Pregnant... Should I Continue K1 Process

[GatorShae 36]

Here's a little bit of background on my situation. I met my fiance on a cruieship here in the U.S. He's from Jamaica. We fell in love and got engaged. A few months after the engagement I found out I was pregnant. Everything was going great until about a month ago. For the past months we have been arguing and fighting all the time, my fiance claims that I'm too loud and controlling. He has also made the statement that he is a MAN and that I need to learn to stay in a WOMAN's place and I should know my role. I have been trying to get him to explain to me what a woman's place is, but I have yet to get a real answer. I have also yet to get an answer to how I'm too controlling. He lives and works on a ship, how can I possibly conntrol anything in his life? Also, in regards to me being too loud, he apparently thinks that I am not supposed to ever raise my voice when talking to him. Everytime we get in an argue and my voice raises he hangs up the phone me. I find that so disrepectful, however he continues to do it, and totally disregards anything that I say.

So let me get to the point of this post, yesterday we got into another argument over something petty and little. In the mist of the argument, he demands that I just give him the baby when he's born and he'll take the child to Jamaica and raise him there. He totally skips over the whole breakup part that typically takes place. And he doesn't ask for his ring back, but instead he proceeds to demand that I give him my baby and that he just wants his son when he's born. At this point I think he's crazy. Who in there right mind tells a pregnant woman to hand over there baby. Especially when it came out of left field. So I was already having serious doubts about this relationship, because his behavior is beginning to show signs of a controlling and possibly abusive person but now I'm also afraid for my child's safety once he is born. If I let this man around my child, will he try to kidnap him and take him to Jamaica?

Do you all think I'm thinking a little too much into this? Is it one of those I'm just stressed out over this process and you're just stressed out moments? Or do you think my concerns are rationale and valid? Sometimes it's hard to tell, especially with the preganncy hormones. But I'm starting to have a gut feeling that it's best to get out of this situation before it gets worst. However, another part of me wants my child to have and know his father. Any advice would be appreciated.

(Also I don't need legal advice, I know my rights, I'm a 3 year law student and I work at a law firm. I'm just looking for advice from a rational person, relationship persepctive. It would also be nice to here from some women who have dealt with Jamaican/Carriean men before.)

Thanks!

[HeatDeath 430]

There are two kinds of men: the ones who will be a good provider for you and your children, and the ones who will take from you what they can. I think you know which kind he is, and which kind you want.

Edited August 14, 2012 by HeatDeath

[Penny Lane 8,159]

You are not overreacting to this at all. You know what you need to do. This is not the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with or raise your child with. This isn't pregnancy hormones, this is you trusting your gut instinct and if what you're writing is 100% true, I'd be out of there so fast.

I'd lose my mind if my husband ever said I should "know my role" ...

[ann and aties 9]

Gator, I can tell you from first hand experience that verbally abusive men do not get better - they get worse. Run away while you can. You are not overreacting. Don't talk yourself back into this relationship. He may try to sweet talk you back in once he realizes he can't control you. Don't go for it, please. Good luck.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I have a very simple question: in total, how many days have you spent together face to face?

[Indykittykeilah 18]

That sounds really bad and I'm so sorry you are pregnant by someone that acts like that. It sounds like he is looking for excuses to break it off and if he's that disrespectful to you now, it would only be so much worse once you are married. So so sorry...

[missphilly 1]

Here's a little bit of background on my situation. I met my fiance on a cruieship here in the U.S. He's from Jamaica. We fell in love and got engaged. A few months after the engagement I found out I was pregnant. Everything was going great until about a month ago. For the past months we have been arguing and fighting all the time, my fiance claims that I'm too loud and controlling. He has also made the statement that he is a MAN and that I need to learn to stay in a WOMAN's place and I should know my role. I have been trying to get him to explain to me what a woman's place is, but I have yet to get a real answer. I have also yet to get an answer to how I'm too controlling. He lives and works on a ship, how can I possibly conntrol anything in his life? Also, in regards to me being too loud, he apparently thinks that I am not supposed to ever raise my voice when talking to him. Everytime we get in an argue and my voice raises he hangs up the phone me. I find that so disrepectful, however he continues to do it, and totally disregards anything that I say.

So let me get to the point of this post, yesterday we got into another argument over something petty and little. In the mist of the argument, he demands that I just give him the baby when he's born and he'll take the child to Jamaica and raise him there. He totally skips over the whole breakup part that typically takes place. And he doesn't ask for his ring back, but instead he proceeds to demand that I give him my baby and that he just wants his son when he's born. At this point I think he's crazy. Who in there right mind tells a pregnant woman to hand over there baby. Especially when it came out of left field. So I was already having serious doubts about this relationship, because his behavior is beginning to show signs of a controlling and possibly abusive person but now I'm also afraid for my child's safety once he is born. If I let this man around my child, will he try to kidnap him and take him to Jamaica?

Do you all think I'm thinking a little too much into this? Is it one of those I'm just stressed out over this process and you're just stressed out moments? Or do you think my concerns are rationale and valid? Sometimes it's hard to tell, especially with the preganncy hormones. But I'm starting to have a gut feeling that it's best to get out of this situation before it gets worst. However, another part of me wants my child to have and know his father. Any advice would be appreciated.

(Also I don't need legal advice, I know my rights, I'm a 3 year law student and I work at a law firm. I'm just looking for advice from a rational person, relationship persepctive. It would also be nice to here from some women who have dealt with Jamaican/Carriean men before.)

Thanks!

Loud is not good... Someone need to listen and I think there is other way of talking nicely not arguing... Cause if you guys keep arguing that is not a healthy relationship... Specially there is a child in between of you....

[MnnnB 4]

Good Question Gowon. I think you should take your time to understand your man and also get to know more about African culture.. Never mind these people giving you a wrong advice, none of them is from Africa and should not give such advice. I believe once you get to understand your man better and he too will... it could just be a matter of time.

[jose_leti 7]

Gator, I can tell you from first hand experience that verbally abusive men do not get better - they get worse. Run away while you can. You are not overreacting. Don't talk yourself back into this relationship. He may try to sweet talk you back in once he realizes he can't control you. Don't go for it, please. Good luck.

your in a tough situation. This guy sounds like the MACHO type. were his law is the only law. His way of treating you shows no true LOVE. while knowing that you are pregnant. Any man who truly loves his fiance will treat her like a queen even if challenges him or is upset at her. Your fiance does not show any remorse signs witch means that hes got a HUGE ego problem.

I think you need more time to get a better undrestaning if this man is trully best for you. maybe giving each other space to breathe. instead of continuing the fighting for now. keep us posted.

[M_&_R 77]

The most important thing for a baby is to have a loving and stable home. Of course you want your baby to have his father. And even more so, you want him to grow up happy and secure.

It sounds like you are in a situation where having the baby's father with you will lead to a less stable and supportive environment for your baby.

That totally sucks. But remind yourself, if you feel you are denying the baby his father, that having at least one parent at her best and totally capable of providing love and support to him without the distraction and drain of a difficult relationship is even more important.

If he drains you, he takes you away from your baby. You can't have that, mom. You know your priorities.

And yes, I'd be concerned that he'd take the baby away.

Only you can decide if you're ready to walk away or just take a step back and reassess. But yes, you definitely have indicators that it's a good idea to at least do the latter.

I have a year old baby. I've raised him this first year on my own. And part of me is glad that it was just me and him, as hard as it's been, because there are no other demands on me and nobody else's needs to consider but his and my own. He's unbelievably happy and secure, and I think having me at my best rather than distracted by relationship issues has contributed to that.

Best of luck,

M

[HeatDeath 430]

Good Question Gowon. I think you should take your time to understand your man and also get to know more about African culture.. Never mind these people giving you a wrong advice, none of them is from Africa and should not give such advice. I believe once you get to understand your man better and he too will... it could just be a matter of time.

If a woman is not from a machismo culture, has never lived in a machismo culture, and does not want to live in a machismo culture, then "learning about the culture" is not going to help - the more she learns about the culture, the less she is going to like it. The education process has already been a major shock to her, and it has barely begun.

You can bring the man out of the machismo, but you will never, ever, get the machismo out of the man, and the relationship will get worse and worse the longer you try.

And the converse holds true too - a man from a machismo culture will never ever be happy with a woman who doesn't "know her role". The OP's fiance knows this, has already decided that she will never "break" down to what his culture considers an acceptable feminine role, and has already planned and announced his exit strategy. He knows he will never get the "American feminism" out of her, and he has no plans to abandon the machismo of his culture.

The OP needs a man who comes from a culture where independence and strength [in the modern American/Western European sense] are acceptable characteristics for women, and the OP's fiance needs a woman who grew up in a machismo culture, and is comfortable with and totally bought in to that culture's idea of what femininity is. They will never ever be that for each other, unless one of them becomes a radically different person, and I don't see that happening.

OP: get out, and get out now. The only way this will ever work out is if one of you totally rewrites their personality, and it ain't gonna be him, and I really don't think it should be you either.

Edited August 14, 2012 by HeatDeath

[Kitkat88 1]

I don't really have a response on following thru with your k1 process but here is my point of view. Jamaican man are very possesive and like to be in control. I can tell you he won't hurt your child they love children, but he will want the child especially a boy child. I don't think you are over reacting but maybe you need to do a little more fact finding on this man. It seems to me that you are a head strong woman like myself and it is not easy to deal with someone like me if you want to be in control. I am speaking from experience only I love my Jamaican man but we commincate well and if there is something I don't like we address it. This may not happen right away because I'm mad but it will and it works better for us. They really don't like screaming and yelling and once you think about it there is really no need for that. Make a list good and bad and see which one is the longest and make a decision marriage is a serious bond. Be blessed Kitkat

[Penny Lane 8,159]

I don't really have a response on following thru with your k1 process but here is my point of view. Jamaican man are very possesive and like to be in control. I can tell you he won't hurt your child they love children, but he will want the child especially a boy child. I don't think you are over reacting but maybe you need to do a little more fact finding on this man. It seems to me that you are a head strong woman like myself and it is not easy to deal with someone like me if you want to be in control. I am speaking from experience only I love my Jamaican man but we commincate well and if there is something I don't like we address it. This may not happen right away because I'm mad but it will and it works better for us. They really don't like screaming and yelling and once you think about it there is really no need for that. Make a list good and bad and see which one is the longest and make a decision marriage is a serious bond. Be blessed Kitkat

No you can't. You don't know this person.

[madtownguy 164]

If you're here asking about it then I think you've got some serious problems with that alone. You're from totally different cultures, if you aren't prepared to deal with that you probably shouldn't be having the kid in my opinion. Honestly I would do the same thing if I got a girl pregnant in another country, I would be smart about it though and be nice to get the kid here and then be done with her. I find it funny that he thinks the kid will be better off in Jamaica but plenty of people might think that about the US so that's just the way the world works. You have a lot of thinking to do because there are probably a lot of options still. Internet forums aren't usually the best place, church, therapist, pretty much anywhere else really.

[C-ma'am 684]

If you're here asking about it then I think you've got some serious problems with that alone. You're from totally different cultures, if you aren't prepared to deal with that you probably shouldn't be having the kid in my opinion. Honestly I would do the same thing if I got a girl pregnant in another country, I would be smart about it though and be nice to get the kid here and then be done with her. I find it funny that he thinks the kid will be better off in Jamaica but plenty of people might think that about the US so that's just the way the world works. You have a lot of thinking to do because there are probably a lot of options still. Internet forums aren't usually the best place, church, therapist, pretty much anywhere else really.