husband not adjusting well..

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

You know what bugs me about this thread most of all?

The part where it looks like people are arguing about which is the better country.

[Xanax 349]

You know what bugs me about this thread most of all?

The part where it looks like people are arguing about which is the better country.

I think you will always have an affinity to your "home country" but every country has it's good and bad bits.

I guess the most important thing to remember (and I have to tell myself this ALL the time) is that we are in the US for a reason. Our husbands/ wives/ families are here now and we have to make the best of it or move on.

I'm never going to fall in love with a country I am constantly bashing! So time to think of the positives, you know?

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I think you will always have an affinity to your "home country" but every country has it's good and bad bits.

I guess the most important thing to remember (and I have to tell myself this ALL the time) is that we are in the US for a reason. Our husbands/ wives/ families are here now and we have to make the best of it or move on.

I'm never going to fall in love with a country I am constantly bashing! So time to think of the positives, you know?

LOL I can't give it that much deep thought.

It just reminds me of some ball-cap wearing yahoo draped in an American flag, who has never stepped foot out of the country, standing in the middle of a Nascar stadium yelling "Amurika #### yeah".

Really, people. There is good stuff beyond your own border. If there weren't, we wouldn't have civilization.

[Xanax 349]

Agreed! Well said. We all tend to sometimes be a little ethnocentric!

Edited August 23, 2012 by Xanax

[KLS2010 30]

I completely understand what your husband is going through. I have been here for a year on Friday - and I am still adjusting. Even now I still compare America to Australia (on much the same things your husband is probably saying - health care, wages, taxes, etc). It really isn't easy to give up everything you have ever known to start all over again somewhere else ( and I do believe its harder when you had a pretty good life beforehand).

I really think that getting a job will help him feel better about everything. But l also know how hard it is to find the motivation to look for jobs when all you are really qualified for is minimum wage jobs, and even those you get knocked back for. I worked with Thoroughbred horses in Australia, some of which were worth hundreds of thousands of dollars (and a few that were into the millions), but yet I got passed over for a job bagging groceries and collecting carts! I can't speak for others, but for me - moving here and now earning a quater of what I was earning in Australia - that isn't something you don't get used to overnight (or even in a few weeks, or months). Having said that though, just being able to get out of the house and do SOMETHING, and to be around other people has been a huge help.

I don't know if he had a bad experience at work - although I wouldn't imagine it would be hard if he was working in a bar - alcohol can bring out the worst in people, no matter what country you are in. I personally haven't had any bad experiences related to being Aussie - everyone I have met have been interested to know where I'm from, and like the accent (although some people have a little trouble understanding me - the main one being my own father-in-law!).

I am lucky that my husband is pretty relaxed and has put up with a lot of my whining about how things are different here, and with me ending up in tears of frustration because I had to really concentrate to tell the difference between a nickel and a dime, and how I didn't know how to pay a bill, or to get license plates for a car, etc. When you are away from everything you understand, even what seem like silly little things can be a source of frustation and anger.

I really can't offer many suggestions beyond what has already been said. You said you think it's unlikely that he would volunteer anywhere. Ok, so what about a hobby? Is there anything he likes to do - I don't know - play a sport, or an instrument, or something, where there might be a local group/team that he could join? Classes at a community college? Anything like that, that again, would get him out of the house and doing something with other people. You have said that friends and family members have offered to take him out, but - and this is just my opinion from my own experience - that doesn't really count. I know that for me it was very important to have my 'own' friends - people that I met, not people that were friends of my husband. And for someone like me who is rather shy and reserved, making friends wasn't easy for me even in Australia, let alone an entirely new country.

Sometimes people just have to figure out a way to deal with things on their own. Like I said, my husband has been terrific, but he still really can't ever know what it's like to completely 'pull up stumps' and move to a new country (unless of course we move to Australia, then the shoe will be on the other foot! Although, I think he would handle it better than I have). I still get in moods where I wan't to just go home to Australia (I still do and always will think of Australia as home), and I have to remind myself to snap out of it. Changing perspective really does make a difference - in the begining I didn't think too much about me saying certain things were 'better in Australia' - but when I really stopped to think how I would react if someone came to Australia and said that things in their own country were better - I wouldn't be too happy about it. So, I now have to look at things, not so much that one is better than the other - it's just different, that's all.

I wish you both the best of luck. If you or your husband would like to PM me, feel free

[Fandango 1,440]

I'm not trying to be funny here, but I think in certain cases, a therapist might be able to help. This is not an easy transition to just be uprooted from everything and everyone you know. Add to that a new marriage, and learning to live with someone else, which can sometimes be stressful enough itself. It could seriously put someone into a depression. I think talking to an impartial third party might help with the 'fish out of water' alienation some may feel during this time. A spouse may not necessarily want to burden the other spouse with the full, uncensored truth of the way that (s)he feels.

[JohnR! 5,495]

LOL I can't give it that much deep thought.

It just reminds me of some ball-cap wearing yahoo draped in an American flag, who has never stepped foot out of the country, standing in the middle of a Nascar stadium yelling "Amurika #### yeah".

Really, people. There is good stuff beyond your own border. If there weren't, we wouldn't have civilization.

The difference between a jingoist and a patriot is that the latter has a stamped passport.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I feel you are generally someone who gives great advice, Harpa, but today going on the attack, that didn't seem fair.

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings Xanax. You seem nice and I am sorry I upset you.

But, here is my honest opinion on that comment. I think you knew it was rude, because you began with "I don't want to sound harsh." It just smacks to me of entitlement and egocentrism. A poor immigrant who cannot get a job and has no education would give their eye teeth to be in your position. Native-English speaker, legal, educated, with prospects? I assure you they don't have it easier than you. It just reminds me of those jokes, "white people problems" or "first world problems."

If you meant to say that the adjustment may be different, then of course. And of course it's still hard. Someone might have different feelings that they were once a superstar and now they feel like a no one, and that is damaging to the ego. But, trust me, they will be a super star again soon.

You're right I was lumping the sentiments in with the other poster. It just seemed as if aussies were complaining that no one here recognizes how super special they are, and it's extra hard for them to fit in because they are the best.

So, I am sorry I said shame. I didn't mean to attack you so much as wake you up, but that was strong language. The other part I stand by; most people who replied here have experience adjusting or aiding in the adjustment from a similar background as the OP.

I don't think the US is best; far from it. It's a real place.

Edited August 23, 2012 by Harpa Timsah

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I worked with Thoroughbred horses in Australia, some of which were worth hundreds of thousands of dollars (and a few that were into the millions), but yet I got passed over for a job bagging groceries and collecting carts!

KLS - this just stuck out to me. It is possible to be "overqualified" for jobs. if you once were a professional in any field, then yes, you will have trouble getting hired to do the work someone without a HS degree can do. The employer thinks you won't stay long and will ask for too much stuff - vacation, special treatment. You don't have to start over from zero.

I don't know if you have found a job yet, but have you considered finding something in your field or even semi-related to it, like working with other animals? Are there any stables near to you?

[Blondie-CO 8]

Back to the original post.... my husband arrived in March. He has had his EAD for a few weeks and is beginning the job search. I often got upset with him because he wasn't doing things "the way I would do them" (I'm very forward/direct/proactive, and my husband is more passive/thoughtful/steady). Once I realized this and gave him room to breathe instead of hounding him every day about working on his resume and job hunting, he came around in a way that was just as effective yet comfortable for him, as he is still very much adjusting to living here.

My husband came around and is very active with a local museum & has made good friends. This has impacted his self esteem greatly, which he will need during his job search

I think it would behoove you to have a frank but caring conversation with your husband about his wants, expectations and goals, as well as yours. It sounds like you are not seeing eye to eye on some very important issues (ie, you are upside down on your house, but he wants his own car).

Good luck to you!

PS- my husband also slags the US VERY OFTEN! It's almost a game we have. Once I stopped being so damn defensive of our (yes) many ridiculous laws and American attitudes, I could start to learn a thing or two. It also allows me to slag his country too, without repercussions, hehe

Edited August 23, 2012 by Blondie-CO

[Xanax 349]

Harpa, again you have misconstrued my message and also the context in my "don't mean to be harsh comment". I won't continue a debate with you. I know people agree with me and I am content to know most did not misconstrue or twist my words.

Good luck OP I hope you have been back here and gotten some helpful insights!

Edit: oh- I agree with the poster who spoke about therapy. It may be great for both of you. I know my husband and I did premarital counseling and it definately helped with the adjustment.

Edited August 23, 2012 by Xanax

[KLS2010 30]

KLS - this just stuck out to me. It is possible to be "overqualified" for jobs. if you once were a professional in any field, then yes, you will have trouble getting hired to do the work someone without a HS degree can do. The employer thinks you won't stay long and will ask for too much stuff - vacation, special treatment. You don't have to start over from zero.

I don't know if you have found a job yet, but have you considered finding something in your field or even semi-related to it, like working with other animals? Are there any stables near to you?

Thank you for your suggestions. I did consider going into working with other animals, but my real passion is with horses. I just had to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be able to find the same position I had in Australia in the area where I live.

I actually do have a job now. The same place that passed over me for bagging groceries actually called me a few weeks later and offered me a better position. I'm enjoying doing something different, and just being out of the house and around other people has made me feel better about things here. I finally have a sense of normalcy now, and that's why I hope that OP's husband can find something he can be happy about, even if it's not in the same industry he is used to working in.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

So, my now husband moved here from Australia in Feb. we got married within a couple of days, and are currently still waiting on a K-1 AOS. The 180 days should hopefully be coming to an end within the month..

He's been here 6 months and is just very frustrated with the US and I think he regrets moving here..:

- hasn't been able to find a job (has had his work authorization since May sometime..)

- He has a degree, but has only been able to find like barback/bartending shifts once or twice a week.

- He comments and criticizes nearly EVERYTHING and how much better it is in australia. -- traffic laws, customer service, grocery stores.. you name it, he's got something to say about it.

On top of it all, one of the big reasons he moved here (although I don't think I would ever move there) is because I had a stable job a mile from my house, which of course I'm upside down in my mortgage on, so I wouldn't have been able to sell without taking a HUGE hit anyway, plus I have a dog, and that would just be another huge expense/complication of getting there.

Well.. in a few more months, the department I work in is closing, which means we're looking at a move sometime in the near future anyway, as I'll need to find a job in another hospital, likely not within a reasonable commute. I've been working a ton of overtime (while I still can!), paying off the wedding, and trying to save money, to which he repeatedly tells me "you wouldn't have to work at all if you moved to Australia". I really feel like he just resents me for us making the decision for having him move here. But we didn't have a crystal ball 2 years ago when we made this decision, and we've spent a LOT of money, as you all know.. in order to get him here.

I just feel incredibly guilty now. I know and appreciate how much he has given up in order to come here to be with me, but I just wish he would embrace this experience instead of fight it so much. Our relationship otherwise is fine, when I am off from work we spend the time together and get along great.. I just think he gets depressed being home alone so much because I am at work. I just hope he can find a challenging job SOON, I think it will give him a purpose of being here and he'll be happy contributing, make his own friends and not feel like he gave up his world to sit on my couch.

Just needed to vent a little.. anyone else having any adjustment issues?

Yep most definitely had adjustment issues. I highlighted a few points in your note above that I found interesting and also edited the formatting a little. Also, being Australian I feel like I should add this disclaimer: **None of my comments are meant to be rude, nasty or offensive. If you are offended by something please let me know and hopefully I re-word it ... oh and I apologise for the length in advance.”

Firstly, I have been here since September 2009. I lived in Houston first for 6 months then we moved up to his home town in Iowa. I have been an LPR since July 2010 and I’m waiting on my ROC. I’m eligible for USC next year.

Before I get to your post, I wanted to comment on a some comments about language issues and how we speak English so the adjustment shouldn’t really be that hard (I hear this ALL the time btw).. it’s a lie. Half of my problem, and I suspect your husbands, is everyone DOES speak a version of English (I simply call it American) so you would think they would understand us… it is really upsetting and frustrating when something as simple as ordering take-out/carry-out means I need to hand the phone to my husband (or at one time for accommodation, my father-in-law). It shouldn’t be this hard so everytime I am not understood or need to repeat myself 50 times I get reminded that I’m different.

You said in another post “but he would come home from his bar/restaurant work and complain that a customer got upset with him because he asked if they wanted tomato sauce and didn't know what that was.. since we call it ketchup here, and he KNOWS its called ketchup here, but its like he refuses to call it ketchup and he thinks hes going to change all of america to say things the way he says it in australia, but thinks every other nationality needs to conform to american ways when they are here”. It’s not necessarily about them not understanding, it’s probably more about HOW they go about telling him they don’t understand and their unwillingness to just let it go that he slipped up, or their unwillingness to learn what it means in case he slips up again (which he will). I have had some pretty bad experiences with the language barrier. It’s also something I struggled with as well for a few reasons:

1. In some cases people KNEW what I meant and still felt the need to correct me (quite rude.. my husband is a culprit sometimes)
   
2. I’d been speaking “Australian” for about 26 years prior to moving to the US, it’s hard to suddenly stop saying things a certain way, especially when your brain is on other things
   
3. I copped a LOT of flack from Aussie friends for writing “my truck” on a post on FB for becoming “American” and still continue to get it (though it’s a little less now) for any other time I slip up. My family and some friends didn’t want me to change and become “a rude American” (I’m sorry, it really is the stereotype... just like we all ride Kangaroos and have pet koalas).. which leads me to..
   
4. Loss of identity. He’s not only moved county and given up all he knows, but now people will not accept him for him and feel the need to correct him and tell him how he needs to speak when for however many years he spoke just fine.
   
5. I will also add a big complaint is being laughed at. Not laughed WITH, laughed AT. “Oh you said the wrong thing. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”… when you’re trying to do your job that gets old real quick.
   

So he’s been here 6 months. He’s still wearing rose-coloured glasses about home and how things were. He’s remembering the good of home and ignoring the bad because all he see’s in the US right now are the bad in the form of barriers to him living a normal life. Set-backs from how life USED to be. As another poster said – walking outside your house one day and realizing you don’t know how to post a letter… you can’t imagine what that feeling is like. You can try, but you just can’t.

In another of your posts you stated the following (I will write my responses based on my first reaction to your comments so I'm sorry but they're not all nice):

• I'm tempted to take a trip back to Oz once we get his green card, if he still doesn't have a job just to increase his spirits some even though we dont have the money, but I'm worried that might backfire as well, and he wont want to come back.
  So? You've stated if he made you choose (in another post) you would most likely not move to Aus with him so now you're saying he can't stay back in Aus if that's where he feels he needs to be? You're his wife, not his keeper. If he chooses to remain in Aus then that is his choice. I'm not trying to be rude but you can't think it's rational to on the one hand say if he made YOU choose either 'him and Australia' or 'the US' you would "most likely" not choose him, and then on the other hand say that you're scared he will leave YOU if given the choice.
  
• Again, I am so thankful for all he has given up to be here with me, in a million years I could never do what he just did, but sometimes I just want to shake the boy by the shoulders and tell him to wake up.
  Wake up to what? You said your relationship together is good. He's having trouble finding work, he's going through culture shock and is feeling depressed. You want him to "wake up to life"? Or "wake up to how awesome America is"? Because if it's the latter that's a problem. In the beginning the depression and sadness makes every negative thing people say so much worse. I've had people ask me if I was "happy to finally leave Australia" (like Lyn said like Australia is some awful place to live), I've had people ask whether I like Australia or the US better.. knowing I CAN'T say Australia because they get offended (which they have when I didn't know the first time not to say "of course I prefer Australia but I'm not unhappy to be here") so being told "Aren't you SO glad to finally be living in America" is really insulting. Plus, as you said, you wouldn't do it (you clarified later but the theme still stands, you wouldn't have picked leaving your country) so you don't understand the culture shock.
  
• All of my friends and family love him, and since before he got here all I've been hearing is "let me know when you're working so I can take him out.. I want to get together with him bla bla bla" and he knows this, but wont call people back or call them period. Its like he thinks they're hanging out with him for sympathy, which is not the case. He gets along fine with all my friends husbands and likes them, but again.. just wont go that extra step to have more of a friendship with them.
  Not to be rude but did you ever think he doesn't WANT to be friends with them? You don't think it's pathetic that his wife is trying to organise "play dates" for him? You might not mean it that way but you can't force a friendship on him or them. You can help cultivate it by inviting people over for a group dinner and allowing the friendship to grow naturally. Just because they're boys doesn't mean they're going to be friends. It might not even be that he doesn't want to be friends with them but he doesn't have that relationship with them yet so calling them up or whatever is weird and awkward.
  
• I keep putting myself in his shoes mentally,because I know he has just gone through a HUGE change, and although I've never lived out of the country, I did do travel nursing before, so I have moved to a completely new place where I knew NOBODY, not even a significant other, and I got out there and made friends
  Not even a small comparison. It's not that he doesn't know anybody. It's that he knows NOTHING. He doesn't know what food is good. He doesn't have a car to drive or know how to use public transport. He doesn't know what deodorant his favourite is. You simply moved towns. No comparison I'm afraid. I wish I could explain to you what it's like. Your family example is a good one. Your parents are sick and his aren't sure, but imagine ALL your friends, ALL your family over a day away by plane, that's if you could get a plane immediately... Now imagine that your milk tastes wrong, your bread is weird, you can't find your favourite foods, you aren't earning as much money, you don't understand the health care (and even if you have a health insurance plan there's a risk of crazy medical bills that doesn't exist at home), you don't have the same tax system, you don't have a drivers licence (or you're not sure how to get one and you have to learn all new road rules), you can understand what people are saying but they don't understand you and every now and then people will imitate your accent to mock you, or laugh at you for messing up... that's a small insight into what his every day life is like
  
• He wants a job, and depressed he doesn't have a job, but you don't get a job unless you have a good resume (without spelling errors!) and actually send it to company's that are hiring, or get a recruiter.
  This is not the first time you've mentioned the spelling errors. Are you attempting to belittle him or make him feel small and pathetic for having errors? Why mention it so many times? Do you even realise you're doing it? That you're BLAMING him for not finding a job? After all, had there been no spelling errors he would "for sure" have a job by now right? I'm saying this because you might be unintentionally showing a lot of resentment and frustration toward him. Your frustration is clear from your post. It's been fixed now. He isn't perfect. No-one wins when you play the blame game.
  
• I feel like I've tried every single route to get him to do this stuff.. hold his hand, dial the numbers.. write the emails for him, fill out the online applications for him, to the other extreme of like withholding fun things like going out for lunch or on a hike or something until he contacts whoever he needs to contact
  I can't politely express how I felt when I first read your comment about "withholding" things. He most likely already feels like a deadbeat so you even entertaining the idea of controlling him in that manner is not only extremely rude but also very cruel of his spouse to suggest, if you were his mother this sort of control is pretty standard. You are NOT his mother. Stop acting like you are and tossing out ideas of "grounding him" and stop thinking you need to be his mother and hold his hand and walk him though it. If he wants to act like a belligerent child, fine, but don't get into that parent/child relationship with him. I suggest you sit down and talk to him. Talk to him about your frustration. Not at HIM but at the situation. Ask him what he wants you to do. Make an action plan of what needs to be done. Offer your suggestions of what you would do. Tell him about the Mates Up over site (mentioned below) as somewhere he can find resources that we've found and have other people who understand, who have been through it and who can offer suggestions that worked for us. Most of all, remember you are his wife and be his wife, not his keeper.
  
• He is a smart man with a good work ethic and had a great job in Oz, but he just wont put the effort in here.
  He IS putting in effort. Just not where you're looking. He's putting in effort to be happy with you. To not blame you, to give up on your relationship and hop on the next plane back to Australia. I'm not saying that's what he's thinking but he might be, especially on days where it's especially hard and days where you might be fighting with each other
  
• I guess saying I'd never move to Australia in a million years is a bit of an exaggeration, but realistically.. for likely 10-15 years. There was a long list of reasons as to why he moved here vs me moving there, and that was all discussed on our first real trip together when we knew we wanted to pursue a relationship. Aside from financial reasons, my parents are significantly older than his, approaching mid 70's and my father has health problems. My parents won't and simply can't travel, especially a long trip to Australia. Even if they could travel, they wouldn't be able to afford it. His parents just hit 60, they both travel freely (they were both here for a month in April for the wedding celebration) and have the financial freedom to do so. So, I just really couldn't leave my parents at this stage in their lives. I work in healthcare, I am depended on to be there for medical appts etc and decision making. If his parent(s) were to get sick while mine were still alive, I honestly dont know what we would do. We'll cross that bridge if it comes, but for now.. this is where I need to be.
  This is all about priorities. His parents **knock on wood** could die tomorrow in a car accident. Does that make them any more or less important than your parents? Your husband chose YOU over his family. You are choosing your family over HIM and he's also agreed with your choice and in wanting to be with you has left his family. Do I think you should move back right now? No. It takes a while to adjust. For me I relapse every now and then but I think it took about 2 years to not be sad or overwhelmed or angry in some way almost all the time. My father turned 93 in June and I still chose to move here with Tony. Priorities. YOU could travel to the US and visit your family. You could get someone else to go to appointments. There are options. I understand you don't want to explore those options, but don't try and make your family more important than his simply because your parent are older or sicker. His family is still important to him but right now YOU are more important to him.
  
• I always assumed, that all of America had Australians up on this pedestal.. great accents, smart, chasing crocodiles and snakes around in between surf breaks.. you know.. and that's the kind of reaction I had gotten from everyone too when I told them I was marrying an aussie "oh wow! that's sooo cool!" etc etc but in the time he's been here, he's had 2 jobs in restaurants, one only lasted a week or two before they told him it wasn't working out, and the other one is the one hes been in for a few months now, but he really has been experiencing some racism? I guess that's what you would call it.. he had years of bar-tending experience before he got his degree, yet at this place they only keep him as a table runner/barback because of the 'language barrier'.
  Discrimination is what I call it and yes I've been through it as well. Sure there are people who love us, but there are just as many, especially in the beginning when you're so fragile, that seem to come out of the woodwork to be pr*cks.
  

The main theme in a lot of your comments are "my" "I" etc. "my couch", "my dog", "where I need to be". It's all a little self-serving really. I know this post is about him, but it seems to be more about how his mood is affecting you. How can you get a job for him quicker so he stops being such a downer and offending you with his comments about your country. My husband is former military and while I know my comments bothered him (he has since told me) he didn't tell me to "suck it up"... he gave me a hug and an ear so I had at least SOMEONE to vent to. You don't want to vent to your family and have them tell you you made the wrong choice and to come home (it happens).

I suggest he gives "www.meetup.com" a look and sees if there are any groups there. It's incredibly awkward (in my opinion as someone whos done it) to rock up somewhere not knowing anyone to make friends ("pathetic" comes to mind) but I did it. None of the people there were "my kind of people" but I tried. I didn't do that until about a year in though. He will do things at his own pace.

I'm sure a lot of my comments seem harsh. I'm really not trying to make you feel bad about yourself or anything. This situation sucks. You cannot begin to understand it, quite honestly, unless you have moved country and given up everything and have nothing to show for your lifetime to date... BUT I can tell you it will be better. Eventually. All you can do is be a loving a supporting wife. I suggest telling him you're worried about him and asking him what you need to do to make it easier. Most likely he'll tell you nothing because there really is NOTHING you can do to help out. It's something he needs to get through himself, with your support and love of course.

As a side note my husband never pushed me to get a job. He never looked at my resume (or blamed me). The only thing he DID do is tell me he wanted me to be happy. To look until I find something that fits. That I shouldn't have to work a factory job for ####### wages. His support meant, and still does mean, a lot.

There is quite possibly a similar online community for Australians, but I found an NZ one that connects professional Kiwi's living overseas. for an idea of what I'm talking about, this is the site: http://www.keanewzealand.com/

there are regional portals, there is a register of New Zealander's living in various places and positions in companies that Kiwis have around the world. which equals professional networking opportunities. you register on there so you can network.

there must be something similar for Australians globally too.

There is indeed It’s called “Mates Up Over” and can be found here: http://www.matesupover.com/ and there’s also a FB page here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/21182840752/

I hope my comments help in some way, and I'm sorry for the length!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

.

[Golden Gate 530]

Yep most definitely had adjustment issues. I highlighted a few points in your note above that I found interesting and also edited the formatting a little. Also, being Australian I feel like I should add this disclaimer: **None of my comments are meant to be rude, nasty or offensive. If you are offended by something please let me know and hopefully I re-word it ... oh and I apologise for the length in advance.”

Firstly, I have been here since September 2009. I lived in Houston first for 6 months then we moved up to his home town in Iowa. I have been an LPR since July 2010 and I’m waiting on my ROC. I’m eligible for USC next year.

Before I get to your post, I wanted to comment on a some comments about language issues and how we speak English so the adjustment shouldn’t really be that hard (I hear this ALL the time btw).. it’s a lie. Half of my problem, and I suspect your husbands, is everyone DOES speak a version of English (I simply call it American) so you would think they would understand us… it is really upsetting and frustrating when something as simple as ordering take-out/carry-out means I need to hand the phone to my husband (or at one time for accommodation, my father-in-law). It shouldn’t be this hard so everytime I am not understood or need to repeat myself 50 times I get reminded that I’m different.

You said in another post “but he would come home from his bar/restaurant work and complain that a customer got upset with him because he asked if they wanted tomato sauce and didn't know what that was.. since we call it ketchup here, and he KNOWS its called ketchup here, but its like he refuses to call it ketchup and he thinks hes going to change all of america to say things the way he says it in australia, but thinks every other nationality needs to conform to american ways when they are here”. It’s not necessarily about them not understanding, it’s probably more about HOW they go about telling him they don’t understand and their unwillingness to just let it go that he slipped up, or their unwillingness to learn what it means in case he slips up again (which he will). I have had some pretty bad experiences with the language barrier. It’s also something I struggled with as well for a few reasons:

1. In some cases people KNEW what I meant and still felt the need to correct me (quite rude.. my husband is a culprit sometimes)
   
2. I’d been speaking “Australian” for about 26 years prior to moving to the US, it’s hard to suddenly stop saying things a certain way, especially when your brain is on other things
   
3. I copped a LOT of flack from Aussie friends for writing “my truck” on a post on FB for becoming “American” and still continue to get it (though it’s a little less now) for any other time I slip up. My family and some friends didn’t want me to change and become “a rude American” (I’m sorry, it really is the stereotype... just like we all ride Kangaroos and have pet koalas).. which leads me to..
   
4. Loss of identity. He’s not only moved county and given up all he knows, but now people will not accept him for him and feel the need to correct him and tell him how he needs to speak when for however many years he spoke just fine.
   
5. I will also add a big complaint is being laughed at. Not laughed WITH, laughed AT. “Oh you said the wrong thing. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”… when you’re trying to do your job that gets old real quick.
   

So he’s been here 6 months. He’s still wearing rose-coloured glasses about home and how things were. He’s remembering the good of home and ignoring the bad because all he see’s in the US right now are the bad in the form of barriers to him living a normal life. Set-backs from how life USED to be. As another poster said – walking outside your house one day and realizing you don’t know how to post a letter… you can’t imagine what that feeling is like. You can try, but you just can’t.

In another of your posts you stated the following (I will write my responses based on my first reaction to your comments so I'm sorry but they're not all nice):

• I'm tempted to take a trip back to Oz once we get his green card, if he still doesn't have a job just to increase his spirits some even though we dont have the money, but I'm worried that might backfire as well, and he wont want to come back.
  So? You've stated if he made you choose (in another post) you would most likely not move to Aus with him so now you're saying he can't stay back in Aus if that's where he feels he needs to be? You're his wife, not his keeper. If he chooses to remain in Aus then that is his choice. I'm not trying to be rude but you can't think it's rational to on the one hand say if he made YOU choose either 'him and Australia' or 'the US' you would "most likely" not choose him, and then on the other hand say that you're scared he will leave YOU if given the choice.
  
• Again, I am so thankful for all he has given up to be here with me, in a million years I could never do what he just did, but sometimes I just want to shake the boy by the shoulders and tell him to wake up.
  Wake up to what? You said your relationship together is good. He's having trouble finding work, he's going through culture shock and is feeling depressed. You want him to "wake up to life"? Or "wake up to how awesome America is"? Because if it's the latter that's a problem. In the beginning the depression and sadness makes every negative thing people say so much worse. I've had people ask me if I was "happy to finally leave Australia" (like Lyn said like Australia is some awful place to live), I've had people ask whether I like Australia or the US better.. knowing I CAN'T say Australia because they get offended (which they have when I didn't know the first time not to say "of course I prefer Australia but I'm not unhappy to be here") so being told "Aren't you SO glad to finally be living in America" is really insulting. Plus, as you said, you wouldn't do it (you clarified later but the theme still stands, you wouldn't have picked leaving your country) so you don't understand the culture shock.
  
• All of my friends and family love him, and since before he got here all I've been hearing is "let me know when you're working so I can take him out.. I want to get together with him bla bla bla" and he knows this, but wont call people back or call them period. Its like he thinks they're hanging out with him for sympathy, which is not the case. He gets along fine with all my friends husbands and likes them, but again.. just wont go that extra step to have more of a friendship with them.
  Not to be rude but did you ever think he doesn't WANT to be friends with them? You don't think it's pathetic that his wife is trying to organise "play dates" for him? You might not mean it that way but you can't force a friendship on him or them. You can help cultivate it by inviting people over for a group dinner and allowing the friendship to grow naturally. Just because they're boys doesn't mean they're going to be friends. It might not even be that he doesn't want to be friends with them but he doesn't have that relationship with them yet so calling them up or whatever is weird and awkward.
  
• I keep putting myself in his shoes mentally,because I know he has just gone through a HUGE change, and although I've never lived out of the country, I did do travel nursing before, so I have moved to a completely new place where I knew NOBODY, not even a significant other, and I got out there and made friends
  Not even a small comparison. It's not that he doesn't know anybody. It's that he knows NOTHING. He doesn't know what food is good. He doesn't have a car to drive or know how to use public transport. He doesn't know what deodorant his favourite is. You simply moved towns. No comparison I'm afraid. I wish I could explain to you what it's like. Your family example is a good one. Your parents are sick and his aren't sure, but imagine ALL your friends, ALL your family over a day away by plane, that's if you could get a plane immediately... Now imagine that your milk tastes wrong, your bread is weird, you can't find your favourite foods, you aren't earning as much money, you don't understand the health care (and even if you have a health insurance plan there's a risk of crazy medical bills that doesn't exist at home), you don't have the same tax system, you don't have a drivers licence (or you're not sure how to get one and you have to learn all new road rules), you can understand what people are saying but they don't understand you and every now and then people will imitate your accent to mock you, or laugh at you for messing up... that's a small insight into what his every day life is like
  
• He wants a job, and depressed he doesn't have a job, but you don't get a job unless you have a good resume (without spelling errors!) and actually send it to company's that are hiring, or get a recruiter.
  This is not the first time you've mentioned the spelling errors. Are you attempting to belittle him or make him feel small and pathetic for having errors? Why mention it so many times? Do you even realise you're doing it? That you're BLAMING him for not finding a job? After all, had there been no spelling errors he would "for sure" have a job by now right? I'm saying this because you might be unintentionally showing a lot of resentment and frustration toward him. Your frustration is clear from your post. It's been fixed now. He isn't perfect. No-one wins when you play the blame game.
  
• I feel like I've tried every single route to get him to do this stuff.. hold his hand, dial the numbers.. write the emails for him, fill out the online applications for him, to the other extreme of like withholding fun things like going out for lunch or on a hike or something until he contacts whoever he needs to contact
  I can't politely express how I felt when I first read your comment about "withholding" things. He most likely already feels like a deadbeat so you even entertaining the idea of controlling him in that manner is not only extremely rude but also very cruel of his spouse to suggest, if you were his mother this sort of control is pretty standard. You are NOT his mother. Stop acting like you are and tossing out ideas of "grounding him" and stop thinking you need to be his mother and hold his hand and walk him though it. If he wants to act like a belligerent child, fine, but don't get into that parent/child relationship with him. I suggest you sit down and talk to him. Talk to him about your frustration. Not at HIM but at the situation. Ask him what he wants you to do. Make an action plan of what needs to be done. Offer your suggestions of what you would do. Tell him about the Mates Up over site (mentioned below) as somewhere he can find resources that we've found and have other people who understand, who have been through it and who can offer suggestions that worked for us. Most of all, remember you are his wife and be his wife, not his keeper.
  
• He is a smart man with a good work ethic and had a great job in Oz, but he just wont put the effort in here.
  He IS putting in effort. Just not where you're looking. He's putting in effort to be happy with you. To not blame you, to give up on your relationship and hop on the next plane back to Australia. I'm not saying that's what he's thinking but he might be, especially on days where it's especially hard and days where you might be fighting with each other
  
• I guess saying I'd never move to Australia in a million years is a bit of an exaggeration, but realistically.. for likely 10-15 years. There was a long list of reasons as to why he moved here vs me moving there, and that was all discussed on our first real trip together when we knew we wanted to pursue a relationship. Aside from financial reasons, my parents are significantly older than his, approaching mid 70's and my father has health problems. My parents won't and simply can't travel, especially a long trip to Australia. Even if they could travel, they wouldn't be able to afford it. His parents just hit 60, they both travel freely (they were both here for a month in April for the wedding celebration) and have the financial freedom to do so. So, I just really couldn't leave my parents at this stage in their lives. I work in healthcare, I am depended on to be there for medical appts etc and decision making. If his parent(s) were to get sick while mine were still alive, I honestly dont know what we would do. We'll cross that bridge if it comes, but for now.. this is where I need to be.
  This is all about priorities. His parents **knock on wood** could die tomorrow in a car accident. Does that make them any more or less important than your parents? Your husband chose YOU over his family. You are choosing your family over HIM and he's also agreed with your choice and in wanting to be with you has left his family. Do I think you should move back right now? No. It takes a while to adjust. For me I relapse every now and then but I think it took about 2 years to not be sad or overwhelmed or angry in some way almost all the time. My father turned 93 in June and I still chose to move here with Tony. Priorities. YOU could travel to the US and visit your family. You could get someone else to go to appointments. There are options. I understand you don't want to explore those options, but don't try and make your family more important than his simply because your parent are older or sicker. His family is still important to him but right now YOU are more important to him.
  
• I always assumed, that all of America had Australians up on this pedestal.. great accents, smart, chasing crocodiles and snakes around in between surf breaks.. you know.. and that's the kind of reaction I had gotten from everyone too when I told them I was marrying an aussie "oh wow! that's sooo cool!" etc etc but in the time he's been here, he's had 2 jobs in restaurants, one only lasted a week or two before they told him it wasn't working out, and the other one is the one hes been in for a few months now, but he really has been experiencing some racism? I guess that's what you would call it.. he had years of bar-tending experience before he got his degree, yet at this place they only keep him as a table runner/barback because of the 'language barrier'.
  Discrimination is what I call it and yes I've been through it as well. Sure there are people who love us, but there are just as many, especially in the beginning when you're so fragile, that seem to come out of the woodwork to be pr*cks.
  

The main theme in a lot of your comments are "my" "I" etc. "my couch", "my dog", "where I need to be". It's all a little self-serving really. I know this post is about him, but it seems to be more about how his mood is affecting you. How can you get a job for him quicker so he stops being such a downer and offending you with his comments about your country. My husband is former military and while I know my comments bothered him (he has since told me) he didn't tell me to "suck it up"... he gave me a hug and an ear so I had at least SOMEONE to vent to. You don't want to vent to your family and have them tell you you made the wrong choice and to come home (it happens).

I suggest he gives "www.meetup.com" a look and sees if there are any groups there. It's incredibly awkward (in my opinion as someone whos done it) to rock up somewhere not knowing anyone to make friends ("pathetic" comes to mind) but I did it. None of the people there were "my kind of people" but I tried. I didn't do that until about a year in though. He will do things at his own pace.

I'm sure a lot of my comments seem harsh. I'm really not trying to make you feel bad about yourself or anything. This situation sucks. You cannot begin to understand it, quite honestly, unless you have moved country and given up everything and have nothing to show for your lifetime to date... BUT I can tell you it will be better. Eventually. All you can do is be a loving a supporting wife. I suggest telling him you're worried about him and asking him what you need to do to make it easier. Most likely he'll tell you nothing because there really is NOTHING you can do to help out. It's something he needs to get through himself, with your support and love of course.

As a side note my husband never pushed me to get a job. He never looked at my resume (or blamed me). The only thing he DID do is tell me he wanted me to be happy. To look until I find something that fits. That I shouldn't have to work a factory job for ####### wages. His support meant, and still does mean, a lot.

There is indeed It’s called “Mates Up Over” and can be found here: http://www.matesupover.com/ and there’s also a FB page here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/21182840752/

I hope my comments help in some way, and I'm sorry for the length!

Your post is excellent, and applies to all who bring their love here!