husband not adjusting well..

[Xanax 349]

I've been to the UK many times while dating David, but the experience was completely different when I went by myself in March for a few weeks (was getting my nursing license). You still feel like an idiot, not knowing how everything works and having to ask for help and risk getting the "look" and the slight mocking that comes from being the typical "stupid American" when all you want to do is not cause trouble and go to the damn grocery store and get a band-aid for your bleeding finger! ("plasters" they're apparently called).

When you go to a foreign country in which the primary language is not your own, you expect to not know anything and everyone over there expects you to not know anything too. I would almost prefer that than feel so stupid while being inside a country that has the same language. Certainly I received much more advice/help when in Italy and was never mocked for it. Well...maybe they did so in Italian? I guess ignorance is bliss.

I agree whole heartedly.

I think adjusting is hard from anywhere as I have said so many times but there are different types of adjusting and different things expected of you if you know the language/ don't

[M&Pooh 12]

Good we agree on most of the things. Just couple of things to note.

No they really don't. I can't believe you think that. A friend of mine is Canadian and she says things Canadian all the time. You are stereotyping.

No, I am not. Just read this thread. For example, take the refusal to call "ketchup" "ketchup" from the original post. Or quite agressive and rude post from another member proclaiming everything Australian is superior to everything American. I don't have any stereotypes about this matter and was actually quite surprized to observe such an attitude.

Your experience as you described it looks like normal and healthy adjustment process... so, obviously, my remarks should not be taken personally.

(like you said your wife hates it but does it anyway)

Please dont't distort my words. Where did I say she "hates" that?? She actually couldn't care less... she just accepts that the norm here is "color" and "theater" and it doesn't cause any negative emotions for her. The same way if I am in Toronto I will be asking for "washroom" and postpone saying "restroom" until back in the US.

My bottom line is ( for the record, I am an immigrant to US, too - 12 years ago ): I honestly believe - attitude is the key. When one immigrates to any country, he/she should be ready to accept the norms and customs of that country and to assimilate him/herself to a certain degree. When a person constantly ( not temporarily; for some period it happens virtually to everybody during so called culture shock's "second phase" ) refuses to do that, he/she can expect failures in life in the new country and a negative attitude from the new neighbors. And he/she will be well deserving both failures and negative attitude.

Edited August 26, 2012 by M&Pooh

[SweetDelish 38]

hmmm this just reminded me of a moment when my fiance visited me, he had trouble with the language and I had to translate a lot, especially when speaking with shop clerks and waiters taking orders. Not saying that its difficult, we both found it funny that while we speak the same language, we also don't. I actually pride myself on being able to speak several dialects of English; Canadian, New Zealand, Australia and American (thongs, flipflops or jandals anyone? icebox, cooler or chilly bin?).

It just takes getting used to, I met a Canadian girl around 4 years ago who moved to Australia with her boyfriend and for the first 4 months hated it, it was way too different and she wanted to go home, she hated the food, the lifestyle, the people - everything. part of the problem was that she missed her friends and family, so I started hanging out with her more, making an effort to invite her places, she become one of my closest friends and now shes torn between staying and going home.

I guess my point is, it doesn't matter where you are from, or what language you speak - everyone has unique experiences, some people will adapt quickly, like me, but then I've lived in 3 countries 3 already and I love all the differences. Some people will take longer and find it harder. There is no one size fits all approach.

[Kajikit 65]

Americans as a whole barely know where Australia IS. 90% of the time they assume I'm English. 5% ask me when I moved down from New York, and the other 5% can pick my accent. When I laugh and tell them I'm from the other end of the world, maybe one out of ten recognises Melbourne. There is NO Australian programming on TV - Netflix has a few offerings. When I hear an Aussie accent on TV I get majorly homesick because it's such a rare event. A lot of people don't understand my accent, especially on the phone, because they have no exposure to it aside from the Crocodile Man.(and yes, they want to know if I've seen koalas, kangaroos etc...) My friends at church have less trouble than most because there's another Aussie ex-pat there already. It felt like SUCH a relief to find him and to have at least one person in my life who I don't have to explain EVERYTHING to - there are very few Australians in Florida, and not many in the US as a whole. I think we need a compelling reason to get up and leave our own country and come here. I had one - my husband! Before I met him I had NEVER considered leaving Australia, especially to go to America. But I've been here eight years and I like it just fine.

BTW, from this and other threads, anybody who's proud of the US for being a 'melting pot' has never been to Australia or the UK, or Canada for that matter. The US does not have a monopoly on multiculturalism. Compared to Australia, you're rank beginners...

[JohnR! 5,495]

Americans as a whole barely know where Australia IS. 90% of the time they assume I'm English. 5% ask me when I moved down from New York, and the other 5% can pick my accent. When I laugh and tell them I'm from the other end of the world, maybe one out of ten recognises Melbourne. There is NO Australian programming on TV - Netflix has a few offerings. When I hear an Aussie accent on TV I get majorly homesick because it's such a rare event. A lot of people don't understand my accent, especially on the phone, because they have no exposure to it aside from the Crocodile Man.(and yes, they want to know if I've seen koalas, kangaroos etc...) My friends at church have less trouble than most because there's another Aussie ex-pat there already. It felt like SUCH a relief to find him and to have at least one person in my life who I don't have to explain EVERYTHING to - there are very few Australians in Florida, and not many in the US as a whole. I think we need a compelling reason to get up and leave our own country and come here. I had one - my husband! Before I met him I had NEVER considered leaving Australia, especially to go to America. But I've been here eight years and I like it just fine.

BTW, from this and other threads, anybody who's proud of the US for being a 'melting pot' has never been to Australia or the UK, or Canada for that matter. The US does not have a monopoly on multiculturalism. Compared to Australia, you're rank beginners...

I think it is all a matter of perspective and attitude. I have lived both in England and Australia and I have lived through all the experiences you mention. First and foremost, I have met many Australians that could not find Kansas on a US map, others could find Steamboat Springs with their eyes closed, equally to many Americans who could tell you the difference between a Perth accent to that of Sydney. I found out that for many Britons, putting America down is a past-time, but I have seen the same level of white-trashness and lack of education in the MIdlands and other regions as one sees here in the boondocks. I also saw similar behavior in rural Australia. I have found out they criticize in America those things that are also present in their countries. Somehow they found solace in finding objectionable behavior in a country other than their own. Perhaps the bottom line is they are unaware there is more to the US, GB and AU other than N.York, LA, London, Glasgow, Sydney, Cairns or Perth. There are entire populations in between, made up of all kinds of people from all socioeconomic layers.

In both countries, almost everyone I met remarked on my accent and commented on certain choices of words I made, as an indication of my provenance. My interest in foreign languages only made it all the more exciting to me to learn the differences in lexicon and speech in three countries that began with the same kind of population and lexicon. I found it fascinating and never stopped creating parallel sets of vocabulary which to use when I go back and visit these countries. If I have any intention of enjoying my experiences there, the least I can do is communicate in a manner they can understand. It would be exceedingly presumptuous for me to expect them to accommodate to me, always. Knowledge occupies no space, so there is no reason to resist acquiring new intelligence for reasons that are jingoist at best.

As each country is different, so must be the frame of mind of any immigrant. For me, I had the option to stay in America and have it my way, all the way. In choosing to live in the UK and AU it was my job to fit in or get out. Neither government begged me to come, or to stay when I decided to leave and the only reason i returned to the US was because the purpose of my project had been accomplished and I chose to get back home. Each time it was great to return home, but heartbreaking to leave my friends behind, or as I put it, according to my personal philosophy, leaving friends ahead, for when we meet again.

All in all there are things I love and dislike about the UK and AU but deep down, it is nobody's fault. It is just the way things are and they are not going to change, nor is it my job to change them. For each thing I disliked in both countries, there were thousand others I loved and still miss.

I am proud of America for being the world's melting pot. I recognize AU and CA are also melting pots. I don't think it makes any of these countries better or worse than the other, so much as it makes them different. It is always an exercise in futility to gauge one country against the others, although it is almost impossible to resist the temptation, so if you do it, do so as an exercise in futility and nothing else.

I think that the real point is that an entire country will not change to accommodate your personal taste or preference. Do your part and fit in. Being multicultural means you can operate effectively in different circles and it does not predicate you must abdicate that which you consider your core cultural values. To be sure, the bigger effort always falls on the immigrant, but you should have known that to be the case when you made the option to live in another country and frankly, in my case, I am much better for it today. You can wallow in self pity and live in a regime of self flagellation for all those things your new country isn't or you can expand your mind and become a citizen of the world by embracing, with abandon, all the new good things your new home has to offer. You have and control that option.

Edited September 7, 2012 by Gegel

[Xanax 349]

Americans as a whole barely know where Australia IS. 90% of the time they assume I'm English. 5% ask me when I moved down from New York, and the other 5% can pick my accent. When I laugh and tell them I'm from the other end of the world, maybe one out of ten recognises Melbourne. There is NO Australian programming on TV - Netflix has a few offerings. When I hear an Aussie accent on TV I get majorly homesick because it's such a rare event. A lot of people don't understand my accent, especially on the phone, because they have no exposure to it aside from the Crocodile Man.(and yes, they want to know if I've seen koalas, kangaroos etc...) My friends at church have less trouble than most because there's another Aussie ex-pat there already. It felt like SUCH a relief to find him and to have at least one person in my life who I don't have to explain EVERYTHING to - there are very few Australians in Florida, and not many in the US as a whole. I think we need a compelling reason to get up and leave our own country and come here. I had one - my husband! Before I met him I had NEVER considered leaving Australia, especially to go to America. But I've been here eight years and I like it just fine.

BTW, from this and other threads, anybody who's proud of the US for being a 'melting pot' has never been to Australia or the UK, or Canada for that matter. The US does not have a monopoly on multiculturalism. Compared to Australia, you're rank beginners...

Your post made me smile

Congratulations on making it 8 years!

[SaharaSunset 165]

Americans as a whole barely know where Australia IS. 90% of the time they assume I'm English. 5% ask me when I moved down from New York, and the other 5% can pick my accent. When I laugh and tell them I'm from the other end of the world, maybe one out of ten recognises Melbourne. There is NO Australian programming on TV - Netflix has a few offerings. When I hear an Aussie accent on TV I get majorly homesick because it's such a rare event. A lot of people don't understand my accent, especially on the phone, because they have no exposure to it aside from the Crocodile Man.(and yes, they want to know if I've seen koalas, kangaroos etc...) My friends at church have less trouble than most because there's another Aussie ex-pat there already. It felt like SUCH a relief to find him and to have at least one person in my life who I don't have to explain EVERYTHING to - there are very few Australians in Florida, and not many in the US as a whole. I think we need a compelling reason to get up and leave our own country and come here. I had one - my husband! Before I met him I had NEVER considered leaving Australia, especially to go to America. But I've been here eight years and I like it just fine.

BTW, from this and other threads, anybody who's proud of the US for being a 'melting pot' has never been to Australia or the UK, or Canada for that matter. The US does not have a monopoly on multiculturalism. Compared to Australia, you're rank beginners...

Its incredible that in such a short time in America, you are able to make statements like "America as a whole." Incredible. You must have been to all 50 states right? Surely anyone who knows anything about "America as a whole" knows that each state is almost its own mini-country. And thus very different culturally. And so making statements about "America as a whole" based on experiences in 1 or even 10 states (or what you see on American TV) is actually a NOT a broad enough perspective about this country. And interestingly enough, ignorance go both ways. While doing an internship, living in Australia, I was constantly asked if I always "saw movies stars just walking on the street"...even though I told people I was from a State other than California I guess lots of Aussies have a hard time seeing America as more than just Hollywood. Again, funny how that ignorance going both ways. At the end of the day, its great you like it here in America despite some rather negative and incorrect generalizations. Once you really start to get to know America, you'll find it is more of a tossed salad than a melting pot. We don't necessarily force everyone to melt down to one monolithic culture. And if we are one of 3 or 4 "multicultural countries" out of 195+ countries, then I think we are still allowed to feel proud

To the OP - I feel your pain. My husband left a thriving business back home. Of course I thought with him having a college degree and being fluent in 7 languages, he would find work easily here. Sadly its been tough for us too. He is currently working in a job that pays just $9 an hour, and frankly we're grateful for even that at this point. I still do struggle with the guilt of asking him to come here and give up his life, especially since he also went through that culture shock phase of not exactly loving the US. I'm not sure if there is an easy solution. Its gotten a lot better for my husband as he has started making friends...and just with time. Just know you're not alone in your situation, and best of luck to you

[USAand OZ 2]

You know how you make "immigration" friends when you go through this process? I remember talking to one such friend who had moved from England to Ohio. She talked about the feeling of walking outside the door one day and not even knowing how to post a letter. I thought it was a telling emotion - just one bit of how it must feel to move far away from all one has ever known.

My husband was the one who immigrated instead of me. I was the one with a kid. The first time I ever talked to my husband on the phone (after getting to know him online) I told him I was "planted" here. That was our reality and that's how we made our decision.

After getting to know more about his country, and visiting there more often, I started to take a liking to it. I made mental lists of positives and negatives for his country and for mine. The positives in his country's column were getting longer. Meanwhile my son was growing up. My husband and I talked more often about moving - even talked about it to friends and family. Friends said "do it - life is short - go be happy". Family snarled - both sides of the pond. I continued to play the game with myself of wondering if I could part with a lifetime accumulation of furniture and other possessions and start fresh somewhere thousands of miles away. Could I really do it, even with the boy gone?

My husband had a sudden medical emergency a few months ago. It was a really bad patch and we didn't know how he would come out. I knew when my husband moved here (and it still remains true)that some of the best experts for his chronic medical condition are in his home country. While driving to the hospital one day, in a blinding flash of clarity, I realized that my house, my car and my furniture were REALLY, honestly and truly, just the inanimate objects I'd been guessing they were. And that if I had to sell it all to get a happy life with a healthy husband, then put the sign in the yard because I'm so there.

Bring it on. I'm going wherever the good times are.

[SikaHunter_NZ 5]

I've found moving here very frustrating, but I'm getting there. The hardest thing for me to have adjusted to is the diet! Its taken almost a month and half to have a settled digestive system, not neccesarily a bad thing as I LOVE the craft beer selections!!!

Coming from New Zealand, there are many so things that are very similar, but frustratingly different (food, hardware supplies, even the coins catch me out!) and to be honest I think my wife gets a sadistic bit of satisfaction out of watching me trying to describe the products I'm looking for in stores.

I find I compare everything to New Zealand (home), but that's all I've ever known. Being thrown in the deep end, trying to sort things while the wife works has been a hell of a challenge, but not impossible and I definately enjoy living over here.

Keeping busy has been the key to keeping my sanity! I've gone around all the neighbours volunteering to weed gardens, paint fences, yard work etc just to pass the time until EAD is approved. Good bit of manual therapy, meets lots of contacts/friends and enjoy the fantastic weather.

Good food, good people, good beer, great wife, great family... whats not to like?

Luke

[torontogal4388 20]

Wonderful post Luke!! You are a great example of how to fly in a foreign land. Thank you.

I'm Canadian and have been here (US) with my dear husband for about 3 months now. Seems I have gone through every emotion under the sun. Yup it sure is different from all the visits I made. Very difficult to not compare the million and one subtle differences between the two "sister" countries. But one must stop at some point and just empty your mind and consciously acquire new ways of perceiving all that one is exposed to.

The toughest part for me, like many, is the isolation! Equally tough and in may ways more important, is the loss of so much that defined me and made me feel good about who I was in my old life - career, friends, co-workers, financial competence - my whole being. I was very proud of my career and my competence - now that is GONE. My credentials do not translate to my new locale and I must start over from scratch. I must re-engineer WHO I am. Grasping the emotional implications of that is enormous.

Daily you also fight down fear. Fear that you will not be able to regain the respect and economic strength you have enjoyed through much of your adult life. Fear that you will never again be perceived and respected as you once were.

I am mature (early 60's) and am suddenly finding myself thrown into revamping my resume (basically gutting it to a 60 second flash add), learning social media marketing, etc. and utterly changing careers in order to HOPE to obtain gainful employment. 40 years of hard work POOF! GONE! I also believe, as some have said on here, that Americans would rather hire Americans. In some respects I don't blame them when the economy is in such a trashed state. So then the fear kicks in - career success gone, changing careers, alien work history and qualifications - damn that's bad. How can I find any HR person even willing to work with me on this. There is no incentive for them. None. Opps - here comes fear again.....

I also note that most Americans only know America and are ignorant of all other nations and the quality of non-American education. This too impacts your job search in a very major way. Holy sh*t Batman! Will I ever recover??

YES. I MUST. Or lose my sanity. Daily I work at moving forward.

There are good days, and there are bad ones.

Bad days include trash talking myself and feeding in to my fears, missing the familiar, resenting the grand "illusion" of America we didn't know we had in our heads. This is a very tough "survival of the fittest" country. I've learned that even asking about the health and wellbeing of my husband's co-worker is considered "minding someone else's business". Boy do I have a lot to learn. And yet I never loose the thought that Americans as a whole are really lovely people.

sorry .... I ramble... forgive me, I'm new to America LOL