K2 18 YO UK step-son ran off w/17 YO US girl . . . .

[daisy16 0]

I'll try to keep this brief, but I'm sure that's wishful thinking. This is my take as a mom of a 22 1/2 year old who gave me a rough few years

First off, look at the turmoil of the non-USC who have chosen to be here with their SOs. Now add that onto the turmoil of being a teenager! The upheaval of moving here can be brutal for him, so you need to cut him some slack. He's been bored, lonely, etc etc. He wanted some fun and excitement Perhaps he wants some space away from parents.

Second, he's a teenager and an adult. THERE AIN'T NOTHING YOU CAN MAKE HIM DO. You have to get your head around that one. He's allowed to drink and vote and drive and have sex. Well, at least in some states. They tend to grow up faster than we can keep up.

What you need to do is calm down, stop worrying and harrassing him, and after he's been home and ready to talk, sit down and talk. You need to plan your points out ahead of time, write it out if it works for you. When you talk, YOU have to be CALM. No anger, that comes from your frustration with him and worry for him. Put the anger away.

You give him CHOICES. He has 2 options - either to live under your roof and with your rules, or he goes back to England. He's an adult and if you mandate that decision, he'll hate you. Let him make his bed and lie in it. Once he has his AOS the choice is he either lives with you or moves out. Where, is NOT YOUR problem. He has to learn the consequences of his actions have real life consequences, not that his parents will step in and punish him. Life will do that for you.

First off, the rules.

Rule #1 - safety. He's an adult and needs to be treated as such, but you expect him to behave as one. That means he has to show you that he's safe. Call if he's going to be late or out all night. Check in every 24 hours. If he's staying away for a few days you need to have a name/phone number. Whatever. you decide what you need to establish this. You DON"T need to know what he's doing, but need to know he's safe.

Rule #2 - standards of living - If he lives here, he either gets a job or goes to school, otherwise, he can't live here. (do him a favour, no matter what, get his SSN ASAP. It will make things easier if he does stay or comes back) Don't tell him what he has to choose, you give him an either or option. If he won't do either of these, he goes back.

Rule #3 - Expect some responsibility by him around the house. This is a discussion/debate. He pays rent (a token $50/week) He cooks dinner once a week, He cleans the bathrooms. Whatever, you negotiate his responsibility around the house. He's not a child, you're treating him like an adult. And doing him a favour for when he does go out on his own, he's got some idea of what he can do on his own.

good luck, I know these kids at this age are not easy. But they do grow older and wiser. My son's a wonderful kid now, I should know, I'm his mom

I forgot to add, the safety thing, it goes along with what chicky suggested - tell him calmly how you feel, that you were worried and hurt and afraid.

Also, punishing him will not change anything or improve it, it will just stir resentment.

Sending him home will be devastating. He may feel "thrown away" if that makes sense. He thinks home will be the same, but it won't be. And he'll miss here and his dad and everything. If he goes home he has to decide it.

okay, I'll shut up now.

Edited January 31, 2006 by daisy16

[pedroh 21]

Fact is he is 18. By law, he is free to do as he pleases. Since he already has his EAD and the AOS paperwork filed and IS an adult under US law, then why the hell don't you just start treating him like an adult? Afterall, he obviously wants to make adult choices. Give him is EAD and make him find a job and start paying his own way.

Threatening to send him back ain't gonna cut the mustard! He came here as a legal rider on your immigration, and is, by law, an adult. Therefore, he has legal right to remain in the US regardless of whether or not you approve of his adult decisions. Unless of course you screw it up by doing something stupid...like canceling his paperwork. Just remember that if you do choose this action, you will essentially be cutting your own throat with this relationship.

As for the girl...she IS his age! Man! How many of you have offered advice on this forum to the countless 18 yo on this site? Or to the 50-somethins marrying the 18s? How about the guy (poster) who is in his 50s asking advice about whether he and his 17yo Philipina should file now or wait to file "until she turns 18 in a few months?" He's obviously met her and certainly she was 16 at that time....but still, the good advice continued to flow with little "question"of appropriateness!

Now, you folks want to question this relationship? VJers are the LAST people on earth that have any room to question or comment on the relationship choices of anyone! To do so is hipocrasy

PWNED!!

[Jaylen Brit 0]

I;m happily UNPWND as I know I put n that thread 'what could a 16 y/o girl and a 44 y/o man possibly have in common' So ner ner na ner ner

Me n Daisy on the same page there with the consequences rap

[Shari 6]

Tuesday morning and no word at all yesterday from Daryl. His dad is so worried and hasn't been able to sleep, but is also angry and disappointed. There is never a good time for anything like this to happen, but Keith is looking for a job now too as he just got his EAD 2 weeks ago. The stress of not having a job, having to find one, not getting any replies, etc., on top of Daryl's escapade is wearing on him.

SJoeFl01 - you said "send him the EAD". First, we don't know where he is. Second, it won't do any good until he gets his SS card. As I stated earlier, his dad tried to get him his SS last week but since they had just received their EADs two days before, he was not in the system yet and was told to come back in 2 weeks. We definitely WANT him to work, so we are not withholding anything for any reason.

Again, one thing you all are not as aware of is Keith and Daryl are NOT close. Keith has tried and tried. I honestly don't know why Daryl wanted to come here. He debated back and forth and even a week before their flight he told his dad he wasn't sure he could leave his friends and his mum, but he made the decisoin on his own. Keith did not push, AT ALL. Darryl paid his way so Keith would not be out any $. I thought once here, spending day in and day out together while awaiting their EAD would help their relationship, but Daryl will not talk. He will only answer "yes" or "no" to questions and then leave the room. He is not sociable. He calls/IM's/emails his friends all the time. He calls his mum all the time and is close to her, but not to his dad. That is another reason sending him back to England is not really a punishment of any sort. He told my daughter he wanted to go back. Maybe he didn't want to admit it on his own but wanted to give his dad a reason to send him back. Keith goes fishing usually once or twice a week since he doesn't have a job yet, and ALWAYS asks Daryl to go. Daryl went fishing with his friends in England and brought his rod over here to fish, but he won't go with his dad . . . maybe once or twice in 4 months when its just the 2 of them, but he WILL go on the weekends if I go along with my kids. I promise Keith has tried, over and over again!!! Daryl just won't let him in. It totally baffles me why Daryl is here. He doesn't want to leave the computer or the Playstation even when his dad offers to take him out during the day to break the monotony of sitting at home.

Oh well, just another tidbit of information. Sorry to bore you guys. Just venting.

[Shari 6]

Just found out the State of Alabama's age of majority is 19, meaning at age 18 kids are minors, so Daryl is a minor (only for 3 more weeks though). We might now have to call the police and find out if anything can be done - if he can be located. All we know is he was going to Pulaski, Tennessee and he called Sunday morning from his girlfriend's friend's cell phone (which is turned off now) to say everything was fine and then hung up without giving his dad a name or number for contact information. Keith is worried and can't think of anything else!!! I feel so bad for him.

Oh, I forgot to mention . . . Keith talked to Daryl's mother this morning in England (she had been out of town since Friday and didn't know any of this before). She said she KNEW about it. Daryl had told her last week that he was going with this girl to stay for a week. Funny how he hides it from his dad and me who are supporting him, and funny how he says he "forgot" to tell us 2 hours before she arrived. We are worried, but we are fuming even more now.

[MaryandMian 1]

Shari I am in Alabama too that is why I said to call the police yesterday. Have you thought of trying to get cell number checked for towers or area it is coming from in Tennessee? I keep checking for updates and hoping all the best for all of you.

Mary

[gabby4ever 1]

[quote So, after a couple of days, when he calls you and says "Hey, um... dad... uh... shari....uh... things aren't really working up here.... can I come home?" You can go ahead and say yes.

The important thing though is not to say "We told you so!" but to encourage him that if he wants to meet girls and have fun with friends, etc., it's going to take hard work, and even a little ambition on his part. Help him through that. But, like he's doing: "He's 18 now...... so maybe he can deal with it himself!"

thats one of the worst advice ive ever seen....im sorry...my sister in law who is 18 was caught in a big lie the other day and when her mom found out do you know what she told her ?? "you're a b!tch" why??????? because she's not more strict with her...she gives her EVERYTHING and the kid is a rebel....

you cannot encourage a problem child like that...you need to be more strict otherwise the kid will step on you and not feel sorry about a damn thing

ive never lied to my parents and they always let me do whatever i wanted because i earned their trust and respect.

if he comes back home give him a goooooood spankin'...he sure deserves it ...thats what kids miss here the most

[Kez/JWolf 6]

I would like to see that..... someone spanking a almost 19 years old.....

I am sure you would find yourself in court for assault if you did...

Kezzie

[Shari 6]

Mary - Keith wants to wait one more day before talking to the police in case Daryl calls today. The thing with the cell number is I don't know who the carrier is. It is not Daryl's phone - he doesn't have one. He called from the girfriend's friend's phone (which is not turned on now and no voicemail comes on). With only me working they don't have a cell yet but will one they gets jobs and we can afford it.

[gabby4ever 1]

yeah, thats another problem here....YOUR child can take you to court and tell the judge you abused him when you were only tryin to "talk" some senses into him....

yeah you cant really spank him at this age but you cant also let him step on you and lie to you all the time....maybe he would be better off in england with his mom and his friends ...

best of luck to you shari and a big hug

[Peggy 1]

Yup, I live in Alabama too.

I would call the cops too to find him. I said that yesterday too.

Doesnt matter if he gets along with his dad or not. What he is doing to both of you is not right. Making you worry where he is at, and if he's ok..Lets remember this young man is not from the USA.

Well in the state of ALabama. You are allowd to spank your kid. Not saying you can spank a 18 year old. But kids here all the time are spanked and nothing is done about. My stepson got a spanken from his mom's boyfriend and we called the police on him, becasue he left marks on him. The cops told us that you are allowd to spank your child. I was like #######. He said most kids deserve to get there butts whooped. He told me he spanks his little girl. I told the cop that isnt something to be proud off.

Anyways, I hope you hear from him soon SHari.

[zyggy 9]

My questions are:

1. If he goes back but wants to come back to England, how long can he be gone on AP?

2. If he goes back but wants to come back but misses his AOS appointment can he reschedule that or if he doesn't show up does he give up that right to get an AOS?

3. What if he gets back to town and refuses to go back to England? Can we make him in any way? Cancel his paperwork?

4. What if he doesn't come back to town period. How can we get him back here? He is 18, of age in the U.S. I wouldn't think he would stay up there though as I said he has no $ or job, but if he knows his father is sending him back to England and he doesn't want to go (because of the gir) he might try to stay up there.

1. He needs to be back before the AP expires...

2. If he doesn't show up to his AOS appointment (which will be at the same time as yours), his AOS will be denied.

3. His I-485 is his... not yours... I'm afraid you have no recourse to cancel the I-485.

I just wanted to add that if he is on an Advanced Parole document, then he actually needs to be back within 6 months, any longer than 6 months will result in his AOS getting denied due to abandonment. If he gets his greencard, then he can apply for something called a reentry permit, which he can leave the country for up to 2 years without his status being revoked (yes, they can actually take away the greencard, personally i believe its all a ploy to get you to pay more money!!)

Also, if you were to recieve an interview date for your step son and he is still MIA, you could send them a letter asking them to reschedule the date with a brief explaination stating that your step son is "out of town" and they should be able to reschedule it for you, however, that can take another three months, depending on the local office..

Now, if you wanted him to have to go back to England, then purposely have him miss his interview with no explaination, then his AOS will be denied, and he will no longer have any kind of status in the US, and he will ultimately be considered 'removable' and will be forcebly returned to the UK, that is if they can find him.......

That's actually not a true statement.. While there are concerns about abandonment.. in this case he has parents that are still there and a place that he can still go back to. I think proving abandonment would be relatively difficult in this case. Abandonment has nothing to do with time out of the US and everything to do with whether there is evidence that one has cut their ties to the US. You could have abandoned the US even if you were gone a month. In addition, a re-entry permit is only if one already has a GC and only if one will be outside of the US for more than a year, but less than 2 years.

In addition, since the individual is over 18, the case is his case... only the person in question can make a request to change an appointment date... his parent cannot do it for him...

Edited January 31, 2006 by zyggy

[Mand 1]

Shari,

Please don't wait another day to call the police, because you have been through enough already. Take Mary's and pink_roses advice and call them...you need that peace of mind that something is being done.

He's being totally selfish doing this to you both, and also childish...informing his mother yet not telling you guys, the people he lives with. It's not right. I really feel for you and I think if I was in your situation, I would also be fuming by now, aswell as worried as to his welfare.

Listen to the other girls and call the police

[Fandango 1,439]

You know, I would be hellaciously pissed if I were you, Shari...so don't think that I don't understand.

But I have to agree with giving some consideration to the fact that he's moved here, it's all new, etc...and add that to the angst of a normal teenager plus a not so open relationship with his father, and well, you've got yourself a powder keg.

I think there are places online where you can track the cellphone number to find out what provider it is. Not sure what that information would do, tho. Have you checked his computer? Perhaps the chats are logged & you could get some information yourself? Do you know her screen name or what program he uses to talk to her? Does his mother have any more information...and is he possibly calling her (or her calling him) where he's at now?

It was also pretty crappy of the mother to not give you guys a courtesy call...and if he stays here, you should demand that the three of you keep the lines of communication well & truly open.

But, calling the cops is a bit rash, even if you give it another day. yes, it was an incredibly stupid thing to do...but he's 18 not 14. Regardless of what the technicality is as far as the age of majority...I think we can all agree that he is an adult...a stupid-decision making one, but one nonetheless. Calling the cops (imo) would alienate this kid to the point where he just might storm off & your husband's relationship with him will be worse than ever. As you said, they are not that close, and you don't know why he's here...perhaps it was an effort on his part to get closer with his father...and even tho he shuts himself off...perhaps the very fact that he's here means he wants something deeper with him, and with you as well.

Maybe some family counseling wouldn't go amiss...even if he eventually goes back to England. There's nothing to lose, really.

Hope it all works out for the best. God bless!

Edited January 31, 2006 by LisaD

[perfect 39]

Shari & Keith

I know this is really hard for you (and I have PM'd you back some information which I hope you will find helpful and insightful).

Knowing how bad my own son felt when he moved here, which I never would have anticipated, I can understand both your frustrations and concerns, but also the young man's behavior or perhaps the feelings that result in this kind of behavior.

I think you have to separate the "person" from the actions and try to realise that he is not a bad person but what he has done is thoughtless and make sure that when you do see him, that point is made. He is quite possibly suffering from a state of reactive depression, which means that his behavior is not going to be rational anyway, but in one sense that's a normal reaction to everything he has been through (not just in moving here but his family situation from being quite young).

I believe that his moving to be here with his Dad is because his Dad has been the only constant reliable thing in his life, and although it sounds as though he was very mixed up about coming here, (which my son was even though he had nothing and no-one back home apart from his school friends to make him feel that way) he perhaps wanted to hang onto that sense of security his Dad has given him, rather than staying behind with no guarantees of positive and lasting relationships.

Remember too that even though his father is his only sense of constant stability, he is now having to adjust to sharing him with not only you but with his step-siblings too and probably is suffering feelings of rejection and negativity as to where or even if he fits intom your plans. The one thing I would say not to do is ever speak of sending him back to the UK, as this will only confirm to him that his feelings of being rejected are valid and contribute to his feelings of worthlessness and failure.

I fell into the trap of saying this to my son and also reminded him that he had another parent with whom he could live (albeit a psychopath) and that was absolutely devastating and again only served to reinforce his feelings that now I have my husband, we have each other, he came over here with no-one, and he is unimportant and expendable so why should he bother with anything. He felt as though his life were over.

I know this is a horrendous situation, but please be very careful not to react but to respond whenever he does reappear, and if you are thinking of calling the Police please make sure he knows it was done with the intention of beign reassured about his safety and not to get him into trouble as that will only alienate him more.

Perhaps it would be helpful for him to talk with a professional or to other kids who have made such a move to help him see that he is not abnormal in how he feels or what his reactions to those feelings are. He probably feels such a failure just now that he is perhaps even afraid of what your reactions will be when he does come home and feels that he is in a loose-loose situation whereby whatever he does, he is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

My step-son went round telling everyone he absolutely hated me and would do anything and everything within his power to make sure he ruined my relationship with my husband. I continued to treat him exactly the way I do my own son, talking to him in a way that registers and reaches past his feelings and reactions to his own past experiences with his birth mother and now we have a very good relationship whereby he will come to me to talk over how he feels rather than his own father...so if you can weather this storm, be patient and forgiving, and separate the person from the behavior, I believe that in the future you guys will be the settled, united family you deserve to be. Don't expect it to hapopen overnight though...!

Best wishes.

Edited January 31, 2006 by perfect