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JenniferS

husband not adjusting well..

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Australia
Timeline

So, my now husband moved here from Australia in Feb.. we got married within a couple of days, and are currently still waiting on a K-1 AOS. The 180 days should hopefully be coming to an end within the month..

He's been here 6 months and is just very frustrated with the US and I think he regrets moving here.. hasn't been able to find a job (has had his work authorization since May sometime..) He has a degree, but has only been able to find like barback/bartending shifts once or twice a week. He comments and criticizes nearly EVERYTHING and how much better it is in australia.. traffic laws, customer service, grocery stores.. you name it, he's got something to say about it. On top of it all, one of the big reasons he moved here (although I don't think I would ever move there) is because I had a stable job a mile from my house, which of course I'm upside down in my mortgage on, so I wouldn't have been able to sell without taking a HUGE hit anyway, plus I have a dog, and that would just be another huge expense/complication of getting there. Well.. in a few more months, the department I work in is closing, which means we're looking at a move sometime in the near future anyway, as I'll need to find a job in another hospital, likely not within a reasonable commute. I've been working a ton of overtime (while I still can!), paying off the wedding, and trying to save money, to which he repeatedly tells me "you wouldn't have to work at all if you moved to Australia". I really feel like he just resents me for us making the decision for having him move here. But we didn't have a crystal ball 2 years ago when we made this decision, and we've spent a LOT of money, as you all know.. in order to get him here. I just feel incredibly guilty now. I know and appreciate how much he has given up in order to come here to be with me, but I just wish he would embrace this experience instead of fight it so much. Our relationship otherwise is fine, when I am off from work we spend the time together and get along great.. I just think he gets depressed being home alone so much because I am at work. I just hope he can find a challenging job SOON, I think it will give him a purpose of being here and he'll be happy contributing, make his own friends and not feel like he gave up his world to sit on my couch.

Just needed to vent a little.. anyone else having any adjustment issues?

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
Timeline

I understand how you feels. Your husband still in the process of adjusting. It is more different when you are used to work everyday to just stay at home nothing else to do but some other household chores. I hope he could find a stable job soon so he wont get bored staying at home. I hope and pray that everything will be okay and settled to you both. GOD bless!!

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----------------------------------------

K-1 Journey (I-129F)

09/10/2010 ----- Filing date of I-129 F

09/22/2010 ----- NOA 1

02/22/2011 ----- Case being adjudicated

02/28/2011 ----- RFE, Waiver to file 2nd K-1 petition

03/04/2011 ----- RFE reply sent

03/08/2011 ----- RFE received and being reviewed at USCIS

03/17/2011 ----- NOA2 (I-129F approved)

03/23/2011 ----- NOA2 hard copy received

03/29/2011 ----- NVC received our Case

04/04/2011 ----- NVC letter received and case forwarded to US embassy Manila

04/08/2011 ----- US Embassy Manila received our case (Consulate)

04/15/2011 ----- Paid VISA at BPI

04/16/2011 ----- Received Eligibility Letter from US Embassy Manila dated April 8, 2011

04/25/2011 ----- 1st day of Medical

04/26/2011 ----- 2nd day of Medical (I PASSED!! Thank you Lord!!)

05/13/2011 ----- Interview (221g - Case under Administrative Processing "AP")

08/12/2011 ----- Received an email from the embassy "Case is pending review by a consular officer"

----------------------------------------

My blog: All about my writings and essays

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Hi there, this post caught my eye because of where he is from. It is different in Australia to being here. I have found some pluses and some minuses. I have been here since mid-march, so about the same timeline. My daughter came with me too. It was only 2 weeks ago that she started to feel happy about living here. It's only been this past week or so that I have been able to start feeling more like this is my home. And we both REALLY wanted to live here, with my husband. So I suspect some of the feelings he is having is part of the adjustment to not being home anymore. I still see people in the street/shops and think 'Oh there's ----' then realise that it is not, I am in America now and they are in Aus. There are so many little things to miss, so many wonderful things about my old home in beautiful Tasmania, overlooking a gorgeous valley. It takes time to let go. I have been surprised at how high the cost of living is here, yet how low the wages are. In Australia I always had enough to live on and play with, here we are having to tighten our belts. Some of the laws and regulations here are bizarre, and same goes for Australia, we do some really stupid things sometimes.

I still don't have my EAD card, so I haven't been able to work at all yet, or even look. Instead I have been doing some volunteer work at places that need help in helping others but never have enough money to pay for it. The advantage of this is that it gets me out of the house, around people and someday it may lead to a job. Word gets around and half the time getting a job is about who you know...so maybe your loved one could get out and find somewhere to volunteer, and get to know and be known. At least while he's looking for work. It's looks heaps better on a resume as well.

My thoughts are with you :star:

AOS Timeline
Filed 15th June, 2012
NOA date 18th June
Bio appt 20th July
Transferred to CSC 21st July, 2012
EAD/AP approved 27th August.
Received Green Card 6th October. No Interview. Amazing!
Thanks for all the help, see you again in June 2014

ROC Timeline

Mailed Package 30th June 2014

I-797 received 5th July, 2014

Biometrics Appointment 07/30/2014.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ireland
Timeline

*** Moving from AOS process to Moving here and your New Life forum as not immigration process elated ****

Bye: Penguin

Me: Irish/ Swiss citizen, and now naturalised US citizen. Husband: USC; twin babies born Feb 08 in Ireland and a daughter in Feb 2010 in Arkansas who are all joint Irish/ USC. Did DCF (IR1) in 6 weeks via the Dublin, Ireland embassy and now living in Arkansas.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Australia
Timeline

@ Chippys girl - Yes Tasmania is beautiful!! We got to explore a little there last September on my trip to Oz, I loved freycinet and Cradle Mtn! I hope my husband starts to feel like this is 'home' soon too. I'm tempted to take a trip back to Oz once we get his green card, if he still doesn't have a job just to increase his spirits some even though we dont have the money, but I'm worried that might backfire as well, and he wont want to come back. Prior to him coming here, he really wanted to live here as well.. he had traveled here to see me like 4 or 5 times before we got married, but I think he just thought it would continue to be like vacation, as we would always take trips to different spots when he came and vice versa, but we also both had well paying jobs, now living on just one salary. I think he also thought it would be much easier to find a job, although I do think its partly his fault for lack of motivation/not spell checking his resume. Again, I am so thankful for all he has given up to be here with me, in a million years I could never do what he just did, but sometimes I just want to shake the boy by the shoulders and tell him to wake up. He just gets too resistant and hypocritical at times.. like for instance, I'm sure you may have noticed we have a problem with illegal immigrants here, (same with immigrants in Australia) which, don't speak english.. he gets very frustrated by this, and so do I.. especially when you go through the process we have already gone through and are still going through, and wants to talk about how they need to adapt to a different society etc etc and then.. I know its silly, but this is just one example of many.. but he would come home from his bar/restaurant work and complain that a customer got upset with him because he asked if they wanted tomato sauce and didn't know what that was.. since we call it ketchup here, and he KNOWS its called ketchup here, but its like he refuses to call it ketchup and he thinks hes going to change all of america to say things the way he says it in australia, but thinks every other nationality needs to conform to american ways when they are here.

I don't see him doing any volunteer work. He doesnt even use the gym membership I have for him. He just quit the one job he had that was one night a week because he would have to work until 4am or so and that would screw up his whole week with sleep, so he wouldn't be able to do anything during the daytime as far as job searching. I wish he would, but again he's just so resistant. All of my friends and family love him, and since before he got here all I've been hearing is "let me know when you're working so I can take him out.. I want to get together with him bla bla bla" and he knows this, but wont call people back or call them period. Its like he thinks they're hanging out with him for sympathy, which is not the case. He gets along fine with all my friends husbands and likes them, but again.. just wont go that extra step to have more of a friendship with them. I keep putting myself in his shoes mentally,because I know he has just gone through a HUGE change, and although I've never lived out of the country, I did do travel nursing before, so I have moved to a completely new place where I knew NOBODY, not even a significant other, and I got out there and made friends. I just feel like he is in this downward spiral that I don't know how to get him out of. I know nothing will ever replace his friends at home, but he does nothing to make new friends. He wants a job, and depressed he doesn't have a job, but you don't get a job unless you have a good resume (without spelling errors!) and actually send it to company's that are hiring, or get a recruiter. But everyday that goes by, he puts in a 25% effort, maybe calls one recruiter and doesn't leave a message, FINALLY after 6 months got a professional to help write a proper resume. I've been asking around to everyone.. got contacts for him to call about potential jobs in logistics like what he did in Oz, but doesn't call. He spends all his spare time looking at cars he wants to buy, but we can't get a second car until he gets a job. I feel like I've tried every single route to get him to do this stuff.. hold his hand, dial the numbers.. write the emails for him, fill out the online applications for him, to the other extreme of like withholding fun things like going out for lunch or on a hike or something until he contacts whoever he needs to contact. He is a smart man with a good work ethic and had a great job in Oz, but he just wont put the effort in here. I just hope he gets over this hump soon!! I guess I wasn't done venting.. lol

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Having adjustment is normal, but it sounds like his self-esteem has taken a big hit because he isn't working. Especially if you are working so much, his new wife, I am sure he feels bad sitting at home while you work overtime.

Adjustment is hard, and maybe he needs some time, but refusing to call ketchup ketchup is rather infantile, to me. But that's just a symptom of a larger problem.

I would work on getting him out of the house. He is having a hard time finding work because it seems like he's not trying. It took him 6 months to get a decent resume? That's 6 months wasted. But berating him about not trying hard won't help. Can he volunteer somewhere? Build a shed? Fix the house in any way? Having that sense of accomplishment is very important. If he could take on a small project (while still looking for real work) I think he would feel a lot better.

I told my husband when he was looking for a job, that looking for work sucks. You will get rejected, and it hurts. You might get rejected a lot. But that is how it is. You only need one offer to get a job; you just need one. So you make peace with that fact and you send out your resume. You can't look for one job at a time, because you waste time. I think that helped mitigate the feeling of rejection in a new place, and he found a job after a month.

Just a few ideas. Do know that it's normal, but also know that I think it's important to put energy into changing it. I don't think he is at a point to change it on his own right now, so a little help will go a long way. Good luck.

Edited by Harpa Timsah

AOS for my husband
8/17/10: INTERVIEW DAY (day 123) APPROVED!!

ROC:
5/23/12: Sent out package
2/06/13: APPROVED!

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Australia
Timeline

OK....this is a topic VERY DEAR TO MY HEART.

Coming from Australia is very different than coming from any other country but we are still considered by a lot of people here that we must be refugee's freeing some war torn country...when in fact, its quite the opposite, we are from the ONLY COUNTRY THAT has escaped the credit crisis.... The only country that is somewhat socialist (meaning we look after our broke and homeless with a HUGE welfare net that lasts forever) and yet we are very capatilist and serious world players amongst the G7. The Aussie Dollar is the 4th most used currency in the world only behind the euro the USD and the Yen. Apart from that there is the home factor, the beautiful beaches/surf/lifestyle etc etc....

Then we have the socialisation of the australian society which is different....for eg. we actually speak a different language and react in different ways....but above all this we are honest, happy and easy going....

Here is like that too, but Americans are not as easy going, nor are they as honest, and happiness is sometimes lost amongst any citizens that live in a country that is gripped by a recession. These are possibly playing with your hubbies mind more than anything else...but consider also we never see our tv shows here, nor our food, nor our humour....etc etc...

Now...lets talk about the job issue...yes no jobs here for australian professionals unfortunately. Sure we can get a job in walmart, a bar job or what we call back home a 'junk job' but for an Australian degree graduate professional, which our Universities and our degrees are classified like that of an oxford style, and arguably much harder to get than one in America, (i had researched this as my daughter is starting uni here) the firms in USA DO NOT RECOGNIZE Australian degree's...in fact, I dont think they even think we have universities and possibly consider them to be nothing but community colleges. (sorry thats harsh but I am caught up in all of this too) Combine this with the many years of professional experience that one has, plus the many years of hard work with climbing the glass ceiling and obtaining seniority in your profession its like getting slapped in the face when you dont even get a call back for a 'shot kicker' job youve applied for. I have also heard that some companies wont hire Australians as they cant be understood on the phone properly, and why bother with the unknown factor when you can choose fimilarity out of the many pool of applicants....I heard that some jobs are getting 500 applicants? :bonk:

This is a true story....My 18 year old daughter had worked in Oz for 3 years before moving here doing check out chick stuff and barissta waittress...and desperatly wanted work here too...so she applied & applied and applied (about 240 applicants all up)...ALL HER USA school friends were getting jobs left right and centre with out any experience, and honestly they were frumply looking fuglies, compared to my daughter who was an honers student at the school and had modelled before. (I dont mean to brag but Just giving you the full picture of things) She also had amazing grades from USA school and had been thru the private girls school system in australia. Many of her friends at school told her to apply where they got a job 'easily' (macca's food line etc) but no they wouldnt even call her to discuss her application because SHE WAS NOT AN American (that was her assumption not mine)....However, Im now in the same boat as I scrounge daily looking for work.. In Australia I had firms calling and emailing me to come work for them....here its ridiculous....so your new husband will more than likely end up like me 2 years and still cant get a job in my profession or with any other decent company doing something slightly less than my usual position.

MY ADVICE....and its only from my experience and also from others who have had similiar issues coming here from Oz....You may not have work, so before mortgage issues escallate...seriously consider applying for ozzie jobs online, you may be suprised as some companies will pay for your rellocation. Australia is not in a recession and desperately needs workers....it is not unheard of to make 100k each PA I dont know what work you do...but the mines pay well and will provide accomodation for you....

There will always be good stories and there will always be bad stories regarding this but interestingly, I have mainly found bad stories....And lets not get started on the credit score #######.... :blush:

Tell your hubby to inbox me.....we can whine and be depressed together.....and remind him...he is not alone...where abouts is he from?

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Australia
Timeline

I agree with Rebecca Jo and Lynjer (apart from the fuglies comment).

And when he does get a job, he will probably resent the pay too...

Australia is very different from the US and we ( husband and I) honestly wish we lived there.

It seems you based you moving decisions on your monetary factors and your husband didn't really realize what the US would be like for him, maybe he didn't realize the difference between the economic climate or the food or...

For me, the food sucks, the ability to get a job is horrible, people don't understand my "accent" there are so many things I liked better in Australia.

Why would you not consider living there? Was it fair to ask your then fiance to move countries and from a country which is considerably better off (no recession) when you would not?

I think you need to put yourself in his shoes. Maybe you could try Australia for a year or at least try to understand where he is coming from. Now that you no longer have a job, it may be the opportune time to look at Australia!

Edited by Xanax

We became a couple : 2011-05-29
I visited him : 2011-10-28 - 2011-11-17
He visited me (and my crazy family) : 2012-02-05 - 2012-02-17
I-129F Sent : 2012-02-05
I-129F NOA1 : 2012-02-14
I entered on VWP to stay 3 months: 2012-04-11 - 2012-07-03
---
Went to get my medical done for interview in Australia (much cheaper in the US and I was already here):2012-05-20
Medical issue diagnosed
K-1 petition cancellation request sent to CSC : 2012-06-01
Married: 2012-06-21
Filed for AOS : 2012-08-08
NOA1 : 2012-08-10
Biometrics : 2012-09-14
EAD approved : 2012-10-16
Applied for SSN : 2012-11-01
Received SSN : 2012-11-13
Received interview notice :2012-12-27
Interview- APPROVED :2013-01-28
Green card received :2013-02-04
Baby girl born :2013-03-09

Filed for ROC :2014-12-05
NOA :2014-12-11
Biometrics : 2015-01-15

ROC Approval : 2015-05-14

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OK....this is a topic VERY DEAR TO MY HEART.

Coming from Australia is very different than coming from any other country but we are still considered by a lot of people here that we must be refugee's freeing some war torn country...when in fact, its quite the opposite, we are from the ONLY COUNTRY THAT has escaped the credit crisis.... The only country that is somewhat socialist (meaning we look after our broke and homeless with a HUGE welfare net that lasts forever) and yet we are very capatilist and serious world players amongst the G7. The Aussie Dollar is the 4th most used currency in the world only behind the euro the USD and the Yen. Apart from that there is the home factor, the beautiful beaches/surf/lifestyle etc etc....

Then we have the socialisation of the australian society which is different....for eg. we actually speak a different language and react in different ways....but above all this we are honest, happy and easy going....

Here is like that too, but Americans are not as easy going, nor are they as honest, and happiness is sometimes lost amongst any citizens that live in a country that is gripped by a recession. These are possibly playing with your hubbies mind more than anything else...but consider also we never see our tv shows here, nor our food, nor our humour....etc etc...

Now...lets talk about the job issue...yes no jobs here for australian professionals unfortunately. Sure we can get a job in walmart, a bar job or what we call back home a 'junk job' but for an Australian degree graduate professional, which our Universities and our degrees are classified like that of an oxford style, and arguably much harder to get than one in America, (i had researched this as my daughter is starting uni here) the firms in USA DO NOT RECOGNIZE Australian degree's...in fact, I dont think they even think we have universities and possibly consider them to be nothing but community colleges. (sorry thats harsh but I am caught up in all of this too) Combine this with the many years of professional experience that one has, plus the many years of hard work with climbing the glass ceiling and obtaining seniority in your profession its like getting slapped in the face when you dont even get a call back for a 'shot kicker' job youve applied for. I have also heard that some companies wont hire Australians as they cant be understood on the phone properly, and why bother with the unknown factor when you can choose fimilarity out of the many pool of applicants....I heard that some jobs are getting 500 applicants? :bonk:

This is a true story....My 18 year old daughter had worked in Oz for 3 years before moving here doing check out chick stuff and barissta waittress...and desperatly wanted work here too...so she applied & applied and applied (about 240 applicants all up)...ALL HER USA school friends were getting jobs left right and centre with out any experience, and honestly they were frumply looking fuglies, compared to my daughter who was an honers student at the school and had modelled before. (I dont mean to brag but Just giving you the full picture of things) She also had amazing grades from USA school and had been thru the private girls school system in australia. Many of her friends at school told her to apply where they got a job 'easily' (macca's food line etc) but no they wouldnt even call her to discuss her application because SHE WAS NOT AN American (that was her assumption not mine)....However, Im now in the same boat as I scrounge daily looking for work.. In Australia I had firms calling and emailing me to come work for them....here its ridiculous....so your new husband will more than likely end up like me 2 years and still cant get a job in my profession or with any other decent company doing something slightly less than my usual position.

MY ADVICE....and its only from my experience and also from others who have had similiar issues coming here from Oz....You may not have work, so before mortgage issues escallate...seriously consider applying for ozzie jobs online, you may be suprised as some companies will pay for your rellocation. Australia is not in a recession and desperately needs workers....it is not unheard of to make 100k each PA I dont know what work you do...but the mines pay well and will provide accomodation for you....

There will always be good stories and there will always be bad stories regarding this but interestingly, I have mainly found bad stories....And lets not get started on the credit score #######.... :blush:

Tell your hubby to inbox me.....we can whine and be depressed together.....and remind him...he is not alone...where abouts is he from?

I've boldened the parts of your post that I think are - well - silly. And responded accordingly to them.

The UK is pretty socialized. It has the only truly socialized healthcare system in the world.

I wouldn't brag about a currency based upon it's usage in the world. Especially if that ranking is behind the Euro, which is in the dumper.

Everybody who is foreign born to the US speaks a different language and reacts in different ways than an American.

I call bull$hit on US firms not recognizing Australian degrees. Maybe you need to have your degree translated to US standards by using a professional service? That helps a lot for anyone who is foreign born.

And as for the rest - well I think that's silly also. My husband moved to one of the most backward and economically depressed parts of the US. He was from the second largest city in his country and he had some of those weird foreign credentials. He found work in his field. (Hated it and ended up with another career that he loves, but hey whatever).

What is your challenge?

Our journey together on this earth has come to an end.

I will see you one day again, my love.

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Denmark
Timeline

It usually gets a bit better after finding work and network however I agree with Rebecca Jo. It was really a pain to pay almost the same to get my dog with me to the US but not impossible. I mean, if you had kids that you couldn't just take with you, it's a different story. But hardly anything is practical about this when seeing it from your husband's pespective.

Embracing an experience is easier said than done when there is not much to experience. Can he get around, or is he limited to staying in home until you get home? I am sure he's thrilled to be with you finally but you are away from each other for many hours of the day.

It's not you he resents but the situation(IMO) and none of you will have the upper hand in where it's best to live because you're from 2 different cultures and there's a sacrifice either way. Instead of disposing of the idea of moving to Aus, maybe play around a bit with the throught of it and hear your husband out. It doesn't have to be now or in the next year but at least don't rule out the idea because the fact is that it IS possible for you both to move.

It's a whole new world to him and requres a bunch of patience from you but also from him. Starting all over, with job, credit score, getting around and networking. I think half of the venting has its roots in being insecure and frustrated about starting over and feeling like a kid who depends on their parents. The same reason why you'd use mortgage and dog as an excuse not to start over and move to a different country.

I'm not trying tomake it sound as if you did anything wrong because you didn't. You're reaching out and I applause that.

K1 process, October 2010 > POE, July 2011

I-129F approved in 180 days from NOA1 date. (195 days from filing to NOA2 in hand)

Interview took 224 days from I-129F NOA1 date. (241 days from filing petition until visa in hand)

From filing I-129F petition until POE: 285 days

Click timeline or "about me" for all details.

AOS process, December 2011 > July 2012

EAD/AP Approval took 51 days from NOA1 date to email update. (77 days from filing until EAD/AP in hand)

AOS Approval took 206 days from NOA1 date to email update. (231 days from filing until greencard in hand)

From filing I-129F petition until greencard in hand: 655 days

Click timeline or "about me" for all details.

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Australia
Timeline

You always say things so eloquently, Moomin. :)

We became a couple : 2011-05-29
I visited him : 2011-10-28 - 2011-11-17
He visited me (and my crazy family) : 2012-02-05 - 2012-02-17
I-129F Sent : 2012-02-05
I-129F NOA1 : 2012-02-14
I entered on VWP to stay 3 months: 2012-04-11 - 2012-07-03
---
Went to get my medical done for interview in Australia (much cheaper in the US and I was already here):2012-05-20
Medical issue diagnosed
K-1 petition cancellation request sent to CSC : 2012-06-01
Married: 2012-06-21
Filed for AOS : 2012-08-08
NOA1 : 2012-08-10
Biometrics : 2012-09-14
EAD approved : 2012-10-16
Applied for SSN : 2012-11-01
Received SSN : 2012-11-13
Received interview notice :2012-12-27
Interview- APPROVED :2013-01-28
Green card received :2013-02-04
Baby girl born :2013-03-09

Filed for ROC :2014-12-05
NOA :2014-12-11
Biometrics : 2015-01-15

ROC Approval : 2015-05-14

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You know how you make "immigration" friends when you go through this process? I remember talking to one such friend who had moved from England to Ohio. She talked about the feeling of walking outside the door one day and not even knowing how to post a letter. I thought it was a telling emotion - just one bit of how it must feel to move far away from all one has ever known.

My husband was the one who immigrated instead of me. I was the one with a kid. The first time I ever talked to my husband on the phone (after getting to know him online) I told him I was "planted" here. That was our reality and that's how we made our decision.

After getting to know more about his country, and visiting there more often, I started to take a liking to it. I made mental lists of positives and negatives for his country and for mine. The positives in his country's column were getting longer. Meanwhile my son was growing up. My husband and I talked more often about moving - even talked about it to friends and family. Friends said "do it - life is short - go be happy". Family snarled - both sides of the pond. I continued to play the game with myself of wondering if I could part with a lifetime accumulation of furniture and other possessions and start fresh somewhere thousands of miles away. Could I really do it, even with the boy gone?

My husband had a sudden medical emergency a few months ago. It was a really bad patch and we didn't know how he would come out. I knew when my husband moved here (and it still remains true)that some of the best experts for his chronic medical condition are in his home country. While driving to the hospital one day, in a blinding flash of clarity, I realized that my house, my car and my furniture were REALLY, honestly and truly, just the inanimate objects I'd been guessing they were. And that if I had to sell it all to get a happy life with a healthy husband, then put the sign in the yard because I'm so there.

Bring it on. I'm going wherever the good times are.

Our journey together on this earth has come to an end.

I will see you one day again, my love.

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