K2 18 YO UK step-son ran off w/17 YO US girl . . . .

[Nooner 0]

Fact is he is 18. By law, he is free to do as he pleases. Since he already has his EAD and the AOS paperwork filed and IS an adult under US law, then why the hell don't you just start treating him like an adult? Afterall, he obviously wants to make adult choices. Give him is EAD and make him find a job and start paying his own way.

Threatening to send him back ain't gonna cut the mustard! He came here as a legal rider on your immigration, and is, by law, an adult. Therefore, he has legal right to remain in the US regardless of whether or not you approve of his adult decisions. Unless of course you screw it up by doing something stupid...like canceling his paperwork. Just remember that if you do choose this action, you will essentially be cutting your own throat with this relationship.

As for the girl...she IS his age! Man! How many of you have offered advice on this forum to the countless 18 yo on this site? Or to the 50-somethins marrying the 18s? How about the guy (poster) who is in his 50s asking advice about whether he and his 17yo Philipina should file now or wait to file "until she turns 18 in a few months?" He's obviously met her and certainly she was 16 at that time....but still, the good advice continued to flow with little "question"of appropriateness!

Now, you folks want to question this relationship? VJers are the LAST people on earth that have any room to question or comment on the relationship choices of anyone! To do so is hipocrasy

[slim 1,514]

Dare I say that he might not understand how the States work just yet. In England you can't run off more than a few hours in any direction. Here, you can be a WORLD away, and still in the US. (He will figure that out soon!)

He might need a few more episodes of Springer to figure out how smalltown girls are with guys they just met, and if he's stuck in Deliverance with nothing to do but watch TV, he WILL be catching some Jer-RY, Jer-RY!

I think you're (slightly) overreacting here. If he hasn't had too many girlfriends, he'll probably still be so happy she "likes" him that he won't do too much else. And after a few days of living with a girl (and her friend) he might decide that he's not ready for that either. I would say that if you guys just give him a couple of days, he's going to start feeling guilty about it and call you up with that weak and quiet little (tail-between-the-legs) voice "Can I come home?.... and oh... Will you come get me?"

Patience. Don't worry. You're concerned because this just happened. In a few months, you'll probably all have a good laugh about it.

[Shari 6]

Luciene&Michael - yes, he is 18, but he lives in our house and needs to abide by our rules. If he had a girlfriend in town it would NOT be a problem. But he lied, defied, and snuck out to another state where we have no contact names or number for emegency purposes whatsoever. He has no identification on him other than his UK driver's license. He has only "known" this girl for 3 weeks and has NEVER met her. We would have gladly driven him halfway to meet her and hang out all day long, but instead he hid plans to go back with her for 4-5 days. He is NOT acting "adult".

He told my daughter he doesn't care if he goes back home. He is so bored here and he and his dad are not close so I'm really not sure why he wanted to come in the first place. He told my daughter he doesn't plan on staying here permanently, just permanently enough to get his AOS I guess. We will deal with that when he comes back.

We do have his work permit, but he can't work yet because he doesn't have his SS card yet. His dad took him last Monday, but SS told him because they had just gotten their EAD cards 2 days prior, he was not in the system and probably wouldn't be for a couple of weeks. So he will have to go back, get SS, wait for SS, and then look for job (probably a month away).

Slim - I might be overreacting, but I just needed my fellow VJer's advice and I'm getting it, so thanks, really. I need to hear all sides, but again, it was sneaky on their part.

[Welshcookie 17]

Shari....

I can understand somewhat what you are going thro'....A similar thing happened with my son a couple of years ago...although obviously without the immigration worries you have....He met a girl online and she travelled all the way from Newcastle to Cambridge on a bus (4+ hr drive) to meet him without my knowledge but full permission from her parents....she was 14 years old ....I was so pissed at her parents that I got their number and rang them when she turned up at the door.....they were like "oh yeh...it's fine, we have given her some cash, just send her back when you have had enough of her" Whatever they were thinking of by letting their 14 yr old girl go meet someone who they knew nothing about is beyond me!!

Unfortuantly some months later he did just what your stepson has done....packed a bag and left the house....I didn't see or hear from him for a year...although he did contact my parents a few times....he was just 16. I found out later that he was living with this girl and her parents. He did return when it all fell apart of course.

Kids don't stop being your kids just because they turn 18....I will always be concerned for the safety of my kids regardless of age....

I hope he does return from his 'adventure' soo Shari....and all the best in dealing with this...

[Mand 1]

Thanks for your wisdom Kajikit. Ok, to be perfectly blunt here is by biggest concern: Daryl has not had any other girlfriends but maybe one in England. He is shy. He is naive possibly. What is she wants out of her family life so bad she intentially gets pregnant or something so he will "rescue" her and take her back with him one day? She lives 3 hours away. He has no job and no car. She might think when he gets back to Birmingham she won't see him again or for a long time because of those factors and she might not like that. I hope I am wrong. I hope they are having fun together (*safely*), and she is a good person. Its just too that he tried to be so sneaky about it, like it wasn't planned. Running off to another state when he has only been in the U.S. since September is not a good decision.

I can't imagine what ye are going through and REALLY hope that neither of them does anything silly. I sometimes dread the prospects of having children (the teenage years especially) and do not know how my Mother..or any Mother...stays sane.

Does he want to return to England, and this is a way of doing it, without having to take responsibility for the decision? I dunno, it was just a thought that came to mind. At this stage of his life he's in the bridge between being a teenager and an adult. Their actions vary from mature to irresponsible as they struggle to deal with who they are. And then factor in moving to another country, which can be tough enough for the non-USC spouse.

I really hope the situation will be resolved for you all there Shari

[Shari 6]

Welshcookie - WOW! You must have gone through hell during that year. I hope things between you two are better now.

Mand - As I just posted, I'm not sure why Daryl decided to come here. He knew we didn't live within walking distance to anywhere, knew we didn't have buses available, knew he didn't have a car, and knew he couldn't get a job for at least 90 days. He sits in his room, watches t.v., listens to the stereo, gets on the computer, and calls friends and his mom. He and his dad don't even talk, not any fault of his dad though. He has always been a "momma's boy" Keith says. He is to introverted. Even in England he didn't have a job, would sleep until noon, go out with his unemployed friends till 9 or 10 at night, come home, eat a sandwich, watch t.v., and go to bed to do the same thing the next day. I think he wants to go back home but doesn't want to let others see it (his dad, me, and my 3 kids that he gets along with great with, though only 1 is his age).

Oh well. We will see what happens when he comes back. I love reading everyone's comments, whether you side with me or not. It's therapeutic.

[Kajikit 65]

I hope she's not taking him for a ride... but again, if she is there isn't really anything that you can do about it. At 18, even if you filed a missings persons report on him and said he ran away from home, the police wouldn't do anything about it because he left of his own free will. About the only way to find him would be to drive to this town and ride around blindly hoping to see him, and I really don't think that would work... even if you DID happen to run into him I am pretty sure that it would backfire because he is asserting his newfound adulthood and nobody who's 18 wants to be treated like a naughty six-year-old.

If she IS taking advantage of him, presumably sooner or later he'll realise it and get out of the situation, and the best you can do is to be ready to take him back... and maybe just maybe he's actually found the love of his life and they'll be happy together. I'm sure we'll all join you in praying that this particular piece of growing up isn't too painful a lesson for him and that he actually DOES learn something from it.

[Nooner 0]

Luciene&Michael - yes, he is 18, but he lives in our house and needs to abide by our rules. If he had a girlfriend in town it would NOT be a problem. But he lied, defied, and snuck out to another state where we have no contact names or number for emegency purposes whatsoever. He has no identification on him other than his UK driver's license. He has only "known" this girl for 3 weeks and has NEVER met her. We would have gladly driven him halfway to meet her and hang out all day long, but instead he hid plans to go back with her for 4-5 days. He is NOT acting "adult".

He told my daughter he doesn't care if he goes back home. He is so bored here and he and his dad are not close so I'm really not sure why he wanted to come in the first place. He told my daughter he doesn't plan on staying here permanently, just permanently enough to get his AOS I guess. We will deal with that when he comes back.

We do have his work permit, but he can't work yet because he doesn't have his SS card yet. His dad took him last Monday, but SS told him because they had just gotten their EAD cards 2 days prior, he was not in the system and probably wouldn't be for a couple of weeks. So he will have to go back, get SS, wait for SS, and then look for job (probably a month away).

Slim - I might be overreacting, but I just needed my fellow VJer's advice and I'm getting it, so thanks, really. I need to hear all sides, but again, it was sneaky on their part.

Certainly! He's living under your roof with your rules...AND he wants to act like an adult. So, treat him like one! Show the boy the harsh realities of adulthood...make him get a job and pay his own way: make him pay "rent" for that room in your house. Make him contribute to food cost. Make him be responsible at a reduced cost in ÿour house or let him find a place of his own. If he isn't up for that, then give hime the rules for living free. Give the boy options, and let HIM make the fateful decisions!

[zyggy 9]

My questions are:

1. If he goes back but wants to come back to England, how long can he be gone on AP?

2. If he goes back but wants to come back but misses his AOS appointment can he reschedule that or if he doesn't show up does he give up that right to get an AOS?

3. What if he gets back to town and refuses to go back to England? Can we make him in any way? Cancel his paperwork?

4. What if he doesn't come back to town period. How can we get him back here? He is 18, of age in the U.S. I wouldn't think he would stay up there though as I said he has no $ or job, but if he knows his father is sending him back to England and he doesn't want to go (because of the gir) he might try to stay up there.

1. He needs to be back before the AP expires...

2. If he doesn't show up to his AOS appointment (which will be at the same time as yours), his AOS will be denied.

3. His I-485 is his... not yours... I'm afraid you have no recourse to cancel the I-485.

[Peggy 1]

I feel bad for you Shari.

My son is 17 now, he came here on K-2 also. If he took off like Keith's son just did, and me not knowing where he was. I would be OUT OF MY MIND WITH WORRY . I would have the cops out lookin for Jonathan, becasue he is still a minor till he is 18.

The people that are saying just let him grow up. Come on now, give you head a shake. For one thing the young man is not from around here. He only has Shari and Keith and his step sisters. He knows noone but that girl he just met. Shari & Keith dont know what kind of people he is around. They might be all nuts in the head.

I hope you hear from him soon. So you can at least get a number where is he staying. That would be making me crazy with worry.

[Shari 6]

From Lucienne&Michael: "Certainly! He's living under your roof with your rules...AND he wants to act like an adult. So, treat him like one! Show the boy the harsh realities of adulthood...make him get a job and pay his own way: make him pay "rent" for that room in your house. Make him contribute to food cost. Make him be responsible at a reduced cost in ÿour house or let him find a place of his own. If he isn't up for that, then give hime the rules for living free. Give the boy options, and let HIM make the fateful decisions!"

He will get a job as soon as he gets his SS card. He will pay his way - rent. He did that in England the short time or two he did work. Evidently it is the norm that once kids in the UK get jobs to contribute, so it will not be a shock to him when he is asked to contribute here.

The "option" we gave him the other day after we found out he was planning to leave with her was (1) we would drive him to meet her only, not go with her; or (2) if he still had the intention of leaving with her we would not drive him anywhere. He said she had travelled all that way thinking he was going back with her so he had to. He knew she would be mad, but he should NOT have told her it was okay in the first place without asking.

The big picture here you are not getting. They did not just plan a visit to meet. That would have been fine. They planned for him to get in a car with her and go stay in Tennessee with someone he had never met before and to be gone for 4-5 days without any money. She obviously was going to pay for everything for him (food, drinks, cigarettes, hopefully *safe sex products*, etc.). He lied about it saying he "forgot" to tell us. Obviously all day long he was waiting for her. We had talked to him about what we thought was the meeting. He could have brought it up then. He waited until after she had left and was closer to town. He is gone and we don't know where he is.

Yes, I was 18 once, but I'm a parent now and am concerned and worried about him going off with someone he never met, to stay in a state 3 hours away, to have no $ for anything, and to not have any emergency numbers to reach him.

[MaryandMian 1]

Shari,

I know you are concerned in his safety now and hope he comes to his senses and calls you with contact information. Good luck and I will be thinking of you during this time.

Mary

[Mand 1]

I feel bad for you Shari.

The people that are saying just let him grow up. Come on now, give you head a shake. For one thing the young man is not from around here. He only has Shari and Keith and his step sisters. He knows noone but that girl he just met. Shari & Keith dont know what kind of people he is around. They might be all nuts in the head.

I agree 100% with pink_roses on this point.

[Shari 6]

THANK YOU Pink Roses, Mianishqsrose, and Mand!!! I think I can tell who the parents are that are responding versus the younger group and the men - ha ha (or even those that don't have kids but have a level head). Thanks!!!

[Kez/JWolf 6]

I have 2 kids one 23 the other 24 and your story sounds so familiar, yes they break your heart and yes they do stupid things and yes we still love them... but the truth is he is 18 he will only learn lessons by making mistakes... your job is now to be there so when he does make a mistake and he will make many... he will always know that at home he has unconditional love and acceptance... yes you will feel angry at him, yes you want to treat him like a child and say if you don't behave to the way I want you to, then I will send you back to england... but you cant force him to leave but you can drive him away!!

I hope he comes home soon.. and when he does I would act like he just went down the road to the shop and came back... I would not give him the satisfaction of getting angry or upset because at the end of the day he is doing what all young adults do... spreading their wings and do stupid stuff along the way..

Kezzie