husband not adjusting well..

[sms78 18]

Op honey... you're a great wife I can tell! Just stop doing everything you're doing for him. Adjusting is difficult, but I think he has problems too. I've been in US for 2 months and it's only been 3 weeks since I got my antique 1994 honda accord. BUT my USC husband is already pressuring me to get a job asap But you see, I'm a great wife with a super optimistic positive attitude. So there is no fight between us. My husband asks me if I'm looking for a job like everyday. I say "yes," but to be honest not really. Nope. I haven't done chilling yet!!

[Moomin 292]

You always say things so eloquently, Moomin.

Thank you Xanax. As long as it's understandable, that's what matters.

[JenniferS 4]

Sorry everyone, just reading all the posts now from the last day..

I guess saying I'd never move to Australia in a million years is a bit of an exaggeration, but realistically.. for likely 10-15 years. There was a long list of reasons as to why he moved here vs me moving there, and that was all discussed on our first real trip together when we knew we wanted to pursue a relationship. Aside from financial reasons, my parents are significantly older than his, approaching mid 70's and my father has health problems. My parents won't and simply can't travel, especially a long trip to Australia. Even if they could travel, they wouldn't be able to afford it. His parents just hit 60, they both travel freely (they were both here for a month in April for the wedding celebration) and have the financial freedom to do so. So, I just really couldn't leave my parents at this stage in their lives. I work in healthcare, I am depended on to be there for medical appts etc and decision making. If his parent(s) were to get sick while mine were still alive, I honestly dont know what we would do. We'll cross that bridge if it comes, but for now.. this is where I need to be. We have even talked about moving due to him not being able to find a job in the area, plus my department closing. We wouldn't be moving out of a 2.5-3 hr drive radius, at most. Aside from my parents health, there were many other factors that went into our decision. Again, I own property here, he was actually living with his parents when I met him, so really had no financial ties. He had already lived in London and Spain in his early 20's, so had the experience of living away from his family. I have a dog, who, although wouldn't be impossible to get to Australia, would be a huge financial burden, plus the thought of having to leave her in quarantine for over a month just makes me sick to my stomach, especially after all the testing and vaccinations she'd have to get before we left. And, yes, in a million years, I would never think of leaving her behind. Let me correct that.. in a trillion bazillion years, I would never leave her behind. She IS my child, and if you had to put your 3 year old child into quarantine and only see them once or twice a week for an hour, you would re think your move to Oz as well. I get it, they don't have rabies there, but the process seems to be a bit of overkill after all the ####### they have to go through before they even get to quarantine. To be perfectly honest, if it wasn't for him saying very early on that he would hands down move here, the relationship would have never progressed. Whether you think its excuses or insecurity or what not, that's my reality. If he were to hand me an ultimatum tomorrow and say either we move to australia, or else.. I am not sure what I would do. I'd first and foremost be upset that he had 2 years of mental preparation of moving here and gave up after 6 months, but I also think there's a pretty good chance I'd pick 'or else.."

But anyway, none of that really matters because I never twisted his arm to come here, he knew my thoughts and situation when we made the decision, and for 2 years we've been happily planning for him to come here, and the issue is his adjustment NOW. Lynjer, you summarized exactly how he feels, what I hear come out of his mouth everyday. Its just funny because before he moved here, I always assumed, that all of America had Australians up on this pedestal.. great accents, smart, chasing crocodiles and snakes around in between surf breaks.. you know.. and that's the kind of reaction I had gotten from everyone too when I told them I was marrying an aussie "oh wow! that's sooo cool!" etc etc but in the time he's been here, he's had 2 jobs in restaurants, one only lasted a week or two before they told him it wasn't working out, and the other one is the one hes been in for a few months now, but he really has been experiencing some racism? I guess that's what you would call it.. he had years of bar-tending experience before he got his degree, yet at this place they only keep him as a table runner/barback because of the 'language barrier'. He feels as though he is treated like he is stupid there, especially when all of the other employees are the equivalent of the frumpy fuglies you've talked about, but he prefers to call them "drunken slutty potheads".. as they all smoke pot the whole shift, drink until 5am after the bar closes and then sleep with each other. He is totally fine with holding a position that is "beneath him" so to speak, we had many talks about that before he moved here, he knew about our economy. Its just the fact that when he accepts a "lesser" position, he's getting knocked down even from that and treated as though he is not good enough for that. Again, I think his lack of a professional job at the moment is partly his fault, he has sent out dozens of applications, but we literally have only gotten 1 email back stating they found a more qualified candidate. I am not sure if it is the economy, or if it was his, sorry babe.. crappy resume that he was originally sending out.

Again, my concern is not where to live, we have already decided that, but just that I feel like I've tried every avenue I know how to get him contacts for a job, get him out of the house meeting people..and I just don't know what to do anymore and I just needed to vent. Maybe this is a normal part of adjustment. I feel like the old saying "You can drag a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink" applies here.. I've given him phone numbers to call for contacts, emails, told him to get a recruiter, a professional to write his resume..sat down for hours helping him etc etc.. I'll pay for it! And just finally, after 6 months.. he's gotten a professional to write the resume,and started making phone calls to recruiters. I've told him so and so wants to get together.. why don't you guys go out for a beer, never calls.. so I've told so and so to just stop by and pick him up! And he ends up having a good time! He has access to my vehicle all day. He could even have it at night if he dropped me off/picked me up. I work 7pm to 7am, we spend a couple hours in the morning together, and then I sleep the rest of the day. and instead of taking advantage of that time and making phone calls etc, he goes back to bed with me. Or looks at cars we can't afford to buy yet. I've been very nice to him about this most of the time. I do occasionally lose my patience, (but not often, I know it is a sensitive subject and I know I need to bite my tongue!) only because I can see that him not having a job is causing this depression he is in, but how does he expect to get a job!?!? I have spent countless hours helping fix up the resume after I noticed the spelling errors, looking for jobs online, looking for recruiters, talking to people for possible leads, etc etc. I have been as supportive as I possibly can. The only thing I have left to do is purchase a male Australian voice over and start making the phone calls myself, on top of working 60 hours a week. Yes, moomin, I think you are right, he resents the situation, not me. We are happily in love aside from this adjustment issue, I just don't think he realizes he is insulting me every time he talks about how Americans are fat and lazy etc etc. Which I have to hear about every single day. I know full well there are things wrong with this country, but I am still proud to be an American and proud to live here. Maybe he just got off on the wrong foot in the country with the type of people he is working with at the restaurant, thinking all Americans want to make lots of money without actually working for it. But, his last night at that job is this weekend.. It was getting more toxic than helpful, and I think he kept thinking it was going to turn into a full time job, although after 4 months of one night a week, you'd think he'd realize it wasn't. Hopefully with this job done and no employment at all, he will be much more motivated with the resume/recruiter.

[Married2009 32]

It took my husband 1 1/2 years to get find a job, and it started out with a temp agency. It wasn't what he wanted to do, but he is working. He ran into people would rather hire citizens, and not have to hassle with the paperwork that goes with hiring an immigrant. The company hired him on full time last month. He should also check to see if your state has a website that he can register with. Ours has one, and it shows the jobs that fit the qualifications entered when the person registered.

By the way - I hear it too - our fruit isn't as good, the traffic is worse, the weather is worse . . . I got tired of hearing this over and over, and finally told him I was amazed that he was still down here, with all the substandard things he had to deal with. After the argument (that the previous comment started) was over, I was able to tell him nicely that it seemed he complained about almost everything. It has gotten better since he is working full time, and out of the house more.

Good luck, and don't give up!!

[Xanax 349]

I really think you need to put yourself in his shoes. There is no way he could have known what life would have been like for him, even if you discussed it a million times!

You wouldn't move for him so at least try to understand why he is unhappy.

There are so many things here in the US which are different and I find myself at times (read: often) complaining and wishing I was home.

No matter what he does, says, doesn't do or doesn't say, he moved for you on your terms and your conditions! He loved you more than he loved himself and risked his happiness. So even if you have to bite your tongue sometimes or redo his resume, nothing you have to put up with is like leaving your family, friends and your life to be transplanted somehwhere seeming almost hostile (from your description at least of his work environment) where you have only 1 friend and know 1 person, no job, etc.

I am not trying to be harsh and I hope I do not come across as such, but coming as an educated person from another first world country may even be a harder adjustment than from a third world or lesser developed country. You expect more and are more dissapointed with the reality of your American situation when it hits.

Again, no matter what, he did this for YOU something you would never have done for him, so that at least deserves some consideration.

----

Edit: maybe ask him what would make him happier, what could he do, what could you do, what could you do together?

If you do this you may have a basis to start from. If he doesn't know, step back, give him time and let him come to his decisions on his own.

Edited August 22, 2012 by Xanax

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I am not trying to be harsh and I hope I do not come across as such, but coming as an educated person from another first world country may even be a harder adjustment than from a third world or lesser developed country. You expect more and are more dissapointed with the reality of your American situation when it hits.

Nearly everyone who posted in this thread is from a western or westernized developed nation.

You are complaining that people think Australia is poor or undeveloped, yet you are assuming the same things about other people. Shame on you.

[ClaireGio 35]

Couldn't agree with the above post any more! My Fiance has made it very clear he will never move to England (even as a transfer to the London office of his engineering firm). He says England has awful weather and we are snobby. Ha ha.

So I plan to move to America, leave my amazing job as a flight attendant with Virgin Atlantic, friends, family - I am planning on doing all of this in the next few months and I am petrified and paranoid of what the future holds.

I REALLY feel for the OPs husband. I've just spent 3 months in the states and not a week went by that we didn't argue about my negativity towards the way things are done over there. Examples - healthy food is so expensive, NBC Olympics was beyond a joke, and basically fed up of hearing people who've never owned a passport that America is indeed the greatest country. Ever. :-/

Try to empathise with him. I wish my partner knew what sacrifice I'm about to make but he doesn't!

I meant I agreed with Xanax! By time I wrote it there was a new above post. Lol

[lynJer 7]

I didnt mean to throw fuglies and never 'bragged' about the AUD. (honestly cant be bothered with answering all the other bitter accusations)

I Was simply speaking to an American who was requesting info for her Aussie Husband....England, Scotland and Israel are all countries that America is used to, and possibly learns about at school.

So, its obviously very different to the situation regarding Australian professionals looking for work here...Most Americans are confused as to where Australia is and if their main Language is even English..

Suggest those that are quick to throw your stones at me put more effort and focus into helping the poster of the topic here rather than bagging others and their situation....

I wasnt asking for your opinions....and Im not a model looking person I was explaining how my daughter had modelled before...I was never bragging about her I was simply describing the situation to acknowledge that yes, there does seem to be a situation that exists where job applicants with experience and education from another country - esp one not well known to Americans - may just be put into the two hard basket.

Lovely to hear about your 'great' experiences but really, bragging how good you are and how great everyone else thinks you are is not what this topic is about and I really dont think you have added much value to the situation at all.....if all you want to do is bag others misfortunes...please find another site...cos I think your just plain nasty!!!

[Fandango 1,440]

OK....this is a topic VERY DEAR TO MY HEART.

Coming from Australia is very different than coming from any other country but we are still considered by a lot of people here that we must be refugee's freeing some war torn country...when in fact, its quite the opposite, we are from the ONLY COUNTRY THAT has escaped the credit crisis.... The only country that is somewhat socialist (meaning we look after our broke and homeless with a HUGE welfare net that lasts forever) and yet we are very capatilist and serious world players amongst the G7. The Aussie Dollar is the 4th most used currency in the world only behind the euro the USD and the Yen. Apart from that there is the home factor, the beautiful beaches/surf/lifestyle etc etc....

Then we have the socialisation of the australian society which is different....for eg. we actually speak a different language and react in different ways....but above all this we are honest, happy and easy going....

Here is like that too, but Americans are not as easy going, nor are they as honest, and happiness is sometimes lost amongst any citizens that live in a country that is gripped by a recession. These are possibly playing with your hubbies mind more than anything else...but consider also we never see our tv shows here, nor our food, nor our humour....etc etc...

Now...lets talk about the job issue...yes no jobs here for australian professionals unfortunately. Sure we can get a job in walmart, a bar job or what we call back home a 'junk job' but for an Australian degree graduate professional, which our Universities and our degrees are classified like that of an oxford style, and arguably much harder to get than one in America, (i had researched this as my daughter is starting uni here) the firms in USA DO NOT RECOGNIZE Australian degree's...in fact, I dont think they even think we have universities and possibly consider them to be nothing but community colleges. (sorry thats harsh but I am caught up in all of this too) Combine this with the many years of professional experience that one has, plus the many years of hard work with climbing the glass ceiling and obtaining seniority in your profession its like getting slapped in the face when you dont even get a call back for a 'shot kicker' job youve applied for. I have also heard that some companies wont hire Australians as they cant be understood on the phone properly, and why bother with the unknown factor when you can choose fimilarity out of the many pool of applicants....I heard that some jobs are getting 500 applicants?

This is a true story....My 18 year old daughter had worked in Oz for 3 years before moving here doing check out chick stuff and barissta waittress...and desperatly wanted work here too...so she applied & applied and applied (about 240 applicants all up)...ALL HER USA school friends were getting jobs left right and centre with out any experience, and honestly they were frumply looking fuglies, compared to my daughter who was an honers student at the school and had modelled before. (I dont mean to brag but Just giving you the full picture of things) She also had amazing grades from USA school and had been thru the private girls school system in australia. Many of her friends at school told her to apply where they got a job 'easily' (macca's food line etc) but no they wouldnt even call her to discuss her application because SHE WAS NOT AN American (that was her assumption not mine)....However, Im now in the same boat as I scrounge daily looking for work.. In Australia I had firms calling and emailing me to come work for them....here its ridiculous....so your new husband will more than likely end up like me 2 years and still cant get a job in my profession or with any other decent company doing something slightly less than my usual position.

MY ADVICE....and its only from my experience and also from others who have had similiar issues coming here from Oz....You may not have work, so before mortgage issues escallate...seriously consider applying for ozzie jobs online, you may be suprised as some companies will pay for your rellocation. Australia is not in a recession and desperately needs workers....it is not unheard of to make 100k each PA I dont know what work you do...but the mines pay well and will provide accomodation for you....

There will always be good stories and there will always be bad stories regarding this but interestingly, I have mainly found bad stories....And lets not get started on the credit score #######....

Tell your hubby to inbox me.....we can whine and be depressed together.....and remind him...he is not alone...where abouts is he from?

Americans are dishonest? I must have missed the memo.

You claim to know about the economy crisis here, yet you think the lack of jobs being thrown at your feet is because you're Australian with some superfly degree which supersedes the American equivalent.

Btw, plurals don't need apostrophes.

[ClaireGio 35]

I do believe being an unskilled foreigner makes it harder. As it does in Any country.

[lynJer 7]

"But anyway, none of that really matters because I never twisted his arm to come here, he knew my thoughts and situation when we made the decision, and for 2 years we've been happily planning for him to come here, and the issue is his adjustment NOW. Lynjer, you summarized exactly how he feels, what I hear come out of his mouth everyday. Its just funny because before he moved here, I always assumed, that all of America had Australians up on this pedestal.. great accents, smart, chasing crocodiles and snakes around in between surf breaks.. you know.. and that's the kind of reaction I had gotten from everyone too when I told them I was marrying an aussie "oh wow! that's sooo cool!" etc etc but in the time he's been here, he's had 2 jobs in restaurants, one only lasted a week or two before they told him it wasn't working out, and the other one is the one hes been in for a few months now, but he really has been experiencing some racism? I guess that's what you would call it.. he had years of bar-tending experience before he got his degree, yet at this place they only keep him as a table runner/barback because of the 'language barrier'. He feels as though he is treated like he is stupid there, especially when all of the other employees are the equivalent of the frumpy fuglies you've talked about, but he prefers to call them "drunken slutty potheads".. as they all smoke pot the whole shift, drink until 5am after the bar closes and then sleep with each other. He is totally fine with holding a position that is "beneath him" so to speak, we had many talks about that before he moved here, he knew about our economy. Its just the fact that when he accepts a "lesser" position, he's getting knocked down even from that and treated as though he is not good enough for that. Again, I think his lack of a professional job at the moment is partly his fault, he has sent out dozens of applications, but we literally have only gotten 1 email back stating they found a more qualified candidate. I am not sure if it is the economy, or if it was his, sorry babe.. crappy resume that he was originally sending out."

Sorry JenniferS....I was dealing with my 'boitchy haters' before I noticed this wonderfully written summing up of the situation your in. Can I ask, did your husband have a bad experience when he got here at all? Did someone get nasty with him? You may not know about it, but it may have occured.....which may explain why he calls all 'fat and lazy' . But my guess is its coming from his mates in Australia, they are not being directly nasty....its more just pub and beer talk....never take it seriously and propably he is talking like this with you cos, he doesnt have any of his mates to talk about this stuff to.

In Australia I was used to people calling me ALL DAY long...business ones and friends/family....now, no one calls but a couple of usa Aussie Girlfriends....All my Australian friends in Australia are asleep during the day....and when I do get calls from them its thru the night or first thing in the morning when they are 'out on the town' or drunk at some party....its fun but it makes me homsick for them too...I would suggest the same is happening for your hubby too...but Aussie blokes dont really know how to use the phone too well....preferring to meet up in the local pub to talk their sh#t. Which is exactly what all Aussies do talk is a lot of Sh*t mixed in with interesting stuff...thats just how we do it....most Americans like it.

I PM you back with some ideas, and more contact details re getting him and u, involved with the rest of us expats. Yes you will be dragged along to the Aussie Grand final nights at the embassy too...but they have great beer/rum etc...

Finally you and He made decisions on where you would like to live or had to live, based on what was right...and you considered others and their feelings in this major decision....like us....but I hope those others are also appreciative of hubby's giving up his life, home, job, lifestyle food, mates, family, etc etc....maybe a word in their ear to just mention something on how they are appreciative cos secretly he may be regretting the decision bc no one understands or appreciates (apart from you) what he did....

Edited August 22, 2012 by lynJer

[Fandango 1,440]

Sorry JenniferS....I was dealing with my 'boitchy haters' before I noticed this wonderfully written summing up of the situation your in.

Everyone here who has disagreed with you based on your scathingly nasty and quite offensive generalizations about Americans. I'm quite sure if the shoe were on the other foot, you'd take umbrage with a negative painting of Australians in general. I'm not so sure how you would take to an American living in Aus, bashing everything and blaming her superiority for her adjustment issues. Not to mention, the people who have disagreed with you have done so quite respectfully. It seems you are the one who has an issue with 'biotchy haters'.

Before implying that Americans in general seem to be xenophobic towards Australians, perhaps you should challenge your own views on Americans, which don't seem all that tolerant, and also seem to be based in jumping to conclusion. But I think that's beyond your abilities at the moment, because being a martyr is probably loads easier.

Btw, countless immigrate to and fro...to think it would be a piece of cake is a bit short sighted. But many do so successfully. Including me back in the day the other way around. Attitude is key, and can make a world of difference. You should try it.

Edited August 22, 2012 by Anita Cocktail

[lynJer 7]

Nearly everyone who posted in this thread is from a western or westernized developed nation.

You are complaining that people think Australia is poor or undeveloped, yet you are assuming the same things about other people. Shame on you.

Are you for real?

You sound like a real ####### the way you are forever picking up on what us australians are saying as we try to assist an american dealing with an australian cultural problem....sure there is the adjustment issue...but only us aussies actually know there is something else...so how about you but out and either deal with the issue of what is at hand by helping the topic from your perspective and try to obtain an answer for JenniferS, or go 'lurk' on someother countries portal so you can go start a fight there.....!!!

I dont mean to be harsh...but obviously you do

[lynJer 7]

Everyone here who has disagreed with you based on your scathingly nasty and quite offensive generalizations about Americans. I'm quite sure if the shoe were on the other foot, you'd take umbrage with a negative painting of Australians in general. I'm not so sure how you would take to an American living in Aus, bashing everything and blaming her superiority for her adjustment issues. Not to mention, the people who have disagreed with you have done so quite respectfully. It seems you are the one who has an issue with 'biotchy haters'.

Before implying that Americans in general seem to be xenophobic towards Australians, perhaps you should challenge your own views on Americans, which don't seem all that tolerant, and also seem to be based in jumping to conclusion. But I think that's beyond your abilities at the moment, because being a martyr is probably loads easier.

Btw, countless immigrate to and fro...to think it would be a piece of cake is a bit short sighted. But many do so successfully. Including me back in the day the other way around. Attitude is key, and can make a world of difference. You should try it.

How dare you send such a scathing attack on me....I never once bashed Americans....I was bashing those that disrespectively decided they knew me in this post more than what I know myself by assuming I think and say things that I did not........including you.

Why dont you focus back on the topic rather than picking on me....

btw....I know a lot of americans living in australia with aussie husbands....and I often assist them to get on with it...I WOULD NEVER ATTACK THEM LIKE YOU ATTACK ME....thank you

[Fandango 1,440]

How dare you send such a scathing attack on me....I never once bashed Americans....I was bashing those that disrespectively decided they knew me in this post more than what I know myself by assuming I think and say things that I did not........including you.

Why dont you focus back on the topic rather than picking on me....

btw....I know a lot of americans living in australia with aussie husbands....and I often assist them to get on with it...I WOULD NEVER ATTACK THEM LIKE YOU ATTACK ME....thank you

You seriously need to relax as it seems you are incapable of having a rational conversation, or to even comprehend what I said. It's clear you misunderstood quite a bit of my post.

And you also need to re-read your posts if you can claim you didn't bash Americans.

Edited August 22, 2012 by Anita Cocktail