K2 18 YO UK step-son ran off w/17 YO US girl . . . .

[Shari 6]

I hope he comes home soon.. and when he does I would act like he just went down the road to the shop and came back... I would not give him the satisfaction of getting angry or upset because at the end of the day he is doing what all young adults do... spreading their wings and do stupid stuff along the way..

Kezzie

So when he comes back are you saying because he is 18 we are just to ignore it with no consequences for his actions? No consequences for defying his father, worrying us, etc. I'm not saying we are sending him back to England. I think that was a spur of the moment comment Keith made to Daryl on the phone. Besides the obvious of talking to him, what would you do? Any of you reading this? Would you "punish" an 18-year-old for this? How? Keith and I have discussed a few things pertaining to this matter.

[perfect 39]

No I wouldn't "punish him as such, much as part of me would want to! I've learned from experience that just alienates them more. There should be consequences but not ones which will be perceived as "punishment.

I read your comments and could relate to them in great parat, both as a parent of a teen and as someone who has worked in the field of child & adolescent psychology.

I really feel for you. My son came over here 7 months ago on K2 and whilst he adores my husband (USC) has found it much more difficult to settle than any of us expected. He says he feels as though he has lost his identity, especially with not being able to work or go to college or learn to drive until he has his SSN, which is linked to getting his EAD approved, which he doesn;t have yet.

I found that the "nice", reasonable teen I once had became very unreasonable, argumentative and prone to reacting in ways I had never seen or expected from him before. We have spoken about how he feels many times and I am also very concerned because he has been using the internet to make friends. We have banned certain web sites from his computer because we felt they were inherently unsafe or "bad" but we did let him use his own judgement in certain things and on his own learned that people are not always what they purport to be, so he did learn his lesson and we resisted the temptation to say "I told you so", or "If you'd only listed to us"....

One night he was so "depressed" about how he was feeling he took off in the middle of the night, not telling any of us where he was going or how long he was going to be. We had been a single parent family for 14 years prior to moving here so my first instinct was to go after him and lecture him about worrying us and house rules etc. etc. However, my husband who is the voice of reason (who himself has a son who has been utterly rebellious since the age of 16 and who was asked to leave the family home) advised me to let him have his space to figure out where he is, who he is and why he feels the way he does. Let him make decisions and let him learn from them. That has been the hardest thing for me to do because I obviously want to protect him from his own inexperience and stupidity.

However, as long as he knows we are there for him, in a non-judgmental, supportive manner, I believe that he will work many of his issues out on his own, even though he will I am sure make some errors of judgement. I don't for one moment feel as though my son will stay here permanently either, because at the moment, much as he loves my husband, he doesn't really know if he wants to be a part of our family in the role that he is just now. We have said to him that while he is staying in our house he abides by our rules, but if he wants to be rebellious and not co-operate we have told him that he can be asked to leave when he is 17. He wants to make decisions like an adult he will be treated like an adult, although we will always be here for him to talk things over with and gain support from.

I wonder whether your step-son is feeling some of the same. Perhaps not really knowing where he fits into his new family role, feeling like he has given up everything because of his parent's decision to remarry, not feeling like a whole person because there are so many restrictions just because of immigration, let alone anything else.

I can fully understand your concern as a parent, but at this point I would say don't be too hard on him. Let him come back in 3-4 days time, talk things over with him in a calm and interested manner. I believe he is acting out because of how he is feeling and his friendship with this girl is perhaps just contributing to his feeling validated and having some kind of identity as a person. Perhaps he even sees her "love" as being unconditional in a way that his own family's isn't because she doesn't make demands from him (yet!)

Sadly our teens will make decision that we don't understand and certainly don't support, but I guess that's a natural part of growing up. Don't be too quick to tell him that he can go back to the UK though, as this may add to his feelings of negativity and resentment. When I spoke with my son about this quite soon after he arrived here and was acting up, he really thought I wanted that to happen because his perception was that my love for him has changed to be second best now that I have my husband and I never really wanted him here in the first place (!!!) It's the old teen thing of I want some attention even if its negative attention, or perhaps he is so afraid of failure in the family unit that he is sub-consciously creating the situaiton whereby he can say he was rejected by the family as his way of legitimising his own feelings. I know that sounds weird but in psychology it's the kind of reasoning that creates the "I will reject before I can be rejected" kind of reasoning.

I'm sure most of this is teen angst and you will be able to work things out once he's had his taste of freedom and realized that there's no place like home.

THe most important thing is love and to keep the lines of communication open without instantly putting up demands, restriction, punishment or things that could be perceived as those.

PM me anytime if you want to talk...

Edited January 30, 2006 by perfect

[Kez/JWolf 6]

when I was in the same situation with my son (he went missing for 6 days after he was told he could not go to an all night party... but went anyway) I waited 3 days after his return and asked him to sit down and write a list of rules that he thought he could keep to... we then sat together and went through them one by one some we removed some we added... in the end we had house rules which my son did stick to (well there was the odd occation but that another story)... Its hard I know but you will both be better people from all of this...

((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Kezzie

[ChristinaM 0]

Perfect, that was a wise post. I'm not sure if I agree with all of it, but I certainly see where it's coming from.

I'm not a parent myself, and I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal with something like this. However, as someone who was a hideous older teen, I always knew that my parents would be there and I think there's something to be said for the whole "let him come back with his tail between his legs" thing, as long as you make it known to him that he can come home anytime he likes and yes there will be repercussions, but they may be less serious than those of staying away.

Good luck Shari.

[Shari 6]

Perfect - you said "There should be consequences but not ones which will be perceived as 'punishment'." What consequences do you think he should have?

Kezzie and Clmarsh - thanks for your comments.

P.S. I just send you a PM also.

[Chicky 0]

I'm young and a parent and remember being young and doing this same thing. I was 17 and met Ben online, I lied to my mom and grandma and told them I was going to stay with my friend Lettie who lived in another town I used to live in. Instead I went to meet Ben 8 hours away, granted in the same state. I did it another time too with someone who lived about 3 hours away but with Ben I went for over a week, the other person for only 2 days. My family found out about me going to see Ben and they were pissed and yelled at me but eventually they decided, you know what you are almost 18, I had been working a while helping pay bills and while they were still pissed at me and upset I abused their trust (this was the worst thing I ever did as a teen, I was good) they figured I already acted adult enough why not let me make my stupid decisons and learn from them on my own. I was 17 when I left and while I was there I had my 18th birthday

My family did what the people you are admonishing for being stupid did and I turned out just fine. If he was 14-15 thats a different story but he is 18. I also think shipping him back to another country and just washing your hands of him is unbelievable. Its like, you are too much to deal with, I can't deal with it, go away. Even if he is happier there I'd let that be his choice and not like I said wash your hands of him. I'd never do that to my child, ever.

I can understand being worried about him, and how he is scaring you, I can see being pissed at him and can agree with those sentiments. But how can people learn to be an adult without you letting them? I agree when he is living with you there should be rules also, I'll have the same in my house when my son grows up. I just think people learn better from experiences they have whether than the ones you prevent them from having. I appreciate my family letting me learn the consequences of my actions myself, whether than telling me what was up, and what was down. It made me more well rounded, and able to see the whole picture, and judge for myself what the pros and cons are. I'll always thank them for that.

My suggestion is when he comes back, tell him how you feel, not lecture him, but tell him adult to "adult" what he did and how it made you feel, why you feel the way that you do, maybe ask him to tell you how he would feel if someone he loves just ran off with someone they didn't know and they didn't know what was going on. Have and adult convo with him, bring him up to your level, talk to him like he is an adult, not a child, I'm sure he'll appreciate it and maybe see why you felt that way, and appreciate you guys not yelling and screaming at him, which will only in his mind validate doing what he did. Just my two cents which I'm sure most will disagree with but it worked with me.

[m_and_m20 0]

My questions are:

1. If he goes back but wants to come back to England, how long can he be gone on AP?

2. If he goes back but wants to come back but misses his AOS appointment can he reschedule that or if he doesn't show up does he give up that right to get an AOS?

3. What if he gets back to town and refuses to go back to England? Can we make him in any way? Cancel his paperwork?

4. What if he doesn't come back to town period. How can we get him back here? He is 18, of age in the U.S. I wouldn't think he would stay up there though as I said he has no $ or job, but if he knows his father is sending him back to England and he doesn't want to go (because of the gir) he might try to stay up there.

1. He needs to be back before the AP expires...

2. If he doesn't show up to his AOS appointment (which will be at the same time as yours), his AOS will be denied.

3. His I-485 is his... not yours... I'm afraid you have no recourse to cancel the I-485.

I just wanted to add that if he is on an Advanced Parole document, then he actually needs to be back within 6 months, any longer than 6 months will result in his AOS getting denied due to abandonment. If he gets his greencard, then he can apply for something called a reentry permit, which he can leave the country for up to 2 years without his status being revoked (yes, they can actually take away the greencard, personally i believe its all a ploy to get you to pay more money!!)

Also, if you were to recieve an interview date for your step son and he is still MIA, you could send them a letter asking them to reschedule the date with a brief explaination stating that your step son is "out of town" and they should be able to reschedule it for you, however, that can take another three months, depending on the local office..

Now, if you wanted him to have to go back to England, then purposely have him miss his interview with no explaination, then his AOS will be denied, and he will no longer have any kind of status in the US, and he will ultimately be considered 'removable' and will be forcebly returned to the UK, that is if they can find him.......

[Chicky 0]

Doesn't AP only apply to leaving the country? I think so, not travelling to a different state........

[m_and_m20 0]

Doesn't AP only apply to leaving the country? I think so, not travelling to a different state........

Yeah, Shari's original question had to deal with her stepson going back to England, not the fact that he went to a different state.

[Chicky 0]

Oh okay, I got lost there, must have missed that LOL

[Jaylen Brit 0]

jeeez, you must be going off your nut with worry - not sure whether, when he does come back, you're gonna hug him or shoot him first.

I agree that he lives under your roof then he lives by your rules - you're not running a hotel and the LEAST he owes you is consideration in telling you where the hell he's got to.

As for punishments..there's not much you can do (unless he responds to the no computer, no tv, and extra yard work deal), except tell him - you live by these rules or you leave. He's an adult - however shy he is - but he HAS to respect you and YOUR ground rules. If he feels he acan't do that then he needs to find some place else to live - Im not saying kick him out, by all means you should do it with love and help and not anger but in the 'real world' people have to accept consequences for their actions.

he IS your step-son, and Im sure you love him but the bottom line is he lied, he snuck out, used decipt may have put himself at risk in a strange place, and is causing untold worry for people who care about him most.

Thats just not on.

*hugs to Shari and go get a steady drink of choice*

Gah..kids..lol

[Daisy 0]

No matter their age and they wanting to bop us for saying so... they are still our "children" and always will be.

I am so sorry to read of all the concern and worry you are going through. I hope your son comes to his senses and returns home safe and sound very soon.

Sending you a huge {{{{{HUG}}}}}

with very best wishes,

daisy (mom to 3, nana to 4!)

[sjoefl01 1]

There really isn't much you can do about tall of this. Really the onbly responsibility you took for him is in the public charge area. My guess is they wont be cutting him food stamps or welfare checks with no green card.

I think I feel a little differently about this then most of the people I have read here.

The kid is 18 years old. He is trying to spread his wings and I don't think you guys are ready for it just yet. He will make many mistakes in his life and hopefully he will learn from each one of them. I would not let this stupid thing that he has done turn into a family ending ordeal. Tell him about your concerns with regard to pregnancy and send him the EAD. Who knows? He may make you proud one day.

I am really sure that if you back off and let him screw this thing up he will come back a much more mature young man.

Yes I do have kids and I love them very much. Please don't wish sterility on me!!!

[kenk3z 0]

When he comes back, after being in Tennessee, he's going to appreciate that not all Americans and all of America are rich. You should drive him through some of the richest neighborhoods in Birmingham, and ask him, what do you want your life to be like?

I'll bet if you can control the anger when he returns, you might get some interesting stories.

Tell him he's going to turn out just like what he saw in Tennessee if he doesn't get himself together and work for a better life. Have him smile in the mirror and tell him that if he goes the Tennessee route, most of those teeth will be gone by age 35. He will have seen that for himself.

kenk3z

[sjoefl01 1]

Tennessee is a beautiful state. Many people from Florida go there for vacations. There is no state that is immune to poverty.

When he comes back, after being in Tennessee, he's going to appreciate that not all Americans and all of America are rich. You should drive him through some of the richest neighborhoods in Birmingham, and ask him, what do you want your life to be like?

I'll bet if you can control the anger when he returns, you might get some interesting stories.

Tell him he's going to turn out just like what he saw in Tennessee if he doesn't get himself together and work for a better life. Have him smile in the mirror and tell him that if he goes the Tennessee route, most of those teeth will be gone by age 35. He will have seen that for himself.

kenk3z