NVC is ruining my relationship...I might just cancel everything.

[GlobeHopperMama 95]

This process is trying for everybody, no matter how long or short their relationship has been and no matter how long they've been at involved in the process. Two months can seem like an eternity when other people are clearing that stage in one, and it can get incredibly frustrating, but this is the time to seek ways to bond and grow and look to each other for strength, rather than finding ways to turn on each other or start casting blame on external sources. This is one small trial (seemingly huge right now but someday you'll look back and shake your head at what a big deal it seemed to be at the time). Your marriage will experience far greater ones in the future. Any marriage would, even ones between people from the same country. My husband and I have been fighting this process for 4 years, spent 2 1/2 of those in separate countries, had a baby during that time, and ended up having to move to a country foreign to all of us. If anything, those experiences taught us that we had a choice: we could either blame immigration and various other sources for our misery, let it tear us apart, or we could cling to each other and to the hope of eventually living a normal life as a family, which is the whole reason for chugging through this immigration system in the first place. Try to keep that hope in your sights, play the game with immigration, try to comply with whatever ridiculous things come your way and be polite to the people who hold your family's future in the balance. This will end, believe it or not, and someday it may actually all fade into a blur as you pursue the more usual challenges that you and your husband are confronted with in your life as a normal, married couple in the US.

[beck26 1]

if i may say that something that i always tell my fiance to keep me and my fiance holding on to each other even when everything seems wrong:

"happy things come your way when you dont give up"

[Thomas&Cleofe 358]

You sound like a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum...

"I don't want him here by December, I want him here now".

....and you probably did not help your case any by calling the NVC rep. a ######.

Do you think maybe they respond the way they do is because they have to deal with people like you...???

[amyandjorge 76]

Not to be blunt, but the NVC is not ruining your relationship. The NVC is not calling people nasty names, not blaming their husbands for not knowing something that you could teach him, and not being impatient and lashing out at strangers.

Granted immigration is a horrible process to go through, it is difficult for anyone (US or foreign), but please don't expect your husband to arrive and everything will be perfect or even easy. You might as well take this time to solidify your relationship because you will need a strong foundation to jump from when he gets here. There will be a million things he can't do for himself when he gets here that any American partner would be expected to take care of. If not because of limited English proficiency it will be because he is completely unfamiliar of the processes and requirements of living here.

My husband and I have been together 5 years now, married 2, and I can honestly say, I was thankful for the time we had away because our relationship is so solid now. Regardless, I was wholly unprepared for how difficult the adjustment was (for both of us!) when he moved here with me.

[beck26 1]

its either you are ready to get married and lay it all on the line, trust who you love and never give up. hang on to each other and its better if you guys talk it out calmly and how you guys are supposed to be, bestfriends and soulmates.

or if you are not really ready, then you can rethink, because going through this process is hard, but married life is harder, you guys have to adjust to each other and will sometimes argue and will have major problems so if you think that is hard enough to give up then re-evaluate his worth to you....i do complain about the process too but never to the point that i want to quit, i will NEVER give up on my fiance no matter how long i have to wait or what trials we might face...

i hope i havent offended you, goodluck and Godbless!!!

[Darnell 8,478]

It's very sad when a 20 year old impersonates a 4 year old.

OK, perhaps it is OK when the sippy cups contain the same stuff.

You sound like a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum...

"I don't want him here by December, I want him here now".

....and you probably did not help your case any by calling the NVC rep. a ######.

Do you think maybe they respond the way they do is because they have to deal with people like you...???

[danzz 11]

NVC operators don't see packages have been received until there's action on them (approved/other).

We got this from the NVC operator last night, because we asked to confirm that they had the packages, and were told they didn't, so we politely said that tracking showed it was delivered and the NVC operator explained that they don't can't see that, and won't until it's processed.

As a general rule, being polite to administrators is a much better approach than yelling at them.

[bsd058 296]

This process will test your maturity. Forgive and love your spouse. He should do the same. People are fallible. They make mistakes, and even hurt each other. The sign of a mature couple is forgiveness and love despite how annoyed you are with each other. What you don't want to do is blame each other for things that are now out of your control. It won't make him feel very loved. Ya, he needs to pick up his game, but have a little compassion. It'll go a long way in marriage. I've only been married for 3 years to my wife (she is in FL now and I'm stuck in Canada waiting for my I-130 to go through) and I already know that compassion, when it isn't deserved, is the sweetest thing to give a person. Not only do they feel loved, you actually know you love the other person because you experience giving it. It feels good receiving the compassion when you don't deserve it, too. Mercy and grace are difficult to give (because neither are deserved), but it's the best thing for you. You aren't burying your emotions; you're just being selfless. Trust me. You feel the healing when you're compassionate and give those good things that are not necessarily deserved. You also become an example to the other person, and they begin to treat you the same way.

Good luck on your journey.

Edited September 7, 2012 by bsd058

[alebella 3]

You sound like a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum...

"I don't want him here by December, I want him here now".

....and you probably did not help your case any by calling the NVC rep. a ######.

Do you think maybe they respond the way they do is because they have to deal with people like you...???

First of all,

I didn't post this so someone like you to respond to.

Don't compare me to a four year old. Unless you have been in my shoes, which you haven't

Unless you lost you've had your father in and out the hospital since March, unless you lost a sibling who committed suicide, unless you had your older sister come home at the middle of the night with her face beaten up because her stupid drunk husband came home drunk and beat her until she couldn't move anymore, unless you had your younger sister end up in the hospital and having the doctor telling my mother that she can't have kids, unless you had a brother almost get ran over, unless you almost got robbed, please shut up. I have gone through so much in less then a year, than anyone can imagine and yet I'm still here smiling for my younger brother letting him know things will get better. It's just so stressful when you have this to worry about. I can't take care of everything and that's what I'm trying to get through my husband's head. Put yourself in my spot. I want you to feel like I do, wanting to just die because no matter how much I pray, no matter how hard I try, the devil keeps opening my door. I was polite to the rep. she had a nasty attitude, i think maybe you two are related. I won't take ####### from anyone especially when I did nothing wrong. I always stay positive around my peers, never do I get into a bad mood just because everything isn't peaches and cream. So unless you have something good to say, please dismiss your self.

[alebella 3]

This process will test your maturity. Forgive and love your spouse. He should do the same. People are fallible. They make mistakes, and even hurt each other. The sign of a mature couple is forgiveness and love despite how annoyed you are with each other. What you don't want to do is blame each other for things that are now out of your control. It won't make him feel very loved. Ya, he needs to pick up his game, but have a little compassion. It'll go a long way in marriage. I've only been married for 3 years to my wife (she is in FL now and I'm stuck in Canada waiting for my I-130 to go through) and I already know that compassion, when it isn't deserved, is the sweetest thing to give a person. Not only do they feel loved, you actually know you love the other person because you experience giving it. It feels good receiving the compassion when you don't deserve it, too. Mercy and grace are difficult to give (because neither are deserved), but it's the best thing for you. You aren't burying your emotions; you're just being selfless. Trust me. You feel the healing when you're compassionate and give those good things that are not necessarily deserved. You also become an example to the other person, and they begin to treat you the same way.

Good luck on your journey.

Thank you and you are so right. It's just that I always space out when I'm angry and care bout no one's feelings because I'm so hurt. I love my husband, I just don't want to bring him to this world of misery. What if he comes here all excited to start our new life, and he sees how much I'm going through and he also can't deal with it. That's what I'm worried about. I would never leave my husband for making mistakes. I just care for him too much to see him hurt when I'm hurt if that makes sense

It's very sad when a 20 year old impersonates a 4 year old.

OK, perhaps it is OK when the sippy cups contain the same stuff.

What are you trying to say?!

its either you are ready to get married and lay it all on the line, trust who you love and never give up. hang on to each other and its better if you guys talk it out calmly and how you guys are supposed to be, bestfriends and soulmates.

or if you are not really ready, then you can rethink, because going through this process is hard, but married life is harder, you guys have to adjust to each other and will sometimes argue and will have major problems so if you think that is hard enough to give up then re-evaluate his worth to you....i do complain about the process too but never to the point that i want to quit, i will NEVER give up on my fiance no matter how long i have to wait or what trials we might face...

i hope i havent offended you, goodluck and Godbless!!!

thanks for your support and no you haven't offended me. I'm glad that you are giving me advice. I need support like this. Again thank you and bless you

[alebella 3]

if i may say that something that i always tell my fiance to keep me and my fiance holding on to each other even when everything seems wrong:

"happy things come your way when you dont give up"

I love this! I'm going to talk to my husband and work things out. I don't want to loose him. He's always been supportive and although he's so stubborn, I should be more compassionate because that's what wife's do

This process is trying for everybody, no matter how long or short their relationship has been and no matter how long they've been at involved in the process. Two months can seem like an eternity when other people are clearing that stage in one, and it can get incredibly frustrating, but this is the time to seek ways to bond and grow and look to each other for strength, rather than finding ways to turn on each other or start casting blame on external sources. This is one small trial (seemingly huge right now but someday you'll look back and shake your head at what a big deal it seemed to be at the time). Your marriage will experience far greater ones in the future. Any marriage would, even ones between people from the same country. My husband and I have been fighting this process for 4 years, spent 2 1/2 of those in separate countries, had a baby during that time, and ended up having to move to a country foreign to all of us. If anything, those experiences taught us that we had a choice: we could either blame immigration and various other sources for our misery, let it tear us apart, or we could cling to each other and to the hope of eventually living a normal life as a family, which is the whole reason for chugging through this immigration system in the first place. Try to keep that hope in your sights, play the game with immigration, try to comply with whatever ridiculous things come your way and be polite to the people who hold your family's future in the balance. This will end, believe it or not, and someday it may actually all fade into a blur as you pursue the more usual challenges that you and your husband are confronted with in your life as a normal, married couple in the US.

muchas gracias! I am sitting here reading everyone's say and advice and I really am taking them into consideration. I need this kind of advice and support to help me work my relationship out. thanks again and I'm glad that you are now happier then ever.

I understand your frustration.im sorry to hear that,we are the same.i did not see my husband since nov.2011,and i miss him so much and so our three kids.we are waiting to get approve by the nvc,hopefully soon.

thank you ever so much.

Wow.

Using the telephone doesn't work for you.

That sucks.

So, instead, I suggest once a day:

1. send off email to husband telling him to

--study more English

--study more English

--study more English

2. send off email to NVC asking them to

--review paperwork

--review paperwork

--review paperwork

IMO, you using a telephone is going to be meaningless. No One Give You what you want, when you use a telephone, so stop using it.

thanks I'm going to email them everyday now

If it helps read my timeline. We spent about a year at USCIS and a little over 4 months at NVC. Do not end your marriage over this you will be tested much more than this in life.

thanks! will do so.

[alebella 3]

i understand your pain girl,do not give up.it is all about making up things not breaking.stay strong.god bless

thank you and bless you tooo :0

No offense...but this right here is why we went the K1 route.

Is it hard? YES!

Does it get easier? Eventually.

Do I wish he was with me now in my arms every night? More than anything in this world.

But the thing of it is, we've known each other for 11 years. If this was going to tear us apart, maybe we weren't as strong as thought we are. Maybe it isn't the right choice for us. But in reality, its actually made us stronger. It's given us a prospective on our relationship that normal people don't get. I would NEVER want to spend the first year or two of marriage away from my husband. But I also know, it'd be worth it. My fiance is worth every penny we've spent on this so far. I've had to work 60 hours a week to be able to afford to go see him every 3 weeks. (He works but is saving his money since he can't work for a bit after he moves here).

I know when we are sitting in Montreal and they hand him the "Welcome to the USA" letter that I've read so much about, I am going to cry the best tears ever. The tears I've cried now, those are temporary. This pain, suffering and missing each other is temporary.

My favorite saying is "Everything is ok in the end. If its not ok, its not the end".

I'm not judging or going to tell you that you made the wrong decision. OP, I don't know you or your marriage. But what I do know, is that divorce is just as painful as this waiting. You are ALMOST to the end! Just a little bit more time. Hang in there! You have so many years to spend together. These few months are just a small piece of sand compared to the rest of your lives. You can do this. Have faith in yourself and your love and bond you and your husband share.

(Side Note: I've had to kick my fiance in the butt a few times to get the things done he needs to. But he finally told me what his mind set is. Its not easy for him either. He's struggling with leaving his family and a country he's known for his entire life. But he WANTS this. He WANTS us to be together. Its just a matter of organizing his thoughts and seeing the big picture)

Good luck and if you need to talk, message me. God Bless!

Thanks so much! this really helped me alot. and no I'm not offended at all

[bsd058 296]

Thank you and you are so right. It's just that I always space out when I'm angry and care bout no one's feelings because I'm so hurt. I love my husband, I just don't want to bring him to this world of misery. What if he comes here all excited to start our new life, and he sees how much I'm going through and he also can't deal with it. That's what I'm worried about. I would never leave my husband for making mistakes. I just care for him too much to see him hurt when I'm hurt if that makes sense

I hear you. The fact is, he married you and everything that comes with the package. I honestly don't believe anything would be too much to handle. He married you and as the traditional vows go, "for better or for worse." It doesn't matter what you're going through. As long as he meant it (which only time will tell if he did) he will not leave you for anything whatsoever.

What's funny is I am just like you (there are probably a lot of people like us). Scared that my wife won't love me if she really knew who I was, what I'm dealing with, the damage that's been done to me, etc.. I feel so unstable at times, and that's one of the worst feelings a man can have. It plays on your feelings of inadequecies. Anyways, I especially understand the feeling of watching a parent go through illness and worrying if it will affect your spouse (it did affect my spouse). After over a decade of battling diabetes, I had to let my own mother pass away 2 years ago. My wife was there for me, though, even later when I would be rude just because I was grieving (I still am). It doesn't excuse my behaviour; but it's amazing what people will go through for someone they love. And the more I open up to her, I'm beginning to realize that she actually appreciates my attitude and all the damage I feel can't even be fixed. It's just a process. As you open up, I think you'll find that the man who loves you will be more accepting of you than you think.

There's nothing wrong with feeling scared that the other person will leave if they really knew all of the things that give you grief. I think it's natural when you love someone to, in the beginning, not know how much of themselves they've really given you and whether or not you can trust them completely to stay during the hard times. But as you begin to open up, and they mirror your good example, you'll begin to see how much they love you, and you'll begin to realize what real love is. I had an idea of love before I was married; but it didn't look the way it does now. Trials bring people closer if they really love each other. It's tough, but it's the only way to have a love that is not superficial, that can change at the instance of hardship.

So, I hope that you're feeling better, and I pray that you and your husband grow closer everyday, especially during the hard times. You will always have hard times (at least you will in this life). Anyone who tells you differently is delusional.

Here's to hoping there will be lots of good times sprinkled in there, though.

PS - I read this post and I sound like a jerk to my wife; trust me, she is the same way. I know, though, that we can only overcome the bad times with good attitudes. It's the only way people get through things together.

[Thomas&Cleofe 358]

First of all,

I didn't post this so someone like you to respond to.

Don't compare me to a four year old. Unless you have been in my shoes, which you haven't

Unless you lost you've had your father in and out the hospital since March, unless you lost a sibling who committed suicide, unless you had your older sister come home at the middle of the night with her face beaten up because her stupid drunk husband came home drunk and beat her until she couldn't move anymore, unless you had your younger sister end up in the hospital and having the doctor telling my mother that she can't have kids, unless you had a brother almost get ran over, unless you almost got robbed, please shut up. I have gone through so much in less then a year, than anyone can imagine and yet I'm still here smiling for my younger brother letting him know things will get better. It's just so stressful when you have this to worry about. I can't take care of everything and that's what I'm trying to get through my husband's head. Put yourself in my spot. I want you to feel like I do, wanting to just die because no matter how much I pray, no matter how hard I try, the devil keeps opening my door. I was polite to the rep. she had a nasty attitude, i think maybe you two are related. I won't take ####### from anyone especially when I did nothing wrong. I always stay positive around my peers, never do I get into a bad mood just because everything isn't peaches and cream. So unless you have something good to say, please dismiss your self.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.....Boo Hoo

Your the only one in this world with problems...???

Your right I am not in your shoes.....You are much better off than I am.

You have family....your lucky.

I am the only child of parents that were killed in a car accident at a very young age.

The difference between you and me is I don't take my problems out on others.

[alebella 3]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.....Boo Hoo

Your the only one in this world with problems...???

Your right I am not in your shoes.....You are much better off than I am.

You have family....your lucky.

I am the only child of parents that were killed in a car accident at a very young age.

The difference between you and me is I don't take my problems out on others.

No I'm not the only one with problems and if you were in front of me I'd punch you right in the face you stupid F. Don't come of at me like that because you don't know me. Just because I have siblings doesn't mean I have a family. I live with just my parents and brother. Everyone else walked out on my dad once he started getting really ill. The difference? Shut up I didn't take my problems out on others. If your a man I suggest you find your nuts because you sure are acting like a ####### arguing with a girl. Don't know what to say looking ####