What to do?

[MangoAve 25]

As one posted... in the Philippines two guys who are friends can hold hands and walk down the street and not be bayot. But Just because the OP may not know tagalog, there is no custom for telling a long time friend that you love them, which is specific to the Philippines.

For what Mimi said... it may be a Filipino point of view. She is right on some points like her closing down and being quiet and won't talk about it. I don't want to put any thoughts into your mind, but do you know if she was seeing the ex while she was there waiting for the K1, prior to the interview? Right now, it's only emotionally cheating. I'm not justifying it. You can't love two people. I wouldn't say take the internet away from her, but the only way she can let go of her past is by not being a part of it. If she's gonna keep talking to him, the feelings will still stay as strong. I agree with another poster about the feelings for a first love that remain, but they aren't prevalent when you dont speak to the person. If it truely is full-on cheating, get out. She is not matured enough to know what she wants. I would see the lying/denying as another red flag. She is supposed to be trustworth. And if it comes to where she realizes what she had and what she gave up, just push yourself to move on. There are plenty. Only you can make the choice.

To go against another thing Mimi said, what you found you have evidence to show she did not enter into the marriage under good faith. Save it, and anything else. So her trying to file I-751 alone, it would be denied and therefore no divorce will let her have 50% or even stay.

[LSnBigBear 61]

I was played by my ex Filipina GF for 5 years as she was in love with the father of her kids. We lived together two times in the Phils. I gave her second and third chances but all in all she cheated more than one time. I have zero sympathy for people that do this so I would sit her down and talk with her firmly and try to get her to crack under cross examination to see if she is telling you the truth. In general the Filipinos can be convincing when lying but spin in many ways to get her true feelings. I would let her know that she loses her computer privledges at minimum if you have the heart to work it out. But keep in mind taking away her computer is not the answer. If she loves him she will find a way to stay in touch. My guess is her heart is there and she is here for the better life only.. If you're not careful extending this or ignoring will cost you more as she becomes more accustomed to the American way of life. Counseling will not help if she is truely in love with another person. I am only a fan of counseling if both parties agree to having a problem and want to resolve. Her loving someone else is an emotional bond that counseling will not help with long term.. Sorry to hear you're going through this. Good luck

[LSnBigBear 61]

Aaggghhhh that's why I hate "EX's"

I bet her exbf trying to chase her now because he knew she’s here in the US...

Be honest with your wife. Tell her what you find out. But be calm. Are you sure she told him she loves him like the way you’re thinking? Hhhmmm I’m pretty sure they speak Tagalog...do you understand Tagalog? Maybe she meant to say she loves him as a friend...

Please don't be negative about this situation. don't let your relationship get ruin just because of an "ex"...speaking for my own experience if you guys both love each other...you guys should do give and take.....if she loves you she will try her best to stay away from that guys esp. If you told her how you feel and your been threaten that you might lost her because of him...or the other way around if you love her...if she just being friends I guess try to be more open minded. I know it's hard. but what the heck that guy will do his all the way in pinas lol I mean let just put it this way your here w/her....so do the best thing to keep the marriage working...and this all depend on how you will handle this situation. But remember if you end losing it...at the end you’re the one will look bad after all. Get the point... (Try using reverse psychology...lol)

I like what Takis pointed out . Alot of times in the Philippines the ex BF did or does not want her until she found/finds vsomeone else. And in this case she found an American. He may be playing her for financial support as I think about this more. Nevertheless she is caught with her hand in the cookie jar for sure. As I posted a few page down I am like many and have ZERO tolerance. SOrry you're going through this..

[Fight for Love 98]

I like what Takis pointed out . Alot of times in the Philippines the ex BF did or does not want her until she found/finds vsomeone else. And in this case she found an American. He may be playing her for financial support as I think about this more. Nevertheless she is caught with her hand in the cookie jar for sure. As I posted a few page down I am like many and have ZERO tolerance. SOrry you're going through this..

Thanks for agreeing w/me:blush:

For those commenters that share their nightmare with some Filipina/cheater or whatever you call your ex/s lol REMEMBER all people are not the same. So please STOP putting such thing in OP's head. He already is suffering emotionally. But it doesn't mean what he thinks is, what supposed to be? Sometimes our mind play trick on us....it does trust me...sometime jealousy control are mind...and we become blinded from the truth. We become more aggressive.

If I were the OP I will let her continue be friends w/him. It does sound crazy but like the saying the more you try to hold on things the more you actually lost it. You cannot call someone a cheater until you found him/her having sex w/someone else. (That’s for my point of view)

We cannot judge her until we know her side and know the truth about her saying the words “I love u” to an ex/s.

I will never advice OP to do something that he might regret later on. His story and his happy ending don’t depend in the experience of other’s here. Everyone has different ending.

[MuDelphi 159]

Dude's wife literally said she loved her old boyfriend. Why can't anyone seem to understand the gravity of that?

[Mogambi 96]

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment too. Which is NOT to say he should stay with her, forgive her. That decision will be his own and a very important and personal one.

But the fact is, NONE of us here really know what is going on. We don't know the exact context it was said, we don't know what the OP's relationship is with his wife.

And I love how everyone here immediately jumps on the '100% truth' bandwagon. Are you all telling me that not ONE of you has secrets from your spouse, or fiancé? BS. She's also chatting with him remotely. And as much as there is clearly something going on, there are all kinds of 'cheating' and if you are saying that you would never ever forgive such a mistake, well, then maybe you don't really know what it is to love someone. People screw up. She might be terrified in her new place, she might be grasping for anything familiar. Maybe she's 100% miserable here and making contact with her ex was the only thing that kept her sane. None of this forgives her for deceiving her husband and 'cheating', but it's possible that she loves him too, and if he truly loves her, there might be ways to move past this, make their relationship stronger etc.

I love how everyone is on their high-horse here being so black and white. Give me a break.

If I found out my fiancé was cheating on me, the first thing I would do is to assess the situation, not take some ridiculous moral high-ground stand. I'd say 'do I still love her, and does she still love me, and is it still what we both want to try and work it out and stay together'. That's what love it. Not some checklist of do's and don'ts, that result in instant failure. Cheating is creating? No. It's not. There are all kinds of shades of gray. Again. I'm not defending her. Since I don't know what it was 'exactly' she did.

I promise you, by some definition, many people here are 'cheating' or being 'cheated on'. Either by innocuously flirting with some girl at work, exchanging text messages some someone slightly inappropriately, etc.

So first thing, figure out what is going on. Then figure out if what she did is something you could work with, around, forgive, and if it makes sense to try.

All these people shouting out 'put her on a plane'. Not ONE of them is in YOUR situation, and it's very easy to throw rocks from the sidelines.

But look out for yourself for sure. But if you love her, look out for her too. If in the end, I knew that my fiancé was in love with someone else, and it was going to truly make her happier than being with me, I would give her my best wishes and still want to keep her in my life. That's because I love her, and will still love her even if she's far from perfect. Even if she cheated on me. Not saying i'd stay together for sure. But my first reaction would not be 'kick her out'.

Guess that's just me.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Mogambi

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Guess that's just me.

Well...It's good you recognize that.

Love is not marriage.

Just bcoz a person loves another...does not always green light marriage. Much more to the marriage equation.

Edited August 15, 2012 by Crashed~N2~Me

[actob99 156]

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment too. Which is NOT to say he should stay with her, forgive her. That decision will be his own and a very important and personal one.

But the fact is, NONE of us here really know what is going on. We don't know the exact context it was said, we don't know what the OP's relationship is with his wife.

And I love how everyone here immediately jumps on the '100% truth' bandwagon. Are you all telling me that not ONE of you has secrets from your spouse, or fiancé? BS. She's also chatting with him remotely. And as much as there is clearly something going on, there are all kinds of 'cheating' and if you are saying that you would never ever forgive such a mistake, well, then maybe you don't really know what it is to love someone. People screw up. She might be terrified in her new place, she might be grasping for anything familiar. Maybe she's 100% miserable here and making contact with her ex was the only thing that kept her sane. None of this forgives her for deceiving her husband and 'cheating', but it's possible that she loves him too, and if he truly loves her, there might be ways to move past this, make their relationship stronger etc.

I love how everyone is on their high-horse here being so black and white. Give me a break.

If I found out my fiancé was cheating on me, the first thing I would do is to assess the situation, not take some ridiculous moral high-ground stand. I'd say 'do I still love her, and does she still love me, and is it still what we both want to try and work it out and stay together'. That's what love it. Not some checklist of do's and don'ts, that result in instant failure. Cheating is creating? No. It's not. There are all kinds of shades of gray. Again. I'm not defending her. Since I don't know what it was 'exactly' she did.

I promise you, by some definition, many people here are 'cheating' or being 'cheated on'. Either by innocuously flirting with some girl at work, exchanging text messages some someone slightly inappropriately, etc.

So first thing, figure out what is going on. Then figure out if what she did is something you could work with, around, forgive, and if it makes sense to try.

All these people shouting out 'put her on a plane'. Not ONE of them is in YOUR situation, and it's very easy to throw rocks from the sidelines.

But look out for yourself for sure. But if you love her, look out for her too. If in the end, I knew that my fiancé was in love with someone else, and it was going to truly make her happier than being with me, I would give her my best wishes and still want to keep her in my life. That's because I love her, and will still love her even if she's far from perfect. Even if she cheated on me. Not saying i'd stay together for sure. But my first reaction would not be 'kick her out'.

Guess that's just me.

The OP put a post on a visa website for the world to see and asking advice. So he should expect to get all viewpoints.

These types of posts typically pop up from time to time and then the OP disappears. And a couple members pop in, like "Junior", so who is to say it wasn't for a laugh.

Aren't you calling the kettle black by saying most of us are cheaters or are getting cheated on? WHat is your definition of cheating? I think they call it 'flirting' and not cheating for that fact.

This posting was just asking for advice from people who cared to answer. Now you made it a post about bashing "most of the members" because we are cheaters?????

[Fight for Love 98]

I know it's none of my business. But I hope the OP won't mind to copy and paste the conversation here so that we could translate the language for him and maybe there's something in that line that will totally explained why she said that words to her exbf.

But of Couse that his privacy lol

Hhhmmm I will NOT judge her until I know the full story...that's TOTALLY WRONG

To begin with if you guys had a bad experience with an ex's being a cheated. Your ex's sin has nothing to do with OP's wifey. So don't let the other person suffer just because you guys didn't end up with happy ending that is insane.

Edited August 15, 2012 by takis

[duriantaste 44]

You're kidding, right?

He should buy her flowers and be sorry, because she's cheating on him? Unbelievable.

I'd say RUN! As far and fast as you can.

Cheating? She is here and he is over there in PI. C'om dude. Let that girl have some fun. Who knows if she just still trying to adjust in this country?

I think he needs to apologize to her and buy her flowers if she refuses to accept the apology.

I think he is over reacting. My opinion.

[duriantaste 44]

I was played by my ex Filipina GF for 5 years as she was in love with the father of her kids. We lived together two times in the Phils. I gave her second and third chances but all in all she cheated more than one time. I have zero sympathy for people that do this so I would sit her down and talk with her firmly and try to get her to crack under cross examination to see if she is telling you the truth. In general the Filipinos can be convincing when lying but spin in many ways to get her true feelings. I would let her know that she loses her computer privledges at minimum if you have the heart to work it out. But keep in mind taking away her computer is not the answer. If she loves him she will find a way to stay in touch. My guess is her heart is there and she is here for the better life only.. If you're not careful extending this or ignoring will cost you more as she becomes more accustomed to the American way of life. Counseling will not help if she is truely in love with another person. I am only a fan of counseling if both parties agree to having a problem and want to resolve. Her loving someone else is an emotional bond that counseling will not help with long term.. Sorry to hear you're going through this. Good luck

Well, Well, okay.! What if she loves her ex but doesn't act on it? Did you hear it is not a sin to be gay as long that the person will not act on it? Hey no body can dictate what her heart feels. If she is in love with her ex be it as long that she is not acting on it. It is not a sin to love. I do sense that she respects her husband very much and she will not act on the "presume" love she feels for her ex.

OP: Go and make up! take her out and have fun. Let that go please!

My opinion.

Edited August 15, 2012 by duriantaste

[sunandmoon 450]

Well, Well, okay.! What if she loves her ex but doesn't act on it? Did you hear it is not a sin to be gay as long that the person will not act on it? Hey no body can dictate what her heart feels. If she is in love with her ex be it as long that she is not acting on it. It is not a sin to love. I do sense that she respects her husband very much and she will not act on the "presume" love she feels for her ex.

OP: Go and make up! take her out and have fun. Let that go please!

My opinion.

does your angel know your POV. hey, why not have her log in and post her POV...

[duriantaste 44]

Flirting and " spice " are reserved for your spouce and no one else. There is no grey area here. If she is not 100% ready, then there is no future. Buy flowers? More like buy her a ticket. what was she doing all the time while waiting to process the visa? Sitting on her thumbs? Doubtful. Chat and have fun before you get married.

What is wrong with your heart ???? I don't know why you are so opposed to the idea that people can love!

Let say she feels something special for her ex? what is the big deal? She has a heart and she is allowed to experience feeling as long that she will not act on it. I am so sure she will not act on it.

I vote for no divorce .

does your angel know your POV. hey, why not have her log in and post her POV...

You lost me with your reply!

[Greg_Gemma 7]

UPDATE... After having talked to her at great length, I wasn't getting the answers I needed. She has been kicked out of the house and is staying with her cousin. Next thing is to contact lawyers. I don't see a future for us.

[duriantaste 44]

UPDATE... After having talked to her at great length, I wasn't getting the answers I needed. She has been kicked out of the house and is staying with her cousin. Next thing is to contact lawyers. I don't see a future for us.

Man, time buy time. Let time takes care of this. Don't act now because you are just upset. TRUST ME ON THAT ONE!