K2 18 YO UK step-son ran off w/17 YO US girl . . . .

[Shari 6]

I just have to say one thing.. the girl might not have known that Daryl was sneaking behind his parents' back about all this.. It seems to me that Daryl is the sneak in all this..

I am not sure at what point the girl did know he was going against his father's wishes, but she did know an hour into her three hour drive. She knew when she got to town and we wouldn't take Daryl to meet her. But she/he still devised a plan to get to within 1/2 mile from our house and pick him up, without us even knowing he had left his room (we live in a one-story house and Daryl has a sliding glass door to the outside).

I do believe the trip was planned a few days in advance because of what we found out on his email, but again, he told us that he "forgot" to tell us he was leaving with her once we asked about how long she was staying in town that day.

No news at all today, Saturday. No calls and no Daryl.

[daisy16 0]

I think a lot of people are reading far too much into this situation. And shari, you and keith are spending far too much energy, effort and emotion on this. Put it this way, if he had his own place and he'd gone to stay with a girl for a week, how worried would you be? Probably not much.

You're pi$$ed cause he's being disrespectful to you both and your feelings. Guess what? He has NO idea what his actions have done to you. All he knows is the feelings of the moment. He's having fun with someone his own age, and female at that. He hasn't had the chance in months. (I don't know about other people, but I have had difficulty adjusting even after 6 months, and I wanted to come here to be with my hubby, your stepson didn't have that kind of emotional choice.)

18 year olds tend to be self centred, focused on the moment and pretty much into self gratification. Parents don't really matter very often. My son was like this as well, as well as kids I worked with as a High school guidance counsellor. (please don't slam me for my generalizations, I've known lovely 18 year olds who are as responsible as can be)

[Peggy 1]

Teenage boys dont think half the time. I have two boys ages 21 & 17. Sometimes they can make me crazy with worry. I am a worry wart thou. I think I will worry about those two sons of mine forever. My youngest is finally adjusted to being here. It took him abit, but he has lots of nice friends here now. My mom asked him the other day when he was coming home. He told her he would be home to VISIT in the summer. That shocked me cause when he first got here it was hell. He hated it and wanted to leave. He wanted to leave for the first 4 months I would say. We have been here for 9 months now.

Shari I hope things work out for you. It must be hard on you watching your husband worry like that. When he gets home, take him to get his SSN. Then if he wants to go back with the girl, I would just let him. At least he would be able to get a job. Then he can start the adjusting here in the US with a job, so he feels good about himself.

Take Care

[MrMrsKnight 0]

I posted my story earlier of my own son who did a similar thing. He felt old enough to defy my rules, when he was about to walk out of my house I told him that if he left he wouldn't be welcome back. He felt 'adult' enough to do that...so he had to be 'adult' enough to take the consequences of his actions....he never was welcome back...if that makes me heartless then so be it. It never stopped me loving him, never stopped me helping him later when it turned to sh!t.....more importantly, it never stopped him loving me either. Lessons need to be learned sometimes.

Well, 3 years ago I moved out from my parents house as I started living with Dave in a apart-hotel. It's obvious my dad was jealous, kinda hurt and thought we should've done things differently. At that time I thought I was doing everything right, and I still don't regret anything I did back then, but Dave and I didn't have a job(I only got a job on Feb-2005)or anything. We only had the money he brought to Brazil when he thought he was only coming to spend a month and some money my dad had given me. But we could always count on our familes to help us if we really needed something because they'd never let us be hungry or not have a place to live(well, just let me say money was always short then... we did have pretty hard times) and they knew how hard it was to get a job.

Paying the hotel started getting too expensive and my grandma offered us her place. That's where we lived for the next 18 (happy) months.

When Dave went back to the US, my parents asked me to move back in with them because they missed me and wanted to spend these last few months, before I get my visa, with me( I was going to anyway..... hehe).

I know now, that I failed a few times. I know somethings could've been different. But the decisions I made back then kept Dave and I together, so I doubt I'd have done anything different if I could go back. Well, I guess I'd have talked to my parents and would've let them know my plans before doing them.

I'm just glad his family doesn't blame me for anything, and my family doesn't blame him for anything either. We all get along really well and none of that is an issue anymore.

I hope that a few years from now you can look back at what you're going throught right now and know it's in the past. Forgive but don't forget..... you'll all learn from it. And maybe tell him he doesn't need to be afraid of telling you anything.... that you'll always do your best to consider what he has to say. That'll make him trust you a lot more so he'll tell you stuff that is going on with him. Good luck!!

Edited February 5, 2006 by MrMrsKnight

[ChristinaM 0]

Another thing to be aware of from the purely practical point of view is that if he does move out - be it with this girl or because he feels that his time is now, don't forget to register it with the USCIS. I know that's probably the furthest thing from your mind right now, but it would be awful to have that blow up in your faces also.

As someone who moved out at 17, back in at 18, out again six months later and then back at 20, sometimes we think we're doing the right thing and it takes the benefit of hindsight to show us that. Darryl is going to do what he is going to do, and your choice now is how you deal with it. If he is no longer welcome in your home, then it would be in your best interests to help him relocate - either to the UK or to somewhere else in the US. Not helping him now has the potential to cause a rift which may go on for years, or even decades. Alternatively, if he is to live under your roof, perhaps you need to sit down as a threesome to discuss what is reasonable for you to expect from him, and draw up some kind of Family Constitution. In my experience, kids tend to abide better by rules which they have helped to set.

(Some ideas about family constitutions are here: http://jas.familyfun.go.com/guestsubmit?ac...4&category_id=)

[MrMrsKnight 0]

If he is no longer welcome in your home, then it would be in your best interests to help him relocate - either to the UK or to somewhere else in the US. Not helping him now has the potential to cause a rift which may go on for years, or even decades. Alternatively, if he is to live under your roof, perhaps you need to sit down as a threesome to discuss what is reasonable for you to expect from him, and draw up some kind of Family Constitution. In my experience, kids tend to abide better by rules which they have helped to set.

I think my early post shows I totally agree with that!!

[Shari 6]

UPDATE: He is still not home. He called yesterday (Sunday) around 1:30. He said they had been to a friend's house all morning and then asked if his dad could come pick him up. Keith said they would have to bring him at least 1/2 way (they should bring him the whole way since they devised this in the first place - ). Anyhow, Keith said we would come halfway and asked when they could leave, but Daryl said they couldn't take him yesterday. Keith told him it was supposed to snow last night up there and he needed to come home yesterday. When Keith implied that he was in trouble, Daryl acted very surprised and then said he would figure something out and call us back - . He never called back. He is stringing us along! I am tired of this! I am tired of not knowing from day-to-day if we will here from him, if he will come home!

[ChristinaM 0]

Oh Shari, I feel for you.

Perhaps the time has come to say that if he is not home by such and such then you will assume that he no longer wishes to live with you and could you please have an address to forward his belongings to. He might realise what a big deal it is then.

I don't have kids, and I question the wisdom of that as a plan. But I don't know what else I would do in your position. I agree that you can't just let him drag you along ad infinitum; the stress of it is not doing you or Keith any good whatsoever.

Hugs, Shari. Although I can't do anything, I've been following this and I really do hope to see it resolved.

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Oh Shari, I feel for you.

Perhaps the time has come to say that if he is not home by such and such then you will assume that he no longer wishes to live with you and could you please have an address to forward his belongings to. He might realise what a big deal it is then.

I don't have kids, and I question the wisdom of that as a plan. But I don't know what else I would do in your position. I agree that you can't just let him drag you along ad infinitum; the stress of it is not doing you or Keith any good whatsoever.

Hugs, Shari. Although I can't do anything, I've been following this and I really do hope to see it resolved.

yes. He's 18. He's a man. Time to start acting like one.

[pedroh 21]

Oh Shari, I feel for you.

Perhaps the time has come to say that if he is not home by such and such then you will assume that he no longer wishes to live with you and could you please have an address to forward his belongings to. He might realise what a big deal it is then.

I don't have kids, and I question the wisdom of that as a plan. But I don't know what else I would do in your position. I agree that you can't just let him drag you along ad infinitum; the stress of it is not doing you or Keith any good whatsoever.

Hugs, Shari. Although I can't do anything, I've been following this and I really do hope to see it resolved.

yes. He's 18. He's a man. Time to start acting like one.

yeah.. i dunno why people refer to 18 year olds as teenagers.. 18 years.. ur a man!! ur not a kid or a 'self-centered teenager' anymore.. so as a man.. he should suffer the consequences of his acts

[rebeccajo 14]

Oh Shari, I feel for you.

Perhaps the time has come to say that if he is not home by such and such then you will assume that he no longer wishes to live with you and could you please have an address to forward his belongings to. He might realise what a big deal it is then.

I don't have kids, and I question the wisdom of that as a plan. But I don't know what else I would do in your position. I agree that you can't just let him drag you along ad infinitum; the stress of it is not doing you or Keith any good whatsoever.

Hugs, Shari. Although I can't do anything, I've been following this and I really do hope to see it resolved.

yes. He's 18. He's a man. Time to start acting like one.

yeah.. i dunno why people refer to 18 year olds as teenagers.. 18 years.. ur a man!! ur not a kid or a 'self-centered teenager' anymore.. so as a man.. he should suffer the consequences of his acts

Correct in theory. Incorrect in fact...at least for most young american males. Including my son.

[Shari 6]

UPDATE: Keith got a call from Daryl around 3:00. Seems they are driving him halfway home today/tonight. They have to wait until the driver's husband comes home to stay with their kids. This is the same driver/friend that took him up there. But they can only bring him halfway. Not sure how far halfway they think is since they don't know anything about driving down here except get on one highway and go. Anyhow, I guess once I get off work I will drive home and pick up Keith and we will go. It's a 3 hour trip all the way, and I bet we have to do about 2 hours of it. Anyhow, should be an interesting ride home. I'm wondering if they will wait on us or drop him off and book on.

Of course it has also been raining here since the middle of the night with flash flood warnings everywhere and creeks and stuff flooding . . . seriously. The weather is horrendous!!!! And they pick today/tonight. Oh well. I will probably not get on for another update until tomorrow morning. Wish us luck! Thanks for all the input/comments (some we liked better than others, and you know who you "others" are - j/k).

Edited February 6, 2006 by Shari

[ChristinaM 0]

Good luck, Shari!!!

[MaryandMian 1]

Have a safe trip tonight Shari. Wishing you all the best on your trip and communications with Daryl.

Mary

[pedroh 21]

Oh Shari, I feel for you.

Perhaps the time has come to say that if he is not home by such and such then you will assume that he no longer wishes to live with you and could you please have an address to forward his belongings to. He might realise what a big deal it is then.

I don't have kids, and I question the wisdom of that as a plan. But I don't know what else I would do in your position. I agree that you can't just let him drag you along ad infinitum; the stress of it is not doing you or Keith any good whatsoever.

Hugs, Shari. Although I can't do anything, I've been following this and I really do hope to see it resolved.

yes. He's 18. He's a man. Time to start acting like one.

yeah.. i dunno why people refer to 18 year olds as teenagers.. 18 years.. ur a man!! ur not a kid or a 'self-centered teenager' anymore.. so as a man.. he should suffer the consequences of his acts

Correct in theory. Incorrect in fact...at least for most young american males. Including my son.

lolzorz... so that's why they treat the kids at highschool as elementary boys??