Lies and deception. Be aware, please!

[Laci 10]

Thank you All for opinions, advice and encouragements. I will answer few of the questions you put forward. Before I do so, I need to tell you that I am fine and I have moved forward, already. My intention with my post was not single out any nationality, or to say that all foreign spouses are with an ' agenda '. I believe that marriage is possible between two different citizens. I just wanted to share my bad experience and to show that things can go wrong and it is a good idea to be well informed. There is too much at stake and many dreams can fly out the window.

Some of you wanted me to write in more details what really happened. I am reluctant to do so, but I do understand that it is important for other to get the real picture about my story and the lessons I have learned. So, let me try again.

I have my ex in 2010, but our relationship really started in January of 2011. After two months of internet dating, I felt encouraged enough to make a short visit to her city, to meet her in person. I have been searching for a wife for years, after my previous divorce in 2005, and I know that it is important to meet in person, before you can make a serious commitment to anyone. My trip was brief, just a weekend. But we had a wonderful time and I felt that my search was over and I have found the person I was looking for. She was attractive, she spoke very good English, she had steady income from the properties she owned, and she was a widow. A dream come through for a father like me. I need to add to this that I was a single parent with a little daughter and I had custody of her, after my divorce in 2005. My previous wife left me for another man. I cared for my daughter alone, since I do not have any living family members. I was in my fifties, so it was not easy. This was the main reason why I was desperately looking for a new family and a loving wife.

After my return from Colombia, we continued the internet relationship. This involved daily communication over phone, Skype, messenger. Soon, we decided to file for K-1 and we planned to have a vacation together with our daughters. She also had a daughter, same age as mine, and it looked like a dream come through. The vacation planning was exciting, although, it scared me a bit how much money you need to spend a week on the San Andres Island. I am not a wealthy person and I had use all my savings to make this a reality. But I felt this is a good cause to spend the money on. I was building my new family and happiness. Well, the vacation started nicely, but some issues arose. It was mainly about the money I did not have and she felt that I am cheap and I do not want to spend my money because I did not like her daughter. This was a bit strange to me, since I love children and I really wanted a sister for my daughter. Later, she was busy doing all the papers, exams, translations. But we did have some arguments. I brushed away the thought that she might not really love me. I figured this was the cultural difference, perhaps the language, or just the upcoming changes in our lives. I would never think about another man, or an ' agenda '. As the interview at the Embassy approached, (we got approved for the K-1 in two months!), she started to beg me to come again, so the interview would be more secure. She was told that she had a better chance to be approved for the visa, if the groom was there, as well. I had no desire, nor the money, to travel again, since I had to work and care for my daughter. Obviously, my daughter's mother increased her attacks against me, as soon she found out that I might have a serious relationship. So, I had to fight toward two directions, to achieve peace with everyone. The interview was successful and I bought the tickets for them. A month later they arrived to my city.

The first days were busy with shopping. They needed warm clothes and items for their new life. We had to organize our marriage and file for I-485, travel document and work auth. I paid for everything. Although, I knew she had money, (actually more than I did, at the time) but I never asked her about her financies. It was strange though that she has never offered me any help. Today, I know for a fact that she did have significant amount on her bank account, when I was struggling to pay the bills. I believed, as a man, I was suppose to provide to the family. This is all fine, when we have the means. But I did not have. Plus, where I grew up, a married couple would share everything, good or bad, including the bills. Different culture.

Soon after the filing and paying for the I-485, things started to go downhill. The arguments increased and many times I did not know what to think or feel. I just could not understand why did we argue over simple and unimportant issues? Why we would not talk all day and then suddenly she would change and allowed me to make peace with her? This was very confusing to me. I believed that a loving couple can overcome almost everything, as long they are willing to listen to each other and they are willing to deal with the issues together. But this was very one sided situation. It was always me who had to give in. I don't mind doing it, but I need to see some improvements over time. Well, I was busy working and caring for the kids. They both attended private school, so the expenses were significant. I helped my stepdaughter with English and I did the homework with mine. Those were difficult days, but I looked forward to easier times, when my wife would work and help with the finances. In February, when we found out that the work permit and the notice for the interview was mailed to us, we started working on her resume and look for jobs. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt that the lowest point of our life would be soon over.

On the last Sunday of our relationship, before separation, she started another argument over something unimportant. She went on almost all day and our day was ruined again. I came to the conclusion that something was really wrong with this marriage. I just could not understand the reason of this situation. We were suppose to be all happy and loving. Instead, we had almost daily fights. Well, when the kids went to sleep that night, we started our regular analyzing what happened and who did what and why? This was the moment to me, when I realized that I could not do this any longer. No matter how much I have invested into this marriage and no matter how much I was dreaming about this, I just could look forward for a relationship, where the arguments are day by day, where my daughter is distancing herself from me, because she felt I neglected her, where I was accused of mistreating my stepdaughter, and my wife just was not happy with me or with our situation. This was not my dream to be. I told my wife that I do not see any chance for our marriage and it would be better to divorce. She was constantly bombarding me that she would return to Colombia, where she had a happy and comfortable life. I felt that she did not really wanted to be with me, or in this country. It was better to stop the damage, before there was no return. We could cut our losses and perhaps start over somewhere else. Well, she accepted my divorce idea and to return to her country. But in a sudden turn, she asked me if I would support her green card process and she would wait with the return, until it was final? Separately, of course. The lightning just stroke me! First time in our relationship, I have realized that perhaps this was her only goal with this marriage! Of course, I refused to support her green card deal and we were separated that morning.

On Monday, after my return from work, I went on with my daughter's homework. However, my wife would not let me do it and she was saying that we must talk things over and see what we can do. At this point, I was already determined to finish this marriage, so I refused to talk about this and I offered her to revisit the subject when the children were not around. She did not care. She followed me everywhere. To cool myself down, I decided to leave the house. She did not let me. She blocked the door and was yelling into my face. I could see that she was getting really angry, so I forced the door open and left. I thought, this was the end of it. I was wrong. When I returned and started the homework again with my daughter, in few moments, my wife and her daughter ran out of the house. This was strange, so I looked out the window and I could see that the police patrol was entering. The officers came in and they interviewed us separately. I found out that my wife recorded our argument on my iPhone, which she was hiding in her pocket. She played this recording to the police, outside of the house. The police found that there was no crime, so they left us alone and told us to cool down. Normally, the husband goes to gail, when there is a domestic violence call. Obviously, I was shocked, because I have never had anything to do with police in my whole life. It was hard to believe this could happen to me. After the police left, my wife asked me for her passports and our marriage certificate. I still believed that she was going back, because she told me that she talked to her family about this, already. Well, the next day, after I arrived from work, she was gone. Her and her daughter disappeared and all her belongings. I could not really understand, but I thought she was on the plane back to her country. I purchased roundtrip tickets for them, so it was not impossible. The silence was strange, not having them there.

Two days later, when I looked at my phone records, I could see that there was a call between my daughter's mother and my wife. This was very odd, since she hated her and she was jealous of her. When I asked my previous wife about it, she told me that, yes, my wife contacted her and it would be better to talk in person immediately. At our conversation, she told me that I was in deep trouble and I could loose my daughter easily. I was shocked, but once she told me about the events of the last few days, I did understand the seriousness of my situation. So, my wife contacted her and asked her for help to get to the agencies and shelter. In return, she offered her assistance to take my daughter away from me. Well, my ex came to the rescue and helped her to the shelter and they had a long talk. Without going into details here, I had agreed to transfer the custody of my daughter. Why? I had no choice. This was my only hope to be able to see her, in the future. It was not easy.

My ex told me that my wife recorded everything and she was accusing me with terrible things. Very soon I found out about this, too.

A week later, I was served with court papers. My wife filed for OP and RO against me on the bases that I was abusing her psychologically and she suffered terribly during our marriage. As you know, an immigrant person, who was abused, automatically receives government assistance. Cash, food, shelter, health coverage, education and legal assistance. All totally free. But it is me, who has to prove that I was accused without any bases and I was innocent. She wrote horrible things into her declaration. She was also coached, what to include and how to say it. I just could not believe those terrible accusations. Either way, to avoid going to jail for abuse, I had to hire an attorney. As you know, this is not free and very pricey. What could I do? I could not risk anything to defend myself. I had a little daughter in my life. Of course, on advice, my wife played the game with the court with ' discovery ' and ' cannot read English ' game, so our hearing was postponed 3 times. Finally, the commissioner said, no more! The hearing ended up dismissing the OP, but allowed the RO for the duration of our divorce. I filed for Annulment a week after our separation. I thought that the hard part was over. I was wrong. My wife filed for divorce. In our state, both parties can file. This resulted more court appearances and more nerve tearing to me. I hired a divorce attorney, but it was a bad move. I got terrible advice and my case was going down. Meanwhile, my wife filed for spousal support. Normally, there is no spousal support after 2 months of marriage. Not even temporary. But in my case, she was awarded 5 months support, which I am still paying for her. This was the point when I realized that I do not have any chance to fight the system. The system supports the immigrant, no matter what the cost. So, I decided to offer her a settlement. I suggested that she could keep everything she took from me and I was going to cancel my filing and any investigations. She accepted it and now we are divorced.

Here I am now. My house was sold on short sale, I lost all my savings, I lost my daughter, I lost the dream to have a family. I am close to retirement, so not much time is left to recover financially. Luckily, I am a person who can live a very simple life. As of the relationships, I am not in the mood. There is no reason to get married again. I will have friends, but I don't think I can trust again. Regardless, I will recover and move on. I already did. I moved to a new location to be close to my daughter. This way I will be able to see her frequently. I found a very nice place to live and I love my work. Things will get better.

The lessons I learned:

- Don't rush, take your time.

- Travel there, or better yet, live there with her, if you can. Spend time together and with her family more.

- Make sure you both speak the language and communicate fluently.

- If money is an issue, be aware of no commitment on her side.

- If children are involved, be very careful. Set the rules and guidelines ahead. Make sure you are on agreements.

- Don't believe this statement ' age does not matter, what is in your heart important only ' It is not true.

- Use all communication platforms and show every little detail of your life, as it was suggested by someone here.

- If arguments start and increase, slow down, don't file just yet.

- Select wisely, so you match intellectually and physically.

Well, there is more, but I do not want to make this too long.

At the end, I wish to quote a friend about the signs of a person with an ' agenda ':

a. Your spouse hides his/her internet use from you, or won't use the computer with you around.

b. Your spouse is visiting dating sites.

c. Your spouse keep secrets about who phone conversations are with.

d. Your spouse avoids physical contact with you. Your spouse frequently "has a headache" when it comes to intimacy. Your spouse makes excuses for this. You feel more like roommates than you do a married couple.

e. Your spouse is trying to gain control of your finances and your assests, but surprisingly has a separate bank account. Your spouse wants access to your assests, but does not want the responsibilities for your liabilities.

f. Your spouse tries to provoke confrontations with you, over seemingly trivial things.

g. You have an unexplained feeling that your spouse wants you to become physical.

h. Your spouse calls 911 after a verbal argument, and complains of physical abuse.

i. Your spouse tells family, friends, and neighbors stories of physical abuse.

j. Your spouse begins talking to a women's shelter.

Again. I just wanted to help those, who could be in trouble. For all the other happy couples, I wish the best and I am happy that you found the right ONE. I did not and I made lot of mistakes. You should avoid them. I just wanted to help.

Laci

[InHisTime 110]

Thank you All for opinions, advice and encouragements. I will answer few of the questions you put forward. Before I do so, I need to tell you that I am fine and I have moved forward, already. My intention with my post was not single out any nationality, or to say that all foreign spouses are with an ' agenda '. I believe that marriage is possible between two different citizens. I just wanted to share my bad experience and to show that things can go wrong and it is a good idea to be well informed. There is too much at stake and many dreams can fly out the window.

Some of you wanted me to write in more details what really happened. I am reluctant to do so, but I do understand that it is important for other to get the real picture about my story and the lessons I have learned. So, let me try again.

I have my ex in 2010, but our relationship really started in January of 2011. After two months of internet dating, I felt encouraged enough to make a short visit to her city, to meet her in person. I have been searching for a wife for years, after my previous divorce in 2005, and I know that it is important to meet in person, before you can make a serious commitment to anyone. My trip was brief, just a weekend. But we had a wonderful time and I felt that my search was over and I have found the person I was looking for. She was attractive, she spoke very good English, she had steady income from the properties she owned, and she was a widow. A dream come through for a father like me. I need to add to this that I was a single parent with a little daughter and I had custody of her, after my divorce in 2005. My previous wife left me for another man. I cared for my daughter alone, since I do not have any living family members. I was in my fifties, so it was not easy. This was the main reason why I was desperately looking for a new family and a loving wife.

After my return from Colombia, we continued the internet relationship. This involved daily communication over phone, Skype, messenger. Soon, we decided to file for K-1 and we planned to have a vacation together with our daughters. She also had a daughter, same age as mine, and it looked like a dream come through. The vacation planning was exciting, although, it scared me a bit how much money you need to spend a week on the San Andres Island. I am not a wealthy person and I had use all my savings to make this a reality. But I felt this is a good cause to spend the money on. I was building my new family and happiness. Well, the vacation started nicely, but some issues arose. It was mainly about the money I did not have and she felt that I am cheap and I do not want to spend my money because I did not like her daughter. This was a bit strange to me, since I love children and I really wanted a sister for my daughter. Later, she was busy doing all the papers, exams, translations. But we did have some arguments. I brushed away the thought that she might not really love me. I figured this was the cultural difference, perhaps the language, or just the upcoming changes in our lives. I would never think about another man, or an ' agenda '. As the interview at the Embassy approached, (we got approved for the K-1 in two months!), she started to beg me to come again, so the interview would be more secure. She was told that she had a better chance to be approved for the visa, if the groom was there, as well. I had no desire, nor the money, to travel again, since I had to work and care for my daughter. Obviously, my daughter's mother increased her attacks against me, as soon she found out that I might have a serious relationship. So, I had to fight toward two directions, to achieve peace with everyone. The interview was successful and I bought the tickets for them. A month later they arrived to my city.

The first days were busy with shopping. They needed warm clothes and items for their new life. We had to organize our marriage and file for I-485, travel document and work auth. I paid for everything. Although, I knew she had money, (actually more than I did, at the time) but I never asked her about her financies. It was strange though that she has never offered me any help. Today, I know for a fact that she did have significant amount on her bank account, when I was struggling to pay the bills. I believed, as a man, I was suppose to provide to the family. This is all fine, when we have the means. But I did not have. Plus, where I grew up, a married couple would share everything, good or bad, including the bills. Different culture.

Soon after the filing and paying for the I-485, things started to go downhill. The arguments increased and many times I did not know what to think or feel. I just could not understand why did we argue over simple and unimportant issues? Why we would not talk all day and then suddenly she would change and allowed me to make peace with her? This was very confusing to me. I believed that a loving couple can overcome almost everything, as long they are willing to listen to each other and they are willing to deal with the issues together. But this was very one sided situation. It was always me who had to give in. I don't mind doing it, but I need to see some improvements over time. Well, I was busy working and caring for the kids. They both attended private school, so the expenses were significant. I helped my stepdaughter with English and I did the homework with mine. Those were difficult days, but I looked forward to easier times, when my wife would work and help with the finances. In February, when we found out that the work permit and the notice for the interview was mailed to us, we started working on her resume and look for jobs. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt that the lowest point of our life would be soon over.

On the last Sunday of our relationship, before separation, she started another argument over something unimportant. She went on almost all day and our day was ruined again. I came to the conclusion that something was really wrong with this marriage. I just could not understand the reason of this situation. We were suppose to be all happy and loving. Instead, we had almost daily fights. Well, when the kids went to sleep that night, we started our regular analyzing what happened and who did what and why? This was the moment to me, when I realized that I could not do this any longer. No matter how much I have invested into this marriage and no matter how much I was dreaming about this, I just could look forward for a relationship, where the arguments are day by day, where my daughter is distancing herself from me, because she felt I neglected her, where I was accused of mistreating my stepdaughter, and my wife just was not happy with me or with our situation. This was not my dream to be. I told my wife that I do not see any chance for our marriage and it would be better to divorce. She was constantly bombarding me that she would return to Colombia, where she had a happy and comfortable life. I felt that she did not really wanted to be with me, or in this country. It was better to stop the damage, before there was no return. We could cut our losses and perhaps start over somewhere else. Well, she accepted my divorce idea and to return to her country. But in a sudden turn, she asked me if I would support her green card process and she would wait with the return, until it was final? Separately, of course. The lightning just stroke me! First time in our relationship, I have realized that perhaps this was her only goal with this marriage! Of course, I refused to support her green card deal and we were separated that morning.

On Monday, after my return from work, I went on with my daughter's homework. However, my wife would not let me do it and she was saying that we must talk things over and see what we can do. At this point, I was already determined to finish this marriage, so I refused to talk about this and I offered her to revisit the subject when the children were not around. She did not care. She followed me everywhere. To cool myself down, I decided to leave the house. She did not let me. She blocked the door and was yelling into my face. I could see that she was getting really angry, so I forced the door open and left. I thought, this was the end of it. I was wrong. When I returned and started the homework again with my daughter, in few moments, my wife and her daughter ran out of the house. This was strange, so I looked out the window and I could see that the police patrol was entering. The officers came in and they interviewed us separately. I found out that my wife recorded our argument on my iPhone, which she was hiding in her pocket. She played this recording to the police, outside of the house. The police found that there was no crime, so they left us alone and told us to cool down. Normally, the husband goes to gail, when there is a domestic violence call. Obviously, I was shocked, because I have never had anything to do with police in my whole life. It was hard to believe this could happen to me. After the police left, my wife asked me for her passports and our marriage certificate. I still believed that she was going back, because she told me that she talked to her family about this, already. Well, the next day, after I arrived from work, she was gone. Her and her daughter disappeared and all her belongings. I could not really understand, but I thought she was on the plane back to her country. I purchased roundtrip tickets for them, so it was not impossible. The silence was strange, not having them there.

Two days later, when I looked at my phone records, I could see that there was a call between my daughter's mother and my wife. This was very odd, since she hated her and she was jealous of her. When I asked my previous wife about it, she told me that, yes, my wife contacted her and it would be better to talk in person immediately. At our conversation, she told me that I was in deep trouble and I could loose my daughter easily. I was shocked, but once she told me about the events of the last few days, I did understand the seriousness of my situation. So, my wife contacted her and asked her for help to get to the agencies and shelter. In return, she offered her assistance to take my daughter away from me. Well, my ex came to the rescue and helped her to the shelter and they had a long talk. Without going into details here, I had agreed to transfer the custody of my daughter. Why? I had no choice. This was my only hope to be able to see her, in the future. It was not easy.

My ex told me that my wife recorded everything and she was accusing me with terrible things. Very soon I found out about this, too.

A week later, I was served with court papers. My wife filed for OP and RO against me on the bases that I was abusing her psychologically and she suffered terribly during our marriage. As you know, an immigrant person, who was abused, automatically receives government assistance. Cash, food, shelter, health coverage, education and legal assistance. All totally free. But it is me, who has to prove that I was accused without any bases and I was innocent. She wrote horrible things into her declaration. She was also coached, what to include and how to say it. I just could not believe those terrible accusations. Either way, to avoid going to jail for abuse, I had to hire an attorney. As you know, this is not free and very pricey. What could I do? I could not risk anything to defend myself. I had a little daughter in my life. Of course, on advice, my wife played the game with the court with ' discovery ' and ' cannot read English ' game, so our hearing was postponed 3 times. Finally, the commissioner said, no more! The hearing ended up dismissing the OP, but allowed the RO for the duration of our divorce. I filed for Annulment a week after our separation. I thought that the hard part was over. I was wrong. My wife filed for divorce. In our state, both parties can file. This resulted more court appearances and more nerve tearing to me. I hired a divorce attorney, but it was a bad move. I got terrible advice and my case was going down. Meanwhile, my wife filed for spousal support. Normally, there is no spousal support after 2 months of marriage. Not even temporary. But in my case, she was awarded 5 months support, which I am still paying for her. This was the point when I realized that I do not have any chance to fight the system. The system supports the immigrant, no matter what the cost. So, I decided to offer her a settlement. I suggested that she could keep everything she took from me and I was going to cancel my filing and any investigations. She accepted it and now we are divorced.

Here I am now. My house was sold on short sale, I lost all my savings, I lost my daughter, I lost the dream to have a family. I am close to retirement, so not much time is left to recover financially. Luckily, I am a person who can live a very simple life. As of the relationships, I am not in the mood. There is no reason to get married again. I will have friends, but I don't think I can trust again. Regardless, I will recover and move on. I already did. I moved to a new location to be close to my daughter. This way I will be able to see her frequently. I found a very nice place to live and I love my work. Things will get better.

The lessons I learned:

- Don't rush, take your time.

- Travel there, or better yet, live there with her, if you can. Spend time together and with her family more.

- Make sure you both speak the language and communicate fluently.

- If money is an issue, be aware of no commitment on her side.

- If children are involved, be very careful. Set the rules and guidelines ahead. Make sure you are on agreements.

- Don't believe this statement ' age does not matter, what is in your heart important only ' It is not true.

- Use all communication platforms and show every little detail of your life, as it was suggested by someone here.

- If arguments start and increase, slow down, don't file just yet.

- Select wisely, so you match intellectually and physically.

Well, there is more, but I do not want to make this too long.

At the end, I wish to quote a friend about the signs of a person with an ' agenda ':

a. Your spouse hides his/her internet use from you, or won't use the computer with you around.

b. Your spouse is visiting dating sites.

c. Your spouse keep secrets about who phone conversations are with.

d. Your spouse avoids physical contact with you. Your spouse frequently "has a headache" when it comes to intimacy. Your spouse makes excuses for this. You feel more like roommates than you do a married couple.

e. Your spouse is trying to gain control of your finances and your assests, but surprisingly has a separate bank account. Your spouse wants access to your assests, but does not want the responsibilities for your liabilities.

f. Your spouse tries to provoke confrontations with you, over seemingly trivial things.

g. You have an unexplained feeling that your spouse wants you to become physical.

h. Your spouse calls 911 after a verbal argument, and complains of physical abuse.

i. Your spouse tells family, friends, and neighbors stories of physical abuse.

j. Your spouse begins talking to a women's shelter.

Again. I just wanted to help those, who could be in trouble. For all the other happy couples, I wish the best and I am happy that you found the right ONE. I did not and I made lot of mistakes. You should avoid them. I just wanted to help.

Laci

Thanks so much for your effort in writing your experiences. I'm sure your sharing could be very helpful in some situations especially the very good tips. I hope in time things would be more better for you and your daughter. Always remember God could see us through --- God knows best for us. Take care and may the Lord bless you and your daughter.

[Moomin 292]

Thank you All for opinions, advice and encouragements. I will answer few of the questions you put forward. Before I do so, I need to tell you that I am fine and I have moved forward, already. My intention with my post was not single out any nationality, or to say that all foreign spouses are with an ' agenda '. I believe that marriage is possible between two different citizens. I just wanted to share my bad experience and to show that things can go wrong and it is a good idea to be well informed. There is too much at stake and many dreams can fly out the window.

Some of you wanted me to write in more details what really happened. I am reluctant to do so, but I do understand that it is important for other to get the real picture about my story and the lessons I have learned. So, let me try again.

I have my ex in 2010, but our relationship really started in January of 2011. After two months of internet dating, I felt encouraged enough to make a short visit to her city, to meet her in person. I have been searching for a wife for years, after my previous divorce in 2005, and I know that it is important to meet in person, before you can make a serious commitment to anyone. My trip was brief, just a weekend. But we had a wonderful time and I felt that my search was over and I have found the person I was looking for. She was attractive, she spoke very good English, she had steady income from the properties she owned, and she was a widow. A dream come through for a father like me. I need to add to this that I was a single parent with a little daughter and I had custody of her, after my divorce in 2005. My previous wife left me for another man. I cared for my daughter alone, since I do not have any living family members. I was in my fifties, so it was not easy. This was the main reason why I was desperately looking for a new family and a loving wife.

After my return from Colombia, we continued the internet relationship. This involved daily communication over phone, Skype, messenger. Soon, we decided to file for K-1 and we planned to have a vacation together with our daughters. She also had a daughter, same age as mine, and it looked like a dream come through. The vacation planning was exciting, although, it scared me a bit how much money you need to spend a week on the San Andres Island. I am not a wealthy person and I had use all my savings to make this a reality. But I felt this is a good cause to spend the money on. I was building my new family and happiness. Well, the vacation started nicely, but some issues arose. It was mainly about the money I did not have and she felt that I am cheap and I do not want to spend my money because I did not like her daughter. This was a bit strange to me, since I love children and I really wanted a sister for my daughter. Later, she was busy doing all the papers, exams, translations. But we did have some arguments. I brushed away the thought that she might not really love me. I figured this was the cultural difference, perhaps the language, or just the upcoming changes in our lives. I would never think about another man, or an ' agenda '. As the interview at the Embassy approached, (we got approved for the K-1 in two months!), she started to beg me to come again, so the interview would be more secure. She was told that she had a better chance to be approved for the visa, if the groom was there, as well. I had no desire, nor the money, to travel again, since I had to work and care for my daughter. Obviously, my daughter's mother increased her attacks against me, as soon she found out that I might have a serious relationship. So, I had to fight toward two directions, to achieve peace with everyone. The interview was successful and I bought the tickets for them. A month later they arrived to my city.

The first days were busy with shopping. They needed warm clothes and items for their new life. We had to organize our marriage and file for I-485, travel document and work auth. I paid for everything. Although, I knew she had money, (actually more than I did, at the time) but I never asked her about her financies. It was strange though that she has never offered me any help. Today, I know for a fact that she did have significant amount on her bank account, when I was struggling to pay the bills. I believed, as a man, I was suppose to provide to the family. This is all fine, when we have the means. But I did not have. Plus, where I grew up, a married couple would share everything, good or bad, including the bills. Different culture.

Soon after the filing and paying for the I-485, things started to go downhill. The arguments increased and many times I did not know what to think or feel. I just could not understand why did we argue over simple and unimportant issues? Why we would not talk all day and then suddenly she would change and allowed me to make peace with her? This was very confusing to me. I believed that a loving couple can overcome almost everything, as long they are willing to listen to each other and they are willing to deal with the issues together. But this was very one sided situation. It was always me who had to give in. I don't mind doing it, but I need to see some improvements over time. Well, I was busy working and caring for the kids. They both attended private school, so the expenses were significant. I helped my stepdaughter with English and I did the homework with mine. Those were difficult days, but I looked forward to easier times, when my wife would work and help with the finances. In February, when we found out that the work permit and the notice for the interview was mailed to us, we started working on her resume and look for jobs. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt that the lowest point of our life would be soon over.

On the last Sunday of our relationship, before separation, she started another argument over something unimportant. She went on almost all day and our day was ruined again. I came to the conclusion that something was really wrong with this marriage. I just could not understand the reason of this situation. We were suppose to be all happy and loving. Instead, we had almost daily fights. Well, when the kids went to sleep that night, we started our regular analyzing what happened and who did what and why? This was the moment to me, when I realized that I could not do this any longer. No matter how much I have invested into this marriage and no matter how much I was dreaming about this, I just could look forward for a relationship, where the arguments are day by day, where my daughter is distancing herself from me, because she felt I neglected her, where I was accused of mistreating my stepdaughter, and my wife just was not happy with me or with our situation. This was not my dream to be. I told my wife that I do not see any chance for our marriage and it would be better to divorce. She was constantly bombarding me that she would return to Colombia, where she had a happy and comfortable life. I felt that she did not really wanted to be with me, or in this country. It was better to stop the damage, before there was no return. We could cut our losses and perhaps start over somewhere else. Well, she accepted my divorce idea and to return to her country. But in a sudden turn, she asked me if I would support her green card process and she would wait with the return, until it was final? Separately, of course. The lightning just stroke me! First time in our relationship, I have realized that perhaps this was her only goal with this marriage! Of course, I refused to support her green card deal and we were separated that morning.

Two days later, when I looked at my phone records, I could see that there was a call between my daughter's mother and my wife. This was very odd, since she hated her and she was jealous of her. When I asked my previous wife about it, she told me that, yes, my wife contacted her and it would be better to talk in person immediately. At our conversation, she told me that I was in deep trouble and I could loose my daughter easily. I was shocked, but once she told me about the events of the last few days, I did understand the seriousness of my situation. So, my wife contacted her and asked her for help to get to the agencies and shelter. In return, she offered her assistance to take my daughter away from me. Well, my ex came to the rescue and helped her to the shelter and they had a long talk. Without going into details here, I had agreed to transfer the custody of my daughter. Why? I had no choice. This was my only hope to be able to see her, in the future. It was not easy.

My ex told me that my wife recorded everything and she was accusing me with terrible things. Very soon I found out about this, too.

Laci

Ok, a few things. You pointed out that you had no desire to leave your daughter so you could go to your then-fiancee's interview. While I do understand you, it might've looked different from your then-fiancee's perspective.

The two sentences highlighted with purple is to demonstrate that while there might have been a language barrier, the one thing you were amazed about with your wife in the beginning seemed to have diminished. Did you ever discuss moving to her country rather than the US?

I highlighted (bold) a few other things. Even if you did not pay attention to it at that time, you did not forget about it either.

The one thing that bugs me regardless of your situation is when saying someone is arguing over "simple and unimportant" issues. They might seem that way to one part but not the one in the relationship who sees it at an actual issue. I've been here for more than a year and still have issues that my husband views differently - but he never says they're unimportant because he knows me well enough that not having my friends and relatives around puts me in a fragile situation.

When you ask someone to move for you, you're asking alot. I'm not saying you're at fault here, just that there are two sides of the story. And while it is sad that you're stuck with the mess, one weekend of romance won't make up for a daily life with each other's habits there. Factors you couldn't possibly have known about because you did not have a change to live with each other's habits and bad habits(and accept them) before moving on to getting married. I personally think a few steps were missing from the romantic weekend getaway to the marriage no matter how much you skyped to make up for it.

The red flags you mention are basically when things have already gone wrong. Your story however, is when things are going wrong as they happen.

While your wife might've had an agenda all along, you were also caught up in wanting a wife that you didn't see what was going on.

I am glad you're recovering - for your own sake and your daughter's sake.

Edited September 2, 2012 by moomin

[TBoneTX 46,109]

Colombia has many sincere women looking for non-macho love and respect. There are also a LOT of scams. I fortunately escaped one with almost no damage.

The thing is, listen to your gut (per BigDog above), and pay attention to what the prospective partner does (how he/she acts) even more than what he/she says. We can't "want" more from a relationship than the relationship is capable of giving. When our gut and brain say "the foundation for this is dangerously poor," that's the time to bail. Bailing earlier vs. later saves both parties a lot of time.

[Laci 10]

Dear Moomin.

I accept your opinion and I am convinced that you are trying to see both sides of the coin. While I admit my mistakes and I know I have rushed into this marriage, I do feel that I was played. I left out few important details from my story. Let me do it now.

After our DV hearing was over and I was not put in jail, a few weeks later, I received an email from a gentleman. He said that he knew my wife, he knew our story, and he knew about all the court proceedings. You can imagine how surprising this email was to me, and I felt that somebody was playing a dirty game with me. Well, I was wrong. The guy was real. It turned out, after my wife left our house, she immediately contacted several people, including this gentleman. He lives in another state and he had an online relationship with my wife, before and during my relationship with her. They were online for more than a year, but because the guy could not visit her, and marry her, at that time, she cancelled the relationship with him. This guy loved her a lot and did not understand. Meanwhile, I came into the picture and very soon my relationship with my wife became serious. For few more months they were in touch, but when I arrived to spend a vacation with my future wife, they stopped. Well, once my wife become ' free ' again. she contacted him, the next day. She convinced him that she only loved him and she just used me to get here. She told him to move to our city and to live with her together. They guy still loved her, so he moved and relocated to our city. In between, he invited my wife and her daughter to his state for a visit to meet his family. They spent a wonderful week together and they made long term plans. All this while she was still married to me and we were just separated a couple weeks ago. So, everything looked good for them. Although, the guy told my wife that he did not have a job and he was low on money, but my wife encouraged him to move anyway. So he did. It took him few weeks to make all the arrangements, but he was finally here. After the first few days, it became clear to this man that my wife played him, too. The relationship ended within a week and this man soon discovered that my wife was driving home and to work with somebody else. She had new clothes and new things. This was a sad awakening to him and later he learned that the reason my wife damped him was, because he did not have money. Since the guy could not even get a bus driving job here, he was out of luck and a bright future with my wife. A month went by and this man could see my wife having wonderful time with another, new, boyfriend (3rd) and ignoring him completely. This is when he decided to contact me. He wanted to help me, for whatever reason. He gave me a sworn testimony about his relationship with my wife, which I was planning to use at my Annulment trial. As you know, I gave up the idea. But it was good for me to know that my wife has never loved me, so I was completely played. This was not an honest relationship. This was not based on love.

The other point I wish to make that a loving parent would never hurt another parent, as my wife did to me. Her first action after I told her that I wanted to divorce was, not only to create a situation where she could falsely claim some abuse and call the police, but also to contact my daughter's mother and offer her a dirty deal to come after me for the custody of my child. What type of human being would do this to another parent? She knew very well how important my daughter was to me. So, this was her revenge to hurt me, as it was the most painful. No homesickness, missing family feelings, being a stranger feeling, can justify this type of action. She has never spoke to my ex before and she hated her. But this did not stop her to approach her with the intention to destroy me. Is this what you suppose to do, if you decide to separate from your spouse? Is this what you do, when you miss your country, or you felt strong love towards your husband, but the relationship went downhill? I do not think so. No decent human being would do such a thing.

By the way, I am an immigrant myself. I came here with nothing and I did not know the language,I did not know anybody. I was already a grown man. It was not easy. I worked hard, I learned everything I could, I survived. But I have never harmed anyone. I have never used the people around me, or the system to my goals. I always solved my problems alone, without anybody's help. So, I perfectly know the feeling being far away from your family, friends, your homeland. There was also a big difference between my wife and I. When I left my country, I was told not to return for minimum 10 years, unless I want to be shot at the border. Try to compare this to my wife's ' huge ' decision, to relocate here, where she was welcomed, given love, home, future. She could return anytime and she could continue her comfortable life. Believe me, she did have comfortable life in Colombia. I saw it with my own eyes.

Look, I could understand many of her actions, if it was just an older guy and a younger pretty colombian woman. It happens, it happened, and it will happen again. Some guys will go for it and take the risk. They will be destroyed, as well, and played for the money, or for the green card. But mine was a bit different. I did not look for sex, party, fun, when I went to Colombia. I could find that locally. I went there to find a family. If I were there just for a pretty body, why would I choose a woman with a child? Why would I sacrifice everything I had, which was not much, why would I accept to be a stepfather for her daughter? There were plenty women there, without all these special circumstances, if I just wanted to have fun.

Again, I did not do my homework well, in this case. I was desperate to get married, before my daughter becomes a teenager. I was urging a dream to come through, when the basics were not there. I admit my mistakes and I paid for it dearly. But I was also expecting to meet a decent person. A person who would be a decent human being, no matter what happened between us. It is true that not all marriage works out. But there is no reason to be inhuman, unless that person is a sociopath.

Laci

[Moomin 292]

Dear Moomin.

I accept your opinion and I am convinced that you are trying to see both sides of the coin. While I admit my mistakes and I know I have rushed into this marriage, I do feel that I was played. I left out few important details from my story. Let me do it now.

After our DV hearing was over and I was not put in jail, a few weeks later, I received an email from a gentleman. He said that he knew my wife, he knew our story, and he knew about all the court proceedings. You can imagine how surprising this email was to me, and I felt that somebody was playing a dirty game with me. Well, I was wrong. The guy was real. It turned out, after my wife left our house, she immediately contacted several people, including this gentleman. He lives in another state and he had an online relationship with my wife, before and during my relationship with her. They were online for more than a year, but because the guy could not visit her, and marry her, at that time, she cancelled the relationship with him. This guy loved her a lot and did not understand. Meanwhile, I came into the picture and very soon my relationship with my wife became serious. For few more months they were in touch, but when I arrived to spend a vacation with my future wife, they stopped. Well, once my wife become ' free ' again. she contacted him, the next day. She convinced him that she only loved him and she just used me to get here. She told him to move to our city and to live with her together. They guy still loved her, so he moved and relocated to our city. In between, he invited my wife and her daughter to his state for a visit to meet his family. They spent a wonderful week together and they made long term plans. All this while she was still married to me and we were just separated a couple weeks ago. So, everything looked good for them. Although, the guy told my wife that he did not have a job and he was low on money, but my wife encouraged him to move anyway. So he did. It took him few weeks to make all the arrangements, but he was finally here. After the first few days, it became clear to this man that my wife played him, too. The relationship ended within a week and this man soon discovered that my wife was driving home and to work with somebody else. She had new clothes and new things. This was a sad awakening to him and later he learned that the reason my wife damped him was, because he did not have money. Since the guy could not even get a bus driving job here, he was out of luck and a bright future with my wife. A month went by and this man could see my wife having wonderful time with another, new, boyfriend (3rd) and ignoring him completely. This is when he decided to contact me. He wanted to help me, for whatever reason. He gave me a sworn testimony about his relationship with my wife, which I was planning to use at my Annulment trial. As you know, I gave up the idea. But it was good for me to know that my wife has never loved me, so I was completely played. This was not an honest relationship. This was not based on love.

Laci

The bold sentence above, it exists in writing you say? Does the guy have it in writing, ie a saved chatlog or similar? I reckon an immigrant admitting to fraud is for ICE, not just for your annulment trial. However, get a few more experienced VJ members to reply on that before jumping the gun.

I do read everything you write and it's a lousy situation to have been in. However, please don't let one woman ruin it for you and control your life. You can trust others. Scars are only here to remind you that the past was real and prevent one from going through something similar - they're not here to prevent you from trusting again.

[JP and Tee 13]

I never meant to imply that meeting someone online means the relationship is doomed. I actually met my husband online, and we were a "couple" for 3 years before meeting in person. My marriage to him is far better than my first marriage, to a USC I met through more traditional means. Of course it's possible to do what you, I, and some others did and make it work. But I think we are the exception, not the rule.

What I was talking about was people getting caught up in the romance of the thing. Not spending years working on a relationship, but spending only the required time working on a visa. In those cases, I don't think people really get to know each other. They just believe their relationship is special and unique and "love conquers all." Too caught up in the fantasy to pause for a moment and consider the possibility that their long distance partner isn't who they want them to be.

Oh no worries, I get what you mean. I too have experienced sceptic remarks by friends and acquaintances alike when they find out my husband and I met online. But both of us were very clear on what we wanted, because doing so would require major sacrifices on both our parts.

The US is a nice place and all that but so is many parts of the world, and I must be honest and say if it's not because of my husband, I'd probably not move there.

[james&olya 1,121]

I could tell you an equally horrific tale of marriage to an American woman! Women, like men, come in all kinds, everywhere you go. No matter how well you think you know someone there will always be surprises. Just hope that most of them are good surprises! Good luck in your future!

[Laci 10]

Moormin.

I do have a sworn and notarized testimony from him and his willingness to testify under oath at court. But I will be honest with you, I don't want any more stress in my life. I have to let this go. My focus is on my daughter and I. This is the relationship, which will heal me and give me purpose. I don't want to see a courthouse from inside again. As they say: ' Everybody pays for their deeds, some day, everybody. '

All I wanted to do, is to share my story, my mistakes. If I just saved one person from being destroyed as I was, it was worth the effort.

Laci

[Thomas&Cleofe 358]

Moormin.

I do have a sworn and notarized testimony from him and his willingness to testify under oath at court. But I will be honest with you, I don't want any more stress in my life. I have to let this go. My focus is on my daughter and I. This is the relationship, which will heal me and give me purpose. I don't want to see a courthouse from inside again. As they say: ' Everybody pays for their deeds, some day, everybody. '

All I wanted to do, is to share my story, my mistakes. If I just saved one person from being destroyed as I was, it was worth the effort.

Laci

This is a great attitude to have. I applaud you in doing what is best for you and your daughter.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Moormin.

I do have a sworn and notarized testimony from him and his willingness to testify under oath at court. But I will be honest with you, I don't want any more stress in my life. I have to let this go. My focus is on my daughter and I. This is the relationship, which will heal me and give me purpose. I don't want to see a courthouse from inside again. As they say: ' Everybody pays for their deeds, some day, everybody. '

All I wanted to do, is to share my story, my mistakes. If I just saved one person from being destroyed as I was, it was worth the effort.

Laci

I respect the highlighted. Until one has been in the system, especially wrongly, one cannot fathom how depressing it's walls can be.

[JP and Tee 13]

Moormin.

I do have a sworn and notarized testimony from him and his willingness to testify under oath at court. But I will be honest with you, I don't want any more stress in my life. I have to let this go. My focus is on my daughter and I. This is the relationship, which will heal me and give me purpose. I don't want to see a courthouse from inside again. As they say: ' Everybody pays for their deeds, some day, everybody. '

All I wanted to do, is to share my story, my mistakes. If I just saved one person from being destroyed as I was, it was worth the effort.

Laci

Wishing you all the best, Laci. Karma is a b**ch. Whatever your ex did to you, don't worry, she'll get it back.

[Moomin 292]

Am glad you're moving on.

[DandT14 272]

Moormin.

I do have a sworn and notarized testimony from him and his willingness to testify under oath at court. But I will be honest with you, I don't want any more stress in my life. I have to let this go. My focus is on my daughter and I. This is the relationship, which will heal me and give me purpose. I don't want to see a courthouse from inside again. As they say: ' Everybody pays for their deeds, some day, everybody. '

All I wanted to do, is to share my story, my mistakes. If I just saved one person from being destroyed as I was, it was worth the effort.

Laci

I hope you are able to spend a lot of time with your daughter.

Your story should serve as a reminder to all parents to be extra careful about who they bring into their children's lives. It's not just your own happiness you're risking. Thank you for sharing your story.

[james&olya 1,121]

You were a bit vague on what exactly the reason was that led to your losing custody. None of our business I suppose. I hope you call your daughter regularly and very often and never miss an opportunity to see her! I would strongly advise you to begin now keeping a handwritten log of all your attempted contacts with your daughter if you experience ANY interference from her mother. I was in a similar situation with my 'ex-from-hell' when she decided to try and stop me from seeing my children. This handwritten log I kept was invaluable in winning the subsequent court battles! The time with your daughter is precious and can never truly be 'made-up' later!

Edited September 3, 2012 by james&olya