Pregnant... Should I Continue K1 Process

[islandgal 74]

As a Jamaican woman engaged to a Jamaican man, the only thing I can offer (besides what has already been said), is to go with your gut and do not make a decision based on what people on the internet whom you've never met tells you. This is between you and your fiance. Yes, some Jamaican men (and American and African and others) can be macho or controlling, but there are others who are not. Sometimes people in our culture can be a bit upfront or rough, but that doesn't mean they love you any less or would cause you any harm. He sounds a bit immature based on the things you've mentioned, but I also know this process can be a bit trying, where it can cause undue stress on any long distance relationship. You are the only one who know what you're dealing with and you also know what you'll accept in terms of behavior from a man. I personally would not accept phone being hung up on me over and over. Behavior like that is plain unacceptable. Regardless of what you decide with the K1 process, remember you will always have to deal with your child's father going forward, unless you decide not to include him. Good luck with whatever decision you make and stop stressing....you're pregnant!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

First I am not spoiled or needy. As I have told him I don't need him for anything. When I began a relationship with him it was because I loved the person he was and wanted to be with him.Second in regards to time, actually I'm pretty busy as I work go to school full time, work part time, and participate in several professional organizations which require me to travel frequently and get involved in the community on a constant basis. So in actuality I really don't have that much time, if I were to show you my calendar it would probably make you blush that you even dared question me. Lastly, due to the fact that I don't have a lot of time on my hands to sit around and do nothing. I value the time that I do have and I prioritize the things that are important to me. And if you think I'm spoiled, needy, and unappreciative for asking the man that I supposed to spend the rest of my life with and who is the father of my unborn child for more than 15-20 minutes every 48 hours than you have life real messed up, not me. Lastly, I never said anything in regards to him not working hard on his ship. I simply stated that he has 12 hours on and 12 hours off. How he chooses to spend the 12 hours off of work, let's me know where his priorities lie.

As far as my "attitude"... You can call it what you want, but at least I know my self worth and I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve. Nor will I tolerate any form of abuse whether it's physical, verbal, or emotional.

Also to address those who have made statements about being loud. I don't know too many people who get into an argument or heated discussion with someone ad their tone or voice doesn't raise.

I ask again, how many face to face days have you had with your Fiance?

[Pinkrlion 2,724]

Make a list good and bad and see which one is the longest and make a decision marriage is a serious bond.

I agree with with KitKat. With jamaican men, I have realized that they do hide their actual feelings or stress they are dealing with to protect your feelings. What are you arguing about, and what started it? Trace back what you said, what he said. I had an arguement last night with mine, and he was like for once just listen to me. I prayed on it, and found the scripture: James 1:19-20. My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Afterward I did some soul searching so that our relationship can be stronger.

Gator - As tough as a decision as this is now, you know what is better for you, child, and your fiance.

[SlimT&R 2]

First I am not spoiled or needy. As I have told him I don't need him for anything. When I began a relationship with him it was because I loved the person he was and wanted to be with him.Second in regards to time, actually I'm pretty busy as I work go to school full time, work part time, and participate in several professional organizations which require me to travel frequently and get involved in the community on a constant basis. So in actuality I really don't have that much time, if I were to show you my calendar it would probably make you blush that you even dared question me. Lastly, due to the fact that I don't have a lot of time on my hands to sit around and do nothing. I value the time that I do have and I prioritize the things that are important to me. And if you think I'm spoiled, needy, and unappreciative for asking the man that I supposed to spend the rest of my life with and who is the father of my unborn child for more than 15-20 minutes every 48 hours than you have life real messed up, not me. Lastly, I never said anything in regards to him not working hard on his ship. I simply stated that he has 12 hours on and 12 hours off. How he chooses to spend the 12 hours off of work, let's me know where his priorities lie.

As far as my "attitude"... You can call it what you want, but at least I know my self worth and I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve. Nor will I tolerate any form of abuse whether it's physical, verbal, or emotional.

Also to address those who have made statements about being loud. I don't know too many people who get into an argument or heated discussion with someone ad their tone or voice doesn't raise.

Girl, don't let anyone try to make you think there is something wrong with you. You have legitimate concerns. You are a thousand percent justified in thinking if he has 12 hours off he can call you. I would expect and hour phone call at least. And u r right in not allowing a man to stifle you. He is the one with the problems, if what you say is true.

[Cathi 5,771]

I ask again, how many face to face days have you had with your Fiance?

she answered you long ago

[GatorShae 36]

Gowon: I don't know for sure but I'd probably guess around 40-50 days.

Madtown: I'm not going to argue with you because you are entitled to your opinions. I just don't have to agree with them.

Lilyena: Thanks for your post. It's helpful and insightful.

Everyone Else: Thanks for taking the time to read my post and providing your thoughts and opinions. The reason I posted this topic was to get different people's perspectives and to help see if maybe I was missing something or caught up in pregnancy hormones/emotions. So thanks again everyone.

[Pinkrlion 2,724]

Everyone Else: Thanks for taking the time to read my post and providing your thoughts and opinions. The reason I posted this topic was to get different people's perspectives and to help see if maybe I was missing something or caught up in pregnancy hormones/emotions. So thanks again everyone.

ANYTIME

[C&Q 25]

Honestly I haven't read all 5 pages so I apologize if I missed anything important.

I agree with everyone that it is not okay for someone to disrespect u and abuse u whether it is physically or verbally.

HOWEVER, u and ur fiance have a baby on the way and that is a huge responsibility. Moreover, u've been apart from him and as we all know on here, it is everything but easy being in this situation... He is ur fiance, ur babydaddy, that's why I personally think that u should try and work things out with him. Whether u marry him in the end or not. But at least u have tried. Leaving him and throwing everything away doesn't seem right to me. It's easy for other people to tell u to leave him but obviously he's ur fiance and at some point u loved him and wanted to marry him.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Gowon: I don't know for sure but I'd probably guess around 40-50 days.

Madtown: I'm not going to argue with you because you are entitled to your opinions. I just don't have to agree with them.

Lilyena: Thanks for your post. It's helpful and insightful.

Everyone Else: Thanks for taking the time to read my post and providing your thoughts and opinions. The reason I posted this topic was to get different people's perspectives and to help see if maybe I was missing something or caught up in pregnancy hormones/emotions. So thanks again everyone.

Thanks for answering the question. That seems like a solid enough time to get a good feeling for somone actually, i fyou were not living like a tourist though.

Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

[naplesguy 25]

I ask again, how many face to face days have you had with your Fiance?

From the context of her story they had enough time together to fall in love and make a baby! It seems like some couples can be have years and years of face to face and yet despise each other. :bonk:

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Gator, you know you are right and you know you are balanced and intelligent. Best of luck in a difficult situation, but it will be okay. Don't feel compelled to answer the unbalanced VJ losers.

To everyone else: I think it's dangerous when people use "culture" as a justification for appalling behavior. A Machismo guy isn't going to change. I've had this argument with my husband too, when people say "Oh, Israelis are rude and talk loud and annoy the people around them with their loud self-absorbed talking, but it's cultural!" I mean, recently, there was a woman on this site who was convinced that beating your wife was a "cultural" thing and once the man got to the US he would change and stop beating his wife, I mean really?? ( he didn't stop).

Of course, people are different, and there is a large range of acceptable, respectful behavior, but bad is bad. There are good people everywhere, and bad people everywhere. Don't let bad people convince you it's "cultural."

Edited August 14, 2012 by Harpa Timsah

[M_&_R 77]

Self righteous... Lol. You can't win for losing. If I was to say that I was going to be a great mother to my child, you would say, where's your proof. If I give you a little bit of my background, which provides reasons for why I think I'll be a great mom and you say I'm being self righteous. In case you didn't get the point of my post, it was to simply say that I am an educated woman, who has financial stability, who has worked in a professional environment, who possesses the skills needed to lead and motivate others, and who has traveled the world. Which are all qualities that I think will make me a great well rounded motherand not some piece of s**t mother that will continue to ruin our country as Madtown so eloquently put it.

Gator, I don't think what you posted was self righteous at all, I think it was simply factual. And it's greatly to your credit as a human being and a woman that you've accomplished so much. I do have to say, though - Gowan has a point in saying that's not what makes a good mother. There are uneducated women everywhere who are great mothers, and educated, well rounded women who are terrible ones. It would be really hard to say what qualities will help you be a good mother. The first year will challenge everything you understand about yourself - especially when you're already "formed." I'm 44 and have a great job, and am beyond a lot of youthful bullshit. I know who I am, I know what I should do for my baby. And it's hard to explain how it just knocks you on your #### anyway. If you're used to being able to master things right off, it will be frustrating. If you like routine and control, there won't be much of that at first.

I totally get that you were responding to madtown's implication that you are a totally different type of person than you are. And I'm glad you have such a wide range of experience to offer your little one - he'll be a lucky boy. I would caution you not to judge those less accomplished as necessarily lesser mothers - you'd be doing the same thing to them that madtown did to you.

My fiance is also a macho. Yes there are cultural elements at work there. No, a person isn't wedding to their culture or their upbringing. But it has influence. And it's very difficult when my fiance gets mad and goes from being the forward thinking man he typically is, to the Mexican macho he was raised to be. I deal with it because he has other qualities that are very much what I want, and nobody's perfect.

That said, when a baby's concerned you need to be more careful than you are on just your own account. I'll say again I believe your caution is warranted. Take is slowly for a little while and listen to your gut.

I'm sure you'll make a good decision.

M

[Trishy_N_J 23]

Ok I'm going to give my annoying 2 cents on this.

1. You are filing for HIM to come to the USA. The more serious adaptation that needs to take place is HIS. Why? Well because in North America, the 'knowing your place' attitude for a woman isn't that well perceived. Am I right or not? Haven't women fought a long time to be considered 'equal' (not to confuse with 'the same').

2. If the plan was to go live in Jamaica, the adaptation might have to be reversed because if this is how that society perceives women, you don't want to stick out like a sore thumb and cause scenes etc.

So in other words, you must respect the local culture, as long as it doesn't cause you extreme prejudice. That's what I think about 'adaptation'.

Although I might say that I would not be comfortable adapting to the point where someone is entitled to yell at me and I can't do the same. I'm not a child to be scolded. I would try not to get to yelling because when it gets to yelling, ain't no one listening. Best to walk away until both parties have chilled out.

My final solution: Meet halfway. He wants to yell, let him. Yelling back won't do anything anyway. The whole controlling part, it almost sounds like projection to me. The wonders of reverse psychology. If he can't tell you exactly how you're controlling, I think that's what he's doing.

I hope you find someone who can tell you more in depth about your fiance's culture to try to understand him better. That way you might be able to bridge the gaps with more ease and hopefully fix this for the best. Just be cautious. The fact that he's jumping at 'give me the child' already, kind of freaks me out.

[ClaireGio 35]

I'd run... Men with those traits don't change and will get worse over time. Being a single mum may not be ideal, but plenty of done it and turned out just fine!

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

Every story has a her side; his side and the side that is really the truth. There was nothing stated on her side that was cultural.