change of status

[boo 0]

yes this is a big proplem (i dont no) if this is calling her bluff or if this is really what i need to do .by making the first move. also she has said she needs time and that its hard for her to have to make it right on the spot because of the kids but im on the other end of this and do need to no asap shes had over a month to work this out and im still no closer in nowing shes told me shes lost fellings so whats stopping her from telling me out right. i cant stay here if this is how she fills about me. she is confused and i think she needs help but she wont listen to me shes made comments that she has tryed over and over in her mind since back last yr. and i fill like well thanks for telling me. letting me no and that im the last to no how she was felling. now i do need to no the answers. shes saying to me that she dont no. i have become to hate that word cos thats all she says now (I DONT NO)

Edited October 27, 2006 by boo

[boo 0]

her kids are coming back this week for five days and i no she wont talk about us wen there here. she never dose and i no thats right but i think ive waited long enough shes had over a month to decide. this is why im on here now im at the end of the road myself if i cant force her then no one can . dead end road. but things to to be answerd

[boo 0]

her kids are coming back this week for five days and i no she wont talk about us wen there here. she never dose and i no thats right but i think ive waited long enough shes had over a month to decide. this is why im on here now im at the end of the road myself if i cant force her then no one can . dead end road. but things to to be answerd

im going to try and explain her mind set here.. wots happend is over the past yr we have been getting into rows regarding my change of staus and me being able to go to work to help out with the money side of things. and i have become very depressed about the thing its eaten me away and have become very depressed ive explained to her that changing the staus would put this marrige back on track and thats for the best for everyone. what shes hanging on to is all the rows that have happened over the past year and disregarding to why they have happened shes only seeing the rows not wot caused them and its like talking to a brickwall both of us have said some nasty things to each other. but shes not taking into consideration my side of whats got us to this point she only wants to here what she wants..like i said shes disregarding wot has got us here in the fist place and thats hard to deal with......

Edited October 27, 2006 by boo

[JenT 0]

What I'm reading between the lines here (and again, Boo, very difficult to read without punctuation, at least!) is that the two of you do not know how to communicate with each other. As a USC about to be married to a Brit, trust me... I know a thing or two about misunderstandings due to miscommunication.

There's nothing wrong with creating boundaries... we all need them to survive and be at peace. As I said, only you know where those boundaries are... and if you need help drawing them, you might want to seek some counseling yourself before you do anything else. Perhaps she would agree to joint counseling??

Jen

[boo 0]

What I'm reading between the lines here (and again, Boo, very difficult to read without punctuation, at least!) is that the two of you do not know how to communicate with each other. As a USC about to be married to a Brit, trust me... I know a thing or two about misunderstandings due to miscommunication.

There's nothing wrong with creating boundaries... we all need them to survive and be at peace. As I said, only you know where those boundaries are... and if you need help drawing them, you might want to seek some counseling yourself before you do anything else. Perhaps she would agree to joint counseling??

Jen

counseling wont togeather it has to be done on our own at this point. we tryed that twice all ready. what i was talking about before was was not just the two cultures but being stuburn half the time and not listening to the others half of the story and calling the shots all the time. i can think of a few things two call it two that comes to mind is..... dont do as i do do as i say. and the other one is. cutting off ur arm cos ur hand hurts

[meauxna 15]

What I'm reading between the lines here (and again, Boo, very difficult to read without punctuation, at least!) is that the two of you do not know how to communicate with each other. As a USC about to be married to a Brit, trust me... I know a thing or two about misunderstandings due to miscommunication.

FTR, I'm married to a Brit too, so I'll testify on that one, sister.

I don't have a crystal clear picture of the OP's current immigration status so someone else can double check this, but maybe it's time for the big stick.

boo: tell her in clear, unambiguous language that if you leave the US now, you won't be coming back for 10 years.

While I'm not going to touch the personal issues and the reasons behind them, this is simple self preservation. You need her to do something for your immigration status or ICE eventually will.

Perhaps the specter of jail will move her off her faffing about. No harm in dramatising your point.

[boo 0]

What I'm reading between the lines here (and again, Boo, very difficult to read without punctuation, at least!) is that the two of you do not know how to communicate with each other. As a USC about to be married to a Brit, trust me... I know a thing or two about misunderstandings due to miscommunication.

FTR, I'm married to a Brit too, so I'll testify on that one, sister.

I don't have a crystal clear picture of the OP's current immigration status so someone else can double check this, but maybe it's time for the big stick.

boo: tell her in clear, unambiguous language that if you leave the US now, you won't be coming back for 10 years.

While I'm not going to touch the personal issues and the reasons behind them, this is simple self preservation. You need her to do something for your immigration status or ICE eventually will.

Perhaps the specter of jail will move her off her faffing about. No harm in dramatising your point.

thanks for ur comments sorry about the rocky start at the beging. im already at this point with her ive explained every single worst thing that will happen to me us the kids .i look at life in the realistic way and whats going to happen in the long run not just tomorrow. but im still getting the i dont nos. ive found some were to go and stay with my son now. i just need her to dicide were we are at because i dont want to be wasteing the peoples time that are willing to help me i cant say help then oh sorry no thanks . its like saying im a Scitsofrenic... yes i am no im not.....

[diadromous mermaid 36]

her kids are coming back this week for five days and i no she wont talk about us wen there here. she never dose and i no thats right but i think ive waited long enough shes had over a month to decide. this is why im on here now im at the end of the road myself if i cant force her then no one can . dead end road. but things to to be answerd

In a scenario like this, I doubt that boo will gain much resolution from a chat with his wife as to her intentions. Frankly, I suppose, under those circumstances ~ a sense that incompatibilities, arguments etc, can't be resolved ~ it's dubious that any pressure from boo will result in her compliance to any demands. In fact, it could precipitate yet another disagreement.

I am getting the feeling that she is delaying the filing of any paperwork for boo, on the basis that she fears the marriage will not survive (for whatever the cause) she may not want to be obligated to him in the future. What she fails to acknowledge, or is failing to remember, is that he is the father of her children, and their welfare should be of prime importance. She should be gently reminded that he will have an obligation to provide child support, in the event of a marriage termination, and it would be in her best interest to assist him in being able to secure employment, by submission of the AOS documents so he can get an EAD.

Now I suspect there might be some resistance, on its face, with such a suggestion, if she feels that the marriage is irretrievable (as an I-864 will be irrevocable, once the application is adjudicated). Nonetheless, it might at least identify where matters stand.

It would be wise for boo through some means to alert his wife to her options as his sponsor. If she feels that the marriage is worth preserving, but is apprehensive, she should submit the AOS documentation. If she feels the marriage is not going to survive, she could take steps to terminate it ( of course that would not be the desired outcome, but nevertheless, if the union is doomed better to know now than later).

What is inappropriate, and I've gathered this taking information shared by boo as to her thoughts on the children's citizenship and similar comments (which we presume is accurate), is for his wife to be indecisive as to her intentions in the marriage and as such dangle the proverbial Sword of Damocles over his head as a form of control and brow-beating. While it might be a tough one to present, this is exactly the type of control and emotional blackmail that is not tolerated, and for which the provisions of VAWA offer an alien a form of relief.

I'd advise that boo try to collect as much evidence as he can of these types of manipulations. Demanding that she attend counselling to identify problem areas would possibly reveal informtation that could constitute very compelling evidence (substantiated by the counselor) to corroborate a self-petition under VAWA should things turn really sour. He should propose any suggestions he makes as to improvements in the marital relationships before a witness, if possible, so that he has someone to testify to what her reaction was.

[meauxna 15]

hmm, interesting ideas, DM. I don't get that the Missus is all that sophisticated to be making/not making her choices on things like the I-864 and how long she thinks the mariage might last. I think she has no clue what chaos she is spreading around her and it was good of you to bring it back down to the kids.

You may be headed toward boo's best solution. I certainly would not put myself in the position of relying on someone who has behaved like Missus boo.

But I'm known for being a bit ruthless that way.

[JenT 0]

All good points, ladies... thanks for joining in.

Again, boo, as Diaddie and Mo have supported... you need to focus on your welfare and the welfare of your children. I've learned (the hard way) that you can't count on others to care for you. It's nice when it happens, but it can't be assumed.

Do what you need to do to give yourself some space and then take it from there. But seeking some sort of counseling... whether it be for immigration, for emotional support, or both... should be very high on your list of things to do.

Jen

[MichelleandCraig 1]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is since she won't give you an answer, don't give her the opportunity anymore. It sounds to me as if you've asked her time and time again for the status of your relationship. Maybe it's time to take that decision out of HER hands.

I agree with the others about seeking counseling, and since you don't have much, if any, money to play with right now, Catholic Services sounds like a good idea. (If you haven't done that already...you did mention having made some calls, being able to get help if you need to,etc.)

On a sidenote, maybe I'm wrong about this...but don't all children born to UK/US citizens automatically have duel-citizenship??? Boo, if you're reading this first, don't take my word for that...Meauxa or Mermaid could maybe confirm that? It's just what I've always thought....

I really feel for your situation without taking 'sides' as we have heard nothing from your wife...but I do agree that you definitely sound overwhelmed and need help. I feel for you, and I hope you can find the help you need. I guess, ultimately, what I'm saying is this: if she won't give you an answer, quit asking, and just do what's right for you at this point. As the others have mentioned, getting your AOS straightened out (even if you have to do it alone, as it would seem) should be a top priority right now, along with getting yourself some help...either in the way of counseling or out of the situation..or maybe both. Stay at a shelter if you absolutely must do that...and try not to worry about your children, even though it would be probably be very difficult for you to not be living with them. If she is forced to find someone else to care for them,she will. Put the ball back in your court.

All the best to you...I hope things work out for both of you and for your children.

Take care, M.

[boo 0]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is since she won't give you an answer, don't give her the opportunity anymore. It sounds to me as if you've asked her time and time again for the status of your relationship. Maybe it's time to take that decision out of HER hands.

I agree with the others about seeking counseling, and since you don't have much, if any, money to play with right now, Catholic Services sounds like a good idea. (If you haven't done that already...you did mention having made some calls, being able to get help if you need to,etc.)

On a sidenote, maybe I'm wrong about this...but don't all children born to UK/US citizens automatically have duel-citizenship??? Boo, if you're reading this first, don't take my word for that...Meauxa or Mermaid could maybe confirm that? It's just what I've always thought....

I really feel for your situation without taking 'sides' as we have heard nothing from your wife...but I do agree that you definitely sound overwhelmed and need help. I feel for you, and I hope you can find the help you need. I guess, ultimately, what I'm saying is this: if she won't give you an answer, quit asking, and just do what's right for you at this point. As the others have mentioned, getting your AOS straightened out (even if you have to do it alone, as it would seem) should be a top priority right now, along with getting yourself some help...either in the way of counseling or out of the situation..or maybe both. Stay at a shelter if you absolutely must do that...and try not to worry about your children, even though it would be probably be very difficult for you to not be living with them. If she is forced to find someone else to care for them,she will. Put the ball back in your court.

All the best to you...I hope things work out for both of you and for your children.

Take care, M.

hi thanks for your kind words.. but the marriage is over . i have to leave here pretty soon and im now trying to find out the best way to go about this.... like fileing Divorce and finding out massachusetts law i just cant get my head around why ill have to be the one that has to leave wen ive taken care of the kids full time and been the home maker wailst she has gone to work. its like reverse rolls and i need to no what im intitled too... if anyone has advice on what i am intitled to pls pls let me no as i am like a fish out of water right now and need to no were i stand in all this.... thanks.( ps do i have to file befour she dose etc)

[boo 0]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is since she won't give you an answer, don't give her the opportunity anymore. It sounds to me as if you've asked her time and time again for the status of your relationship. Maybe it's time to take that decision out of HER hands.

I agree with the others about seeking counseling, and since you don't have much, if any, money to play with right now, Catholic Services sounds like a good idea. (If you haven't done that already...you did mention having made some calls, being able to get help if you need to,etc.)

On a sidenote, maybe I'm wrong about this...but don't all children born to UK/US citizens automatically have duel-citizenship??? Boo, if you're reading this first, don't take my word for that...Meauxa or Mermaid could maybe confirm that? It's just what I've always thought....

I really feel for your situation without taking 'sides' as we have heard nothing from your wife...but I do agree that you definitely sound overwhelmed and need help. I feel for you, and I hope you can find the help you need. I guess, ultimately, what I'm saying is this: if she won't give you an answer, quit asking, and just do what's right for you at this point. As the others have mentioned, getting your AOS straightened out (even if you have to do it alone, as it would seem) should be a top priority right now, along with getting yourself some help...either in the way of counseling or out of the situation..or maybe both. Stay at a shelter if you absolutely must do that...and try not to worry about your children, even though it would be probably be very difficult for you to not be living with them. If she is forced to find someone else to care for them,she will. Put the ball back in your court.

All the best to you...I hope things work out for both of you and for your children.

Take care, M.

hi thanks for your kind words.. but the marriage is over . i have to leave here pretty soon and im now trying to find out the best way to go about this.... like fileing Divorce and finding out massachusetts law i just cant get my head around why ill have to be the one that has to leave wen ive taken care of the kids full time and been the home maker wailst she has gone to work. its like reverse rolls and i need to no what im intitled too... if anyone has advice on what i am intitled to pls pls let me no as i am like a fish out of water right now and need to no were i stand in all this.... thanks.( ps do i have to file befour she dose etc)

the reason im asking all this is because shes all of a sudden desided to take charge of everythink again. And is going to be taking care of the babys... shes allready making plans to have someone else take care of them so i can start making plans to leave... if i get her upset she will kick me out i no it. i have to be very carefull how i talk to her right now as shes already been going crazy at some of my replys to wot i think we need to do next. shes the one that wants it finished but dont want it to be fair and equal.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is since she won't give you an answer, don't give her the opportunity anymore. It sounds to me as if you've asked her time and time again for the status of your relationship. Maybe it's time to take that decision out of HER hands.

I agree with the others about seeking counseling, and since you don't have much, if any, money to play with right now, Catholic Services sounds like a good idea. (If you haven't done that already...you did mention having made some calls, being able to get help if you need to,etc.)

On a sidenote, maybe I'm wrong about this...but don't all children born to UK/US citizens automatically have duel-citizenship??? Boo, if you're reading this first, don't take my word for that...Meauxa or Mermaid could maybe confirm that? It's just what I've always thought....

I really feel for your situation without taking 'sides' as we have heard nothing from your wife...but I do agree that you definitely sound overwhelmed and need help. I feel for you, and I hope you can find the help you need. I guess, ultimately, what I'm saying is this: if she won't give you an answer, quit asking, and just do what's right for you at this point. As the others have mentioned, getting your AOS straightened out (even if you have to do it alone, as it would seem) should be a top priority right now, along with getting yourself some help...either in the way of counseling or out of the situation..or maybe both. Stay at a shelter if you absolutely must do that...and try not to worry about your children, even though it would be probably be very difficult for you to not be living with them. If she is forced to find someone else to care for them,she will. Put the ball back in your court.

All the best to you...I hope things work out for both of you and for your children.

Take care, M.

hi thanks for your kind words.. but the marriage is over . i have to leave here pretty soon and im now trying to find out the best way to go about this.... like fileing Divorce and finding out massachusetts law i just cant get my head around why ill have to be the one that has to leave wen ive taken care of the kids full time and been the home maker wailst she has gone to work. its like reverse rolls and i need to no what im intitled too... if anyone has advice on what i am intitled to pls pls let me no as i am like a fish out of water right now and need to no were i stand in all this.... thanks.( ps do i have to file befour she dose etc)

boo, I was thinking about you, and completed the information I listed as Part 4 of the proposed FAQs for this forum, as quickly as I could. Please have a read...

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=39447

[john_and_marlene 162]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is since she won't give you an answer, don't give her the opportunity anymore. It sounds to me as if you've asked her time and time again for the status of your relationship. Maybe it's time to take that decision out of HER hands.

I agree with the others about seeking counseling, and since you don't have much, if any, money to play with right now, Catholic Services sounds like a good idea. (If you haven't done that already...you did mention having made some calls, being able to get help if you need to,etc.)

On a sidenote, maybe I'm wrong about this...but don't all children born to UK/US citizens automatically have duel-citizenship??? Boo, if you're reading this first, don't take my word for that...Meauxa or Mermaid could maybe confirm that? It's just what I've always thought....

I really feel for your situation without taking 'sides' as we have heard nothing from your wife...but I do agree that you definitely sound overwhelmed and need help. I feel for you, and I hope you can find the help you need. I guess, ultimately, what I'm saying is this: if she won't give you an answer, quit asking, and just do what's right for you at this point. As the others have mentioned, getting your AOS straightened out (even if you have to do it alone, as it would seem) should be a top priority right now, along with getting yourself some help...either in the way of counseling or out of the situation..or maybe both. Stay at a shelter if you absolutely must do that...and try not to worry about your children, even though it would be probably be very difficult for you to not be living with them. If she is forced to find someone else to care for them,she will. Put the ball back in your court.

All the best to you...I hope things work out for both of you and for your children.

Take care, M.

hi thanks for your kind words.. but the marriage is over . i have to leave here pretty soon and im now trying to find out the best way to go about this.... like fileing Divorce and finding out massachusetts law i just cant get my head around why ill have to be the one that has to leave wen ive taken care of the kids full time and been the home maker wailst she has gone to work. its like reverse rolls and i need to no what im intitled too... if anyone has advice on what i am intitled to pls pls let me no as i am like a fish out of water right now and need to no were i stand in all this.... thanks.( ps do i have to file befour she dose etc)

Short of a court order, you do not have to leave. If you haven't contacted Catholic Charities yet, do it now. You do have rights here that are not in her best interest to tell you. Even if she owns the home you are living in, you may be the one to occupy it while this is all figured out. She has created a dependency that she may now be responsible for. She is the only one with a legal means of income, so she may either have to provide you support or let you be the one to stay in the home for now. Do not wait for her to act. Your saftest option is to get an emergency hearing in family court to have temporary arrangements outilined. If she acts first, you may find yourself on the street with no income and no shelter until an initial hearing will give you relief. Don't spend your time asking questions here -- contact a help organization and talk to their family law/immigration attorneys.