K2 18 YO UK step-son ran off w/17 YO US girl . . . .

[Shari 6]

UPDATE: Daryl called last night, not until 9:30, still not concerned with anyone except himself. All he said was he was staying at the girlfriend's mom house last night, asked his dad what he had been doing to which Keith answered monotone and w/out emotoin "looking for a job", and then asked Keith if Keith wanted him to call back tomorrow (today) and Keith said okay. Keith again tried to play non-chalant otherwise he would have lost it. Again, Daryl blocked the number he was calling from. I get more po'd as the days go by now.

We ended up figuring out his password on his emails and found a survey type thing kids fill out and it listed her full name and birthdate. Guess what - today is her 18th birthday - I'm sure he's not coming home today!! This is wearing thin on us, especially Keith as he doesn't have a job to go to and forget this stuff - I do. So as he searches for jobs all day long on the internet he is also filled with this drama, worry, wonder, and anger. I am furious with what Daryl is doing to his dad, and me for that.

Oh well, that is the update of the day. I'm sure there will be nothing until tomorrow.

[Fandango 1,439]

Shari, is her phone info/addy there too?

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

When you are young you think you know it all. You only realize you were wrong as you get older. Then you try to pass your knowledge to the younger generation and they could care less.

I joined the Navy at 18 and it was the best thing I ever did.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

When you are young you think you know it all. You only realize you were wrong as you get older. Then you try to pass your knowledge to the younger generation and they could care less.

.....

Word Rich

[Shari 6]

Shari, is her phone info/addy there too?

NOPE.

[sukie175 0]

Oh, I forgot to mention . . . Keith talked to Daryl's mother this morning in England (she had been out of town since Friday and didn't know any of this before). She said she KNEW about it. Daryl had told her last week that he was going with this girl to stay for a week. Funny how he hides it from his dad and me who are supporting him, and funny how he says he "forgot" to tell us 2 hours before she arrived. We are worried, but we are fuming even more now.

Wow Shari - I have just read through this post. Even though I am only a stepmother, I feel for you and Keith so much. As for his mum knowing, that would have made me mad as hell. Personally I'd send him back to the UK, you & Keith are in the early stages of developing a relationship 'together' and I am sure you do not need all this additional stress. I also remember all the stress you had just before Keith got to fly over, you both deserve a peaceful life for awhile.

If he wanted to use his move to the USA to develop a better relationship with his Dad, then I would say let him stay. But as he has no interest in doing this, you can only assume he is there for his own means. I'd meet him at the door with his suitcase and a ticket back to his mum, who he does seem to care about.

I hope this works out for you.

Sarah

Edited February 3, 2006 by sukie175

[Fandango 1,439]

Oh, I forgot to mention . . . Keith talked to Daryl's mother this morning in England (she had been out of town since Friday and didn't know any of this before). She said she KNEW about it. Daryl had told her last week that he was going with this girl to stay for a week. Funny how he hides it from his dad and me who are supporting him, and funny how he says he "forgot" to tell us 2 hours before she arrived. We are worried, but we are fuming even more now.

Wow Shari - I have just read through this post. Even though I am only a stepmother, I feel for you and Keith so much. As for his mum knowing, that would have made me mad as hell. Personally I'd send him back to the UK, you & Keith are in the early stages of developing a relationship 'together' and I am sure you do not need all this additional stress. I also remember all the stress you had just before Keith got to fly over, you both deserve a peaceful life for awhile.

If he wanted to use his move to the USA to develop a better relationship with his Dad, then I would say let him stay. But as he has no interest in doing this, you can only assume he is there for his own means. I'd meet him at the door with his suitcase and a ticket back to his mum, who he does seem to care about.

I hope this works out for you.

Sarah

I disagree completely, Sarah. When you get married to someone, you can't just ignore the negative things in your spouse's life...now I'm not calling Daryl 'negative', but I am saying that his relationship with his father isn't going to get better with rainbows & lollies. Shari and Keith committed to each other 'in good times and bad' and you can't just start cutting things out that are problematic.

There might be a lot of growing pains, but I think the end result with this new family could be something quite spectacular. No, it may not work out that way...but it's worth it to try with everything they've got. The fact that Daryl came here is a great first step, and you can't just cut someone out of your life because they don't do what you want.

[sukie175 0]

Lisa, I respect what you say but the reality is Keith & Daryl have been here for 5 months and Daryl has shown no inclination to make an effort in the relationship with his Dad - and then he causes them this much worry.

If he was a young kid I would feel differently, but he thinks he is an adult and therefore if he wanted to be happy families with Shari & Keith he would be making an effort by now. Instead he is causing them all this stress and worry.

I stand by what I said and I did not say anything about cutting him out. Just send him back, let him realise the error of his ways and see if he wants to build bridges but with some space.

Sarah

Edited February 3, 2006 by sukie175

[perfect 39]

I think the point that is being missed here is that although he is by age "an adult" he is an adolescent who probably has absolutely no idea the grief he is causing. Anyone who has teenage sons of a similar age can probably think of times when something is very obvious to us the parent, who has the benefit of life's experience, and yet the same thing in the perception of our sons brings a very different response. And no amount of reasoning, persuasion or authority can make them see it from our point of view.

yes he's being selfish, yes he's being thoughtless and yes he's making people unhappy, but in his teenage mind his perception will be completely different. When he does come home he will probably wonder what all the fuss was about and wonder why his family weren't happy that he has, albeit in a way they dond't understand or approve of, made some attempts at building a relationship.

I know it's hard not to be angry and frustrated, but one of the most difficult relationships are those within a step-family - bonds can't be forced or assumed, or built any faster than individuals allow. He is still in his period of adjustment, he's had challenges as a youngster prior to that and he's an adolescent whose hormones and moods, and mind-set he can't yet fully control. (There was an interesting article in Time Magazine a few years ago which discussed the adolescent barin which made that very point).

And for those who are suggesting he be sent packing back to the UK I don't believe have a true understanding or what's involved. I agree with the poster who said that when you become married, be it in a step-family or a traditional family, you marry for better for worse, and accept the whole package, not select out the bad things you don't want to contend with and throw them away. Surviving the challenges, overcoming the bad things together helps a marriage and family to grow together. You also would not want to create the potential for Keith to be angry or resentful of you in the future when the anger dies down, that you were the instigator of his son being sent away or harshly treated because he was so difficult to deal with - he is his flesh and blood after all and has made some significant sacrifices to care for him over the years. (I'm not saying that will happen , but I would hate for you to create that possibility)

This young man who has been in turmoil emotionally already, I believe is suffering with feelings of alienation and the threat of sending him back to the UK as though he were inconvenient or not worth the effort will only serve the make him believe that he wasn't wanted and can be thrown away like garbage.

Five months in the life of a teen is not long enough for him to have adjusted and be settled and sorted out all his emotional angst. The fact that he has stayed longer with this girl perhaps is an indicator of the fact that he has found a sense of belonging, a feeling of someone accepting him for who he is without terms and conditions, unconditionally. Not right, but completely understandable if you stand in his shoes.

Shari, my son has been here now for seven months and is still feeling frustrated, alienated, uncommunicative and as though he doesn't really belong. His relationship with me has really suffered because he feels as though my love for my husband has replaced my love for him (not!). He is a teenager - they are not renowned for wanting to communicate or build relationships with parents - that's generally the way they are! My son adores my husband, who is far more laid back than me and from whom I have learned to relax the parental reins appropriately with surprisingly good results, but the whole experience of immigration and the ongoing AOS/EAD, uncertainty of what he can find to do is constantly undermining his ability to settle completely. I get frustrated too because I moved here and didn't have any difficulty adjusting whatsoever, but I have to remember he is not me. I love to spend time with just my husband without having my son around, because even just as a teenager he is a pain sometimes (!), so we make a point every 8-10 weeks of taking ourselves away for a weekend, just the two of us, nowhere fancy but just so we can leave the stress behind us and concentrate on US!

Perhaps you could do the same. This way it would not contribute to Keith's son feeling that everyone is against him by his being shipped back to the UK, but would also give you the time you need as a newly married couple to concentrate on each other instead of family issues. Maybe it would also give his son a sense that you trust him to look after his step-siblings and the house for a couple of days.

You know I have found the old adage to be true, especially in marriage - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Together, working out the challenges and bumps along the way, if you stick with it, be patient and understanding (even when the thing you most want to do is ring the teenager's neck) and you'll grow together as a cohesive and communicative family unit. You know, when you look back on this when the son is about 28 years old you'll probably look back and laugh!

Hang in there!

[Shari 6]

Thanks Sarah, because that is how Keith and I both feel at this point. It's been less than a week since he has been gone and it is consuming me (let alone Keith). I lay in bed at night, think about it, and get heartburn symptoms, I drive to work in the morning and don't even turn the radio on because I try to think of what to do next, how to find out where he is at, what can look up on google to search for him, etc. My kids ask have we heard from him, my mom asks have we heard from him, my sister asks, Daryl's sister calls, etc. This has effected a lot more people that he thought. I almost feel like packing up his room now but won't. I know it's just the anger that is beginning to fume even more. Wish us luck!

[sukie175 0]

Shari, I am pleased you don't think I am heartless at least. Maybe it's because I have a much better take than many of the other posters as to how much stress you guys have already had during your journey.

I wish you all the luck in the world and at the same time that Daryl returns home safe and well. But I for one will totally understand if you do have his room packed ready to send him back to the UK.

Hang in there, he will return eventually and in the meantime you & Keith just look after each other.

Sarah

[rebeccajo 14]

What a mess. I'm beginning to wonder if you might find the services of an investigator to be useful. Do you have any lawyer friends? Lawyers usually know the local process servers and investigators, and you might be surprised that they don't always charge as much as you think. This would be one way to have him 'picked up' without having the authorities involved. I would only take this tactic though if the investigator had a good reputation. We have one in our town who used to be a state trooper - he does everything by the book, breaks no laws.

Daryl may be a legal adult, but as an applicant to adjust status, he may be under under the auspices of the US government at the moment (where are our 'legal expert posters' when we need them).

And what I don't like about this, most of all, is the girl. I doubt she is 'good' for him. She's a sneak. As the mother of a son, I have to say that when I finally laid eyes on her, I'd be asking her if she enjoyed her 18th birthday - because if she pulled that again she might not live to see her 19th. *steams*

Edited February 4, 2006 by rebeccajo

[KarenCee 3]

And what I don't like about this, most of all, is the girl. I doubt she is 'good' for him. She's a sneak. As the mother of a son, I have to say that when I finally laid eyes on her, I'd be asking her if she enjoyed her 18th birthday - because if she pulled that again she might not live to see her 19th. *steams*

I agree with you Rebecca.....this girl sounds like T-R-O-U-B-L-E.....BIG TIME!

[Welshcookie 17]

Shari, I am pleased you don't think I am heartless at least.

Sarah

I posted my story earlier of my own son who did a similar thing. He felt old enough to defy my rules, when he was about to walk out of my house I told him that if he left he wouldn't be welcome back. He felt 'adult' enough to do that...so he had to be 'adult' enough to take the consequences of his actions....he never was welcome back...if that makes me heartless then so be it. It never stopped me loving him, never stopped me helping him later when it turned to sh!t.....more importantly, it never stopped him loving me either. Lessons need to be learned sometimes.

[de_sjiem 0]

And what I don't like about this, most of all, is the girl. I doubt she is 'good' for him. She's a sneak. As the mother of a son, I have to say that when I finally laid eyes on her, I'd be asking her if she enjoyed her 18th birthday - because if she pulled that again she might not live to see her 19th. *steams*

I just have to say one thing.. the girl might not have known that Daryl was sneaking behind his parents' back about all this.. It seems to me that Daryl is the sneak in all this.. We all know nothing about her, and it isn't fair to just assume she is a sneaking no account no good person.. She could be very nice.. yeah she's a "minor" but she is only a year younger than Daryl is.. which is not that bad of an age difference at all... It appears to me that he's lonely, and has found a friend, and only wants to get to know her better... Yes i know he shouldnt have done it in this way, i just dont like ppl saying nasty stuff about someone no one knows anything about... that's all...