY or what are his true mannerisms around others, etc. I really don't think anything could change my mind since our relationship is based on what is inside us. We started talking to each other about God and it just went from there but is always centered around praising Allah. I have a hard time thinking that any relationship that is centered on God would fail but then I've been known to be wrong once or twice.

Anyway it is definitely a risk but it's one that I am certainly willing to take for this man who has captured my heart.

I am one of those that met online. We talked almost every night with webcams and headsets. Although this is not for everyone, and it shouldn't, we have unique personalities. I have told many people, all of my life I have never done anything ordinary or normal, why start now?

Okay, so after one year of talking online I went out to meet and marry him. Was there anything new I discovered about him? Yes, he is just a tad shorter than myself. Anything else? No...he is exactly in person as he was on the internet. Of course the first couple of months we were both a little different, but once we got used to each other we both became ourselves.

So now I have made 3 trips out there. I know the man very well, and I have not for one instance regretted my choice. I don't have a hard time meeting men in the US, so its not a case of desperation, I just finally met one that I found had the qualities I was looking for in a lifetime partner. He just happens to live 7000 miles away....sucks, but its life.

I do believe that many men are there in Morocco, and many other places, are looking for a way out of their country. Maybe this is by way of deceiving the woman, or maybe this by way of finding true love in a different country. We have to be smart and look past what we want to see to what is real. I feel bad for those that can't do that, and I feel bad for the women that are being, and will be used. Its cruel and heartless.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Wow a lot of speculation here about the Cheerleading thread.

Some people break up, this is true. Some break up before the immigration process is complete. Some break up after.

But just because someone doesn't post a lot or doesn't post at all any more is no reason to assume anything. Some people never posted much, or maybe they are just busy with other things now.

Anyway, I appreciate any well-meaning intentions to help keep it up to date. But I want everyone to remember that it's not meant to become fodder for any gossip. It's simply meant to cheer people along as they await an interview date, to note who's approaching their interview so we can wish them good luck, and congratulate/support them as they pass beyond.

Thanks.

-MK

True. But I do know of at least one couple on that list that is no longer going through the visa process. I don't see any reason not to clean it up a bit, take people off who have not updated in a long time. Taking someone off the list should not imply anything except that we're not tracking their progress any more, even though they may be the happiest couple in the world!

P.S. Still on cloud 9 MK?

Haha yes still.

Here's what I'm saying:

This thread is about "Doubts" -- in particular, doubts about being used for a green card. The discussion about removing inactive members from the Cheerleading thread is an entirely separate matter. I don't want anyone to get the idea that people who are removed from the list were in any way being used or likely being used for a green card. That why I'd like to distance that issue from this thread.

We can put it in the Cheerleading thread instead, or start a new topic about inactive members. We don't need to associate them with this particular topic -- you know how those rumors get started !

-MK